do you think the reason why Mary's abuse is so justified is because she's a woman and Neil’s a boy? I really can't see people being so forgiving if neil was a girl and mary was a man.
It's probably wrong to, but sometimes i wonder if people who defend and justify her actions have ever experienced abuse from a parent before
This is a first for me - I did not actually know anyone liked Mary or that she was a polarizing character in AFTG. I feel like most AFTG discourse I engage in, I am aware of what I am debating against. Can you let me know on what basis people defend Mary? I’m assuming they might try to justify her abuse b/c she was trying to save Neil from Nathan/the Moriyamas, but as far am I’m aware most readers are are that Mary’s intentions (to protect Neil) and her actions (physically, verbally, and emotionally abusing Neil) are inherently contradictory. Especially if you compare her to Andrew, Neil’s other canonical “Protector” who Neil thinks in TKM would never direct his violent anger towards Neil, regardless of how upset Andrew is.
If there are people justifying Mary’s abuse of Neil that is very surprising (and also horrifying). Neil, of course, justifies her abuse to himself in Canon - although I think people forget that Neil also thinks to himself that he hated her & while his feelings to her become more complicated after he realizes she ran specifically to save his life, he seems still to resent the fact that she was physically & emotionally abusive to him. Neil still grieves his mother, of course, because parental death even to those who suffered from child abuse can still be difficult, especially considering how traumatizing Mary’s death was at such a young age. However, I do hope reader’s know that while Neil having a complicated relationship with his mother makes sense for his characterization, she was still written to be a child abuser who inflicted monumental trauma upon Neil.
Additionally, I actually find AFTG very fascinating in the fact that it does explore numerous abusive mothers. We have Mary, and we know about her different kinds of abuse from Neil’s narration. We have Tilda Minyard, who we know was abusive and neglectful of Aaron (and eventually Andrew). We have Cass Spear, who was neglectful of her foster children, which resulted in many of them being sexually abused. We have Maria Hemmick, who was emotionally & verbally abusive to Nicky, using her religion as justification. I think AFTG is a very exploration on how Motherhood does not automatically transform women into Perfect Human Beings who exist solely to love & take care of their children, and draws attention to the fact that there are many different ways women are also capable of abusing their children - which, like you mentioned, isn’t something that’s explored as often as abusive father figures. What is also interesting is that Neil, Andrew, Aaron, and Nicky all still seem to feel some form of “love” towards their mothers (Mary, Cass, Tilda, Aaron) showing how because society constantly tells people: your mother is your mother and does what she does because she loves you & gave you life, therefore you must love her in return can cause a lot of damage to those who have experienced maternal abuse as they try to reconcile their mother (who is meant to be a universal symbol of “love” and “nurture”) with their feelings of abuse and fear.
Neil persuades Andrew to go to Thanskgiving because Nicky’s love for his mother reminds Neil of Mary, and when he reminds Andrew in TRK that Nicky still has a mother who loves him, assuming this wouldn’t be something Andrew would understand, I wonder if Andrew partially relented not just b/c Neil offered for him & Kevin to attend, as well, but b/c Andrew was also moved to agree by remembering Cass, the mother he also had to give up. Ultimately, none of these women are good mothers.
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