Still Not A Turtle

Welcome to the blog of Jess Im a 23 y.o Australian Nerdfighter... Studying Music and Education @ Macquarie University. I play piano, guitar, ukelele and sing, and have 3 cats. This is my not insanely personal stuff blog. Expect cats, dogs, Nerdfighter stuff, lots of fandoms, music/bands... and such... just look and decide if you like I guess. Check out the pages for my text posts and pictures of my life.

[starfishinspace-blog]

Click here to support Assistance Dog for Jess

My current assistance dog has suddenly been forced into retirement ahead of schedule making my need to train another dog to take her place now an urgent matter. I do have other medical needs that were being addressed by this fundraiser however the most important thing right at this moment is to...

Its been a while since Ive used this account. Partly because life is busy and partly because I havent needed it so much as Ive turned to other outlets and ways of connecting and communicating. 

Im now in a position of my service/assistance dog has been put into retirement from almost all public access work (explained in latest update - she can basically get a taxi/train between my place and a friends/mums thats it). Retirement was caused by injury.

Having her work changed and possibly even saved my life. It was fucking miserable before and I wasnt getting anywhere. Since having her my mental health has massively improved though my physical health has worsened (or maybe im just more aware of it and better at expressing it because im not so consumed by mental illness - who knows - either way - lots of chronic illness). 

Life without an assistance dog (service dog for USA peeps) just does not work for me. Its only been a few weeks and im really struggling.

I dont want to make this post too long because our spoons are precious. If you want more info click the link - literally everything helps and goes to associated medical costs. Money raised is kept in a seperate account. 

Ive found a dog who meets all the requirements, passes the tests with flying colours and is now going for hip and elbow scoring, which anyone who has a service dog likely knows - can be quite expensive for a spoonie. My only income is DSP though I am trying to sell things, call in any debts and anything else I can do. I am not able to work. 

I am prepared for the day-to-day costs of having a second dog and all has been carefully budgetted for. This fundraiser is for the big costs I can do alone - the intial testing, adoption, transport home, gear (she will do mobility work so this is important) etc. All this is better detailed in the fundraiser

If you have any questions you can email me at [email protected]

If you cant donate, I totally understand - lots of us are struggling - you can always help by sharing.

[dragoninatardis]

One of the things that both chronically ill and non chronically ill people have to remember about chronic illness is: Recovery time is not free time. Sleep is not a hobby. You may have more hours in your life devoted to those things than others, but you can’t only take those hours out of what would otherwise be free time. It doesn’t matter if you just spent a lot of time sleeping or lying around with no spoons and in too much pain to sleep. It’s still important to spend time having fun, if you can. It’s still important to have actual free time, actual time off.

[spoonie-living]

This is so exceptionally important, and something that’s often not considered by doctors, disability insurance, or welfare.

That kind of attitude trickles down to us sick folks and is easy to internalize, but those 3 hours you spent watching Netflix because you couldn’t do anything else? That’s still recovery time, even if you were entertained by it.

Similarly, even if you enjoy a good nap when you’re tired, it absolutely does not count as free time. Free time is only free time when you can freely choose what you do with it.

Don’t ever give up your fight to enjoy your life.

[starfishinspace-blog]

my brain: it's time to be angry

me: what? No nothing bad has happened to me

my brain: no it's anger time lol

me: okay that makes sense

[sunshinewhenitsraining]

for more inspiration http://sunshinewhenitsraining.tumblr.com/

[metradell-vyorei-deactivated202]

That severe mood shift that makes you want to hurl fucking glass across the room at the wall because you’re suddenly SO ANGRY and there’s NOTHING YOU CAN DO

[levathian]

BPD anger is funny because one moment you’re kinda okay and the next you wanna take a sledgehammer and destroy all of your furniture.

[youarenotyourdisorderbpd-blog]

[audhdummy]

watch me go from “i hate you” to “i’m so sorry” in .3 seconds

[ninenine-brooklyn]

[starfishinspace-blog]

Ordering food should not be this hard.

Fucking anxiety. And its not even about the food - I was just so anxious that I couldnt do anything. I couldnt go to the kitchen and cook between the pain and anxiety I just could not function. I was looking at the page and seeing the words and I couldnt process the information it was all meaningless I couldnt think. I took valium. Because just trying to read was putting me in tears. I dont even remember what I got. This is obviously the rebound of whatever the fuck it was my brain was doing last night/this morning. 

My memory is not working. I cant remember what I wrote in the previous sentence and I know that is anxiety.

But seriously anxiety. Can you not? 

