Here's why I've been out for longer than usual (TW: Mentions of suicide and self-harm)
Let's just start with this:
I'm not sure how many of y'all are seeing this, nor I don't know how much y'all care. BUT !! Nonetheless, I will be more open and honest from this point forward. I'll split this into parts for timeline reasons and so that it's easier to understand. I will NOT be mention people by their real names, so I'll just call them by FAKE names. Goober, Elaine, Jackson, and Sandy are all that's mainly involved in this story. Individuals A and B are friends of mine, but are only relevant for Part 4.
I had felt very suicidal a couple months ago from November-December. My anxiety was abnormally higher than normal and my brain wasn't taking this energy in a more healthy way. I was so dazed and confused while just ... trying to survive. Luckily, I got the help that I needed for my anxiety disorder.
Goober is a very important person to me, Elaine and Jackson are ex-friends, and Sandy is my current friend (getting close).
I've known Jackson since middle school, Elaine and Sandy since last school year, and Goober this school year.
Yes, I have talked to staff and admin about this situation (go to Part 4)
I am a person of color/mixed/black (go to part 4)
Almost everyone in the arts program that I'm in has a problem with Elaine.
It started off when I came back from school (due to my mental health and having to take a break for a couple of days). Goober had noticed that I wasn't doing well, and wanted to check in and see how I was doing. I said what I could say at the time and I noticed that he ... was off too. He told me that he was kicked out of the friend group that Elaine and Jackson were in, and I asked him why. (This will be important later). Because he cares about me, he paused his sentence, and started to state this: "You know that I care about you, and I want to come forward and say ... I'm sorry. They're some things that I've said about you that I'm not proud of, and after hanging out with you more and more, what I had wrote is NOT TRUE anymore. I was manipulated by Elaine and Jackson to write stuff about you because THEY were the ones talking shit behind your back, and I was just listening to them. I ... need to show you what they wrote. Again, you don't have to forgive me, I would just like to have understanding," He sounded genuinely really upset and disappointed in himself for his old actions, so I forgave him. He showed me everything. I was ... shocked to say the least. Elaine's section was the longest, followed up by Jackson's. As follows, they've collectively wrote that I was faking my anxiety disorder, "copied" self-harm, is loud and annoying, etc. I was ... distraught. I started to cry in the middle of class, and Goober was with me the entire time. He stated, "To make up my wrongdoing, I'll help you. Help you get better. Help you realize that you are a person that deserves to be loved and to navigate this situation." So ... I let him help me. Then ... we got together.
A day goes by, no one mentions it. Okay, reasonable. Maybe they'll say something. A week goes by. ... Odd ... maybe something will happen A MONTH GOES BY. JACKSON FINALLY MENTIONS SOMETHING. But ...he only mentions Goober's old actions ... instead of what he wrote ... and allegations against him ... weird. I played fake and IMMEDIATELY texted Goober about what I heard. Turns out, what Jackson said WASN'T TRUE. He also found it odd that Jackson didn't state his actions. Then over the week, we both collected of what we could find out together ... which was ... interesting, to say the least. Mostly thrown around things about ... the both of us ... were lies ... we even CONSTANTLY TEXTED EACH OTHER TO CONFIRM ... all lies. Then, we noticed that some other classmates our grade or below started to ... act weird around us ... huh. I wrap up ties after being uncomfortable with Elaine and Jackson, and I get Jackson's side. "Hey. I'm really sorry that we didn't tell you any sooner. I understand if you're upset or anything. Just know that Goober started this list and FORCED it on us." ... Forced ? That doesn't sound like Goober at all ... lies ? Elaine's response is as follows: "Hey, I don't know what the fuck you're on, but you're a crybaby. It was just criticism because you cry all the time when it comes to that. Also, Goober kinda forced us on this thing or whatever." ... again, forced ... Goober stated that this was astronomically false, that THEY'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THE LIST SINCE THE BEGINNING OF NOVEMBER. Ah ... wow. LIES.
