#trauma talk

[alicemaggot]

ah yes, my two contradicting views of my trauma.

“I don’t want this to happen again” vs “I wish it was worse and it happened again so I could get more attention and feel more valid”

[the-wanderer]

[softgritspoonie]

[system-of-a-feather]

You ever sometimes feel a slight tinge of alienation when you realize how far you've come from where you were and that few people will ever really truly understand the level of pain and suffering you were in the past BECAUSE of how good you are now?

Like for the large part, I've moved on and I don't really feel the need to hold onto that pain and suffering at my own expense and its something that rarely floats my mind - but sometimes I realize and see how few people can really fathom the dark place I used to be in when I was younger based on where I am now, and a small part of me feels sad for that version of me to be so unknown and unseen to most people.

I don't really want people to See and Know that version and history of mine, because it wasn't pretty and it's not who I am anymore, but there is always this distance I find when people just... see me where I am now and struggle to fathom where I came from.

Sometimes it makes me want to go back, fall back and just throw it all out there, just so people could see and know the whole story. And of course I won't, but to have that acknowledged, it's something I sometimes miss.

In a way, I love that version of myself that was a complete mess, because I see that version of me doing the best that I could and living in a world that I wasn't meant to still be alive in. They were very unwell, very full of hurt, hate, frustration, and betrayal, but they were doing their best.

It kind of makes me sad to think that a lot of people - because of the present version of my self - will rarely be able to really fathom the hurt, struggle, and perseverance that it took from that version of myself to Make my current self.

It's just... kind of sad. It's not who I am anymore, but it is still a large part of myself and sometimes it really misses being known.

This is open for people to add on to or chat or share their two cents.

[canineshapes]

We used to think we couldn't possibly be traumagenic bc we confused trauma with abuse. We thought we absolutely could not have trauma because we were never outright abused, right? We had a good childhood, right? Right? Haha ^_^" Then we realized oops growing up neurodivergent kinda was inherently traumatic in itself. Being isolated and othered by your peers as a child Actually affects you? Wow! Who would have thought!!! Wow!!!!!!!

[likestotasteyourlips]

unexpected things often happen

[furutafanboy]

Do you guys think that In Juuzous apartment he has a cage set up, or even just his closet set up in way that he can sleep in it?

Do you think after his whole life being kept in some kind of decorated cell as a pet for a Ghoul, who violated him and kept him in a cycle of violence, that he must find comfort in small spaces and cages in order to sleep. Everything else is to unfamiliar.

Do you think have a normal apartment scares him. He can't stay in the past but healing completely and leaving comfort behind, even if he knows that comfort is vile and poisonous. He needs a familar comfort that nobody else will understand...

Do you think he ever wonders about who his parents were. Who he came from. What life he was supposed to have. What happened to them? Did they give him away? Sell him? Where they murdered and he was taken? He doesn't remember them. What they look like. What they sound like. Or even if they existed at all. He can't remember before 5 or 6.

Does he even exist?

I do