Just leaked my biggest insecurity and the fact that i hate myself to my mom because i hated her hair suggestion. Shouldve kept my mouth shut :D

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@st1xx3n
Just leaked my biggest insecurity and the fact that i hate myself to my mom because i hated her hair suggestion. Shouldve kept my mouth shut :D
SLOBS has to be the WORST book ive ever been subjected to
If youve been on this blog, you should know i dislike reading novels: find them extremely boring. So most of the books i have actually read were literature books for english. Each year they give us a set work for us to read and be examined on, and the set works for a specific grade changes ever 2-3 years (pay attention to this)
In grade 8, we had the set work "The Secret Life of Bees" by Su Monk Kid. We thought the book wouldnt be that bad considering we read Holes the year before, and that was objectively a good book (even for me, i actually really liked it). However our minds quickly changed as we began reading, and im here to yap about how shitty the plot and the characters were as i have a deep-seated hatred for this book
The book follows a girl named "Lily Owens" a 14 year old white girl in 1950s (very important) America before the moon-landing. Her dad's pretty abusive and hates her guts because when she was a child, her mother died due to being shot in an arguement and it had something to do with her. Her dad says she's the reason why she died (he's correct btw) and therefore despises her. She also has a black helper named "Rosaline".
One day, after lily realises one of her mothers heirlooms had an address on it, she decided to run away with her help to that address. They arrive at a house that belongs to the Boatwrite (idk and dc about the spelling of their surnames) sisters "August, June and May". The sisters allow the two of them to stay and Lily begins to learn more about beekeeping and her mother as August knew her in the past
Now that ive given a basic synopsis of the book, i can get into why i hate it so much...
Lily is pretentious and "pick-me" like. When we first were introduced to her, she was in her bedroom that had a bee infestation. Her first instinct is to tell us that "she feels connected to the bees" not even bothering about her own safety. Her whole character is basically "Im gonna idealise the fuck out of my dead mom and forget i have other support in my life (ROSALINE)" then later proceeds to get mad after she finds out the truth of her mom temporarily leaving for her own safety, her perfect image of her mother shattering the moment she finds out then proceeds to throw herself a pity party without even bothering to understand why her mother did it
She also srsly glazes the hell out of the black people in the book, but the way she does it is so racist its not even a joke. She first starts out having an unconscious bias against black ppl (cuz again 1950s america) and then proceeds to change her whole tune the moment August shows up, now seeing her and the rest of the black cast as people above her: a unique commodity she wished she had rather than what they are: people. It feels as if shes trying to be black without actually understanding the struggles and depth of racism.
Her relationship with Hector (or at least thats what i think his name was) is shallow and again, puts him on a pedistool for being black and feeding her purple honey (she touched herself to this btw, like WE DONT NEED TO KNOW) and when he was pissed off against the racists acts against him, she tries to stop him. BITCH YOU CANT SAYING JACK SHIT, YOURE WHITE REMEMBER.