[starfishinspace-blog]

I started writing this email to my doctor. I finally inserted it here once I reached the laryngitis part. Dont worry im not contagious it wasnt me lol. so... heres my brain on steroids. THIS is why I cant have them injected.    Sooooooooooooo.... High. I think i might be. Like elevated getting manic kind of high. Yep thats a terrible joke. but also kind of indicative. I spent an hour tonight having a very weird experience. It was a very detailed conversation with an imaginary cop at parramatta station tomorrow afternoon (like this conversation is all takng place in my head at parramatta station tomorrow afternoon. .. I can see it in my brain. ) Like I wasn't doing other things I was meant to be doing because I sat on my bed for at least 45 minutes talking to this cop. .. like I was gesticulating and doing the autistic hyper focus stuck on this endless talk that was very articulated stream of thought. Kinda hard to explain. Idk it's like several disorders combined in an oddly specific way to form that. So I would say it was a combo of ptsd/bpd for the cop and paranoia thing. Anxiety for the need to have ridiculous hypothetical and rehearsed scripts for conversations... that one also applies to the autism which is where the style of speech and movement comes from. Oh amd the autism is the part where I specifically don't look at the cops eyes and like somehow I was physically turning my eyes away from a cop that I could only see in my minds eye. Oh and I'm not High either. It's stopping now. Typing about it changed the time so I'm now watching it as though it's already happened and now I'm just getting flashbacks to an imaginary encounter. Oh OK. Bindi has climbed up next to me. Good dog. Clever dog. Idk what to call this. Hallucination? Lucid dreaming? Dissociation? It was actually a little dissociation. Was kinda like how I feel I'm seeing the world when I'm dissociating. oh i wasnt fully talking but i sort of was.. like i was moving my mouth to make the word shapes but talking in a kind of hard whisper? Also its 3am and im adding 7 million things to my wishlist on etsy and gear shopping for Bindi. I wont buy anything - cant - I dont have any money in my account that i can use for online purchases. and im not so high that Im taking money from my savings account. I have taken all my meds. I think im elevated because i got sick and my lungs are unhappy so ive been doing the nebuliser treatment daily and my brains gone oops too many steroids for me or something? idk... i dont usually get a lasting high from the inhaled stuff... like it does give me a really short sped up filling but no altered mental state? I guess the stream of consciouness rambling email is a bit of a giveaway. Well. Im listening to calming music. I need to finish with all my open tabs and then im allowed to go to try sleep. Bindi has curled up next to me voluntarily which she generally only does if she thinks I need it - otherwise she prefers her bed or the corner of the bed where i heap the unused blanket if im not using it. Ive taken3 x LiOr3 x Lithium Methionine1 x herbalax (because that seems to be working better for me than dulcolax on a regular basis)1 x vit d1 x b61 x mega fish oil (3g)1 x magnesium3 x NAC7mg melatonin100mg zoloft5mL salbutamolSymbicortPrednefrinCiloxan2 x panadiene forte1 x glucosamineNasoclear (yes im ACTUALLY using it) oh and my appetite MASSIVELY switched which I would assume is from the steroids? even though they dont usually do this maybe coz its buidling up or maybe its unrelated? but I'd barely been eating the past few days... topping out at 500 cal. Then today i think I got about 1300 and just such food cravings. And I ate mcdonalds. I dont even remember the last time I ate maccas. My stomach was not happy and did not know how to deal with it. Ok the meds are kicked in and I really need to go attempt before the peak effectiveness dies off. I have a very small window of opportunity here to stop this and somehow I need to have enough self control to do it but omg I just want to go through all those tabs (tabs as in pages in my internet browser that i have opened but havent checked yet). Theres at least 20 etsy and about the same youtube and a few other sites. If I go on youtube I'll be stuck. May as well give up but its a lost cause. I know its not exactly helping me sleep but being on here is at least helping me stay away from youtube and shopping and facebook and instagram and things where there is external stimulus that could send me off on tangents for hours and hours and next thing hyou know no sleep full blown mania cant do that gotta go sit on cats.... im cat sitting tomorrow. got 3 cute kitties to take care of. Ooooh ok I can definitely feel the meds taking full effect. Im gonna try. But that means I have to change what im listening to because I cant listen to music to go to sleep because I just want to stay awake and listen to more so it has to be talking.... the problem is... I DONT WANT TO SWITCH IT OFF THE MUSIC TO THE TALKING. Ok maybe if i do it with my eyes closed. Is that easier?  Ok that worked thats easier. And I switched from this window turned the music off and back here to finish my sentence without opening my eyes and there is really no need for my eyes to be open so i could just keep typing until i fall asleep and my typing is relatively accurate until im actually falling asleep. So like my body. Im literally doing everything i can to make myself not sick and what that involves has caused me to be sick in a different way. Sort your shit out body-brain.. Ok I think im gonna paste this to a document and then decide whether or not to send it in the morning. that seems like a saner decision. you probably dont need to read all this. Physically I am getting better.... or at least in terms of this cold thingo im definitely recovering and quite fast. augmentin duo forte + salbutamol apparently works quite well for me. But my hands have gotten significantly and noticeable worse, so has the shaking, which I think is because the zyprexa was actually treating it and we didnt realise and since its neurodegenerative or whatever its gotten worse but i hadnt realised how significantly till post-zyprexa because the zyprexa was managing it. My shoulders are worse, im getting more random pain but my pain levels in general are less and my function is better or idk if im just manageing things better? my brain I think is fairly clear but I honestly cant tell if thats just now I cant remember what it was like at any time other than now. OOOHHH This could also be because I read the word laryngitis and apparently that triggered PTSD flashbacks but not to the events but rather other perfectly innocent interactions with that person to the time they had had laryngitis and there throat had been damaged and hadnt recovered yet so their voice was all croacky and weak. Oddly speciifc memory. I remember nothing else about what was surrounding that memory just, that vivid image of where we were sitting what we were wearing our positions relative to each other and movements,, i can see it in my brain.

