#alter: lin

[system-of-a-feather]

owo im getting invited to teach all my works leaders about effective and trauma informed behavioral modification techniques to support how they train and coach new hires owo

[cheshire-qilin]

(CW: CSA and grooming topics mentioned; should be content warned and all)

(also this is a personal side blog to @/system-of-a-feather)

Why is starting a post always the hardest thing to do?

Anyhow, I was talking to @reimeichan and I thought it would be nice to revisit the topic again and might be neat to share it with those that might want some perspective that I don't see brought up much, but the longer that I am out of the 6 year trauma loop that I was stuck in, the longer I realize that my experience was a very unique dissociative experience that even among "trauma holders" is not really the most common standard, but I also know it isn't abnormal either for people with DID.

When I say "6 year trauma loop" I mean that for six years straight following The Trauma I was stuck in, anytime I was near the front it was almost always 24/7 all consuming flashbacks and when it wasn't it was emotional flashbacks and trauma rumination that overloaded my ability to process things. As a result, the only real moments I had any peace back then was when I was as far from the front, as dormant as I could be as any moment where I had any sense of consciousness or sentience was immediately filled with nothing but pain, fear, and hurt.

I think in that sense, it was an understatement to call myself a "trauma holder" more so that my life as a part was just trauma. In regards to that, you couldn't really talk to me about anything, or talk me out of it, or really even properly comfort me because even if I could "hear" internally, even if I could "hear" externally, very little of what could or would be said really would not be processed beyond a superficial level - not because I didn't want to listen, but because I functionably could not process anything at the point of overload that the chronic state of flashback put me in.

I say that because I think it might be important for those that can't really communicate or get a productive conversation out of a trauma holding part that is in a similar position to the place I was. It's not a personal support issue on your end, nor is it a personal refusal on their end. They're not there to be receptive to much. Please be gentle on both yourself and them regarding how communication might be.

Additionally, trying to deal with anything more than surviving and not-being-in-pain can be very stressful and overloading for a part in that position. We had tried brainspotting with our therapist and Riku (I think) at the time ended up connecting with me when I was otherwise dormant and I admittedly got really pissed and aggressive and mentally slammed a door in their face for so much as contacting me because it deeply upset and hurt me to be conscious even slightly. It was important and I think - even with how short that interaction was - it was a really important step to helping me out, but do walk carefully when interacting with parts that are in a similar state. Anger and aggression are often a response to hurt, pain, and an act of self defense and/or a response to overload. It's important to understand that even the most gentle and scared and "fawn" response parts in these situations can be momentarily internally hostile and/or perceive you as the threat.

With all that considered, in my experience and opinion, more than anything, it is absolutely important to respect and honor a part's desire to avoid being near the front, interacting and talking. If they want to be dormant, it is best to let them stay dormant (not to force them, but also to not intentionally try to engage them). It might not seem that painful or hard or it might seem as a "greater good" to bring them out and make them talk, but it's retraumatizing. They will likely end up out on and off whether they like it or not regardless of your actions by the nature of trauma and triggers being hard to control. Take their natural fronting frequency and meet them there. Help them when they are already here and I would really ask people to be considerate of parts that simply don't want to exist due to being in a similar position.

Your "greater good" and the systems sense of "needing to process it to heal" is not considerate to parts that are not ready or not comfortable dealing with life. Your desire to "heal properly" does not give you the right to treat trauma holders like obstacles to overcome and tasks on a list to recover. If anything, if I had to say which parts needed to be treated the most human, it would be those parts as they likely got the most inhumane treatment already. Take yourself out of the picture if you intend to help these parts, it will likely get in the way of actually being there for them and trust me, we can tell when you are talking about "helping us" for yourself and "helping us" because you actually care and are concerned about us. It is very off putting and very uncomfortable.

That being said, those are key points from my experience as a part that was in that hell that I wanted to iron out as they were things hosts, protectors, and non-loop-stuck trauma holders took a while to learn.

What @/reimeichan had asked that made me want to revisit this topic was about how I got out of it, which I answered like... half a year back or so here. I actually have not read my original reply to preserve the current and present look back on it as that response was written by Rin/Lin 1.0 and I am Lin 2.0 aka Qilin so while I am still that part, they were not me.