By this point, I was PISSED. Angry. Seething. Elaine also finally said something. She asked if we could talk. Fine ... what does she have to say. "Ok so, first of all, why would you trust someone that you've known for less than ME, someone that you've known for 2 years at this point ? Also, you're being so immature right now, because WE'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL NOW. GROW UP." Oh ... wow ... now do you see why I trusted Goober over you ? Just because I've known you for longer, doesn't mean that I have a lower or higher status opinion on you. Goober was pissed as well. After that, everything started to calm down for a bit. Unfortunately, Elaine started to suspect that me and Goober were together, and she LITERALLY SAID TO MY FACE, "If you and Goober are dating again, I'm going to kill myself." Sighhhhhh. (And yes, she found out like a week later or so after that). Me and Goober thought that it was over ... but ... I finally stood my ground.
I had too much in me to NOT say something. I finally called Elaine out for her bullshit. All the toxicity between us was too much. My parents saw that she's been toxic multiple times before, and at that moment, I could see why. Admittedly, I snapped. Not entirely proud of myself for that, but I've been shoved and pushed around into silence for too long now. I called her out for EVERYTHING that she did. From mocking my anxiety disorder to making fun of my interests. SHE SAID THIS, "Oh, YOU don't get to talk about my interests ? I NEVER get to talk about mine." False. When we used to talk all the time, she would invite me to calls to watch her play her favorite game for AT LEAST 3 hours maximum. Everyday. She questioned this, "If you have a problem with me, then WHY DO YOU TALK TO ME ?" I felt pressured to do so. We share 7/8 classes together. Granted, I DIDN'T have to say anything, but we do mainly share assigned seats/desks ... so ... after that, I relayed the information to Goober, and she overheard me in the hallways during transitions to our next classes and she flipped me off. I could've SWORN that she wasn't in that hallways (I even checked to make sure). Again, not my proudest moment, but the instant wave of relief that came over me when I finally said something ... joyous ... !! Recently, I had to be late for school, so I had texted Sandy (since we share a class period on that day) asking her for the assignment. She told me all the details and I had felt fine. HAD. She THEN texted me being like this, "Also, I need to tell you something. PLEASE don't panic because I've bought you some time, ok ?" Oh ... ? The message continues. "Elaine and Jackson are reporting you for allegations to our admin tomorrow. Apparently, and I don't believe this, you physically assaulted Jackson and you bullied Jackson." OK, WHAT THE FUCK ?? HOW AND WHY WOULD THEY LIE ABOUT ME ?? When I got to school, I wanted to go to admin, but they were VERY busy, so I couldn't go to them that day. Damn it. Sandy texts back saying this, "Oh yeah, and they were racist towards you. They called you ugly with the way you dressed, your hair, and your lips. It was DISGUSTING." WHAT. THE. FUCK. I told my parents and they have filed for a bullying report. The next day, me and Sandy had agreed that we would to admin first thing in the morning. We got lucky since it was more of a slow morning than usual, and we filled out reports for our admins to see, then we carried on with our day. Everything went fine ... until when I got on my extracurricular bus. One of the upperclassmen/Individual A that I know decently well texted me this, "Oh yeah, this Elaine person keeps saying that you're a liar, none of the staff believes them, and she's going to 'knock some sense into you tomorrow' while cracking their knuckles. She might get kicked out of the arts program because of this." OH ? A THREAT ?? That's not ... ! I spent the entire night overthinking a lot and surprisingly didn't have an anxiety attack. Another upperclassmen friend/Individual B if we could call and asked for me and Elaine's last name so that way he could report to admin while he was in night school. Unfortunately, there were no admin at night schools but there was a teacher there that we loved, and he managed to shoot an email to admin about this new potential threat. YES !! Ironic thing is, Elaine didn't come to school that day. Goober and Individual B were READY to transport me classes for protection and emotional support needs, but we all lucked out. So ... here we are now. In a constant state of worry and panic, but ... not at the same time. We all went to the admin office, and me and Goober got pulled aside individually for what to do next going forward. They gave an option to do a restorative circle, which if you don't know if a "gathering with peers to resolve conflicts in a civilized manner.". We're both ... not OPPOSED to it, but at the same time ... yeah, no thank you (respectfully, we both like at least one admin there but the others kinda suck if I'll be honest).
I'm quite literally being bullied, harassed, and been in drama for the past 3 months. I'm SICK AND TIRED OF THIS SHIT. I've been lurking every now and then here (even though I'm WAYYYYY more active on Instagram now). Lots and lots of juggling mental health while taking care of myself while testing season has arrived. Please pray for me as I'm going through this right now.