oK No I HAVE to stop typing and go to sleep. Bindi is dreaming. Shes kicking me in her sleep and its acctually helpful because she just constantly slighty pulling my focus off of the manic typing and fixated stream of consciousness. Good pupper. Helpful een in your sleep. Sleep. I MUST SLEEP SO I CAN NOT BE SUPER FUCKED UP. OK IM GONNA DO IT. IM GONNA TRY DO IT.

Im gonna switch to my phone where it will become painful to type VERY fast and I’ll be physically unable to continue after not long especially considering the ferocity and intensity with which im typing atm. My fingers will not manage that for even 5 minutes. NIGHT!

[chickenhuggit]

REBLOG IF UR FRIEND IS WORTH AT LEAST SIX POTATOE

[tastefullyoffensive]

[thefingerfuckingfemalefury]

THIS IS NOT A GOOD BOX HUMAN

SAVE ME FROM THE BOX

[blackyrider]

I TRIED TO SITS BUT IT DIDN’T FITS

[micdotcom]

Watch: Fox News sent a reporter to Princeton to make fun of “sensitive” college students

[yourbigsisnissi]

they have so little respect for the intelligence of this generation

[prissypixipea-deactivated201704]

Disgusting

[nerdgasrnz]

Fox reporter: What do you think of this blatantly offensive thing? College students: I don’t appreciate the light-hearted dehumanization of fellow human beings Fox reporter: lmao listen to this sjw bullshit #lol #kek #triggered

[geminibrujo]

wow…so they went to an Ivy League school with some of the brightest and hardworking young minds in the country and attempted to shame them for being intellectually sound and thoughtful of race in America? this shows you how disgustingly warped conservatives see the world and how they cater to the lowest common denominator, because this was supposed to make academics seem bourgeois. 

Please take a seat, Fox News. Your thinly veiled racism is starting to be much less veiled….

[celestialmoonchild]

Conservatives on just annoying pieces of shit

[imadeanewblog]

When you have a flare and your period at the same time

Originally posted by donnaweasley

[chronicillnessmemes]

[image is a gif of Stitch screaming into the rain, throwing down his little fists in anguish and anger.]

[tastefullyoffensive]

(via paige_russsell)

[projectqueer]

Grey's Anatomy actress Sara Ramirez comes out as bisexual

Star of ABC’s medical drama Grey’s Anatomy, Sara Ramirez, has come out as bisexual in a speech at the True Colors Fund’s 40 to None Summit in Los Angeles on Saturday.

The 41-year-old who’s a member of the Fund’s board of directors got married to her husband Ryan DeBolt in 2012. At the weekend’s event, she opened up about embracing her identity as a Mexican-American woman as well as her sexuality.

‘So many of our youth experiencing homelessness are youth whose lives touch on many intersections – whether they be gender identity, gender expression, race, class, sexual orientation, religion, citizenship status,’ she said during her speech. Because of the intersections that exist in my own life: Woman, multi-racial woman, woman of color, queer, bisexual, Mexican-Irish American immigrant, and raised by families heavily rooted in Catholicism on both my Mexican & Irish sides,’ she continued, ‘I am deeply, deeply invested in projects that allow our youth’s voices to be heard, and that support our youth in owning their own complex narratives so that we can show up for them in the ways they need us to.’

CLICK THE HEADER LINK TO WATCH THE VIDEO.