Andrew didn't recognize his surrounding, and even the time.
he couldn't figure out if it was daytime, nighttime, afternoon, or whatever.
the sky was gray, it seemed cloudy, but it wasn't. it was just gray.
hah, Neil would love this sky.
last thing he knew, he was, well, he didn't remember but he was with Neil wherever he was.
and now he was standing on top of a building, on the roof. there was nothing else around him. it seemed like nothing else even existed. it was just him, a gray sky and an unknown figure who was sitting on the edge of the roof with his back to Andrew.
Andrew cast on last look to his surrounding and approached the figure. somehow he wasn't scared, somehow he didn't even care.
he looked at the figure just as the figure turned to look at him;
and he was looking at himself.
the person sitting on the edge had his exact same face, and somehow, 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘩𝘰𝘸, he knew it wasn't Aaron.
it was him, himself, staring at him like a mirror.
"who the fuck are you." Andrew asked, because wasn't everything already too much 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘯𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘢𝘭?
the person, the other Andrew in fact, took his eyes away and looked at the gray sky. "well, I'm you, if you haven't figured it out yet."
"because that's so possible? i already have a copy i don't think I'll need another one"
the person, the other Andrew 𝑼𝒈𝒉, pointed to the sky , then their surrounding and said "does any of this looks possible to you?"
Andrew sat down, he guessed it might actually be a dream, cause he didn't feel his heartbeat increase by the fear of falling and crashing down into the nothingness that was beneath their feet.
Andrew heard little sounds of 𝒄𝒍𝒊𝒄𝒌, 𝒄𝒍𝒊𝒄𝒌, 𝒄𝒍𝒊𝒄𝒌, and looked around to see his other self playing with a set of keys, connected to a fox key chain, that Andrew had seen before, but was 100% sure that it wasn't his, and he know who it was for.
the other Andrew,(Andrew decided to call him the guy, cause whatever, there's only one real Andrew) somehow noticed Andrew watching, And raised an eyebrows.
"is there a rabbit for every version of me existing in this world?" Andrew scoffed.
"actually, yeah, probably. in other worlds too" said the guy.
"hm." and after a moment "is yours still alive?"
"your rabbit. Neil. is your Neil alive?"
"what the fuck was this supposed to mean?"
the other Andrew made a sound. it was something exhausted and, dead. sad. Angry, Andrew didn't know, he didn't know. huh, the irony, Andrew didn't know himself.
or this version of himself, with whatever bullshit he was saying.
Andrew started to see it now. Andrew always had thought that he was fucked up. he always knew it, it was a fact, and at some point, he believed that it couldn't get any worse. at the point where he lost all his feelings, at the point where he was a shell filled with nothingness, he believed that it couldn't be any worse, cause what can affect you anymore when you don't feel a fucking thing? when you're barely a person?
but now? Andrew could see it. this guy, this version of himself, is way more dead than Andrew could imagine being possible for himself.
no. Andrew could see it now.
baltimore. Andrew could fucking see it now. he'd been having a lot of feeling toward that day. the mess of fuckedupity that came with that day was a blow, was a damage that took so hard to heal and still, some nights Andrew would see Neil dead in his nightmare. but whatever happened, whatever it was, at the end, Neil would take Andrew's hand and put it on his heart to say 𝘴𝘦𝘦? 𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦.
"why am i here? " Andrew asked. was this whole thing some kind of a warning? was it his subconscious trying to tell him something?
everything was so dull and gray Andrew had to close his eyes before it stared to hurt.
"i don't know. i don't know why you're here, but it doesn't matter, you're not gonna be here again tomorrow, only i will, and another me with another similar but different life, like you."
"again, i don't know. i guess I'm cursed."
"cursed, to see how else all this could have gone, or maybe bless, to see that at least i had it in another universe."
"do you think I'm you from another universe?"
"i stopped wondering long ago. i stopped doing anything long ago, stopped living probably, i don't know. every now and then i find myself here, and everytime another me comes seat down beside me, all of them lived a different possibility. some didn't know Who Aaron even was, some didn't know who Neil was, some where like me,"
"sometimes, no one would come. on those days, i can feel... death. i feel cold. i feel the weight of an incomplete life. i guess on those lives, we chose to end it early. I'm sure you know why, and probably when."
there was times, Andrew remembered, when he would look at the blade in his hand, and it would take everything for him to not go much deeper this time and end it for good. he remember making his decision countless times, but he just couldn't do it. sometimes he thinks maybe, maybe if Aaron hadn't come up in his life, if higgins never told him about Aaron, if he had never made his way to juvie, maybe he couldn't take it anymore. maybe, maybe he'd rather go.
"i envy them, sometimes, the dead." said the guy, then he looked at Andrew, and Andrew felt his 13 year old self stare at him, just as hopeless, as dead. the guy smiled and bitterness leaked from the smile "but you shouldn't, and i know you don't. you are probably even happy that you didn't end it back then. see? that's the blessing part, i get to see me have this in another life."
"he will hold your heart in his hand and force it to beat if it feels like a flat line."
he looked at Andrew "he does, right?"
