Please help me survive and escape my toxic home.
Hey. My name is Moukie, and I need your help to escape from a toxic home environment. Because the alternative is great harm to me, or actually killing myself because that option is incredibly appealing right now. And that scares the jeepers out of me.
I came out to my mom on June 1st, 2018, and while we never had the healthiest relationship (she was always abusive, but she had her sweet parts too), I truly thought that she would at least still love me in some capacity. She would defend me against my homophobic dad and insist that if I was, that would be my âchoiceâ and has nothing to do with her.Â
She led me to believe that even if she didnât support me because of my sexuality, that she would at least tolerate me. That she would at least love me, still.Â
She doesnât. It feels like she never has.
My mom is threatening me with kicking me out, and to a gay black boy with shit credit and no money saved, thatâs pretty much a recipe for insta-death. I donât think or know if I would survive out on the streets. I have no other family or friends I could turn to or stay with or anything like that. I work two jobs and Iâm still fucking broke because of all our bills, tuition, bus fare, etc.Â
Iâm tired. Iâm exhausted. Iâm consistently suicidal. Those ideas are back in my head again, and theyâre doing their damnedest to make sense. The trouble is, they really are. Whether or not I act on these impulses, the juryâs still out on that one.Â
Iâm trying to do my best to survive out of spite, to live my best gay life without my family, to reinvent and live and love myself the way I was meant to live and love myself. Maybe thatâs in Los Angeles, or New York, or Paris, or Seoul, or maybe even here in Canada. Maybe Iâll just move to Toronto and try to survive and thrive on my own.Â
But I need your help to get there.
Every five, ten, twenty, fifty, whatever dollars â they are invaluable to me and could mean the difference between life and death. Even reblogs help immeasurably. Between being stuck in this hellhole podunk town and house that has me living in fear whenever she comes home, that has me wanting to kill myself every single time she messages me to harass me some more because sheâs fucking heartless. Iâm trying to not love her anymore, to cut her off and distance myself and put boundaries between my mother and I the way I did and continue to try to do with my father.Â
But sheâs my mother, the way heâs my father, and itâs hard. But Iâm trying to do right by me, to put myself first for once, and maybe help convince anyone who sees me live my best life away from the toxic influence of seemingly permanent family bonds that you can escape and go on to thrive and find your own family and make a better one for yourself.
I need help with finances to prepare me with my inevitable move. Bills, food, transportation, passport, tickets, rent for apartments, whatever. I donât know how much to ask for. Iâm just trying to get as much as I can as soon as I can so Iâm not left with nothing and out in the cold Canadian winter and die on the street the way she clearly expects me to.
Iâll show her. We all will.
Please help me out in whatever way you can. Under the cut is some of the shit Iâve had to deal with from her. Not exactly the best idea to read if you have a horrible relationship with your mother/parent, fyi.
The kicker isâŠI really, truly believed that maybe my own mother, the one who gave birth to me and took care of me and saw me my entire life, who raised me, who I came from, would maybe, possibly, hopefully love me for me. I thought maybe my mother would understand me. I thought maybe she would love me, for whom there was never a time before her. She decided I wasnât worth loving.
And I have to live with that. I have to live with that knowledge. That my own mother couldnât love me.
God, if that ainât depressing. Fuck.
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