Are you normal or do you have hypervigilence problems because you always had to be aware of your family members moods growing up in order to deescalate situations before the arose
Hey guys this is gonna be a bit longer than my usual posts but I just felt the need to say this.
I hope y'all realize that hatred and stigma toward cluster b disorders is so normalized and common that a simple "but it's actually a disorder!" probably won't do anything. Lack of empathy or sympathy, selfishness, lack of respect for anyone, seeing most people as inferior to you etc. are considered evil traits, disordered or not. Traumatised or not. You can explain how npd and aspd works to every fucking person you pass by, but in their mind, why would they treat a narcissist or a sociopath like a human being just because their behaviour is caused by trauma? A shitty person is still a shitty person, right? And they could get rid of their bad traits if they just tried enough!! Right? You aren't going to magically change someone's mindset just by providing them with actual information. It's their choice what they're going to do with acquired knowledge, and well, brushing it off and continuing to be ableist is far more easy than trying to make peace with the fact that the hatred, prejudice and misinformations you carried with you for your whole life turned out to be untrue and ableist. If we want to destigmatize the disorders, we need to start destigmatizing traits of the disorders.
To split means to divide up, and is a term used to describe when people with PDs get stuck in intense black-and-white thinking that divides people and things into extremes like ‘all good’ and ‘all bad’. Splitting is a defence mechanism most often described as part of BPD but is also experienced by other cluster B disorders. It is often accompanied by intense anger or distress.
There are many similarities in the way splitting looks and feels across the cluster B disorders, although what triggers our splits might be different. Splitting can be both negative (someone or something is worthless and bad) or positive (someone or something is amazing and perfect) but in both cases, the belief is extreme, unrealistic or unnuanced. Here are some potential triggers for splitting in NPD:
Making a mistake
Finding a task or new skill difficult
Being ignored or someone not paying attention to us
Being complimented
Someone confessing a crush on us
Getting a particularly good/bad grade
Receiving highly positive/negative feedback
Feeling insulted, disrespected or not being taken seriously
Being (falsely or accurately) accused of something
Being disappointed
Being seen as weak or incompetent
Someone acting like they're better than us/more knowledgable etc.
Why does splitting occur?
Situations like the ones listed above can trigger a rush of intense thoughts and/or emotions in people with PDs, who often struggle with emotional regulation. Splitting is the brain’s way of trying to handle these thoughts and feelings and make sense of a potentially complex or overwhelming situation.
People with NPD typically struggle to recognise or tolerate grey areas or mediocrity; there is only perfect or worthless, superior or inferior, etc. A person may be seen as either perfect and special or useless and worthless. Splitting can also occur when something happens that contradicts a person with NPD’s beliefs about themselves or another, for example when someone’s equal or chosen person disappoints or upsets them, or when a person with NPD has an experience that threatens their grandiose sense of self.
‘How can someone I care about or idolise do something bad or hurt me?’
‘How can I have made a mistake when I’m perfect?’
These are some of the intolerable contradictions that splitting exists to try and make sense of.
What does splitting sound like?
Here are some examples of a person’s worldview when splitting. In a split, these thoughts can occur towards people we normally wouldn’t think this way towards, like loved ones that we care about. Mentions of homicidal and suicidal ideation; reader discretion is advised.
Splitting on oneself: I am a god amongst mortals and everyone should be grateful to be in my presence. I’m so perfect and wonderful. It can’t be my fault, I never do anything wrong. Everyone worships me. // Everyone hates me and anyone who says otherwise is a liar. I am the worst, I am so worthless and stupid. I need to just disappear. I should kill myself. I’m a monster and I deserve to die.
Splitting on others: They’re incompetent, useless, worthless. Their lives mean nothing, they are utterly worthless. I hate them and want them to die. I want to make them suffer like they’ve made me suffer. They should kill themselves. They deserve to die. I don’t care about their worthless feelings. I don’t care if they suffer. I could ruin their lives and take everything from them.
Splitting on a task or activity: This is ridiculous and pointless. Anyone who actually likes this is stupid. There’s no point trying. I’m quitting, I’m just embarrassing myself. I hate doing this.
What’s it like when we split?
Splitting can sometimes lead to a ‘narc crash’, which is when a person with NPD loses their grandiose ‘false self’ and feels intense distress, self-loathing, hopelessness etc. Splitting might lead to a crash if someone is splitting on themselves and sees themselves as worthless and terrible, or if the experience of splitting and the thoughts that occur alongside it feel shameful.
