i dont wanna be rude but why haven't you posted in like a year? don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're back but what happened?
Thank you for your warm welcome back! There's gonna be a bit of a dump below the cut for everyone wanting to know more but the tldr is: several big family health incidents, forced to get a new computer, fled town, but I'm in a much better place now and I'm ready to write again
Like a week after my last starter collection was posted, in his sleep my disabled and abusive father that I'd been living with and caring for for years had a stroke. I called the ambulance and they said that it was just dehydration but the next day he was a lot more irritable than usual and just walking up 7 stairs had him winded. Hoping maybe things would be better if I helped get his mind off of things we started playing Candyland but his whole body was shaking. He kept forgetting simple things like how to play the simplest board game known to man and I felt so powerless that I called the ambulance again and while I was, while he was still shaking, he kept screaming and berating me, saying that I was stupid for being so concerned. That was the last time I saw him in that house, unable to stand on his own and trying to be the sweetest man in the world to make the EMTs think I was the crazy one. The EMTs didn't buy it and with mine and my mother's testimonies that he had fallen 4 times the night before and needed help even sitting on the toilet, they took him in to the hospital. There was like crazy gang violence in town though so they were waiting to be seen for hours and in those hours he was berating my mother and telling her how ungrateful we both were to him. Turns out he had had a heart attack right there, while we were playing candyland and he likely would have died that night if I hadn't called the ambulance. He had the starts of dementia already but all that really exacerbated it so after his stay in the hospital, they wanted him to go to a physical rehabilitation site three towns away. I remember when he called my cellphone the day I was packing for an anime convention, he had enough mental wellness to tell me that he was losing pieces of his memory, and he was terrified. It was then that I blocked his number, hoping that the weekend away would do me good and it really did, but in those moments we had to break the news to our family that no, he wasn't just a goofy old man being mean bc he was frustrated with being in the hospital but he was often that mean to us. Things got worse, they found strange marks on his bones, tumors in his organs, and diagnosed him with a slew of diseases. After so much struggle and stress, we got him a room in an assisted living facility, one that he still calls my sister and I, asking when he'll be allowed to leave.
I had never thought I would be able to leave that living situation. I didn't want to leave my mom alone with him. I'm physically stronger than her and could defend myself better when he threw things, but when he was put in the assisted living facility, for the first time in years I had hope. Around this time I did some freelance work on a laptop that I got in middleschool and wouldn't you know it, it didn't take well so I had to scounge together money to get a new one so I could keep helping with payments around the house. I got one and it's great, I love her. But all the same, being in that house, in that neighborhood was doing terrible things to my mind. Even without him there, I felt afraid to be places in the home, I couldn't walk to the park without thinking about the time I was forced shoeless out of the house in the middle summer because I stood up for myself. Every time I saw the dining room table I saw him, shaking and screaming, I couldn't even be in my bedroom without knowing keenly that there was no way out of the room if someone stood in the doorway. I felt both so free and so trapped and everywhere I went in town were people who he had managed to trick. "Such a shame what happened to your father, why does god do the cruelest things to the nicest people." There was nowhere in that town where I didn't see him standing there, where I didn't get spoken to about him, I couldn't handle it. I was haunted by the ghost of a man who had drove me to attempt suicide four times and I needed to get away, badly. My sister lives in the capital city of the state we're in and her lease was ending soon so we finally decided to do what we promised we would when we were kids: get out of that town and live together.
I've now been living in a two bedroom apartment with her for a month and a half and I feel so much better now, I've gotten back into my old hobbies that I didn't do bc I was so scared to be doing something I couldn't drop at a moment's notice. I've read 13 books since being here, I've drawn again, and I've listened to music and for the first time in a while thought to myself "this would be great for a roleplay starter collection." I feel better now, stronger, more sure of myself, less afraid. I never thought I could feel this unafraid and I'm ready to get back into my hobbies.
TRANSGENDER DYSPHORIA BLUES BY AGAINST ME! LYRIC STARTERS
feel free to change phrasing as you see fit (happy pride month, we're celebrating with one of my favorite albums)
CW: Mentions of transphobia, suicide, overdose
“Your tells are so obvious”
“You want them to see you like they see every other girl”
“They just see a faggot they hold their breath not to catch the sick”
“I wish I could have spent the whole day alone with you”
“You've got no cunt in your strut”
“We can't choose how we're made”
“Who's gonna take you home tonight?”
“Yet to be born, yet you're already dead”
“God bless your transsexual heart”
“Well, you should've been a mother you should've been a wife”
“You should've been gone from here years ago you should be living a different life”
“Even if your love was unconditional it still wouldn't be enough to save me”
“What makes you think you're going to die any different?”
“Welcome to the future an always ice-cold nightmare”
“This night too will end”
“Look at all them bitches, yeah I'm going to fuck them all”
“There will always be a difference between me and you”
“What's the best end you can hope for? Pity fucks and table scraps”
“What's the best thing you can hope for? A blindfold and a ball gag, Burned-out eyes, grotesque beauty”
“Where would we be without all the distance?”
“All things made to be destroyed All moments meant to pass”
“I never wanna say that I regret it, Never wanna say that we grew apart, And never wanna say that the feelings changed”
“How would you even recognize me?”
“There's a brave new world that's raging inside of me”
“You don't worry about tomorrow anymore Because you're dead. Or does anything still echo?”
“Well I know she still remembers She sleeps with your picture by her bed”
“God damn, I miss my dead friend”
“She waits for you to haunt her”
“Two coffins for sleep, One for you, one for me. We'll get there eventually”
“How lucky I ever was to see the way that you smiled at me”
“One day soon there'll be nothing left of you and me”
“All the things that I have yet to lose will someday be gone too”
“All things will fade, maybe it's better off that way, I wish you'd stay with me”
“Our waking life's just a living dream agitated states of amazement”
“I don't ever want to talk that way again I don't want to know people like that anymore”
“I want to piss on the walls of your house”
“I want to chop those brass rings off your fat fucking fingers as if you were a king-maker”
“I don't want to see the world that way anymore”
“I don't want to feel that weak and insecure as if you were my fucking pimp; as if I was your fucking whore”
“All the young graves filled. Don't the best all burn out so bright and so fast?”
“i bite at the hand that feeds me slap at the face that eats me”
“[name] attracted violent men. strangely she had a way of making the violence seem like it was their idea”
“the three of them had two things in common, violence and perfume.”
“mhmmmm this one here smells great”
“she couldn't have been that crazy, i dont think so”
“she put her poodle one time in a microwave oven”
“they were both found dead she must have been out of her head”
“here it is there's my favorite perfume we've been looking for everywhere”
“why don't you buy one for me too and ill meet you at the door”
“how do i meet the strangest men they always seem to find me”
“remember that time way back when i kissed a guy who ate his woman friends”
“we met before?”
“we wont see him anymore”
“who knows how some people turn to strange ones. Is it up to me to make them into dead ones?”
“[name] longed for that sexual scent that smells like home”
“he had used so many masks to disguise himself that he had forgotten who he was, who he'd known.”
“there's a strange looking man at my door”
“you have two choices. one, i will eat you now, or two, i will cut your arms and legs off one by one and eat them slowly”
“Love shouldn’t cost an arm and a leg”
“You smell so good the sweetest flower of all”
“Have there been others?”
