hi! something has been really bothering me lately. i thought venting to a friend would help but iām still angry & i donāt know how to cope with this or who else to go to about this that would understand. this will be really long. sorry.
since the pandemic iāve been seeing so many posts on social media where people are saying things like āif all you did today was get out of bed, thatās enoughā & āitās okay if your best looks different, youāre doing great & iām proud of you,ā shit like that. iām not saying thereās anything wrong with that. for a lot of people these are unprecedented times (myself included, for certain reasons), & they deserve all that love & support. but a lot of what the world is going through rn, i went through that when i was younger & i went through it completely alone. a part of me is so happy that people have others who will listen to them & be there for them. everybody deserves to have that & they have the right to feel however they feel whenever they feel it. but the survivor part of me is furious. not only did i never have that support, but i was constantly dismissed. people never noticed something was wrong, & if they did they either used my anger issues & lashing out at others as a reason why i wasnāt worth listening to or being cared for, they chalked it up to me āhaving issuesā & being the weird kid, or they simply didnāt know what to do (not blaming these people). i cried a lot when i was little, & all i got was āoh here we go againā & that i was too sensitive or overdramatic & oh itās Kris of course sheās crying again. & now that itās happening to everyone else, NOW they think to themselves āhmm, maybe we should start being kinder & more compassionate & start listening to each other.ā ohh you think?! why did it take this fucking long?! you get all this support & love & the comfort of knowing that youāre not alone & that youāll always have someone. what about younger me who had no one on her side, & if she did they all left eventually bc they found someone better? what about any other kids my age who were going through the same thing or something similar? we were always worthy of that & you all fucking know it. i feel so cheated. & another part of me also feels like i have to be this warrior or whatever & be an example bc iāve gone through it but iām so tired of being strong all the time & being told how strong i am bc itās not fucking true. i mean okay yes i am strong bc iāve survived everything but iām not any stronger than the rest of you. iām human, not superwoman. can i be strong & tired sometimes too maybe?? idk itās just... itās so triggering & i see it everywhere & iām tired. i thought i would be able to connect with more people bc i felt like they finally understand what i was going through, but i feel more alone than i have in a long time.
hi kris, i'm really sorry i didn't see this ask sooner, i barely do anything online these days besides mindlessly scrolling and dissociating haha
i totally get what you mean though. it's already a very triggering situation for us, and to suddenly see people get support for things that we never got support for can be really bad. i often feel extremely angry when i read about the toll the pandemic has on people's mental health because these conversations never centre the already severely mentally ill, it's about how those who are usually rather healthy and stable are affected. it feels triggering because it's a reminder of our own disenfranchisement. i think many of us have experienced that everyone else seemed to be more important than us and that our problems weren't taken seriously, so this is a repetition of those traumatizing formative experiences. for me personally, i mainly feel a kind of jealousy and sensation of being overlooked, which causes anger.
i also relate to what you said about feeling more alone than before. i think hoping for community and then being disappointed by that stings more than just not relating to others in the first place, as it reaffirms our negative past experiences. plus how can i feel community with someone when i'm jealous of the care they get that i have been denied? or when i show understanding for them that they don't show for me? it absolutely is triggering and your emotional response makes complete sense imo.
my policy to deal with that is to try and not expose myself to what triggers me. i use block and mute functions liberally. i step away from group chats and social media. this seems like it would increase my feelings of isolation, but honestly, feeling like nobody understands me and constantly being angry at others is also pretty isolating, so at least this way i get to preserve energy.
it's definitely a very purposeful thing where you need to remind yourself to step away every time you get angry. i'm trying to be better at that anyway, less hate-reading, less getting into fights. what i try to tell myself is that my energy is wasted on these things, the anger isn't productive and it's not doing anything positive for me, i deserve better than that. and then i, like, block and delete and whatever is necessary to feel like i've done something to cut that stuff out of my life, and i try to listen to what i need in that moment to feel better - rest, distraction, venting to someone i trust, doing something that i enjoy - and do that. i try to acknowledge my reaction and give it the room it deserves, but not get so hung up on it and move on. idk, it's a process.
i hope this helped you somewhat and that you're feeling better than when you wrote your message.