heyyyy, i know you're busy but i was wondering, do you have any advice for radfems who choose to date men? The political sphere makes it seem like it leans toward female separatism but not everyone wants to do that. Any and all advice would be extremely helpful.
Anyways, I love your blog and I hope you have a good day/night 💖
I honestly really appreciate you asking this, because I feel like posts on radblr about this issue are way overly simplified - and I'm already radblr's resident bihet so why not talk about it more, the people who think I'm a bad feminist aren't gonna change their minds and like me if I stay quiet about my life/opinions as a rad-aligned woman in a serious, committed het relationship.
Note: the actual advice section is lower in the post.
From what I've seen, pretty much all radblr posts about hetero relationships exclusively recommend "just don't date men," and the general consensus is that not dating men is the ONLY acceptable/effective path of action - and if you disagree, you're expected to shut up and accused of saying, "not all men." Which like, I ABSOLUTELY recognize how annoying it is when people pull out "not all men" rhetoric on posts about male violence, about lesbianism/loving women, about sex/porn - like shut the fuuuuck up about exceptions you're not contributing anything to those conversations. But I think separate conversations (that don't derail from other points/topics) about men, and the variations among them/deviations from the archetypal abusive, domineering, authoritarian, egotistical male, are important to have.
These discussions are especially important because the vast majority of women are heterosexual - or bisexual and statistically more likely to end up with men, because OSA males are much more abundant than SSA females, so finding a female partner who you actually vibe with (not just the only other SSA woman in a 50 mile radius who you get with out of desperation rather than true passion) can be much more difficult than finding a male partner you get along with - and the vast majority of OSA women are also not willing to categorically give up romantic partnership, so just repeating "separatism separatism separatism" as the ONLY productive path isn't going to get anywhere with most women on the planet.
☆☆☆ Advice section now, it got way longer than I expected... I literally had to write out an outline on 16 pages of notebook paper to organize it lol ☆☆☆
★ ADVICE FOR FEMINIST WOMEN INTERESTED IN OR OPEN TO A HETEROSEXUAL RELATIONSHIP ★
Note: A lot of the advice section is phrased as questions that you should pose to yourself when with a male partner - not just at the beginning of the relationship, but throughout, with regular reflection on the dynamics and check-ins with yourself; I strongly recommend journaling semi-frequently about your relationship in order to talk to yourself about any concerns or fears and hopefully understand them more thoroughly. My advice is not coming from a formal Female Dating Strategy perspective as I haven't personally employed those tactics and thus can't speak to their efficacy; all the advice I provide is coming from my personal experiences with dating - I've dated women and men, have had both good and bad relationships with people of each sex, and the heterosexual relationship I'm in right now is the healthiest one I've ever been in. For this reason, I will be sharing a significant amount of information about my current (and past) relationships as examples of phenomena I describe; I will do my best to add tmi and trigger warnings where appropriate!
SECTION 1 - The basic red and green flags at different stages of a het relationship.
★ - Pre-meeting in person (if met on a dating app, which is how I met my fiancé) RED FLAGS:
He controls/dominates any conversation you have, over text or voice call. He gets annoyed/insecure or controlling if you don't reply quickly enough for his taste. He changes the subject when you talk about yourself, your life, your interests. He initiates sexual interactions without prior discussion and consent (could be explicit photos, risque texts). He's casually misogynistic - keep an eye out for this one, because sometimes the signs are subtle and hard to immediately identify; it's not like he's gonna come right out and say he hates women, it's much more covert and insidious than that.
★ - Pre-meeting in person GREEN FLAGS:
He asks questions about you and engages with the answers you provide, thereby keeping the conversation interesting rather than devolving to small talk and "what are you up to" "nothing" "cool". He lets you choose when/where to meet for the first date. He takes your lead regarding how often you text/call (doesn't spam you if you're an infrequent responder, or actually replies to your texts promptly if you're a rapid texter). He checks in with you to ensure your comfort, since tone, communication styles, and senses of humor can be misconstrued or fall flat via text; he cares if he accidentally makes you uncomfortable/annoyed, and wants to make it right (like actual accidents, not like "let me see your tits" "wtf no" "oh I'm sorry! I wasn't thinking").
★ - Early relationship (first few months) RED FLAGS:
He gives you unsolicited advice about how to "improve" your appearance/behavior, or makes you feel that you're embarrassing/annoying; basically just negging behaviors, making you desperate for his approval by inventing supposed flaws that you need to fix. He is resistant to meeting your friends/family and/or is resistant to you meeting his friends/family. He's overly sexual: he makes everything a suggestive joke, is unable to hold a conversation without sexualizing, only calls you hot/sexy but not beautiful smart funny, etc., wants frequent and consistent sex, or escalates sex acts (trying to penetrate anally, choking, hitting, verbal or physical degradation; it doesn't matter if this behavior happens before or after becoming sexually active with you, it's still unacceptable bc it shows he isn't seeing you as a full human being but rather as a sex object to use - just because you've had sex doesn't mean that's now all you're good for.
★ - Early relationship GREEN FLAGS:
He is willing to have deep, emotionally vulnerable conversations with you and talks about himself/his history without you prying - he seems eager to share his life with you. He engages with media and activities you share with him, and he shares things he enjoys in return; he not only wants to know you, he wants you to know him. He lets you initiate sex pretty much exclusively to avoid making you feel pressured, and he eagerly participates in whatever sex acts YOU'RE interested in doing. He should be enthusiastic about pleasuring you: fingering, toys, head if you enjoy any/all of those activities - I'm atypical in that I do not enjoy receiving oral because of sex dysphoria and trauma, but even if you aren't into it, he should be WILLING to do it as well as completely understanding/respectful when you express disinterest. He also shouldn't expect automatic reciprocation just because he performed any/all of the above.