She sees August as a motherly god for some reason and pushes aside all her other relationships for her like a dog, forgetting the fact that ROSALINE EVEN EXISTED
Speaking of which: the book forgets about the characters that actually has substance , which is May, Rosaline and Hector. Rosaline spent YEARS acting like a mother to Lily even though she didnt need to, yet "August filled the role of mother in one month". After that we only truely see her with May, acting as May's friend (i loved their relationship tho). SPEAKING OF MAY: she had to be one of the most interesting characters in the whole cast. She's emotional and an extreme empath, feeling the emotions of those who also have suffered and carried their pain with her. She used to have a twin named April that balanced her out, but the moment April died, the balance broke. She had very little scenes but was actually fun to have around
But too bad Su hates my happiness because SHE FUCKING KILLS HER OFF
The only developed character was wiped out of the story, so i had to deal with the rest of the boring cast until the book ended
The book also had some religious aspects to it and when i mean aspects... i mean literal blasphemy. Now im not too strict on how religion is depicted, but if you are gonna use real religious symbols, then do it with the respect it deserves. The Boatwrites have a wooden statue of Mary in the living room and they'd pray to it, but God is completely out of the picture. They also had a lil festival almost immediately after Mays death (which is weird af) where they started... rubbing honey into the statue... If youre gonna use Christianity, especially Catholicism, then dont be weird about it. I go to a Christian school, so this was especially a hard read
Finally: Su uses the n slur like its her birthright. Every second sentence that came out of a white person in the book besides Lily, had the n slur in it. I get it, white americans were (and some still are) racist as fuck but it gets to a point where its less about you using it to be historically accurate, and more about getting to use a slur without seeming racist. Even the white actors in the Harriot Tubman movie didnt use it as much as Su did in the whole entire book. I just feel like Su wanted to use it as much as possible because she'd never be able to type those letters out again without looking racist, and me as well as the other black kids in the grade felt uncomfortable
The reason why im talking about this shitshow of a book is because my friend brought it up yesterday. I get so angry whenever i hear its name and that anger sticks, so im writing it here to let it all out. The plot is a literal nothing burger and the characters solely exist to fuel into Lily's pity parties. And the worst part of this is that my grade was the first AND the last ones to read that book as a setwork, the kids a year younger than me and my brothers grade... GOT HUNGER GAMES, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
Overall: 0/10, wouldnt even recommend it to my worst enemy
So at school today...
DISCLAIMER: Before i begin, i am letting you know i am religious and go to a religious school. It doesnt have anything major to do with the story but Ik ppl can get rlly pressed about it so of you dont want to deal with that then ignore this post!
So during bible, we were talking about rejection and stuff and at the end, we had to talk to our group we were sitting in and give each person a compliment.
The people in my group mainly said i was direct and willing to co-opperate and participate in any class activities.
But the thing that stuck with me was the fact that they said im pretty confident (in their eyes) and that i have a way of making group connections seem smoother
I have lil to no confidence in myself. I often dont trust my judgement and overthink my every little social interraction, but i mask it pretty well because who would like the real me. So it came to a real shock when they said that
I also have rlly bad attachment/abandonment issues, so it brought me so much joy when they say group coversations and connecting feels easier in my presence
This was just a lil thing that made my day, and i wanted to tell someone about it
I actually fear the thought of aging sometimes...
One thing about me is that i sometimes start thinking about life and death: how fickle my current situation is and how it can change instantly. Since i start school on tuesday, i naturally began thinking about my life and the school year so far. These thoughts soon transformed into thoughts about aging and youth.
Im a highschooler, meaning soon enough i'll graduate, and that always gives me mixed feelings. On the one hand: im out of school where i feel different from all my peers, i can go out and do whatever i want. But on the other hand, it proves that im growing older and that i'll soon have to navigate age. It makes me realise my parents arent gonna be here forever: they'll eventually reach the state like my grandma and die
Even for myself: whenever i encounter an elderly person online, i always think about how im going to be in that position one day. One day: my body wont work the way it did before, my brains capabilities will diminish as im forced to wonder Earth within the years i have left.
My biggest fear is death: my death and/or the death of my loved ones. The thought of it makes me feel sick, and most likely if i wasnt religious i wouldve gone mad by now due to the uncertainty. So by extension i kinda fear aging as it symbolises growing older and time. Seeing how everyone and myself develop scares me as we're stepping closer to our futures which also means stepping closer to our eventual demise
I talked with my aunt about the grade that im in, and the sheer amount of time that has gone honestly shocked her (Shes known our family ever since i was a kid). And now i honestly feel the same way
I sometimes wish we lived in a world where everyone is immortal and maintained their youth so this thought can finally exit my mind
But alas thats not the world we live in...