Here are some anonymous confessions from people with NPD about how they experience splitting:
‘[When I split on someone,] I begin to feel contempt for them and think they’re completely below me and want to bring them down’
‘If my equal person disappoints me I split and devalue them... it makes it very hard to keep relationships’
‘It’s always on a chosen or equal person. It feels like my entire perception of them gets rotten or infected... all I see [are the things about them I hate]... I’m afraid I will give in and hurt someone, and I don’t wanna do that’
‘My splitting is almost exclusively targeted at myself and usually negative... even the things that usually bring me back up feel shallow and like pity’
‘I either crash out and... just want to destroy everything and give up. Or I’m like angry and fuelled to change everything about myself & my life... if I am self-aware during it then I crash harder bc it’s embarrassing to me’
one moment you're feeling good, its a nice morning, you took a walk and you have coffee, now there's a pit in your stomach and you feel like throwing up and the thoughts are back and you're relying on the caffeine hoping itll drown everything out
*small inconvenience* BREAK UP BREAK UP BREAK UP BREAK UP
yeah im fine lol look at this meme :D
paranoia
mood depending on them
every text hurts or feels way too good
intrusive thought yeouch okay ouch thats another one yeOOUCH
the 50000+ articles on how youre abusive
paranoia
fp is bad for me but its ok i love them<3
"if i hurt someone its gonna be myself"
becoming completely obsessed with someone the moment they give you the slightest attention
never being able to cut anyone off ever. immediately go running back
cry because theyre talking to someone that IS NOT ME
oh my fp isnt here. okay. oh im dissociating okay i dont have any purpose to continue living without them okay my life literally revolves around them i want to die where are they are they safe i dont know what to do with myself
"just leave. everyone does anyways"
5 minutes later theyre the worst person ever
*looking for an identity* hmmm, where could it be?
dependent on fp like theyre a parental figure you never had
i would like to be able to engage with others in my special interests, but the moment there’s any indication that others also enjoy my interests my NPD makes me want to stuff my head into a meat grinder.
i will admit, one NPD stereotype i do fit is the need to drag down others in order to prevent them from feeling as though they’re better than me.
if someone is overly confident about themselves, i feel the need to make slight jabs at it, often without even realising i’m doing it, just to be sure they aren’t putting themselves above me.
as i said, i usually don’t even realise i’m doing it until it’s done, but it’s important to support NPD even if some of our symptoms do hurt or upset others.
if your support for NPD is limited only to those who do not have symptoms that align with certain stereotypes, then you are not an advocate.
~ coming from someone who has BPD and a psychology special interest
Have you been feeling like your anger is completely uncontrollable and all encompassing? Do you feel like your anger controls you more than you control it? Me too! But here are some things I've found to be helpful:
- Taking notes. Write down triggers for what causes your anger episodes (as well as other episodes e.g sadness or paranoia) once you come down from it and start looking for a pattern. Not only will this help you to slow down and self reflect, you can begin to either avoid those triggers or find ways to regulate the effects.
- SLOW DOWN. If something is making you want to hurt someone else or yourself, slow the FUCK down. Push against the grain, step back and let yourself have a good cry or scream into a pillow. Do whatever you can to (healthily) process the emotions, no matter how long it takes, before making major decisions.
- Avoid self harm, substances or unhealthy habits like disordered eating or emotional self harm. It's so tempting, believe me, but it will only serve to make things worse. You might feel like you want it to get worse now, but in the future, you WILL regret it. If you start feeling these urges, refer to the urge surfing diagram below this.
- Get outside advice. Think you're splitting but you can't tell? Run the situation by a close friend or loved one and see how they feel about it. Try to relay it with as little bias as possible and see if they agree with the decision you're about to make or if you perhaps need to reevaluate some things.
- Take care of your heart. I know this is cliche, but a good sleep schedule, hearty food consumption habits, hydration, exercise routine and mental health care go a long way in helping you succeed in the above tips. You are struggling with an illness, and ill people need as much care as possible. Become your own parent.
This works for anger in all Cluster B personality disorders, as well as with autism spectrum disorders!
Urge surfing:
I've seen a few people talk about this and I want to add my few points in because we are not having this shit again, after years of adequate behavior being the norm in the community.
If you are narcissistic and you idealize being a cult leader/a serial killer/an abuser/some other sort of fucked up control-having entity in power of other people, I need you to cut that shit out. I've been there and it took professional help and a supportive partner to get me out of it. This is a dangerous route to go and you will fuck yourself up.
Glamorization of NPD is not the same as acceptance of NPD, and it's definitely something that goes against destigmatization of NPD.
Sanism and erasure of NPD symptoms in order to make us "palatable" are bad, but so is refusing to handle our symptoms; it's a disorder for a reason. It's okay to sometimes revel in being "the bad guy" but you also have to understand that's a coping mechanism, and not a healthy one; you gotta fix that shit.
At the end of the day, the point of NPD awareness & acceptance is to prove to people that narcissism and abuse are not synonymous and people who are narcissistic are not inherently abusive. Choosing to be a dickhead/abuser/rude bitch/etc. and then excusing it with narcissism is quite literally the opposite of our aim as a community. Also, it's genuinely so embarrassing and childish to read.
Despite my raging npd that is ruining my life on every step, I am quite proud of the fact that I can take accountability over morally wrong things I do and adjust my actions accordingly. Sure, I never feel remorse, I don't feel guilty, in fact - I always get very mad when someone points out my mistakes, but ultimately I have enough capacity to take a solid step back, assess the situation and admit that I'm wrong, even if I don't feel like it
Naturally, I get really defensive really fast and don't take criticism lightly (in fact, I fight a lot over this), but when someone points out a moral failure, I actually have the ability to think about it, measure it, and actually change the way I behave
I just think that it's worth something. It took a lot of mental energy and effort for me to get to this point, but I am so so proud of myself that I somehow did get here regardless
So just to be clear, I get irritated and lonely when isolated, feel irritated and lonely around others, rely on positive feedback for my self esteem but also reject everything that makes relationships function positively, require mountains of independence but get mad when people aren’t helping me, and can’t handle being unable to control everything despite having deep fantasies about creating out of control situations for a dose of satisfaction??? okaay well then,,, i don’t know what to tell me
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