★ - Committed relationship/cohabitation RED FLAGS:
He doesn't contribute equally to daily household maintenance (cleaning, cooking, pet care if applicable), or only contributes if asked directly and reminded of his responsibilities task-by-task. He takes his bad days out on you (snapping, short temper, passive aggressive), and enforces his negative mood on you as your primary responsibility, expecting you to be able to fix whatever's wrong with him/his life. He stagnates: spends all his free time gaming or doom scrolling, has no motivation or ambition to improve himself or nourish his mental wellbeing; he has no coping mechanisms to deal with mental difficulties and so expects you to have the answers. You feel on-edge when around him (or even in the same house) because of his unpredictable moods - even if those moods AREN'T directly weaponized against you, that level of negativity erodes your mental health over time, and can fray your nerves by keeping you in a hyperaware/alert state.
★ - Committed relationship/cohabitation GREEN FLAGS:
He completes household tasks with no prompting and without expecting/requesting praise for routine chores (very often I don't even know my fiancé has done chores until I notice the laundry basket is empty or the bathroom is freshly cleaned); he also contributes to bills and other household expenses - even if it's your dwelling and his name isn't on the lease/deed. He takes an active role in other business items like scheduling appointments, bookkeeping, and keeping inventory of food and other consumables (cleaning products, paper products), and doesn't leave home management exclusively to you to manage.
Fiancé example: my fiancé (without being asked) orders groceries online and goes to pick them up every week or two, often without me even realizing he's going to - the kitchen is his domain, I don't cook but he enjoys it and makes us at least a couple meals a day, so he keeps whatever he needs in stock. Sometimes I'll wake up in the morning to him coming back from the store and putting groceries away
★ - Warning signs for violence and other abuse:
He shouts when he's angry, he throws/breaks things, he punches walls or objects, he treats you like one of the biggest problems in his life and blames you for everything. How does he react to you telling him he needs to calm down? Does he have the humility to reflect and realize he's being unacceptably aggressive, and then to apologize for it/change the behavior in the future?
SECTION 2 - His traits and patterns.
★ - Upbringing:
Observe and talk about his family dynamics, both past and present: are his parents still together and how's their relationship? What were his family's typical communication styles and problem-solving strategies? Does he respect his mother and treat her with sensitivity? What was his social life like in childhood and adolescence - were his peers normal or did they indoctrinate him into sexualized misogynistic teen boy culture: introducing him to porn, encouraging and rewarding misogynistic attitudes, bullying/harassing him - for example, socially punishing him for "feminine" behavior if he's GNC (example came to mind bc my fiancé is slightly GNC in presentation but extremely behaviorally GNC and was made fun of it a good bit in college - and would've been earlier if he hadn't been homeschooled)?
★ - Education - formal and informal:
For formal education: does he have a diploma? A degree? A graduate degree? Does he plan to pursue further formal education in the future, and what's his reasoning? What were his favorite classes in school and why? Favorite teachers/professors (and are there any women included)?
As for informal: Does he have a curiosity about the world and a desire to learn more - and does he follow through on it with research, reading, analysis? Does he enjoy and pursue new activities/skills, and learning how to improve at them? And most importantly: is he capable of critical thought - ESPECIALLY about things and people he personally enjoys or has a connection to (media, friends, patriarchy)? Is he able to accept and acknowledge that he benefits from misogyny whether or not he personally perpetuates it, and can he sit with the discomfort of being in the oppressor class without trying to make excuses to make himself feel better?
★ - Goals:
What does he want to do with his life - personally, professionally, socially? Does he share his goals with you? When you share your goals with him, is he supportive (meaning ACTUAL TANGIBLE support, helping you in material ways, not just saying he supports you, bc without action, those words are empty)?
★ - Hobbies:
What does he spend his free time doing? Does it serve to enrich his emotional, physical, and/or cognitive development (like art or athletics)? If his hobbies all center around consuming media, that's concerning - fully-rounded people typically have at least some creative or active hobbies). Does he engage with your hobbies, and how?
For example: my fiancé really enjoys making apps and websites in his free time (he's a programmer), and he also goes for runs or lifts weights at least a couple times a week - not to get ripped or anything, just for health's sake. As for engaging with my hobbies: I've been getting into diamond painting bc it's so satisfying to do, and he's sat down a few times and spent at least a couple hours working on one collaboratively - even though it isn't something he personally would have selected to do, he cares about me and savors those quiet moments when we share an experience, no matter how mundane.
★ - Personal grooming and care:
Does he shower regularly and thoroughly (you can gain this insight through taking a shower together, you'll know for damn sure if he washes his ass)? Does he trim/maintain his facial hair? Does he wear nice clothes (not a tux or anything, just put-together... like, not basketball shorts and graphic tees)? Does he consistently smell nice/wear a fragrance? Does he drink enough water and eat well enough to keep himself looking healthy (not necessarily thin or muscular, just not the type of sickly look that basement-dwelling coomers seem to always have)?
★ - Media:
Look at the movies, shows, music, and video games that he enjoys - encourage him to show you his interests so you can get an even clearer perspective. How do his favorites portray/treat women? How does he react to pornified media (anime "fanservice" scenes, "jokes" about porn or prostitution)? Does he laugh?
