I never had an issue with it in high school. Maybe social anxiety, but that’s about it.
But a few months ago I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship. And that gave me horrible anxiety, especially since I have started dating again. I’m constantly anxious about what my new boyfriend is thinking/doing if I’m good enough, etc.
My brain literally works like this:
“Oh he isn’t talking to you because he doesn’t really care about you”
“He’s probably messaging other girls behind your back and that’s why he hasnt texted back”
“He’s not that interested in you”
“He just keeps you around for sex”
“You’re being too clingy”
“You’re going to bore him”
“He has bipolar disorder, you know there will be days he doesn’t really want to talk. Don’t take it personally”
“He literally told you that your fears and worry wouldn’t ever be affirmed so calm the fuck down and trust him”
“He’s obviously interested in you if he wanted you to be his girlfriend”
“Again, he told you the reasons he likes you and none of them were just about sex”
“You’re literally not being clingy,calm down”
“You’re good enough and if he can’t see that then his loss”
“He said he’s not bored of you, literally laughed. So again, stop worrying woman!”
And it’s a forever ongoing argument between both sides of my brain.
And there’s no off button. And I don’t talk about it with him because I’m afraid of being a burden. Again, that’s because of the anxiety.
So here I am, my brain bickering back and forth with no release, giving myself a horrible stomach ache.
I really wish I hadn’t quit smoking because god dammit I could use a cigarette right now.
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