As for getting out of it, I don't think there is advice I could give a part in the same situation. I don't think there is any point to me giving any advice to a part in the same situation, they likely don't have much bandwidth to change what they are doing themselves. At least, I know I sure didn't. So I am not gonna write anything for "the part in the loop", I don't have anything to say other than that I'm sorry you are suffering, you deserved better, you deserve better and do what you need to survive. There is an end to it.

My main advice goes out to those that are wanting to help a part in that situation, which is advice that I got from talking about the situation with Riku - who I largely credit for helping me out in the beginning.

If the part is as chronically overwhelmed and stuck as I was, it can be extremely helpful to have a part simply exist around them with no direct pressure or interest in the topic of the trauma or the flashbacks they are obviously experiencing and to just be there as a stabilizing force near them. It can be awkward, it can be a bit of a rough interaction, you might be seen as somewhat annoying, you might honestly get a lot of bleed through from the part and that will suck, but sitting there with them can help a lot with slowly regaining some more sense of awareness internally.

It can be particularly more helpful if you can give them something even a bit distracting or interesting in the present to ground them to away from the hell loop in their mind. For me, Riku found some good old classic Vocaloid music covers and would sit there and find something that would help sooth me and after a few times of this I actually grew a strong comfort to a specific song. It helped a part of my brain in the loop wake up and go "I really need that song" which while small, was a huge step in the sense that I was - even mildly - looking for something to soothe and calm myself despite being swamped in flashbacks.

Finding that one comfort, that one distraction, is a foot in the door that can be a starting point to build a bridge out of there. Once that song actually did good to slowly calming me down, it opened me up to have a SLIGHT interest in seeing if there is anything else like that which made me feel or think of anything other than my trauma. That opened me up to looking at OTHER songs on my own volition. I wanted to seek an internal experience that wasn't trauma or dormancy. It motivated me to exist despite everything to try to get anything slightly positive.

Riku was honestly great at fostering this and honestly, I think they're really stupid OP with this sort of thing because they were unintentionally and just instinctually really good, but its really helpful to enthusiastically engage in their small piece of, well peace and helping them grow that base into something more.

They often sat and would try to remember old songs from my era of existence to try to find again or catch up on and it was fun - even if I still felt like shit - to have those low energy, low effort explorations. That eventually lead to them noticing that I really liked a lot of Wooma MV videos and asked about it, to which I kind of got a little excited and they were like "hey you know, we draw now, I could help you out if you want to learn Wooma's art style"

And that was honestly huge for me. It was an actual hobby, an actual thing to study, an actual thing to THINK about that engaged my brain and my frontal lobe which made me ground a bit so I could engage and enjoy in the hobby. A lot of the time I still needed Riku for emotional support and a sense of stability, but this became a strong foundation of our relationship with one another and they authentically became the first part that actually treated me like a person and a friend in the system through this shared hobby.

As I stabilized a little more and the routine hobby of doing art together became more of a casual thing we learned to do, we talked ab it more about things, often real things where trauma topics came up and we were able to just listen and hear each other out.

(below this part is likely hyper specific to myself and my trauma, I am sharing it for myself and for a case example)

They sat there with me through so many bad episodes, they didn't need to ask, but they knew - one of the things that my brain went to a lot in my flashback and trauma loop was just the sheer betrayal and cruelty the world had on me back then.

(CW: Somewhat raw grooming and csa talk)

I had immense hurt and grief. We were a kid, a traumatized, lonely, isolated kid that was very desperate, very in need of someone who cared about us, who was kind to us, who liked us, that saw us as a person with issues and not only would stay there with us, but actively loved us unconditionally. We were desperately in need of anyone to be nice to us, anyone to be gentle with us, anyone to care for us and love us. We had already been through so much and we really needed someone - anyone, just one person. We thought - I had thought - we had that. I thought we had a person that was like that. I trusted them entirely. I thought I loved them entirely. I thought I found the person I'd have in my life forever. I had the person who would save me, who would protect me, who would be there to build my new life away from trauma and hurt with. Before I had the chance to admit that to them, they admitted it to me. I was over joyed and in less than a week, I had somehow been turned into a sex object and over the next year, I'd be nothing but a sex object. Not only did I loose that person that was nice and kind and caring, not only did I loose a friend and someone I loved, but I had become nothing but a sex toy and object of someone else's desire. All of it ruined in less than a week after what felt like the best day of my life and a change that I waited to change but only got worse.