Fiancé example: every time anime has stupid fanservice moments, he groans allowed and says "come on bro, BOOOOOOO." And he's done that since early on, before I ever mentioned my own distaste for those scenes, so I know he isn't doing it performatively for my sake.
★ - Social media:
Which platforms does he frequent? What do his homepage, explore/recommended page, profile, and follower/following lists look like? The explore/recommended pages are ESPECIALLY enlightening to check - algorithms don't lie: if those pages are full of porn or other bullshit like right wing misogynistic memes etc, you know exactly what he looks at, even if it doesn't appear on his home page bc he isn't following the users who post those things.
★ - Substance use:
Keep an eye on his ability to regulate his intake of substances (ofc if there are substances you're uncomfortable with involved, like hard drugs, that alone is grounds for ditching him; but I'm talking about substances that you both agree on using - in my relationship it's pretty much just weed, neither of us drink alcohol with ANY frequency at all, it's like a few times a year). If he struggles not to black/green out every time he partakes, that is a sign of many traits you do NOT want in a partner - poor impulse control, addictive personality, lack of productive coping skills. People who struggle with moderation regarding substances are also much more susceptible to behavioral addictions (porn, gambling, electronics). Trust me as someone who used to be in a relationship with an alcoholic, having an addict partner leads to soooo much heartache; she lost her job for driving and arriving at the office absolutely shitfaced, shortly after which we broke up, but I thought about here ALL THE TIME for a long time after we separated bc i just felt so sorry for her. Respect yourself enough to get out of toxic patterns before you get too attached to someone with a looooooong road ahead of them; don't tether yourself to a sinking ship.
★ - Integrity (defined simply as doing the right thing even when no one is watching/will find out):
Does he return grocery carts to their corrals (silly example, but honestly speaks volumes)? Does he have compassion and consideration for others - and act accordingly? Does he take responsibility for wrongdoing and apologize? Does he keep his promises (to you and others)? Does he treat people with respect (including people who are not present, like people on social media)?
SECTION 3 - Interactions with people other than you.
★ - Social bonds:
Does he invite you to events with his friends and family? Does he act significantly differently (or worse) around his friends than he does with you - does the behavior ring of misogynistic under/overtones? What are his friends like - what kind of conversations do they have? What sort of jokes? How many close female friends does he have, and how does he treat them? Does he still pay attention to you at gatherings and help to bring you into the conversation if you/his friends are awkward around new people? Essentially, does he make every effort to help you feel welcome?
★ - Communication and conflict with friends/loved ones:
Does he handle social conflicts/friction maturely and productively? Does he consider other's points of view and express empathy? Can he apologize authentically for mistakes (like accidentally hurting a friend's feelings) without making excuses? How does he react to friends/loved ones being unkind to one another?
Fiancé example: how he acts with his friends really displays how much he treasures them, and he does whatever he can to maintain and develop relationships with them. The accidental hurting of feelings was direct from something that happened with him and a female friend, and he didn't make a single excuse, he took full responsibility for not thinking what he said through.
Also, as for his reaction to conflict between his loved ones, his twin brother is kind of a major dickhead (just perpetually pessimistic and extremely sharp-tongued in a ""funny"" way that falls flat all too often), and my fiancé has apologized to their mutual friends FOR his brother's behavior, because he wants to make it clear that he doesn't condone his brother's actions - even though everyone who knows him and his brother can see that his brother has the emotional maturity of a fourteen year old, and doesn't blame fiancé for his behavior in the slightest, but he still gets so bothered by his brother's behavior sometimes and he knows his brother won't apologize, so he feels responsible for smoothing over any ruffled feathers and cleaning up his brother's messes. And that's been the pattern their whole life bc they're twins, so he's noooo stranger to offering serious, sincere apologies, even for shit he didn't even do wrong.
★ - Other women in his life:
How does he look at/talk about women he doesn't know (strangers on the street, celebrities, etc)? What about women he knows personally (friends, sisters, etc)? What about his ex-girlfriends? If he calls ALL his exes "crazy" or claims they were abusive/toxic toward him........ like let's look at the common factor in all those relationships (him) a bit more closely 🧐. Do you feel secure in his fidelity - and if not, why not? Is it something you'll be able to talk through with him (like a lack of intimacy for a period of time that may be due to stress or hormonal lulls rather than necessarily indicating an affair) or is it highly suspicious/unforthcoming from him? In the latter case.... save yourself the trouble and kick him to the curb; you don't want to risk STDs from or pregnancy drama with other women who've also been being played by him.
Fiancé example: his oldest friend is a woman our age (all 25yo now, and they've been pals since 13yo) and he clearly treasures her: if she calls him, he answers almost instantly every time; he is willing to talk her through anything she's going through, social, romantic, professional, whatever it may be; she lives out of state for right now, and whenever she visits family he highly prioritizes getting to hang out with her. But, him treasuring her is not, nor has it ever been, romantic or sexual. I asked him if it was/had been pretty early on, and he said they'd never been involved, but she had a crush on him in high school for a few years - but he always appreciated their friendship immensely so he let her down gently to preserve it; when I asked her the same question, her story matched his exactly. She isn't his only female friend, but she's the closest by far.
SECTION 4 - Romantic relationship dynamics.
