Just saw a post on r/HumansAreSpaceOrcs asking "What fact about humans would make Aliens go 'I don't want to know'" and someone said "The fact that humans evolved to be symbiotic with bacteria" and i write this:
"Oh my Draęv." K'irṣchæ felt sick to her stomach at the sight before her 12 eyes. "This, this can't be happening. This is illegal!"
"Shh, keep it down, K!" Her classmate shushed her, excitement clear in her eyes.
"You don't understand, this shouldn't be happening!"
K'irṣchæ and EaoM were students in a Comparative Humanity Studies program at Neb U, the highest ranking University this side of the galaxy. They'd recieved permission to study humans in a classroom setting, but they'd never gotten a chance to be up close and personal with them in their natural environment, so they'd decided to sneak out to the human settlement on a nearby death world.
Seeing so many humans all in one place was thrilling, and they'd gotten a bit carried away, not paying attention to where they were going. K'irṣchæ and EaoM had walked down an alley and gotten swept up in a crowd that soon entered a dark room. Settling in for what they thought would be a show or religious ritual, K'irṣchæ had been surprised when 3 men walked out into the space cleared at the center of the room.
A bright light shown down on them and K'irṣchæ could see that two of the men were topless, wearing only shorts and athletic shoes. They had white stuff wrapped around their hands, and were bouncing up and down in place.
The man in the center was wearing a tuxedo- traditional Terran formal wear. Holding a mic up to his mouth he began to speak.
"In this corner, weighing in at 125 pounds, we have Rowdy Robby Lennon!" The crowd cheered in appreciation as the man in blue shorts stepped forward and raised his arms.
"And in this corner, at 128, is Dukin' Dennis Kelman!" More cheers from the crowd as the other man stepped forward, slapped his chest, and raised a single finger, then pointed to the crowd.
The man in the tux was replaced by a man in a black and white checkered shirt, who made the men bump hands, then stepped back. For a while, the men circled each other, then Dennis ran forward and punched Robby square in the jaw.
K'irṣchæ started to stand up, but was urged to sit back down by the humans surrounding her, which she did. When she turned to EaoM, to inform her that the activity they were seeing had to be stopped, EaoM just shushed her.
Nobody else in her program had an interest in Human Biology and Galactic Law like K'irṣchæ did. They were all interested in human culture and traditions. But even EaoM should know that humans were a protected race. Fauna that held billions of fauna within their own bodies- microscopic beings that existed in environs even harsher than humans themselves could stand. Every human was like its own walking planet, a death world unto themself! As such, waging war on humans was strictly prohibited by the Galactic Council. Anyone found to plan, threaten, or actively engage in hostility against a human would be tried and face the harshest penalties!
Did EaoM not know this? Did the humans?
Ignoring the people who shouted her down, K'irṣchæ stood and rushed out of the room.
Clutching her communication device tightly to her chest, K'irṣchæ prayed silently to Draęv, hoping that she could connect to anyone with the sense and power to stop the horrors she'd just witnessed.
"Galactic Council Tip Desk, how may i direct your call?"
"Please, connect me to the Human Services department. I've just witness a crime against humanity!"
Without another word, K'irṣchæ was sent through to someone who sounded just as worried as she was.
"Hello, with whom am i speaking?"
"Hi, I'm K'irṣchæ. I'm a student at Nebula University, doing a research excursion to the planet V dash 12 point 2. I snuck out with my classmate and I... I saw someone harming a human!"
The person on the line drew in a sharp breath and K'irṣchæ hard them tapping away.
"Tell me everything you saw!"
"Well, there was this dark room, and then the humans stepped out, and they just started fighting! There were so many people in the room, but nobody seemed to care. It-"
"Wait..." the person cut her off. "The humans were fighting?"
"Yes! I think one of them even drew blood from the other!"
"Thank the gods? Did you not hear me?!" K'irṣchæ was indignant, now. She could feel her already fast heart begin to beat harder in her chest.
What was your name again? Keersha?"
"Listen, K'irṣchæ. Thank you so much for being proactive, and calling in with your concern, but no laws were broken here."
"But Galactic Law says that humans are protected! Their internal ecosystem cannot be harmed!"
"That's right. But a subsection of that law clarifies that this only applies to non-human species'. A human cannot be sanctioned by the Council for harming another human, unless they are aiding another species in waging war against humans. Humans can fight each other all they want."
"Is not as important to the Council as the safety of other Council aligned planets."
"What? I don't understand."
"You go to Neb U, right? You studying humans?"
"Then pay more attention in your Earth History courses. And your Human culture ones too. Sure, human anatomy and biology is interesting stuff, but humans are one of the most viscious, deadly races to ever join the Council."
"But... they're so small, and their skin makes them vulnerable!"
"They're death worlders, kid! How do you think humans managed to not only survive their home planet, but make it to the stars? Humans are cunning, they are strong, and they are very *very* good at warmongering. That law is in place to protect us as much as it is to protect them. You gotta read up on Galactic history too, and not just on Council species'. The first species to attack a human settlement wasn't part of the council- they were Midowhurians."
It was K'irṣchæ's turn to draw in a sharp breath. Midowhurians were some of the most ferocious beings in existence. They traversed the galaxy, attacking other planets. The Council had been formed in part as a response to them, the idea being for weaker races to join together to fight their strong foe as a joint force.
"What happened?" Horrible images of bloody humans and a scorched planet flashed in K'irṣchæ's minds eye. She knew what Midowhurian forces were capable of.
"What happened? The humans sent those Mido's home with their tails between their legs!"
"I mean, sure they lost some people, but the humans managed to beat back the onslaught and sent the Midowhurians running. And guess what? They ran after them! Humans are relentless! They hunt by wearing their prey down, and that's exactly what they did to the Midowhurians. They chased them to the far reaches of space. Whenever the Mido ship tried to stop for fuel or supplies, the human ship would fire on them. Finally, the Mido ship broke down somewhere in no mans land, and the humans began their real assault. Those Midowhurians were so scared, they called the Council! We sent in a peace negotiator, and that's how that law got made, and how humans joined the Council, though they demanded retribution from the Mido warriors. I hear Midowhuria still sends reparations to that human settlement 200 cycles later, and the Council Leader gets a gift basket every year too, though who wants a gift basket from a Midowhurian."
K'irṣchæ shuddered to think of what a Midowhurian might consider a gift.
"So... humans aren't a protected race because theyre weaker than us..."
"No, not at all. Actually, we should be glad theyre fighting each other and not us."
