Ugh did I unintentionally harass them? Did I never realize I was coming off too strong and they were too afraid to say no/enforce boundaries? Why did I not realize until now (much later) that they never intended to be that close to me. To think I potentially came off as one of those creepy guys who doesn’t understand boundaries/no makes me grind my teeth
I still resent what they did to me but I can’t believe I crossed the line that much. I really thought what I was doing was completely normal? I purposely tuned out when hearing their address because I didn’t want to make them uncomfortable. When I asked for a kiss, they were going to give me one, but when they leaned in I backed away anyways—out of reflex/instinct. I can’t help but wonder if they felt pressured or uncomfortable? They never said anything—that was the issue with them though. They’d never tell me anything at all. It was like pulling teeth just to get them to admit stuff to me or tell the truth
I still have fond memories of them mixed in with the wretched stuff. I feel so conflicted. Most of my FPs have been online, so it was easy to get away from them—only thing I had to deal with was stuff that reminded me of them. But having an IRL FP is whole other problem. It’s not as simple as avoiding them if I have to be near them so often. I keep splitting on them somehow despite not being in contact for over half a year now. I’ve forgotten so much of what even happened, but I go back and forth regardless. Sometimes I crave wanting to be their friend again because I reminisce about the good times. Other times I want to completely block them out because I resent them for how they betrayed/crossed me.
Even if they weren’t perfect, I try to rationalise some of what they did. Or at least hope they’ve gotten better and grown as a person (although there’s no guarantee). I just want to be on neutral terms at least. I don’t want bad blood, especially if we’re at the same university. Even if we’re not on “good” terms, I’d be fine with just being neutral; I don’t bother you and you don’t bother me.
Even if I want to be in contact with them again, who’s to say they want to be in contact with me? I haven’t the slightest idea how they even feel or felt about the situation. Do they never want to see my face again or do they also miss me? I have no fucking idea, but I don’t want to gamble on it. My plan was just to be respectful and nice to them when we have to be around each other and work together, but that’s not foolproof. I know we both clashed because we were both (and still are) extremely mentally ill, but we had potential for a decent friendship. It almost makes me regret opening up to them. If I had never been honest with them that quickly, the FP attachment may have been less intense (or not have happened). And then we could’ve just been acquaintances. We never would’ve fought or split on each other; life would have been fine. But that’s all hindsight, and there’s no saying something wouldn’t have come up later. Their friend group was large and full of drama and I let myself get dragged in because I wanted to help. I felt I was special and important to them so I gained some sort of entitlement to their affection, so of course when they asked out their FP I was absolutely enraged (NPD envy for ya). I still feel scorned by the fact that I was pushed aside for their FP. I knew them the best and they even told me things they never told anyone else, so I felt “logically” I should be the most important. I couldn’t wrap my head around how their FP was “better than me”.
But that’s just a part of it. We were (and still are) both unhealed people. A close relationship was probably never going to work out no matter what I did. I don’t think it would’ve been fair to just stay quiet or endure any mistreatment “to keep the peace”.
I keep holding onto the good memories in hopes they may come back, but that’s very unlikely. Most I can do is fantasise about if we were still friends or if we were to have a mature discussion on what happened.
I remember when we first met and I gave them this fan. The dorms overheat so horribly, so I gave them a fan I hardly used. They seemed so thankful. But what irked me is whenever we’d argue or seemed to not be able to be friends, they’d offer to give it back to me. I don’t know. I don’t see why I’d take away a gift just because I’m upset/no longer friends (that’s probably a lot of repressed trauma on their end, who knows). I remember when we met they had just broken up with their ex as well. I helped them figure out their BPD, and they helped us figure out that we were Otherkin & therian. They were one of the first people IRL to know (and respect that) we are a system (and that still stands to this day. No one else IRL knows we’re a system and cluster B).
You know, I still kept the stuff they gave me. I don’t have the heart to get rid of it. There’s good memories attached to them, I don’t know. Which is interesting, since the things that remind me of the FP that came after them—I loathe them. That is an incredibly long story, but I know it’s because I was taken advantage of by them (to some degree). The things my most recent FP gave me, I got rid of or I keep hidden. Slightly similar for the FP I’m talking about now, but..