The world had saw a broken and injured kid begging for help, and fed me to hell hounds that then consumed my corpse for years. My brain never let that go, my brain kept that on repeat. I was a lonely kid. I trusted. I was happy and over joyed. I was stabbed. I was used. I never stopped being lonely. I never stopped being sad. I never stopped being hurt. I was a lonely kid. I trusted. loop loop loop for six years.

(CW cleared)

I was a lonely kid- but during one conversation, I had casually brought up that and Riku had sat there and went, "That's really awful, in a different way I can relate.... but... you know, at the very least, at least we have each other right? You had no one before, no one cared about you, no one loved you, no one gave you attention, no one had genuine interest in you but.... I'm here now and now we have each other."

And that didn't have any huge immediate changes, but it really stuck because it did break that loop a bit, as for the first time, it did make me realize that I wasn't a lonely scared kid desperate for some help. I had at least one person I had a genuine connection with, a person that both existed internally and that I could tell - by the nature of sharing a brain - had no ulterior motive other than genuinely being my friend.

And at that point, I was a lonely kid that did get a friend who was authentically interested in me, authentically cared about me, that was authentically gentle and kind and authentically loved me unconditionally. I had what I had needed that got me into the situation I was abused in. Why would I have to go back over as to why that abuser used me and hurt me? Why did that person matter anymore?

The starting point of the trauma loop had been addressed and answered. The narrative of lonely -> manipulated -> betrayed -> hurt -> lonely was changed to lonely -> got the care they needed -> life???

And to that narrative point, I think its important to sit there and find what is that starting point and fulfilling what that starting point of the loop needed to have it go in a different direction.

But with that being said, I still don't recommend directly trying to figure it out as the part that is not going through it. It can come off as very invasive and that cerebral approach to being there with the part you are trying to help will make you feel distant, cold, and will likely feel like an ulterior motive.

To that point, I cycle back. Just sit with the part, speaking or not. Sit with them and meet them at their interest and rate of being around.

Honestly, there are a number of other parts in this system that were in the same situation at me, and there was a space and periods here and there when we were both stuck in only emotional flashbacks that I had grown to really like, and I honestly miss them sometimes. I very much want to help them out of there which is why I've been actively discussing this topic with Riku and Ray, but these sorts of things take time. I will be overjoyed when they are ready to be helped, but until then, I'll be waiting for them.

Anyways, enough rambling, I've held the front during Riku's personal time for an hour to write this and I ought to give it back to them. Hope this long post was insightful or helpful to anyone reading it.

[system-of-a-feather]

I think a thing that people underplay is just how traumatizing being traumatized is in itself (and honestly being mentally ill in general, particularly dealing with 'severe mental illness') and I think a lot of that lack of discussion / awareness of how traumatizing it is comes from the fact that - in the moment - it doesn't really register as trauma. It registers as bad, but you really don't feel it as "trauma" until you heal enough that you can feel as though it has passed.

As a part that spent years stuck re-experiencing the same trauma over and over again, a trauma-stuck part perse, my core trauma was really hellish, but honestly, with how much I've come from there SINCE then, I don't find myself being brought back to that moment as explicitly anymore.

More than that though these days, I get brought back to when I WAS experiencing that chronic re-experiencing of hell over and over. I think back to falling into deep and disorientating flashbacks. I think back to knowing nothing other than trauma and not being able to see or talk outside of my trauma. I think back to being unable to tolerate stimulus from the world without being thrown into reliving hell. I think back to the sheer terror of my trauma, but I don't really go too far into the trauma itself.

It is easier and much more mild compared to the trauma alone, but even so, it's a horrifying and horrible experience to have.

