//shrugs at you

[anotherevencoolerdad]

pick one you bald genderless idiot

[anarchafemme]

[headspace-hotel]

idea: scene with two characters eagerly stripping each other clearly about to bone, but they keep getting interrupted by finding carefully concealed weapons in each other’s clothing, so they keep just unholstering, revealing and unstrapping increasingly ludicrous amounts of hidden guns and knives as the clothes come off, and it’s lowkey killing the mood a little

[findingfeather]

Alternatively: it's not killing the mood at all but it's totally making both of them giggle like they're twelve and possibly get lowkey competitive in a subconscious way about who has the most to drop.

[beyondthisdarkhouse]

The more that I think of it the more I'm seeing the incredible intimacy of letting someone know where you keep your backup knife.

Like my god, the trust involved in letting someone undress you and learn your secrets instead of popping into the bathroom to change where they can't see and hiding all your weapons under the sink

[headspace-hotel]

...Oh

[brainsforbabyjesus]

second alternative: you go to hide all your weapons under the sink but there’s already a bunch of weapons hidden underneath the sink.

awkward

[tyrannosaurus-trainwreck]

It’s not that there’s already a bunch of weapons hidden underneath the sink that makes it awkward so much as that there’s so many weapons hidden underneath the sink that they fall out of the cabinet with the unmistakable sound of a knife-alanche, and then the other person comes in like “I can explain!” and you’re just dead-ass standing there with your own armload of weapons like “I can also explain.”

[fenrislorsrai]

Married version is shoving your hand in your partner’s clothes when you’re out of weapons because you KNOW where their spare is.  Or wearing a weapon in a spot you can’t draw from yourself because its now spare storage for your spouse’s weapons.

[justlookatthosesausages]

Every single one of you is a genius

[lazywitchling]

I am apparently working on becoming a local cryptid at the store. Talents include:

Monitoring the changing of the seasons via mozzarella

Predicting the weather by picking up a piece of cheese and mysteriously saying “oh, the storm is gonna be bigger than we thought...” just before thunder

Mind reading, e.g. “Can you help me find a cheese? It’s called, uh... [starts fishing out shopping list]” “Gruyere?” “...yes O_o”

[lazywitchling]

Mozzarella doubles in sales in the span of a week, right about when the first tomatoes show up

Cheese that I’ve wrapped in plastic will acquire condensation in a few seconds when it’s about to rain big time

“Gruyere” is always the cheese people want to show me on their list rather than try to pronounce it.

[lazywitchling]

That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me

[elodieunderglass]

Cheesewitching. I respect it.

[brunhiddensmusings]

i feel called out

[sharkodactyl]

my dnd party has run into an npc who may or may not be evil and may or may not decide to betray us and the dm was in chat today like “just so everyone knows…not addressing this comment at anyone in particular…his favorite colors are red and black…wink” so now i’m desperately trying to get a real physical friendship bracelet done before session tomorrow in the vain hope that i can somehow stop this npc from trying to do a murder on my party

[sharkodactyl]

UPDATE: the npc was in fact a shapechanged adult black dragon with violence and conquest in his heart. however he did let merry put a friendship bracelet on him and then when she was like “hm okay how big is your wrist in dragon form” he was like “you wanna see?” and then turned into a dragon and let merry measure him for a second, dragon-sized friendship bracelet. the dm described him afterwards as being deeply confused as to why he did this or let any of this happen to him. call that the merry effect

[sharkodactyl]

this guy is now a recurring npc because merry was SO determined to make him her friend that it actually somehow worked. he cast dream to talk to one of my party members like “hey…how’s it going…how are the tieflings in the party…not that i care…also i’m not lonely. bye” and the player was like “is he still wearing merry’s friendship bracelet in this dream” and the dm was like “yeah…”

[sharkodactyl]

fsdfjhskdf the dm just sent us all this image

[sharkodactyl]

so merry taught naeric (the dragon) the power of love, obviously, and because his heart was open and beautiful he started dating…a SECOND evil dragon. and then that gf betrayed him and cast ninth level imprisonment on him so now naeric is our damsel in distress and we have to save him from his girlfriend, the actual villain. how the turntables…

and. in the most horrible plot twist of all. the gf stole his friendship bracelet.

[crazy-brazilian]

going to work 😌

[ctrl-salt-delete]

[curlicuecal]

the extremely ominous part in the middle where he picked up a hammer and just held it for a minute like he was threatening the car into compliance

[escuerzoresucitado]

overslept

[gxdcomplex]

Twins

[roycohn]

this is so fucking funny i don't even care if it's real

[failpup]

I love these two so much.

Credit: @jellymlk on twitter

[wiselwisel]

Las leyes de la física son inquebrantables.

[detrout]

[i-am-corbin-dallas]

This is legitimately the funniest thing ive ever seen

[bubbabarnes-deactivated20210124]

I’m screaming

[teatops]

SDHSKSJHSJS I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING

[memewhore]

[catchymemes]

[runcibility]

Halloween is over. Put away your bog witch and get your bog himbos out.

[dagny-hashtaggart-deactivated20]

“Bimbo (bog himbo)”

[pandalavalamp]

me and the bois frolicking in the bog

[1percentcharge]

One of my roommates cannot stand the way I play minecraft

[1percentcharge]

Instead of looking for diamonds, fighting mobs, trying to go to the nether, doing potions/enchantments/whatever, I like to build these 1-block-wide platforms far above the ground that i walk on to explore without getting lost, attacked or generally inconvenienced. And they hate it

[1percentcharge]

“If you don’t want to get lost just use a compass!” Takes redstone. Also I don’t want to. And on the ground there’s mobs

“Fight the mobs, they’re part of the game!” no. I get scared

“Just use mine carts!” And use all that iron?

“Then use boats and ice!” You need enchantments to collect ice. All my paths take is dirt and ladders (and torches)

“But they’re so UGLY!” Not the point

[1percentcharge]

my paths

[jvhdb]

ive had this photo from r/stupiddovenests open in a tab for like 3 days because it inspires such hope and joy in me that im afraid to close it in case i never find another source of those emotions as potent as this

[sixthrock]

found a delightfully specific subreddit today

[sumtingfersher]

@todaysbird

[theadhddragon]

Everyone always talks about adhd and 100+ tabs in a browser, but no one talks about all the saved posts on tumblr we save for future reference that we never look at either

[onehappyboo]

[tlitookilakin]

[catchymemes]

[theriu]

These are my favorite kind of people. Like there is clearly no other reason to be doing this than to give other people an Experience and a Story

[afeelgoodblog]

Murphy, a rescued bald eagle who is known for fiercely protecting a rock he considers his egg, will be getting the opportunity to become a father to an orphaned chick ❤️