★ - Communication with you:
Do you run out of things to talk about on a regular basis (sign that the conversations are mostly one-sided, since a dialogue is generally self-perpetuating)? Can you have passionate and collaborative conversations with him, about a wide range of topics? Does he leave space for you to speak without interruption - and does he actively listen and engage with you when you share your thoughts? Can you disagree without him becoming frustrated, pouty, or angry?
Can you express a minor problem you're having with the relationship and rely on him to listen and work with you to fix it before it becomes a conflict - or do meta-relationship discussions usually trigger a fight?
★ - Conflict management:
Conflict is inevitable in every close relationship, romantic or not, but it needs to be handled thoughtfully to avoid lasting damage to trust. Do conflicts with him usually feel like you're adversaries fighting against one another, or like you're a team working together to solve an issue affecting you both? Does he assign blame to you consistently in conflicts> Or, alternately, does he make a big show of taking on the blame and excessively apologizing/calling himself a horrible person? That pattern is intended to manipulate you into dropping whatever the original issue was in order to comfort and reassure him. How does he handle conflicts that arise between you and another of his loved ones?
Fiancé example: again, related to his asshole brother. The first full year of knowing each other was extremely strained, and it all reached a head when he called my fiancé and accused me of all sorts of ridiculous shit (like that I was using my disability, which he called "nebulous pain", to control and isolate him; and I was just using him like a servant rather than having a healthy bond [he was referring to my fiancé, unprompted, doing things for me like getting me a drink/snack or rubbing my back 😐]) and said he didn't even understand why fiancé stayed with me when I "don't even do anything." Which is.... very ironic bc my fiancé was rotting in bed alone pretty much all the time before we got together, so it's not like not doing anything is a massive shift in his routine lol.
My fiancé - who has always felt like he and his brother (again, identical twins) are a unit, a team that supports each other pretty much unconditionally - TOLD HIM OFFFFFF for that phone call. He said "you do realize I choose her every single day, right? Like I didn't just end up in this relationship and I am not forced to stay - I do so because I'm happy for once." Bc prior to meeting me, he lived w his twin and spent all his time engaging with the negativity that follows his brother wherever he goes; and I'm a pretty fuckin' positive person bc I have to be in order to stay sane while being disabled as shit - if you can't make the best of your lot in life, what's the point? So getting to know me really changed my fiancé's perspective on life, and he has (on a couple occasions actually) thanked me for teaching him to focus on the small positives of life rather than the big (and small) negatives; simple pleasures like looking at the clouds, eating a loaf of fresh-baked bread w butter like a medieval peasant, spending time with my loved ones...
But yeah, after that his twin was properly put back in his place, and in the past couple months we've actually started to be friendly bc I can tell he's actually putting in an effort - he's giving me a chance as a person (finally) rather than seeing me as "evil girlfriend archetype" who STOLE his brother from him (wild).
★ - Finances:
Does one of you (either) always end up paying for dates/fun things? This cost should be equally split - or equitably split if there are significant income differences between you. Is he responsible with his money: budgeting, not impulse-buying/binge-spending (especially big-ticket items, even if they're gifts for you; large purchases should be a joint decision in committed relationships, especially if you're in the same household)? Is he responsible with his high-value belongings (like keeing up with car maintenance)? Does he have a decent career/make enough money to contribute (again, equitably) to your shared life - or will you be left responsible for the bulk of expenses?
Fiancé example: I am actually WAY worse with money than he is; he works hard, makes a great salary, and puts the bulk into savings - he agonizes, sometimes for days, before making a purchase over $100, even if he genuinely needs it (he needed a new desk bc his was kinda crappy, and he probably spent like a fortnight going back and forth and talking it over with me before he bought a nice standing desk, despite being able to afford it without even stretching his budget much). Meanwhile...... I struggle NOT to buy things as soon as I think of them, and I've spent literally over $10,000 on mineral specimens, luxury/niche perfume, and art supplies - all extremely pricy investments. I don't really regret the purchases bc if I don't spend on things I end up spending all my money only slightly slower on food/restaurants (addicted to lil treats fr). It stresses him the fuck out. When I was getting our custom matching engagement rings made, I was extremely careful about hiding the price from him, only getting as specific as "over a thousand"; I didn't tell him until months after we got the completed rings bc I wanted to make sure he was attached to his and wouldn't feel too guilty/too scared to wear it (they were each ~2,700, so I paid a total of 5,500, if you were curious).
★ - Controlling/manipulative behaviors:
Does he pressure you to shave, wear makeup, dress a certain way (and I don't buy into the whole "see if he's willing to do it too!!" bc frankly it doesn't matter, you're a fuckin mammal - if he can't make his peace w how you look he needs to go, no matter what he's willing to do to get you to do what he wants)? Does he criticize aspects of your personal grooming, or recommend/demand changes (saying you should grow/cut/style your hair differently, for example)? Does he try to make you hyperaware/critical of your own appearance through negging-type behaviors (you're pretty, but you could be perfect if [xyz]) or through being intently critical of you (like telling you repeatedly throughout the day that you need to "fix" something about your appearance or pointing out insecurities you've confided in him about) in order to keep your focus on your "shortcomings" and how to rectify them or at least hide them from him and others.
★ - Hierarchical behaviors:
Does he treat your opinions as secondary to his own? Does he expect you to regularly do tasks for him (particularly thngs he could easily do himself)? Does he talk over or interrupt you? Does he belittle you/minimize your abilities (like "affectionately" calling something you made rustic or childish, or dumbing down topics you're perfectly capable of understanding)?
