Stupid & Anxious

Sweet Nightmares

[stupidandanxiousproblems]

I fucking hate the comments Why do you feel you have to talk? Nobody asked for your opinion Your sick, sad way of jerking off

The front bottoms - The plan (Fuck jobs) 

aka my Favourite band in the entire world <3

[stupidandanxiousproblems]

Oh, I always let you down You're shattered on the ground But still, I find you there Next to me And oh, the stupid things I do I'm far from good, it's true But still, I find you there Next to me

Kinabeats - I’m in love with you

[stupidandanxiousproblems]

Not for this world

Maybe i am just not made for this world? I could have been born in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong people? Something. I don't know what, but i know its true. I can feel it in my heart when i look at my friends and things i do and say to them, my family and the way i destroy everything good, my life and how nothing ever seems enough to make me happy. Sometimes i think my life is going to change, and things will get better but i will only ever be able to see the sadness in things because it is the way my mind has been programmed.

[stupidandanxiousproblems]

I told my mum something today. i said to her,

“i don’t think i will make it to 30″ “why?” she asked “i just have that feeling. you know? the feeling where you just sort of know.” “okay” “i think someone will kill me, or a car accident” “why a car accident?” “i just get this feeling when we drive.” “okay” “or i might even kill myself before all of that” i look up at at her, she frowns “i hope you don’t” before going back to fiddling with pots and pans, i walk back to my room.

I’m so glad she cares so much for me. so much that she never notices my little slip ups or cries for help, so much that she never notices that i keep a cut up razor on my bed side table every time she walks into my room or the bloody tissues that sit next to it. So much that when she sees my art, covered in razors and blood, my writing that spills out emotion. emotions that come from inside my head. she just cares so much for me. It’s crazy. 

[stupidandanxiousproblems]

my mind screams for tears but instead my heart laughs, my soul begs for rest yet my phobias of death cries out for life, my mind begs itself to stop thinking.

My mind is complicated. But don’t worry it confuses me more than anyone. 

[stupidandanxiousproblems]

Maybe I’m scared, maybe i am a coward. But i don’t think this life is going to work out. I am a burden, that’s all. Lets see how far i can get before i snap. 

[stupidandanxiousproblems]

I don’t know

Stop asking whats wrong. Why i never leave my room. Why i never talk to a certain person. whats happened. I don’t know! okay? i just... I don’t know. All i know is I can’t stop feeling this way, no matter what i try. Don’t tell me to just try, or try doing something. You telling me this will never fix the way i feel, no matter what i try i always feel empty and tired. I just can’t talk and laugh, i can’t do anything. I’m not being selfish, i just can’t stop feeling this way. I don’t even know what i am feeling anymore, i just want to be alone but when i am alone i feel isolated. i don’t know what i am feeling, i don’t know what i want, and i don’t know what to do. So just stop, and give up. i already have. 

[stupidandanxiousproblems]

Never change

My life will never change. I will always hide from everyone, from social situations, from life. I will always cower away from others, I will never stick up for myself or say what I want to say. I will always filter everything I say, I will never fight back to those I hate. I will never change from the scared little girl that cries every night. This is how my life is going to play out. And I can’t change that.

[stupidandanxiousproblems]

My dear sweet

My dear sweet

Under the surface you don't know what you'll find

You are beautiful, no need to be blind

You’ll smile one day, maybe not today

Just wait. And continue to play

The thoughts, and the games inside your head

Ignore all the things people have said

It’s okay, it will get better my sweet

Maybe not now, but soon you will beat

The whispers in your brain, the screams in your heart

I won’t let you down, I will do my part

I know the light looks far, and the end seems near

The fog blocks your hope, but I will make it so clear

I will hold your hand, and guide you through

Through the gruelling times, I will never leave you

I promise to make you smile, I promise things will change

I know you are scared, and it all seems so strange

But you will get through it, just be brave

Just you stand tall, too young for a grave

I will not give up on you, I know no defeat

Some may end it here, but don’t you dare cheat

I know it won’t end here, I believe in you

Don’t feel down now, don’t you feel blue

As I love you,

My dear sweet.

[stupidandanxiousproblems]

Sorry...

I say sorry a lot. I say sorry for saying something weird. I say sorry for laughing loudly. I say sorry for crying. I say sorry because i don’t want you to judge me. I say sorry because I don’t want you to hurt me. I say sorry because i need you to like me. But the main reason i say sorry is because my ENTIRE life is only ever a burden to those around me, so i say sorry for it. I am sorry i am such a mess, i am sorry I am never there for any of you, I am sorry i depend on you all so much. If it helps i can tell you this, One day i will get tired of saying sorry and instead just say goodbye. 

[stupidandanxiousproblems]

I think some deranged part of me likes thinking I'm the only one with real problems. Like that makes me special.

Edge of seventeen - Nadine 

[stupidandanxiousproblems]

Half of me thinks I can’t change, and the other half doesn’t want to change because this is the only me I know. 

[stupidandanxiousproblems]

Scary thoughts #2

I don’t have any friends. I have my own imaginary life, where i am talented and people look forward to seeing me everyday. We go on road trips, and my perfect guy drools over my every move. I smile nonstop and when i do cry they do whatever they can to make me happy again. I can paint, sing and do everything i wish i could. People are jealous, and I prove everyone wrong. I get bullied but i am able to push them back just as hard. I am a happy, loving, beautiful women who is loved by someone.

But that’s not real. I have no friends, i am not talented, no one wants to see me, i could disappear and no one would notice. I stay home and dream of a life i will never have, no guy drools over my ever move, no guy reminisces  over my laugh. I cry non stop, and when i do smile my mind seems to try and find whatever memory it can to break me. I can’t paint, sing or do anything i wish i could. I am jealous of people, and i prove them right. I get pushed away, and i am able to pull away from everyone just as quick. I am a pathetic, lonely, ugly girl who is loved by no one. 

[stupidandanxiousproblems]

I don’t tell you anything because you would be scared of whats in my head.

[stupidandanxiousproblems]

If there’s any love left in these old bones of mine It’s yours

Eric and Happie - It’s yours

[stupidandanxiousproblems]

Disappointed

Maybe i am just disappointed? i am not sad, or angry at you. Maybe i am just disappointed that this is who i am, what my life is, that this is how it is going to be for a while. Maybe i am disappointed because i know i can’t change it, no matter what i do because i don’t fit it anywhere anymore. 

[stupidandanxiousproblems]

One day I won’t sit back and take your shit anymore.