Welcome to the Cloud

| Traumagenic System | Bodily Adult |

[systemofclouds]

Masterpost

Hi, we're a traumagenic system here to eat (nom) content and follow our friends :)

Basic DNI applies

(Racists, trans/homophobes, pedophiles, ableists) + endogenic systems

Frequent Fronters (Or who may make posts):

Robin 🐦 Host

Mochi 🐈‍⬛ Co-Host

Warner 📗

Albedo 🧪

Dimitri ❄️

Basil 🌻

Kai Azer 🫐

Nahida 🌱

Muichiro 💨

Sofia 💍

Content to Expect:

- Random updates (#cloudy updates)

- Source rambles?

- Reblogs perchance

- Vents if we're feeling fancy (#cloudy vent)

[systemofclouds]

I hope what both of them did to us haunts them for the rest of their fucking life. Sure. Gang up on us, and when we show visible stress, they call us the rude and manipulative one. We cry, they felt guilty for yelling at us, so suddenly we're manipulating them? Horker shit. What I wouldn't give to have my own life back. My weapons, my body, my abilities. I would have enjoyed tracking them down, to then do whatever I please with them, not bothering to clean the blood off the floor after Typically I'm pretty strict with the payments for jobs - but this one I'll do for free any time Fuck you both and your asinine and delusional self-ideals

[systemofclouds]

Trying to organize and get userboxes for people

Mochi:

[systemofclouds]

PASSED OUR OCHEM MIDTERM 18% ABOVE THE CLASS AVERAGE

My brain is so big /silly

Screw 🌹 though. Fym "if you wrote this report you should know how to do this"

If as in insinuating we didn't write this report? The report you gave us 1 day to get all of our data? With no help or support cause of the holiday weekend? 😭

But regardless of that. REJOICE. I will be getting us tacos. At some point. >:D

[systemofclouds]

Would it be pathetic to say I need a hug. A real, physical one. The ones in headspace aren't the same.

[systemofclouds]

It's been a year... How time goes by. How many friends I've gained, how many friends I've lost. It pains me. But what matters most is he is still here with me, like he always has been.

(Future Dimitri speaking: Unintentional vent-like content below. My thoughts simply travelled their own path)

I will admit: I'm bitter, hurt, angry even. People I thought were our friends, my friends, have shown too much evidence of being otherwise. The more time we spend discussing it with professionals and trusted few, the more we can see that whole mess from a less emotionally-charged perspective, the more we can see the true origins.

"No one will ever trust you if you can't have a serious conversation without breaking down" they said in response after directly triggering our trauma. We've had serious, meaningful, heavy conversations with them in our over a year of friendship and suddenly when they directly trigger us and we have a triggered reaction, we're untrustworthy to hold a legitimate conversation.

Interesting how months to years of love, effort, and trust from us is suddenly thrown out the window when we have a trauma response and start crying, then it's our "true colours" and we're apparently untrustworthy and guilt tripping them.

They felt bad for making us cry and suddenly we're manipulating them because if they feel guilty we must be manipulating them. We already have trauma and shame around crying itself, and they've just stacked onto it.

Not only that, they gaslit us. "Not to be harsh, but you just did what I explicitly told you not to do" when they never even gave us any instructions. Now on top of all that we were questioning our perception of reality.

That experience left permanent scars on our system. Mona now holds our fear specifically to that individual. She's terrified of him.

Are we so desperate to make friends that we let ourselves accept this treatment from people? I will do my best to ensure this doesn't happen again.

[systemofclouds]

Our health is deteriorating, and no one knows why.

First the extreme pain on the 9th, then the on and off nonstop migraines starting on the 19th, headaches, skin aches and pain, nausea, dizziness, fatigue, and previous issues I won't mention here have gotten noticeably worse. We don't know what's going on, but we will see our doctor in two weeks.

[systemofclouds]

He's gone...

It feels like back then. It feels like Niwa. It feels like that child. It feels like pouring my complete love and trust into someone who's become dear to be only for them to be ripped away

Here I am again. With a gaping hole left by the absence of someone I called friend

Hurt. Ashamed. Abandoned. Guilt. Regret. Devastated. Agony. Hate, towards myself. Grief. Fear. Mourning. Heartbroken [how ironic], It's white and hot, burning through my skull.

Please come back

I'm sorry

You were near everything to me

[systemofclouds]

Last night we saw it, and it brought 🐈‍⬛ and ❄️ back (they had been unable to be found for the past 4 days), but for a terrible reason

🐈‍⬛ hasn't stopped crying since last night. ❄️'s been there with him the whole time. His grief is reverberating throughout the entire headspace and into me in front.

I've been nauseous all day because of the emotional bleed-over and sdfhjdkgl it sUcks. Only slept in 2 hour increments, waking up for good at 5AM

It hurts really bad, seeing him like this. Nothing's been going right for him lately. He's really going through it

That was like. The worst news we ever could have gotten, especially in these times 😭 We're already going through so much

Can we like. Get a break. Please 🙏

[systemofclouds]

I don't know if you'll see this, but if you are reading this.. Happy birthday

[systemofclouds]

Tried Concerta for the first time today and we could actually think clearly? We maintained focus and stayed attentive for 3 whole classes start to finish. We finished our French presentation today when before our limit was writing two sentences then getting too mentally exhausted and off track to continue working. Our tics were barely present as well.

Dr asked if we had been previously treated for ADHD last appt, which we obviously said no because we haven't. But lately we're seeing more and more evidence supporting the presence of ADHD. It runs rampant in our family so it would be no surprise. Will talk to Dr about it next tic check-in appt

[kyudred]

[systemofclouds]

:) another friend to cherish

[systemofclouds]

This aged poorly. I miss him. We miss him. We miss them

[systemofclouds]

Vent

Why do we have to ruin nearly every relationship we love

I hate being autistic. I hate having C-PSTD. I hate not being able to navigate social rules. I hate how our fear of abandonment is debilitating our lives and causes the exact thing we're most scared of. I hate how we don't know we're hurting people until it's too late. I hate how we don't act rationally when we perceive any sort of abandonment or neglect. It's all our fault.

Why do we have to ruin everything. We loved them. Still do. Now we can do nothing but love them from a distance and hate ourselves in a chokehold because we, I, was stupid and a coward.

Now because of me Basil has lost his light; haven't seen him smile in weeks. Because of me I took away so many of our headmates' only friends.

Why do we have to be so broken

[arrgh-whatever]

[ikimaru]

found the wip of this from 2023 and decided to finish it!

[systemofclouds]

:) Wrenti

[systemofclouds]

When he wipes away your tears with his thumb and kisses the spot where the tear was :,)

[systemofclouds]

I cherish my friends, but there are times where I feel invisible

Either I'm participating in a conversation and no one is replying to any of my messages. I know they're not purposely ignoring me. Right?

Or I open up with something I'm struggling with and no one responds. I hope for support but don't say it. It's my fault really.

I've gotten support. I've gotten explicit statements that I am loved by my friends. I just keep getting whispers in my ear: That they don't really care. I'm just a nuisance. They will grow sick of me and leave me. They'll just cut me off without any communication, just like the Rabbits did.

"We don't want you in our space" and then block us when we try to provide context. I didn't even consider anyone in that system a friend, but that doesn't mean it still hurt. That it wasn't extremely triggering.

I hate that I consistently need explicit reminders that people love me.

I want to cry, but I can't. I physically can't. My/our body won't let me.