As much as I usually agree with the point of the posts that have a certain kind of phrase in it, I'm getting tired of these phrases in general and I've finally pinpointed why.
These phrases are usually something like "irl communities don't care about your discourse" or "only people who've never interacted with the community in real life, would be so concerned about this"
These are usually said in response to exclusionists, as a flippant dismissal of their hatred. Now flippant dismissal has its place, but not in the essays these phrases are in. It's usually mixed in with explanations of history of the community, and personal anecdotes about time spent in irl communities.
Up until last month, I hadn't really gone to any places for the community. There isn't much in Kansas. So I didn't feel I had the right to speak up about this phrase. But then we had our first state pride event last month.
Now, I was prepared for it to be underwhelming bc I was already somewhat aware of how pride seems to be romanticized (as social events usually are) and, as previously mentioned, it's Kansas. But that didn't mean some things didn't sting. And they have me thinking on these phrases that keep cropping up.
These phrases, while said by people against exclusionists, imply a lot of things, that don't necessarily help.
They imply that irl communities are inherently better
Irl communities are going to be varied. Just bc irl communities in L.A. are really great, doesn't mean that the ones in rural red states are going to be great. And even the best ones, are going to be white skinny cis gay centered.
I don't think we had more than 100 people show up to our pride event, most of them only showed up half way through, and I got misgendered 4 times. I didn't even bring out the super difficult pronouns, just they/them.
They imply that only interacting with the community online is inherently toxic
A lot of people still believe that trolls don't act that way in real life, despite studies showing that they do act that way offline. They just do it behind closed doors, or to people in customer service.
Not to mention, online communities are the only way a lot of ppl have to interact with the community, be it bc of rural problems, disability, or safety reasons.
If it weren't for online communities, I would have probably never even heard of any of my identities. I didn't fall for exclusionist rhetoric, bc my identities are their targets.
Those who aren't a target, avoid falling for it bc they haven't been exposed to it, or they personally know someone who is a target, not bc they've been to a bar has a pride flag hanging somewhere on the premises.
They imply that not caring is the same as acceptance
Our community has a real problem with acting like coming out is a big one time event where you either get kicked out/beaten up, or you get glowing acceptance out the wazoo.
But the reality is that you have to decide to "come out" every time you interact with anyone, and a lot of that is just quiet indifference or the silent treatment. Getting treated like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum, just for not hiding your queerness, isn't acceptance.
I call this being in the glass closet, bc I never hide any of my queerness, but the assumptions that come from non queer people, are still the ones associated with being in the closet.
Now a lot of the reason non queer people never treat me with obvious queerphobia, is bc my identities aren't one of the basic ones that even non queer people have heard of. My oldest one is my ace identity, which brings me to my final point.
It mirrors exclusionist rhetoric
Now if you"re thinking that 'too many people are crying terf/exclusionist rhetoric these days' you've already swallowed more of it than I'm willing to get into today.
One of the most popular phrases that exclusionists still throw at aces, is "nobody cares what you do in the bedroom"
It was said to shut aces up, bc by pretending that aces aren't oppressed, they could justify not making space for them in the community. And if any aces tried to call this out, it was met with something like "oh I don't hate you, I just don't care".
These phrases get plastered onto ace PSAs, trying to keep aces from speaking up, making space for themselves in the community, and educating others on what support the ace community needs. And then these people have the audacity to say they are neutral on ace discourse, bc they don't hate ace people, they just think they aren't a real identity.
They apply this across the board to any identity they feel is unworthy to be considered part of the club.
So when I see claims that irl communities don't care about the infighting, all I see is that they will choose neutrality and side with the oppressor.
Not caring enough to hate, is not acceptance.