LOOK ME IN MY HUNTERVIRUS EYES AND TELL ME THIS COMMENT IS A PROBLEM
Fuck you and your shitty moderation tiktok
I DIDNT THINK THEY'D DUB THE NSO ANIME
So im a huge Nso fan: have watched the play through and hopefully wanna buy the game myself (since i tried playing it on a random website) and i heavily relate to Ame/Kangel
When the anime came out i actually watched the 1st ep and a bit of the 2nd, but bcuz i am in a lil anime slump, i wasnt motivated to continue and decided to wait till all the eps come out
Flash forward to now, as i was making new banners and stuff (cuz why not), i thought of using Kangel as my sprite but i didnt wanna accidently larp her due to the anime being out and all. I go 2 my friends crunchyrole account and BOOM, i find out it was dubbed.
I genuinely didnt think it would be dubbed at all considering the devs are japanese (i think) and having an indie game being produced as an anime already was an achievement, but having a dub changes the way im gonna watch it
I prefer dub to sub as i cant rlly focus on the visual when i have to read the subtitles, so this really helps me to truely enjoy the story better!
I just hope the dub is good tho...
Now enjoy my 3rd blog retheme :DD
Its insane how a minecraft rp has better trans rep than tadc
So over the weekend, i remembered a minecraft series i used to watch back in covid. I was really into Dollastic's content and her minecraft series were all phenomenal so i wanted to support her collaboration in this project called "My Hero Origins": a mha inspired rp. It had multiple perspectives of each and every character present and showed various stories. Back then i thought nothing much of it but now that its been 6 years now and im actually old enough to understand stuff: i can say its REALLY complicated and well done.
Right now, im watching from the character im going to talking about's perspective: Rikku, a 15 year old trans girl with a quirk called explosion. Im talking about her because i remember the transfem jax fiasco and wanted to share to light actually good rep while talking about the rp that get such lil love...
From the very beginning - even before she transitioned - she stated that she was heavily bullied for having interests in "feminine" stuff in her small town, influencing how she interacted with all the other students in Monarch Academy. This reflects the very nature of homophobia and gender norms: how many kids and teens are considered "weird" for not fitting societies boxes. She was so excluded that the only person she could confide to freely was her mother
Before leaving: She asked her mother if she could ask for a change of uniform from male to female, as the male uniform felt tight on her and wasnt as flowy and elegant as the female uniform. This sets up a little goal for Rikku to overcome: last in the male uniform until her mom's next visit. She looks at all the other girls and genderfluid people in their female uniform and cant help but inspire to be in their place, like her partner Shizu or her close friend Yuuki. When she does eventually get a change of uniform: she is so overjoyed and feels more confident in herself: getting the approval of her friends and her mother. Sounds a lot like satisfying the gender dysphoria in her heart and kickstarting her soul searching
She then realises that she hated going by he/him, and began her process of transitioning: asking Yuuki for her old small clothes to wear and coming out slowly, taking an entire episode each for each person she came out to: her friend, her roommate and her lover (and eventually to everyone else but i havent gotten that far rewatching) The process of getting to this point is slow but actually present in the series. They dont gloss over trans experiences to get to the final point, nor does the creator reveal it OUTSIDE OF THE SERIES. From the beginning it was clear as day she was going to struggle with her gender and the show uses the episodes they got to flesh her out
Even the other characters are amazing trans umbrella rep. Her lover - Shizu - is a genderfluid person who came from a prestigious household keeping their polarity quirk pure by marrying quirkless men. The females are the ones to get the quirk and Shizu is often referred to female terms by their nutsuck-of-a-mother and in turn, makes them hate using feminine terms when upset. HOWEVER, their father, always kept validating them. He used the pronouns they wanted, even if it always changed with no problem. He used feminine terms positively, resulting in them liking pronouns like she/her when happy. The show uses such a unique way of expressing their gender by correlating it based on their mood, which is reflected by their eye colour: Red only (happy) for she/her, blue and red (neutral) for they/them and blue only (sad) for he/him. This ALSO matches their quirk of magnetism, which is beautiful