I'm glad I'm out, but the memory of being in it still lingers with me - and that's okay. It's fair for me to feel this way, anyone in my situation would too. It's okay to be scared of going back, it's okay to get overwhelmed remembering what it was like to be so lost in my own mental illness and trauma. It's okay to have symptoms to the situation I was put into. It's not going to be a forever state and I am safe now. I am stable now. I am managing well. I am okay, even if I'm feeling complex and hard emotions / symptoms from a time when I wasn't.

And even though I am okay, that doesn't mean that the trauma of being severely traumatized is any less of a trauma.

[system-of-a-feather]

owo im getting invited to teach all my works leaders about effective and trauma informed behavioral modification techniques to support how they train and coach new hires owo

[system-of-a-feather]

Parts that find themselves unable to speak for trauma or general neurodiverse reasons, how would you describe it's experience?

[system-of-a-feather]

I'm struggling with words, which I guess is why we leave it to Riku to make the Good Posts, but throwing the "lets make it sound like a good post" and just focusing on saying what I'm thinking

But I think a really common misunderstanding / stuck point that traumatized folk get stuck in is that your present pain is proof of the hurt that happened in the past and its sometimes the only proof and acknowledgement to what horrible shit happened in the past. Sometimes being in pain is the only way to feel like a "real survivor" and the only way to show that what happened really happened and to be taken seriously.

But as you recover, that pain in the present lessens, and some might have the irrational (but valid) idea that as you feel less pain, the reality of the trauma becomes lighter, that it becomes any more "ok", that you go from a "survivor" to a not-traumatized person as PTSD symptoms go in remission - but that's really not the case.

As you recover a lot of the time, you just begin to be rooted less in the past and begin engaging in your life despite what had happened. Your life becomes more about what you are doing now and less about what had happened to you. Life goes on, but just because life goes on doesn't give excuses to what had happened or the abusers, it doesn't disappear the damage done and the context that experience had to your present self, it doesn't make the hurt you felt then disappear. All it is, is moving forward and when moving forward, you are still you.

If you don't want to identify as a survivor as you heal, that is totally fair and amazing, but also, no amount of healing will take away my right to being a survivor. It defined a large part of my life and what made me who I am today.

I'm not so sure and don't have such clarity with my words to put it in a neat bow tie Riku does, but I think what I am trying to say is that it is okay to let yourself feel good and experience life - that feeling good and experience life doesn't negate or disqualify your trauma or undermine the pain you went through.

You can hold the truth of your trauma in your past and your happiness in the present together, at the same time, in the same space, as a singular part / person.

[system-of-a-feather]

[this post welcomes and encourages people who might have a similar experience or two cents to add to feel free to add their bit here!]

It's really kind of funny how our system operates because Aya and I are the only parts that - even when a fused whole - still tend to present distinctly as themselves randomly at times.

I find it interesting the parts that tend to present as themselves regardless of if we are a fused whole atm tend tk be the most Autistic parts and I wonder if there is a connection there.

I I think it probably has something to do with unmasking or something similar maybe

Because its actually mostly Aya, followed by me then Chunn that appear like this and the three of us are the three "most autistic" parts

Maybe other parts of our brain sometimes shutdown due to autism and it just leaves the rest of us as predominant parts thus kind of making certain ones of us pop out more or something. Its just, interesting things.

Cause we are in slight autistic like... burn out rn I think and our brain just decided to mega amplify my part which is... interesting to say the least. Im STILL Feathers the whole, but its more accurate to say Im Lin rn since my part is just that extremely prominent rn

The way our parts present when we are operating as a fused whole is always a kind of interesting and complicated thing we don't usually care to think too much about until a certain switch in our brain flips and I'm over here like "wow I'm mostly Lin/Chunn" and like 95% of the times that happens is when we hit some level of burn out. It's not exactly dissociative really but something kind of like a large like... brain resource shift of some sort?

Aya is a whole different thing on her own since she never stops presenting as herself no matter how fused and whole our system is so who knows what the heck is going on over there, its another one of those things we never really question or care to think too much about cause it doesn't serve us much benefit to find out, we have no issue with it, and we honestly actually kind of like it.

