Comparing spicy food to domestic violence...bad take lol. Why is a man beating you so he can orgasm better than beating you in general? It's worse. If a man slits your wrists because you asked, is that OK? You people are mentally ill.
A radfem in my inbox? Who didn’t bother to read my blog before messaging me? On anon, no less? What a surprise. Alright, let’s dance: I’ll point out your small mistakes before we move on to the big one 🖤
1. I’m a dominant. Nobody is beating me, unless, of course, I order them to.
2. I’m a lesbian. No man is coming near me, let alone COMING near me. Gross.
Alright, now that that’s out of the way: your concept of what BDSM is appears to be sadly informed only by Fifty Shades (Powerful Man Hits Helpless Woman!!!) which is… not reflective of the realities of this lifestyle. “Negotiation,” or talking to a potential partner about what you both want, is a bedrock of these relationships. You can find plenty example of yes-no-maybe checklists on the internet or in books—it’s quite common for partners to fill out a checklist of this type and compare them. Anything that anyone has marked “no” on is off the table-
“But wait!” you say, as I mention consent, “Men don’t care about consent! Men watch violent porn and reenact it on women! Men prey on women who are seeking BDSM relationships in order to abuse them!”
Well. Yeah. You’re right. This is not because of some innate evil in BDSM. This is because our patriarchal culture is built on male entitlement. Like… come on. I will point you to one of your own philosophies, the rules of misogyny, and I will speak to you in your own language:
I, a dyke, who is fascinated by the intersection of pleasure and pain and have been incorporating it into my sex life since it began, have nothing to do with men abusing women in any context. Period. What I do with other lesbians does not perpetuate male violence. Males perpetuate male violence. I KNOW you know this. Do not waltz into my inbox pretending ignorance. I will not pretend ignorance either: BDSM is risky on its own, and that risk increases exponentially for women who seek male partners in the scene. I love those women and do what I can to protect them. I will not, however, change my approach to sex or my general hedonistic philosophies just because men use BDSM to hurt women. If I never engaged with anything a man has used to hurt a woman, I would spend my life doing a whole lot of nothing.
Alright, that’s quite enough of that. Back to negotiation and consent: As a dominant, I’ve found that much more of my time is spent being told a submissive’s dangerous fantasies, and figuring out how to take them as close as I can get them to their desires without actually hurting them. Choking (or, more accurately, strangulation) is a great example of this. Many submissives actively desire that helpless feeling, that light-headed euphoria. I, however, do not want to kill any of my beloved’s precious braincells. So we negotiate, experiment, and find ways to achieve what they want without doing anything that I mark as too dangerous. But that’s just one example: any potential act is discussed in detail before a scene begins. Either partner gets to say no to anything during these discussions, and during sex as well, just like in vanilla sex.
My spicy food metaphor was silly, but it has a grain of truth to it—things that hurt can feel good, too. Contact sports, roller coasters, skydiving or BASE jumping, bouldering or ice climbing, even running marathons, are all things that are scary, painful, dangerous, or carry risk. Humans do them anyway. We love doing them. I love doing them. And you are not going to change my mind by strawmanning in my inbox. See you around.
prguitarman
kaledo-art
titsay
janainaart
blakekathryn
annaxmalina
turnnoffyourmind
tangentwithtanner