My point is: its not that difficult to represent your own community in a way thats present in the show and in a way thats deep, as being trans is entrenched with a persons experience: how they experience life. This thing was made in 2020 yet it had writing that should be the average norm of 2026
Im sorry if im being annoying but I will say this again: JAX BEING CONFIRMED TRANSFEM OUTSIDE IN THE SHOW ISNT GOOD WRITING. Jax wearing a bow isnt a hint towards being trans. Jax wearing a maid dress isnt a hint towards being trans. Those are just feminine things that anyone can do
Goose had the money and the resources to hire more writers to develop this idea but CHOSE to write it all by herself and then moan about how the fandom is mad that she couldnt represent her OWN COMMUNITY with the respect they deserve. There are so many more excellent trans-rep that could be used to critique Jax, but i wont talk much more about this topic as im dragging it a lil
Also Rikku and Shizu are such a cute and underrated couple and i feel like an absolute chud watching them
Blocking is a thing sent from God
So for the past 15 months ive been on tiktok: ive truely realised how much of a cesspool of toxicity and stupidity it really is. As much as the content is 10x more interesting and engaging: the people who reside there have to be some of the most miserable people that shouldve been aborted
Im that type of person who - when seeing a take i find idiotic - will argue with people until either they or i cant do it anymore. For example: i argued about how a creator cant just hc Robin as African-American just because of the fact that she had jazz elements (not even fully based on jazz btw) in her music only while hc sunday as european even though they are bio siblings.
I get angered VERY easily and hold onto that rage for a day or 3. And shitty, insensitive and/ or uneducated people make that anger worsen. And they are all found on tiktok. I cant stand tiktok antitheists, tiktok christians and people who dumb down real life issues to prove a shallow point like the Afghanistan women or Palestine
So as a result: i began to start blocking people. Like wdym i dont need to talk to people who think my very existance is a contradiction, i dont have to indulge lack-luster takes and i most definently dont need to hold you to high regards anymore. Whenever i see an antitheist - imidiate block - and then im spared from all those 14 y/o white girls who keep projecting in the comment section while not truely knowing the lives of the minorities they claim to "care about" so much
Its FANTASTIC, and i understand why non-sharing yumes freely block (even though i block them too along with soulbonders, voidsharers and gaikos for again: my mental health). Im so glad that im starting to have a lil more respect for myself and creating a more positive environment, bcuz i - as a minor - should not have that much hatred in my heart
Epic Hermes has me in a chokehold, HELP MEE
Gooseworks needs to learn to make a character beyond herself
Now that TADC has ended, theres been a lot of discourse surrounding the end of the series and about how gooseworks handled her characters. I wanna deep my own 2 feet into the water, although my opinions arent that different from the general consensus, ESPECIALLY REGARDING JAX...
Episode 9 was mid and it really let down a LOT of the fanbase. The good parts include almost everything AFTER jax's abstraction. i like how the revealed their irl identities with instagram: it felt personal. I also love how the cast, specifically zooble, told caine straight up that their trust has been broken and would take time to heal. Speaking of caine, i liked his lil sequence in general.
However with the good out of the way: let me get to my critiques about it and the franchise all together... THEY FOCUSED WAYY TOO MUCH ON JAX. Goose stated that each character would get an episode to themselves, however ragetha didnt get one entirely and zooble only got 3 minutes while jax got ep5,6, a lil of 7 AND 9. If gooseworks treated all the eps like ep3 and 4 then this wouldnt be a problem.