Chunn and I however? Sometimes our whole fused identity becomes so predominantly held by the two of us. Its probably a relationship between masking, burn out, and just.... like our parts being the parts most experienced and associated with autistic overload / burnout / shutdown and so when we are out of autism spoons I think our brain goes "ah okay turn everything but these two off" or something like that.

Who knows honestly. Its just pretty interesting imo

[system-of-a-feather]

Honestly, a thing I've kind of started to realize within both our proper involvement within trauma / mental health care spaces and within our own healing, a large issue (not bad or derogatory, but rather a "flaw" and an obstacle that gets in the way from the most effective condition) is that a lot of DID / OSDD / CDD spaces are heavily built with a large atmosphere and focus on trauma, trauma labels, terms, the nuances of what is and isn't possible, and just largely a lot of the talk and engagement is about sharing one another's trauma stories and explaining How The Trauma Happens and the details of how Trauma Has Affected / Impact / Forever Changed You and that is COMPLETELY expected and understandable

Trauma is an incredibly harmful, incredibly hurtful, incredibly impactful thing to go through and it can very very easily make you feel EXTREMELY stuck in the place you are. It's not something that can easily swallow your existence - especially if you have DID and even more so if you are specifically a part that got the misfortune of having the role of holding trauma or being explicitly stuck in flashbacks. There is nothing *wrong* with the community being like that, it's completely expected and there is nothing *bad* about it. I think it is incredibly more helpful and better than everyone being isolated, uninformed, unsupported, and having *nothing* to help them through what is often an unsafe environment or the challenges of early recovery.

That said, both of those values / beliefs / mindsets are incredibly trauma-driven focuses that - in the process of helping meet needs, a sense of community, and safety (things individuals with a trauma history have a lot of a need for), reinforce the building of one's sense of self and identity AROUND and on top of the trauma and thus also kind of reinforces the idea that someone is defined, forever stuck, and distanced from other people based on their trauma.

And I think that is a key thing thats a difference between peer survivor groups processing things together and proper professionally guided group therapy of survivors. I'm not saying that professionals and group therapy is "good", because I have had a number of really negative experiences with it myself and as a person with a trauma background myself (even if I talk like this, I'm not immune) I both distrust "officials" and instictually would very much prefer if people who have not experienced extensive trauma stayed out of my trauma spaces.

What I am kind of trying to say is that in the former, there is an issue of the blind leading the blind as everyone involved is more or less stuck in that trauma space / mindplace that makes it hard to see the avenues of healing that go BEYOND trauma and are not something that individuals who are still deep in the trauma sauce are not going to really be the most open to. In the latter, in theory, there is a heavy trauma-responsive and trauma-informed professional who is both able to understand, empathize, be attuned to, and respond positively to traumatized individuals and the frequent challenges; and that not "In the Trauma" view provides a lot of essential and helpful opportunities to challenge (positively) some of the largest generalized trauma views / values and help in developing and builiding a sense of self and a life that is not as heavily built upon the basis of "Trauma being Defining" to who you are.

And as someone who was there before, its totally fine if you have a problem with me saying that "Trauma does not have to define your entire existence and doesn't make up everything of who you are" because 1) I don't know your story and 2) You don't have to trust me, you have no reason to trust me on that; but as someone who went through a shit ton of trauma and recovery myself, I hope that its something you would at least humor that I strongly believe that and have seen it multiple times - both in human and nonhuman experiences.

I just really say that because in my experience, the most important belief and self concept to challenge that REALLY changed how I felt about myself, my disorder, and my symptoms was the development of the belief that "I went through a lot of trauma and it greatly impacted me, but trauma isn't all of who I am and with every day I live outside of it, trauma becomes a smaller and smaller portion of who I am"

I think its important to hold discussions on how healing doing things and engaging in conversation AWAY from trauma can actually greatly help develop a sense of self apart from trauma and paradoxically greatly help in recovering from it. It sounds very anti-intuitive and against what might feel right / productive in the moment, but it's honestly really just such a powerful thing in my experience.