Since yesterday, I've been thinking about Service Top Jeremy. I'm assuming that, by now, my efforts to fill up the bottom Jean tag are very clear, so it might appear that I'm leaving poor Jeremy in the background, but I promise that is not the case. People have more of a negative reaction to Jean bottoming than they usually have for Jeremy topping—though, of course, there are those who do dislike that as well—so it has seemed more natural for me to want to put more into the bottom Jean space to try and make it more welcoming and friendlier. YET! (service) Top Jeremy deserves as much love and attention, so this one is for him.
Oh, my lovely, lovely Jeremy. Such a complex character, continuously toeing the line between genuine kindness and people-pleasing. For Jeremy's sex life, this dichotomy can lead us to one of two understandings: either Jeremy is not a 'service' anything and he is using sex as another method of people-pleasing, or he is actually a service top who does find the tangible pleasure of his partner a multiplier of his own pleasure, but he has twisted it into a toxic, people-pleasing shape it is not meant to be. I, of course, am of the belief it is the latest. But instead of making this some sort of debate in support of Jeremy as a service top, I'm taking the fact that he is one for granted and going deeper into the evolution of how that works in his relationship with Jean, because there is no way it stays the same. Jeremy is not walking into this as the seasoned expert. He is walking into this just as lost, just in different ways, with different wounds. And THAT is what I really want to get into (and regarding this topic of 'Jeremy's genuine kindness vs. people-pleasing,' I do want to eventually write a separate post that is not limited to sexual dynamics).
While it is a given that Jean will struggle at the beginning of their sexual relationship for reasons that have been discussed and will continue to be discussed —and have to be, don't get me wrong—I think Jeremy will struggle too, in a different way. Jeremy has a lot of sexual experience, but most of it—except for maybe his short relationship with Leo—has been non-reciprocal and transactional. There is pleasure involved: the physical sensations are real, and the satisfaction of being good at it is real. He's enjoying parts of these encounters... Yet, sex with these men is on the people-pleasing side of the spectrum. It is "I will make it good for you because that's what I do and need you to be happy with me." None of these men care about Jeremy, and not in a "Jeremy gets to finish" way but as someone who is invested in Jeremy feeling good from beginning to end, who tracks it, and who wants it. And Jeremy has been fine with that. The wanting to give is real — that part has never been a performance — but instead of it being healthy, he has learned to wrap it around his wounds and lock away everything else.
These encounters are also very routine. Jeremy knows the ways to give pleasure, and he's good at them. He knows which buttons to touch; he can probably do it with his eyes closed, to be honest. Come, get them off; get off; leave. Easy, normal, predictive (and regret-filled).
And then, Jean comes in like a wrecking ball (Miley-Cyrus.gif).
Jeremy is often portrayed like Jean's teacher of all things sex. I don't think this is necessarily a lie, but in the beginning Jeremy would probably default to the patterns—attentive, accommodating, focused on Jean—but Jean is not "just another guy"; he's Jean, and Jeremy's old formula doesn't quite work the same. Just being allowed this, with Jean, is a privilege Jeremy doesn't take for granted. And between navigating their trauma, discussions of consent, Jean's lack of experience, and this being so new for both of them, it is a learning curve.
The first time Jean asks Jeremy what he wants, it hits Jeremy like a foreign concept. He genuinely can’t remember the last time anyone asked him that. So he responds, "To make you feel good, of course," and he probably even smiles when he says it, because that's what Jeremy does. But then Jean follows it with a quiet, devastating, and what else? And everything stops. Jeremy goes quiet. He’s never been given the space to form an answer. The slow realization that he has spent so long perfecting how to give that he forgot to ask himself why. And that those are not the same question at all. The thing is, he does love it. The giving. That part has never been a lie; there is something that lights up in him when he knows he's getting it right, when he can feel his partner unraveling because of him. But somewhere along the way he decided that was enough. That wanting anything beyond that — to be seen, to be asked, to matter to someone from beginning to end — was asking for too much. So he kept the part he felt he'd earned and quietly let go of the rest. They don't have sex that day.
Or imagine something happens: a trigger, something that they try that Jean doesn't quite enjoy, Jeremy saying the wrong thing... Whatever it was, Jean doesn't come. Jeremy's reflex would spike, the anxiety would show, and it would be something else for them to work on. No, Jean didn't get an orgasm, but also, no, it is not Jeremy's fault, and it is fine. Except Jeremy has to actually believe that. Not smile and say of course while the partner-pleasure meter in his head keeps running and he feels like he's going into debt. But to actually sit with the fact that his value in this room is not contingent on the outcome. That is its own mountain to climb. And he does, in time.
Because as Jean learns more about himself and his body and Jeremy gets used to having someone who sees and cares about him as a person whose experience matters, who gets full attention and care, I see them moving into something like a Jean power bottom era. Jean now knows what he likes and how he likes it, and he's open to asking for it. So he does. And Jeremy follows. And this is such a great experience because it doesn't only mean that Jean is empowered but also that Jeremy gets instructions on how to maximize his partner's pleasure. He can let go of control because that's Jeremy being freed from labor he was never supposed to be carrying alone, by himself. He still gives, but now that giving is also a consideration of his own needs. This is another type of vulnerability, while, at the same time, getting that bone-deep satisfaction of being good to his partner. Healthy, genuine giving.
Then, Jeremy might want to take the lead again. Now he knows Jean almost as much as Jean knows himself—he knows the specific rhythm Jean responds to, the particular way his breathing changes, what makes him tense up, and what makes him let go completely. They have been making a map of Jean together all this time, and now he wants to use it. But it's not just Jean's map anymore. Jeremy has been working on one of his own—learning the pathways of what he actually wants and what actually feels like his—and now he can see where the two meet, where they overlap, where they light each other up. He knows Jean. He finally knows himself. Now he feels confident that he can take some control and figure out new ways, inside their boundaries, to truly make Jean melt. "I love you, I know you, I know what you like, and I want to give it to you because I know it will make you feel as good as it will make me feel." And Jean, who has spent so long learning to trust his own body, now gets to discover what it feels like to trust Jeremy with it completely, to actually let go, because it's Jeremy, because he's safe.
Then, finally, sweet, sweet balance. Sometimes Jean leads, sometimes Jeremy does. And Jeremy gives because he wants to, because Jean is right there wanting it back, and because this is what it was always supposed to feel like. All the parts Jeremy had quietly decided he wasn't allowed to want. Turns out he was wrong about that. Turns out Jean had very strong opinions about it, too: about Jeremy being seen, about Jeremy getting to have things, about Jeremy mattering from beginning to end. Neither of them came into this knowing how to do it right. Jean had to learn his own body, his own voice, his own right to want things. Jeremy had to learn that giving was allowed to feel like something real instead of something owed. They might have taken a while, but they found their own way together. And that is the beauty of it all.
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