The ending tries so hard to justify jax's shitty personality with "but she accidently killed her mom", while ignoring the fact she drove 2 of her friends to technical suicide. She was too developed but not in a way tht seemed profound but in a way that is shallow: like goose is just thrusting all her life story and person onto jax instead of letting her exist as her own character. The fact that shes her self insert really says A LOT about her as a person. The show also left major things unexplained like raggy's mom, where each of them wore the headset and why, the blue ai, why zooble hated their avatar, the headset company, the exit door and SO MUCH MORE. ALL of those things where briefly mentioned but not expanded on bcuz goose HAD to glaze the hell out of jax
And this whole thing about her being transfem was so RANDOM. the WHOLE TIME: she was basically abusing all the females in the circus: kinger nor zooble got treated the way ragetha, gangle and ribbit were treated. The quote-on-quote "hints" of this are just feminine things that ANYBODY CAN DO/WHERE: she looked so distraught in the maid dress, her room (which is based on all their insecurities) was feminine which contradicts the transfem idea and the bow was just a gift. Goose - a TRANS WOMAN HERSELF - should know better than anyone that being trans is a lot more than what i just described. if anything: transmasc jax wouldve been a LOT BETTER for her character
Goose is an unprofessional racist who cant handle her fanbase and her show. her tweets from back in the day to now are APALLING, cuz wdym you dgaf about YOUR SHOW being leaked, and then blaming the fandom for it. If you hate your fandom sm then DONT ENGAGE WITH THEM, as half of them are MINORS.
Its rlly sad how this show fell from grace. its first eps were good, the cast (besides jax) was likeable and i even relate to ragetha, but gooses favoritism and unprofessionalism caused its ruin.
maybe i shouldve taken her being friends with vivziepop as my warning...
Holy hell im so excited for a stupid future call that might not even happen. 2 weeks ago, my hsr friend (the one i was panicking over) asked if we could call when cyrenes rerun banner arrived. And i was so excited and panicky about it. Now last week friday they again comfirmed that they still wanna call and her banner is THIS WEDNESDAY. im not even the one pulling yet i feel so excited that i feel a lil sick
Why am i so excited over a call wth
Is it bad that i felt sad when my father out "female" for my gender on my id application. Ik its for goverment purposes but yeah... id still like to be refered to as a nonbinary
You cant blame the entire class for something half the class did...
So im watching assassination classroom and i just finished season 2 ep 6, and i have a LOT to talk about:
It was a terrible episode, lets get that out of the way, but im gonna share my why as ive always felt personally about this opinion
1st of all, Koro-sensei was a damn hypocrite the whole time. You cant be scolding the kids when you ACTIVELY want to blow up the earth in 4 months. You cannot be speaking
2nd, Its seriously unfair that the kids that didnt even participate in the accident get slapped and sent. Some didnt even know of the incident until they were all sent. You cant say this isnt a punishment when you make them do this before midterms
SPEAKING OF MIDTERMS: you cant just forbid them from studying during this period. and later shown, their marks DROPPED. THATS SELF SABATOGE! you cant expect them to do this while excelling in their grades KNOWING the school sees them as the bottom of the barrel. Youve basically have undone all the progress they made and effected how highschools will see their marks as those r important
Like if i was forced to not study for midterms cuz some idiot classmates got in an accident and instead babysit children for 2 weeks so i could bomb my exams: ID BE LIVID. im so shocked that nobody was mad about that
So yeah, im rlly possed off
The internet is the only place i can be "me"
Ive been with technology as long as i remember. I have a TV in my room, had numerous tablets, got my 1st laptop during covid and my 1st phone at age 13. Because of this, i was naturally exposed to the internet VERY early on.