I still have that stupid stuffed animal they gave me. There’s a story behind it actually. They needed to get their flu vaccine in town, so I walked with them since I had nothing better to do. Maybe it was a simple errand to them, but I was happy to just spend time with them; we already both had busy schedules, so I didn’t get to see them too much. They’re afraid of needles. I think that’s part of why I offered to go with them. We walked into the pharmacy and they got their vaccine; I noticed they were tense/stressed, so I purposely distracted them by asking questions (and yapping as I do best). It sort of helped. I recall tuning out when they had to give their address and other info to the nurse. I don’t know if they know I did, but I felt it was right to forget the details. Again, they were a FP, so I was latching onto any information I could about them (I did not know that was obsessive and unhealthy at the time, I just thought I had a “crush”. I didn’t start looking at IRL Yandere stuff until a bit after cutting them off. I met my next FP in IRL yan spaces unfortunately). After their shot, we walked around the pharmacy. There were these cute beanie-baby-like stuffies on a shelf. They were fairly cheap and they offered to buy me one for coming along (from what I can remember). I saw this cute looking owl that reminded me of a plague doctor—I felt I had to get him. I still have that little guy sitting on a shelf above my bed.
The other plushie they gave me was a beanie baby of a black dragon (they knew I was dragonkin). I remember them saying they didn’t care for it anymore and it was just sitting in a box for years. I tried to decline at first because I felt embarrassed admitting I would love a dragon plushie 💔 but they gave it to me anyways. That same plushie sits next to the owl one now.
I remember getting us friendship necklaces. I’d never done that before and neither had they. It was a cheap Yin and Yang necklace, but I explained the significance of the symbol to them. They seemed to really like it—albeit, the chain broke fairly quickly, so I never saw them wear it. I remember when I cut them off after a really bad split that I broke the necklace and left it somewhere. I broke it so it could not be used on another chain. It’s a bit blurry, but what made me split so bad was seeing them cuddle (and perhaps kiss? I looked away) their crush/FP. Soon after telling me they weren’t ready for a relationship. The fact that they hid things from me set me off so bad that I blocked them everywhere and refused to go anywhere they’d be. My anxiety and depression was through the roof then, but I was lucky enough to have people/acquaintances to sit with. It’s a long story (for both FPs), but I don’t feel like getting into those details.
Backtracking to another memory I’m fond of. I absolutely hate American football and I don’t care for the sport—never did (I think I even told them I despised it at one point). But that FP? They loved it. They even wanted to be a player in the game (but they aren’t AMAB, so they never got the chance to truly try it out). I remember I had to be on campus for the weekend because I had something required (volunteer hours). It only took a few hours and apparently the game was going on right then. I was going to just go home, but I thought fuck it, if I’m on campus I may as well make it worth my time. I’d never been to a game before so I didn’t know what to expect. I got a free ticket (due to being a student) and clumsily managed to find where they were sitting. It was a bit interesting to watch actually (even though I had no idea what was going on). But they were so happy to be there and cheering, that I started to hate the sport a little less. They explained (the best they could) how the game worked and how points were earned. We watched as the cheerleaders and mascot did stunts in front of the bleachers. I remember them telling me that they would love to be the mascot(wear the suit). I can’t remember much after that other than them saying they liked Chik-Fil-A?
Another fragmented memory is taking this purple unicorn thing from a little gift bag and adding it to mine—I planned to give that to my FP at the time (which I did). Purple was one of their favorite colors I think? But the main reason why was because the unicorn marshmallows in Lucky Charms cereal was their favorite. (I think I even saved them a bunch at one point because they loved the unicorn sm). I gave it to them in front of the axolotl tanks.
One of the last things I can remember doing is writing them anonymous note. I can’t remember what it was for, but it was a thing by the university where you could do a thankfulness note dedicated to a professor or a student, etc. I remember their name from the sign on their dorm, so I was able to write them a note. I made it in a way that they couldn’t tell it was me (in case that would spike their paranoia, etc.). They had such a large friend group and many falling-outs with others that it honestly could’ve been anyone (that wrote the note). None of it was malicious (surprisingly). I can’t remember what prompted me to even do that. I think a headmate had encouraged me to do something nice iirc.
There’s more I remember when it comes to that FP, but a lot of it is irrelevant. And as for the FP that came after them? I certainly resent them a lot more (and can’t stand thinking about them). Mainly because what they did is harder to rationalize (they straight up backtracked on morals they said they never would because of a new FP they left me for 💀 very long story, I don’t think I’ll even bother to explain. In short, what they did bordered on grooming; they were way older than us yet we were expected to be the most mature in the relationship, etc. By way older, I mean over 10 years older than us).