Fiancé example: We've had so many deep, complicated, and difficult conversations about any topic you can think of, and even if he disagrees with me he'll still compliment how smart/impassioned/informed I am about it; one of the things that drew me to him early on was that he looked at me with completely awed heart eyes whenever I would rant about political issues, my special interests, things going on in my life - he's told me hundreds of times, including on our first date, that I'm the smartest person he knows.
★ - Secrecy/transparency:
Do you know his device passwords and have access to them, and did he offer up that access casually rather than as a dramatized production (usually indicates that he scrubbed the devices prior)? Does he consistently bring his phone with him when he leaves the room, even if he'll only be gone for a few minutes (grabbing a drink/snack, using the restroom, switching out the laundry)? Is he vague about things like finances (especially shady if you live together/have shared expenses)? Do you have each other's location available to track for emergencies - or at least have consistent, clear communication about where you'll each be and when? You shouldn't find yourself wondering where he is and unable to reach him.
Fiancé example: Maybe a month after meeting each other, we were driving somewhere and he got a text, and he gave me his phone password without a second thought so I could answer it for him. He almost always leaves it on the bed with me when he leaves the room, even if he'll be gone for a while to prepare a full meal, and his computer (which doesn't even have a password) is in the office of our apartment and I'm very frequently in there alone with the door locked because that's the easiest way for me to focus. I can and have searched through it a couple times randomly and I check his phone occasionally - both have been clean, including the social media aspects I mentioned earlier (the recommended/for you/explore sections being the most enlightening). The checks I perform always have consistent results, which are that he has video game news, his close friends, and (non-sexual!) weeb shit - never any thirst traps, he doesn't follow a ton of attractive women.
I will cover the context surrounding this MUCH more thoroughly in the next section, under the Pornography sub-heading, but my fiancé did used to have an instagram account for looking at erotic fan art, and I also THOROUGHLY examined that one to see what sort of fan art he was consuming - what I found was entirely vanilla, often barely-explicit drawings of characters he was fond of. Even after scrolling the explore page for over 30 minutes, there was nothing violent, degrading, or extremely explicit (there wasn't a single picture with realistic or detailed genitals/breasts). Again, more explanation of that entire situation is below in the porn subsection, marked with ☆'s
SECTION 5: Romance, physical touch, and sex.
★ - Pornography:
☆ MY personal experience with fiancé ☆
*TMI AND POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNING IN THIS SECTION*
I thought it'd be a good idea to put this before the general advice, because some of what happened in my own relationship heavily informs the advice I have to give. I made my opinions on porn pretty clear from early on - I'm too much of a loudmouth to keep opinions to myself in general, and especially from someone I spend a lot of time with. About a month into the relationship, I expressed my harshest criticisms for the porn/sex industry, expounding about statistics and showing him my own 20pg anti-porn essay that explored and explained those statistics, and he was shocked and horrified. He had told me before that bc of his sheltered upbringing, he didn't really understand the internet or use it til he was 16, and after I'd told him all the data about the sex industry, he shared that he had thought in his naiveté that he would be arrested if he accessed porn sites, so he didn't even see it until 18yo, and prior to that he just searched for erotic art; after watching filmed porn online for a couple months at 18yo, he found that it honestly made him uncomfortable and didn't really arouse him. After that he reverted to looking at nsfw fan art on Instagram. I asked him point-blank if he still looked at erotic art and he said occasionally but that he didn't really feel the urge much since he and I were having sex regularly at that point. I told him I'd rather he didn't look at it because it could potentially cause the same cognitive, neural connections, and sexual issues porn addiction does, and he agreed.
I found out a couple months after that that "occasionally" had been a bit of an understatement (he wasn't looking daily or for hours at a time or anything, but at least a few times a week he did) and that he hadn't stopped looking despite our prior agreement. I say later in my post not to tolerate boundary crosses and to end the relationship if major ones occur, but I didn't follow my own advice - mostly because I just... can't see erotic art as on the same level of mass-produced violent, degrading, and exploitative videos of financially coerced rape. I found out because we got drunk together and he drank more than he should have (he has a low tolerance, so he didn't drink a crazy amount, just too much for his system), got sick, and then broke down crying to me on the bathroom floor and admitted to his continued viewing and his secret Instagram where he found it. He didn't want to tell me all of it, but I calmly asked questions whenever he'd pause bc he's a horrible liar, and I could easily call him out for it and get more answers. Once he'd told me everything he was so apologetic and said once he was sober he would leave, bc he assumed I was going to break up with him for the situation; I didn't immediately correct him, because I was so scared there'd be shocking fetish content, pornographic images/videos of actual people, or even worse - so I reserved judgment and just asked if I could see the account. I searched through it for over an hour, scrutinizing every aspect I mentioned in prior sections and every other one for good measure.
As I said above, what I found was risqué but was honestly no worse than what I've seen on tumblr dozens if not hundreds of times in the ~14 years I've been on this site, sometimes even on rad blogs (I know I've uncritically reblogged nude art before, as have a lot of women on radblr - I've seen plenty of suggestive or even explicit fan art on my dash). It was honestly, in a weird backward way, a trust-builder; if he was so wracked with shame over some almost endearingly mild art that he told me in tears and assumed by default that I was going to break up with him - and respected that presupposition, not trying to change my mind, just acknowledging that he'd broken our trust and that I don't tolerate lying and deception in a relationship - then that clearly meant if he ever did this (or anything worse) in the future, it wouldn't stay hidden long. He can't keep secrets to save his life, which is very handy for re-establishing trust even after it was broken.