Back then it was just something i use as a passtime, but over the years: it became a safe place for me. It comforted me when i loss my best friends (TWICE). and when i was having numerous existential crises in covid about life and religion. It allowed me to discover so many interests of mine and engage with likeminded people, unlike school and home where no one understood anything i say, which become CORE parts of me. And it allowed me to truelly show my emotions: my frustrations, my anger, my fear, my hate, my love, all emotions i wouldnt express at all in reality as i put up a lot of fronts. I dont need to be this mature responsible older sibling that does well in school and doesnt cause a fuss and lives a typical boring life: i can be exciting, release my sadness, fear, anger, hatred, joy and opinions without the looming threat of hurting anyone, my parents yelling at me or losing all my friends. I can become exciting, vocal and interesting whenever im online
I feel like the internet has become part of me in a way. take it away and im basically nothing and nothing is interesting. Nature is boring as hell and its not like i can easily make friends that stick and dont side-line me and leave me alone when we grow up. The web has always been a constant in my life
Its gotten so bad that i HATE it when people moan about how terrible social media is and glaze the hell out of reality. If reality is so great then i wouldnt be as messed up as i am, then i wouldnt be as lonely as i am. Im not magically going to forget about my mental issues by frolicking in the fields, nobody is gonna start understanding me the moment that happens. Youre just an old loser contributing to the problems of teens drowning their sorrows online. if you want us to get off our phones: create a space where we can be free to exist
I seriously love the internet despite how bad people say it is or what comment pissed me off. I can be someone my reality cant accept, it accepts me completely: the real me.
White Implied Fanfics PMO
As a veteren "x reader" fanfic reader, ive come across countless of fanfics over the years. Im especially picky with what i read so i choose fics based on plot premise, aesthetics, writing style and ofc: DESCRIPTIONS
This introduces my main complaint about the "x reader" fanfic community: WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO DESCRIBE Y/N AS IF THEYRE A WHITE WOMAN?!
Im black, i want to read a good fanfic where i can fit my features on a blank slate PERFECTLY without any issues. No i dont have pin long straight hair, why are you describing a literal blank canvas with those terms.
Authors need to realise that poc people wanna simp for their favs too, and it immediately takes us out of the story youre trying to tell when you make it seem like y/n is of a specific ethnicity due to descriptions. Thats why terms like (S/C) and (H/L) and many more like it are important as they truely allow the reader to insert themselves as themselves and not as an oc
Theres a reason why fics that specifically make y/n poc are present (even tho i dont read them), because generic fanfics fail to give a universal experience, so we turn to our own means.
Unrelated but I rlly wanted to chat about more lighthearted topics as tiktok as been stealing my joy
About Microlables and Xenopronouns...
Okay so theres been a LOT of discorse about these things in the community for a while now, and because its pride month: i think i should talk about my personal opinions on them
DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT HATING ON ANYONE WHO USES THESE, IM JUST EXPRESSING MY THOUGHT ON THE CONCEPTS*
so about Microlabels - I personally think microlabels are okay as long as dont contradict (so no lesboys im sorry) and if they serve a specific function that cant be described by another label exactly. There can defo be variations like Demiromantic and thats fine. I, myself, technically use a microlabel - being omnisexual with a male preference. So in all, im pretty chill about them rlly
Now for the controversial one, Xenopronouns - I said xeno specifically because all xenopronouns are neopronouns, but not all neopronouns r xenopronouns, and i generally have no issues with neopronouns like xe/xem because they r made up words that dont already use pronouns. Now that being said: I dont understand xenopronouns. Ive thought about them for a while and i PERSONALLY cant wrap my head around them: youre using a noun that already falls into a specific gender identity and pronoun, wouldnt it be much more helpful if you created a completely new word describing your identity to the tee, how is this going to translate into real life conversation as i stutter alot and isnt it giving transphobes amo to make fun of you? Despite this: i dont hate anyone who uses them at all. Even if i dont understand them, pls use whatever you want to feel comfortable however I dont think ill be able to have a conversation with you properly because its hard for me to use smthing i cant understand, i stutter A LOT and I NEVER want to misgender a person: whether i get it or not. So for the sake of my sanity of not overthinking and your right to your gender identity: please block me. it will do us both favours and its the HIGHEST lvl of respect i can offer u
I seriously dislike how MEAN tiktok is regarding neo and xeno prnouns tho. You can 100% not understand it and even find it a little weird, but the way they go about it is so rude and disgusting: especially during pride month. People who use those pronouns are valid even if we dont get it. So if you dont wanna refer to them in the correct pronouns: dont interact at all. Nobody is forcing u to talk to them, thats what i do.