Federal Jester reporting for dOODIE

cringey archive of the shit I wrote in 2016 in the samsung notes app 🫣 PSA: this is no longer a cringe archive; this is real world news 🫡🗞

[dragon-in-a-fez]

the ashtrays in airplane bathrooms are a fascinating harm reduction metaphor. yes it's illegal as hell to smoke in there. yes there's a smoke detector that will snitch on you the second you light up. so why is there an ashtray? because if there weren't, your single momentary dumbass crime could kill 300 people. it is fucking vital that if someone does have a lit cigarette on a plane, they have a place to safely put it out.

[autistobrat]

this too shall pass but the fuck was that for

[soapyskunk]

[soapyskunk]

I shove other people's nose in my relationship like a republican teaches a dog to not piss in the house

[kimreesesdaughter]

I just left a plantation tour in Louisiana. I have a lot to say…

[purplechocolatekisses]

SAY IT!

[kimreesesdaughter]

I honestly thought I knew everything about slavery. Not so.

The owner of this particular plantation had it built by slaves for 3 years. Every brick was handmade. Over 120,000 bricks on 2,000+ acres of land (this place was huge.) The clay used for the bricks came from the Mississippi River. The majority of the slaves are buried under the Levees and water. Some are buried with their Masters. Not allowed to live with them but could be dead with them.

Before you enter the house, there’s a list of slaves who lived here including their age and how much they were purchased for. 124 total. Some slaves were worth as little as $25. As young as 5 years old.

On this particular plantation, the owner was big on punishment…he used noise making neck restraints. Imagine three 4lb balls around your neck with bells inside. Children were restrained by ankle locks that connected between their ankles.

This was a sugar cane plantation, one the worst practices to involve slaves because of its danger. A lot of slaves were decapitated, amputees and killed from the fields and machinery. A lot of kids lost their lives creating sugar. Speaking of children, a child stood in the living room and operated the fan with a string while guests ate dinner. As young as 3 years old.

Here’s what shook me even further: Before the Civil War, a lot of slave owners were going in debt and could not afford their properties and were not producing enough cotton and sugar to maintain their lifestyles. Slaves were used as HUMAN CREDIT CARDS. Slaves were a guaranteed line of credit. You could get HALF of your property’s value depending on how many healthy and able slaves you owned.

My people were human credit cards and lines of credit to BANKS. We were property. We were labeled as equipment and nothing more.

There is no such thing as a good slave owner. They owned my PEOPLE and used them as checks and balances. This cycle continues with prison and brutality. I do not want to hear shit about “Why can only Black people say this or that?” I don’t want to hear shit about “we’re all human.”

And by the way, not one of those slaves are at rest. Those spirits were so alive, you could feel their presence, their pain and someday, their revenge.

[kimreesesdaughter]

The front of the house and yard. This plantation was huge. Just thinking about my ancestors tending to all this land…

SOME of the enslaved names, ages, race and purchase price.

The living room.

Interior.

The dining room. That piece hanging above the table is ORIGINAL to the house. That’s the fan that a slave as young as 3 years old had to operate manually with a string.

The view from the balcony in the main hallway. This is how they looked over the slaves while they worked in the yard.

*sigh* Names of the enslaved that occupied the shacks. Children included. Their names are written inside one of the shacks. I’m not sure if there are other names inside other shacks because I could only handle 2. After I saw the punishment equipment, I left.

Slave Shacks. These are NOT the original shacks. These were built to imitate them.

Slaves for Sale Ads.

The landscape of Slavery throughout the United States in 1860. JUST 1860. Let that sink in.

Note: The last time the home was OWNED by a Louisiana citizen was 1972. This is her original bedroom, her lipstick is STILL on the dresser. This is why the house has been updated since slavery times because it was occupied up until 1972. Regardless, this used to be where house slaves slept.

[yourlocalforeign-deactivated202]

This really fuckin happened, don’t let white people tell you that it’s in the past & to let it go.

[soapyskunk]

I WILL STAND BY THE CURSE OF MY CONVICTIONS

[soapyskunk]

babe wake up, new label just dropped

[soapyskunk]

Me: Oh, wow! The Lake of Four Seasons? What a whimsical name! What a magical vibe!

Map:

Me: ...um...that's not...there are...those aren't seasons 😠

[o-lei-o-lai-o-lord]

Either people need to learn how to tell the difference between an “I’m sorry” that takes direct responsibility and an “I’m sorry” that signifies sympathy, or I’m gonna start responding to unfortunate information with a solemn nod and a “Sympies,” because I am tired of receiving a “Why? It wasn’t your fault” every time I try to vocalize compassion.

[the-tiny-dragons-tea-room]

I'm forwarding all of you my next therapy bill.

[the-final-sif]

Can I propose the XKCD method instead?

XCKD 945, ID in Alt

[soapyskunk]

I'd rather you sarcastically say "Good" in response to my terminal health diagnosis than "I'm sorry"

[soapyskunk]

So I got an eeg and the reviewer was like "idk bestie it looks whacky tacky my friend it could be bipolar probably not...unless 👀" and then i told my THERAPIST that it was probably just that dawg in me. You know? My two wolves.

Anyway.

Horrifyingly,

girl...your wolves are showing...

...on the eeg.

[soapyskunk]

An object emotion stays emotion

[soapyskunk]

And in year of the horse we've gotta giddy up yeehaw motherfucked and RIDE

[soapyskunk]

hey btw if you feel like you might pee then you might need to go pee

[soapyskunk]

Apparently rosinweed is a native wildflower that takes so little effort to spread on your property. You just take those dried up seed heads and throw them around??? No need to till or cover the seeds in soil. No work???!??! Just direct soil contact and forget about them.

...so OF COURSE they're going into my zero effort garden.

[chrisdornerfanclub]

[ring-bear]

@tomato-tot @soapyskunk

[soapyskunk]

This is a horrid and diabolical post to reveal to me at 9:35am...

...thank you. My factory shit, indeed, has gotten hornier. Glad you were concerned 💗

[soapyskunk]

Normalize leaving all your fuckass relationship pictures each time you run through your roster or have a messy breakup so I can keep track of the tea.

[soapyskunk]

Is there anything spookier than a 28-year old woman barking at pedestrians?