When I told him I wasn't going to break up with him, his first question was, "what can I do to make this right?" I told him that he needed to delete that Insta account (he did so in front of me), and added that if there was a return to this habit, he needed to tell me immediately and work with me to remedy whatever triggers he encountered (stress, frustration, sadness, boredom, etc) and to discuss any new limits; and if he failed to promptly report what had happened, that would place our relationship in serious jeopardy and most likely end it. He came to me a few times over the following month or two, just as he'd promised, and I also ambushed him with "have you been looking at porn again at all?" a few times - again bc I'd be able to tell the answer from his reaction alone, even if he tried to lie - and each time he said that he hadn't, and reiterated his promise to tell me about any relapses as soon as they happened - a promise he kept. Even when he hadn't had a relapse in over a month, I continued to occasionally ask just to double check. Last time I asked - probably two months ago - he said he hadn't done it in over 6 months at this point (which tracks with the last relapse report) and didn't even get the urge anymore, even when dealing with emotions/scenarios that had been major triggers for him before. He's very proud of himself for ditching it, and has told me that he looks back on his former habit with disgust, and called it "loser behavior."
I want to make clear: if his addiction had been to mass-produced porn, fetish material, or honestly just about anything other than what it was, he would've been out of my life faster than he could even try to explain it away. But I just couldn't really bring myself to ruin what had consistently been a fulfilling and happy relationship since its inception (about three months before I found out). I also would have ditched him if he'd continued to hide it rather than telling me in the first place and reliably reporting relapses. The fact that it was nsfw fan art, that he told me immediately, and that he's taken every step he can in order to restore our trust and to stop viewing it permanently. We've talked extensively about how differently it could have gone if his habit had been any worse, so knows all of this in concrete terms, he knows that he came very close to losing me over it, and he knows he will absolutely lose me for good if something like it happens again. And he's dedicated enough to me that he'll do just about anything to keep that from happening. So yeah, all that to say, if you do decide to relax a hard boundary like that, only be willing to budge slightly and ONLY if you think that it's highly unlikely that he will ever again cross/approach that boundary in the future.
GENERAL advice
If he says he has never watched porn or he "used to" but stopped suspiciously close to getting together with you, he's lying and he consumes it at least consistently if not compulsively. Just about every man alive in the modern world has dabbled in porn use, and many of them will not bother trying to stop until they either experience dick dysfunction because of it or they end up with a partner who doesn't tolerate porn. It's counterintuitive, but often men who admit to a porn or erotica habit (key word, habit, not a huge, escalated addiction) in an honest and vulnerable way are more likely to actually put effort into breaking that maladaptive dopamine loop that fuels their porn consumption. Men who claim not to have a porn habit are usually just used to/good at hiding their tracks and lying convincingly to the people in their lives.
★ - Romance:
Does he plan/organize some of your dates, outings, and getaways? Does he compliment you, even when you're looking raggedy? When he looks at you, can you feel fondness in his gaze? Does he tell you you're important to him/he's lucky to have you (especially when it's random and spontaneous, like he was just reminded by something of how much he loves you)? Does he surprise you with activities and/or small gifts? Does he make things for you (love letters, art, food)?
Fiancé example: he used to bring me a loaf of his homemade banana bread every time he visited; he also sewed me two frog-shaped hand warmers - but then more of them kept just "showing up" one at a time, because he would put them with the others while I was in the bathroom, which was extra sweet because it showed he did it purely because it brought him happiness to do it, not for my appreciation, reaction, or to make me feel like I owed him).
★ - (Non-sexual) physical touch:
Are his touches tender or more rough? How does he touch you in public - for example, is it possessive/controlling or a performative display for other people? Do his touches send the message (to you or to observers) that you're his property or pet? When he holds your hand, is it to maintain connection or does he pull you along? Do all his touches have a sexual overtone - like if you're "too" receptive, he'll try to initiate sex - or does he touch you with affectionate familiarity when he's not trying to have sex?
★ - Kink/BDSM:
If a man is enthusiastic about kinks/BDSM, he has typically rotted his brain with constant porn exposure. Kink culture is hugely misogynistic and exploits/enforces pre-existing gender relations (male doms and female subs make up the vast majority of people who practice kink), chemically reinforcing gender norms in people's minds by associating them with the endorphin rush of sex - even more true in men who have further solidified that association by engaging with porn.
Some red flags for men who have kinks they have not (yet) disclosed: Does he try to choke, hit, or verbally degrade you during sex, even without any prior discussion (not that prior discussion makes it okay, but the lack of a discussion to try to establish consent before trying those acts indicates even more disrespect for you, your preferences, and your pleasure)? This is typically because his brain has normalized those actions as simply an inherent part of sex, and he's completely disconnected from what normal, healthy intimacy looks/feels like. Does he call you or others "vanilla" as a negative? Does he use destructive language to describe passionate sex (e.g. "I'm gonna tear that pussy up")? Also, keep a careful eye out for signs of fetishes that are particular to YOU - for example: if you're a WOC, be wary of any signs of racial fetishization; if you're overweight, stay vigilant for any signs of "chubby chasers"; survivors of sexual assault/rape, beware of rape fetishists, who may seek out survivors for the thrill of hearing and/or recreating the victim's trauma. If you meet men that display signs of sexual fixation on a specific part of your body and/or experiences, avoid him like the plague.
