#actually panic disorder

[bipolarmango]

My mental illness is not a show where I'll present symptoms on a command for your entertainment or to prove that I have it. Hear me out, there's even this thing called a remission.

[emberuzumaki]

Still alive. just vanished for a bit.

mental illness has been gnawing at me,

autoimmune shit flaring like hellfire.

existing feels like a full-time job with no breaks and no pay.

i’m tired. not in a poetic way. in a please let me rest without consequence kind of way.

but i’m still here. barely. quietly.

just thought that deserved to be said

[bipolarmango]

Anxiety is great. Talking to 5,000 people at an event? Sure mate, no worries. Going to get your mail? Absolutely not, the mere thought is killing me.

[bipolarmango]

How come some people walk around with zero mental health issues and being neurotypical and like 1000% cis and straight and just normal in so many ways while here I am a trenchcoat filled with mental health issues and neurodiversity and sexual identity crisis desperately pretending to be a humanbeing?

[bipolarmango]

Comorbities are fun

OCPD: We must have everything under control, the house must be neat, all the cupboards and closets must be in order, life must be in excel files, money must flow in the bank account

Depression: I can't get out of bed, I literally can't clean, I can't work or make money, I can't update our excel files, I don't know how much money we have on our bank account

Panic disorder: Guess it's my time to shine

OCPD: We don't spend money, we don't do impulsive stuff, we plan, and we have everything under control

Mania: Guess what I'd like to spend all our money and never plan anything also here's our new horse I just got

Panic disorder: Yup it's me again guys

OCPD: Every detail must be perfect, all the things must be well thought of, everything is planned and we'll though and we'll succeed ---

AD/HD: Also I just came up with ten new ideas we could add to this thing because we must think outside the box and see the big picture also moving on to the next thing

Panic disorder: It's me again

AD/HD: Ahhh this new TV show is so good we'll spend the next five years obsessing over this

Mania: Lol you sure it's not just me again?

Panic disorder: Guys I'm not doing good we must contact a doctor

OCPD: Must get all these important things in excel files and analyze this data and wrap up all these things so I can then go and see that the other people haven't fucked things up like they always do

AD/HD: Hehe can't focus, people are speaking here and there's internet and social media and also do you think they give tigers tick meds at zoo?

[bipolarmango]

Me in morning: I'm so tired I just wanna sleep

My brain: yes such a great idea let's sleep

Me during the day: I'm so tired I just wanna sleep

My brain: yes such a great idea let's sleep

Me at night: I'm so tired I just wanna sleep

My brain: not now, now we have anxiety

[bipolarmango]

Anxiety is great. Should I be on the verge of a panic attack and feel like I'm being hunted for a sport because I need to go get my mail? Why, yes, yes I should. Sounds absolutely reasonable.

[bipolarmango]

I've been feeling like a fraud because I've got a panic disorder diagnosis but I haven't had a full-blown panic attack since 2022 when I often got stuck in supermarkets and had to stop the car on the side of a road. I'm still regularly having attacks where my chest hurts and my arms and legs start to go numb (my biggest telltale signs), accompanied, of course, by anxiety, but im not feeling like immediately dying. People don't have to come and collect me from places when I'm stuck and can't move. These attacka usually get tolerable when I max out (or even take too much of) my medications (Atarax and Lorazepam). Some days I go in haze as I immediately take more meds when I feel the effect dissipating and the telltale signs coming back.

Today I learnt that the reason why my doctor has kept me on the antidepressant I am on, even if it doesn't really help much with my depression, is that it's a rather strong anxiety medication and he has hoped it would allow me not to rely on Atarax and Lorazepam. All this time I've been taking a big daily dose of medication for my panic attacks WHILE taking two additional meds for them AND still having attacks YET still feeling like I'm a fraud because I haven't gotten stuck in the supermarket for a while.