"Are you asking me? you seemed so sure of what you're saying."
the guy,(maybe now Andrew could accept he really was himself) closed his eyes
"cause that's what i felt it might be like. that's how i thought it might feel like. that's what i would let myself hope for, again, like a fucking fool. just a light, just something. but as i've always known and fooled myself to ignore because I'm fucking self destructive, I let myself hope again, and it almost killed me, again. not almost, i think it killed me completely this time. huh."
Andrew thought what a joke, he ruins himself, he gets wrecked by himself everytime, destruc himself, whether by a self from this life, or another.
right now, he felt crushing down by all the things he heard.
but he felt something else too
"you're right" Andrew heard himself say.
the guy turned to look at him
"he does force my heart to beat."
Andrew saw the bitter smile again, like the other was choking on bitterness and it was leaking from his mouth.
he looked at the keychain in his hand.
seeing him, Andrew exactly felt like seeing one of the "what ifs".
Andrew shut his eyes, he couldn't watch anymore.
he heard the guy say" looking at you, i guess it could be worth it."
sometimes Andrew would wonder exactly that.
was it worth it? was it worth accepting the risk of getting all fucked up, like who he was staring at?
was tearing himself open and taking down his walls worth the possibility of things going downwards?
but does it even matter? it's not like it was supposed to happen anyway. it's not like Andrew even knew it was happening. Neil didn't take down his walls, didn't try climbing them up or cracking them open, but he stayed outside respecting them long enough that Andrew himself made a door for him through them. welcomed him.
guess he wouldn't give any of it up for the numbness and safety of being alone. even if it could all go down in flames.
"we broke the deal, if you know which one i meant. we go to therapy together."
"oh? does he want to stay?"
Andrew shrugged "I'll be paying for his med school."
he said if, but he knows he will, he made his decision long ago and there are plenty of teams who want him on their team.
he wasn't really surprised if the other Andrews in other lives didn't play exy.
he looked at the guy as he stood up, looking at the sky.
"you're the first, you know?"
"first what" Andrew waited for an explanation.
"you're the first.." he looked down and seemed to think more of what to say
"between all lives, i think you're the closest I've seen to alive."
he wanted to laugh, of course the only ones wishing for his life are the more fucked up versions of himself.
he wanted to laugh then throw himself of the building.
but there was also something else, something that he felt guilty to feel, something that was, strange.
maybe, maybe, he was so fucked up that he was feeling
he was scared too. he was confused too, and angry,
and meanwhile he wasn't really feeling anything cause the sky was too gray and it was all to blurry.
he closed his eyes and just wished he could put his hands on Neil's heart.
"stand up" he heard the guy say.
Andrew opened his eyes and stood up
"i don't think it's faith. not all of it, at least. i guess part of it was faith, and luck.
but other part of it is us. it was up to you. and me.
you did it. you've come so far, you deserve it, and more."
he kept staring at the gray sky
"for one last time, i want to hope.
i hope in another life, i would let myself want, enough for every life where i couldn't. and i hope it would be worth it, enough for every life where it wasn't.
for every life where i didn't make it, i hope I'd want to live just as much."
the guy started to fade, Andrew thought. the building started to shake, the sky felt like falling.
"i hope in another life i get to live a life, past just surviving, past the numbness,
enough for every life where i didn't."
"i hope you get to live a life, so my hopes don't go to waste."
then he put a hand on Andrew's chest, and pushed him off the building.
𝘪 𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘐'𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘰𝘧𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘶𝘪𝘭𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 Andrew thought, falling.
-------------------------------------------------------------
when Andrew opened his eyes, he saw blue.
he didn't know why he was expecting gray,
but all he could see was a concern blue, staring back at him.
he also didn't know why he was feeling so relieved, but he let out a breath, and felt like this is his first breath in forever.
"nightmare?" Neil asked him. tucked so close, lying beside him in their bed in Colombia.
nightmare? Andrew didn't remember. but his heart was beating fast and he woke up suddenly so it must have been a nightmare.
another thing Andrew didn't know was why the thought of Neil leaving right now was so terrifying.
the fact that Andrew didn't want Neil leaving, isn't shocking itself. it's been so long since Neil's presence in bed after Andrew's nightmares was comforting rather than not,
but what shocked both him and Neil was the fact that Andrew was scared of Neil leaving. he clenched to Neil before he could stop himself and saw the shock on Neil's face.
"i won't go, you know I'll stay if you want me to."
he had said this sentence at least 10 times in the last 10 days, but today it somehow felt...heavy, more, deep.
"ok" Neil settled more comfortably this time and brought his hand to the side of Andrew's face. Andrew put his own hand on Neil's.
he was afraid that if he took his eyes away from Neil's, everything would turn gray.
he didn't know why, he couldn't remember.
after a few minutes, he felt the urge to do something.
he lifted his other hand and put it on Neil's heart.
when he felt the first beat of Neil's heart, a tension he was holding since he woke up, left this body. color came back to everything, he wasn't scared to see gray anymore.
Neil's heart keep beating steadily under his palm. calm.
Neil was looking at him with, something. not concern, something deeper,
Neil put his other hand on Andrew's.
Now he had a hand on Andrew's face, under Andrew's hand, and another hand on Andrew's, on his own chest.
Andrew could lay there forever.
he didn't know how long had passed, but he eneded up laying on top of Neil, head fixed on his heart. closing his eyes while Neil had a hand on his back and kept stroking his hair with the other.