★ - Healthy intimacy and sex - NSFW/TMI warning ofc:
Sex with a male partner who is porn-addicted/kink-fixated is underwhelming at best but can be profoundly traumatizing. I spent about six months with a guy who had a porn addiction (before I discovered rf and learned what I know now), and our sex was always AWFUL. It was always completely focused on his pleasure, the positions/acts he wanted to do, etc - and it would last maybe 6 minutes max because he had porn-induced premature ejaculation (the opposite can also occur, porn-induced delayed ejaculation). I had had sex mostly with women in my life at that point (still true, I've probably been with twice as many women as men) and I assumed sex with men was inherently abysmal and that it was the best I could expect from heterosexual sex overall - especially because my other (limited) sexual experiences with men hadn't been much, if any, better.
My fiancé proved that that assumption couldn't have been more wrong. He's always been very attentive and eager to please, but now that he's also porn-free our (already good) sex has reached mind-blowing levels. I orgasm at LEAST three times per session, he makes sure of it, and I've even discovered that if he angles/moves right, I can orgasm from PIV alone, which I would never have known if I had only selfish, porn-addicted, misogynistic male partners. But no, if a man is intent on learning your body, what it likes, and exactly how to do with it for best results, the quality of sex skyrockets.
Any healthy sexual relationship should improve steadily with time as both emotional and physical familiarity increase; my first time with my fiancé was already very pleasurable and satisfying, but over time it has improved even more, and is continuing to do so now, 18mo into our relationship - I figured it would have plateaued by now, but I'm not complaining lol. It just makes such a massive difference being intimate with someone who doesn't spend hours daily looking at other women naked, because then, seeing you naked feels special and like a privilege, as opposed to seeing you as just another face (or collection of sex organs, more accurately) in the crowd.
Parsing what comprises acceptable and healthy sexual behavior can be difficult for OSA women because of societal sex norms and past experiences with sexually dysfunctional or abusive men - and no matter what I say, I won't be able to fully dispel those unhealthy perceptions of sex, since the issue is so interwoven with other aspects of female socialization and misogyny (internalized and otherwise). But, in being with my fiancé, I've noted some of the key differences between his behaviors and my prior warped understanding of heterosexual sex's dynamics.
One of the major ones is that he has never expressed any desire for anal, which was something all my male exes had begged for - I asked one day if he had any interest in it and had just been scared to ask, and he said, "honestly, anal really doesn't do it for me..." and his explanation was MUCH more thoughtful than that statement alone conveys. The main reason he cited was that he didn't want to hurt me, and he said that he's never been able to see any reasons men are so into it besides them either wanting to hurt the women they're with, or possibly just wanting the power to do something to their partners that their partners don't want. That's the same reasoning I've seen repeatedly in radfem circles for why men want anal, so that analysis (pun intended) meant a lot to me, it showed me that he sees women as full people allowed to have our own needs and wants that are just as valid and important as our male partner's.
When figuring out what I like sexually, he would ask for my honest feedback and critiques so he could improve, and would implement whatever advice I gave - he never got defensive if I didn't like something, and he specifically requested that I never fake enjoyment or climax with him because he wanted to "earn it" (his words). This made it super clear to me that he genuinely took pride in the pursuit of my pleasure. It's extremely difficult for me to orgasm (even solo) and literally every male partner I had prior to now has gotten frustrated/discouraged and given up - which I assured them was okay, because sex "can be fulfilling for me even if I don't orgasm!" I'd fully convinced myself that I was fine with it, which was suuuuch a cope... what internalized misogyny does to a mf, fr.
I can also ALWAYS decline sex, for any reason, and my fiancé completely drops it without a hint of the petulant entitled routine other guys have employed to coerce me. I rarely actually DO turn him down for sex, because my libido is higher, but it has happened and he's always been totally understanding and unbothered.
Porn addicts' porn-induced sexual dysfunction is so destructive to sexual relationships with real people rather than the threesome they usually have with their hand and a screen; and it's fabulous having a partner who doesn't bring those hallmarks of porn addiction into the bedroom. There's no erectile dysfunction, no premature or delayed ejaculation, no jackhammer thrusting to compensate for death grip, no closing eyes/disconnecting from me to watch porn re-runs in his memory. He's always locked in on me, and that level of dedicated emotional intimacy is beautiful to experience. The reciprocal focus/energy is honestly just as satisfying (mentally) as the sex is (physically).
A man who is unwilling to prioritize and explore your pleasure should be automatically ineligible for sex with you, because his focus is on his own future orgasm rather than mutual pleasure and connection; if he wants a partner with no needs who he can utterly disregard, a fleshlight would be a better match. Value yourself enough to demand the best and accept nothing less: don't let yourself be a human fleshlight.
I also wanted to touch on the risks of PIV for women, as well as the sensitivity a male partner should have for those risks. STD's are one major concern, and I highly recommend asking to see a copy of his negative STD panel before proceeding with anything physical - and if he resists or says it's stupid/unnecessary/invasive, run for the hills lol; I did this with my fiancé even though he'd only been with two women prior to our relationship, and he showed the report with no protests, which is exactly how men should react to that request. The primary risk women face with PIV is pregnancy, and traditionally the onus is on the female partner to handle birth control (with a pressure toward hormonal types for male partners who want to have sex without condoms but don't want to risk becoming fathers - side effects of hormonal birth control be damned, obviously their ability to fuck raw with no consequences is wayyyyy more important than women's health and safety /s). My fiancé flipped that narrative: he always had condoms and spermicide with him, from the first time we had sex. Despite the precautions we took, I did end up pregnant about 10mo into our relationship, and he paid for abortion pills and basically took on full responsibility for my care before, during, and after the abortion - cooking for me, getting anything I needed/wanted from the store, etc. Following the abortion, we didn't have PIV for about 5 months, by which time he'd gotten a vasectomy and a clear sterility test.
SECTION 6: Leaving an unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship with a male.
★ - Danger and safety precautions:
Leaving a man can be potentially risky, especially if the reason for separation is him displaying red flags like aggression - and it gets more dangerous if you've been together/committed for a significant period. That's why I recommend staying vigilant and maintaining a zero-tolerance policy of mistreatment/boundary violations.
Before the breakup, I recommend getting anything you have at his place out before you even broach the subject of leaving; if you live together, get your important documents, sentimental items, and valuables out as subtly as possible. If something is unnecessary or easily replaced, don't worry about it; you don't want to tip him off that you're sneaking your things out. Reach out to your support system (friends, family, whoever you feel is safe and will help you) and make sure they know that you intend to break up with him and may need their help depending if things go sideways, so they can prepare for the possibility of you needing something (like somewhere to stay temporarily if you don't feel safe returning to your home since he knows where it is).
For the actual breakup, do it somewhere well-populated or even over text if you fear violence despite being in public - don't make yourself feel bad for breaking up via text, your safety and comfort is way more important than his ego, and he isn't owed a "proper" breakup if you feel unsafe. He also is not owed a justification for you leaving, and you are not obligated to provide him with your reasons for leaving. I'd actually recommend leaving it fairly simple, because he may try to argue with whatever explanation you give, and depriving him of that opportunity makes it less likely that he'll be able to convince you not to leave.
★ - Boundary enforcement:
As I said earlier, I violated my own rule about boundary enforcement regarding my fiancé's former erotica consumption, but that's the only time I have done so and I absolutely would never do it if there was malice or deceit behind the violation. And I've made that clear to him multiple times from very early on in our relationship, that I won't stick around if he oversteps my boundaries. There have been maybe three other incidents total of him approaching (not even crossing) boundaries, and I've shut it down immediately. As an example, about four months into our relationship, he yelled at my cat and stomped toward him to intimidate him (for context, my cat is several generations feral and an asshole, for lack of a better term; at that time he was about 8 months old and in the middle of a V E R Y challenging cat adolescence (he would bite and scratch hard enough to draw blood with no provocation, and would always attack feet/ankles if someone dared to stand up and walk around) and he'd been harrassing my fiancé the entire time he cooked dinner, so like........ I absolutely understood how infuriating cat could be and where the behavior came from, but it was still ofc unacceptable and I wanted to make that clear to him). I walked up to him (honestly got into his face a little bit and got aggressive, which I'm not proud of) and said "if I know that animal is a menace, but if you EVER treat him like that again, you will not be invited back to my apartment."
And, because my fiancé has self-awareness, humility, and the spine to admit wrongdoing, he was immediately apologetic: he said "you're absolutely right, I let my anger get the best of me and I'm really sorry... I'll handle it differently next time." He also picked up the cat and apologized to him directly lol. Since that one incident/assertion of that boundary, he's been an incredible, exemplary cat dad - honestly the cat even likes him better than me and will sit on him if given the choice between us lol. And he isn't just sweet directly to the cat, he also takes care of him in tangible ways: he scoops the litter, fills the auto-feeder, and cleans/refills the water bowl (daily tasks), while I'm in charge of the monthly flea treatments and other intermittent care (nail clippings, brushings).
As I said, there've been a couple other moments of friction when he bumped against a boundary, but they've always played out this way: he apologizes (sincerely and thoroughly), and he backs the apologies up with consistent and long-lasting alterations/improvements to whatever behavior had sparked the conflict. If you can't have that kind of productive dialogue with a male partner, even in a new relationship, you should seriously consider if he's worth your time and energy. Inability to take criticism or respect others' boundaries are hallmark signs of an abuser - because they truly believe that they are faultless, and you're just being a shrill, overbearing harpy by daring to imply he's done anything less than ideal.
CONCLUSION: Affirmations.
Companionship alone is not worth compromising your own morals and standards. Let yourself expect the BEST, and accept only that. Being alone is by far better than being tied to a cinderblock of a moid and plunging into the abyss of an unfulfilling relationship. You're absolutely worth taking care of, and it's up to you above anyone else to make sure that you're okay, so don't stay in situations that are harming you - that runs directly counter to your wellbeing, which is your responsibility to safeguard.
Though we've had our conflicts, my fiancé is dedicated to being the best he can be for me, and worked his ass off and changed things about himself and his actions in order to do so. He recently got a new (excellent) job offer, and he told me that the thing he's happiest about is that he'll have plenty of money to be able to completely financially support me to keep me from having to overwork myself and thereby worsen my disability symptoms/burn myself out. I know for a fact that he has my best interests at heart, and that informs what he does. If that changes at some point and he stops taking my wellbeing into account, I'll leave; but for now, I'm happy and I'm cared for, which I wasn't for a very long time before we met - and he has been responsible for the improvement of my mental and physical health as well as positive changes for my future plans. For example, I no longer fear that I'll die on the streets post-university; my parents told me I'm never welcome to live with them long-term again, and my plans for after my university housing ended were a big fuckin question mark - until my fiancé happily took on responsibility for me, as though it's a gift, not a burden.
And we all deserve to be seen as a gift, not a burden. Find that, and accept nothing less.
