Autistic and in a relationship: lessons I learned
My first relationship ended not long ago and after thinking and analysing about every aspect of it here I am; ready to share with you what I’ve learned so that hopefully it can help someone else.
Being autistic often means experimenting a romantic relationship differently than most people. I want to share with you what I think are the good aspects, the challenging ones and those who could turn your relationship in a very toxic bound. This can be useful to people who are not autistic but I will focus on aspects that are specifically important to us.
Aspects that are heartwarming:
Having someone who knows about your autism and cares about you enough to adapt their behaviour around you: being around someone who will help you to get through a sensory overload or ask you if you’re fine in a noisy place is such a mood booster honestly.
Sharing stim toys with your partner: it can be super fun and it can help them understand why you use them, which one you like best, when do you use them and so on... It was an aspect I really liked.
Being comfortable enough to stim with them: not only is trust necessary in a relationship but it also feels super good to be able to stim freely around someone you love. Also it can slowly help you getting used to stim in public. Nothing like getting the support you need from someone you love very much.
Feeling like you’re being cheered on through the day even when you think you don’t deserve the support: having someone who understood that simple tasks take much more effort for me to accomplish than for most people was very comforting. I often feel like I don't deserve the praise, compliments or support because what I do is "normal" to neurotypicals but it was nice to have someone actually see me.
Feeling free to infodump about your special interest: if your partner makes an active effort to remember small things about your spln it is one of the best feeling honestly! Our special interests are often brushed aside by people around us because they don’t realise how important it is to us so having someone who gets it is priceless.
Giving love to someone and growing together: yes I know this one sounds vague and cliché but aren’t we just used to people not understanding our ways of showing love? Aren’t we used to be alone? Meeting someone who accept us, understand our love and is willing to grow alongside with us is beautiful and I hope every romantic person will be able to experience that in their lifetime.
Aspect that can be challenging:
Space (psychological and physical) is necessary for most autistic people. More than most people and it can be difficult for your partner to understand that. Be sure to set clear boundaries from the beginning and if your partner makes you feel guilty about them do not stay in a relationship with that person.
Physical contact can be complicated if you are in a relationship because chances are your lover will want to hug, hold hands, kiss and more and you won’t want to or not as often as them. (This is mostly valid if you are repulsed by touch or have this sense be particulary sensitive). It’s very important that you communicate with them about it. I don’t care if you need to make a list of moments when you can be approached or if you need to write them a lengthy text about it just please don’t make the same mistake as me and never force yourself to have physical contact if you don’t feel 100% comfortable with it (even if we’re “just” talking about holding hands!). Being in a relationship does not mean that you have an obligation to touch/let yourself be touched by your lover. They need to respect your boundaries and you need to know that guilt has no place here.
Difficulty to communicate will probably be a challenge so if you need to communicate by writing, sign language or drawings please inform your partner so that both of you can develop a communication style that works for both of you.
Change in routine can also be a tough one because if you spend your time with a lover, you have now someone to integrate to your daily life. Try to built a new routine from the beginning (don’t wait) and explain to them why you need to have a certain routine and why it is important that they respect that. Also if you need to know plans in advance (ex: for dates) tell them and expect them to respect that.
Dangers and how it can become toxic:
Communication: If you feel like you can’t communicate well with your partner: ask yourself the question “why?”. Is it because you don’t feel like they listen to you? Is it because they want to communicate in a way that you are not comfortable with? Did you communicate your needs and you feel like nothing has changed since?
If you feel like they don’t listen to you, consider your needs, value your opinions and interests and don’t make any effort to resolve this problem please reconsider your relationship.
Boundaries: Do they respect your boundaries? How do you feel when you are with them? Do you feel guilty most of the time? Do you have enough time on your own? Did you tell them what were your limits and did they respect them? Do you feel manipulated into doing things you’re not comfortable with?
If you feel manipulated, guilty, neglected, pushed into things you dont want to please reconsider your relationship.
Special interest: Do they make an effort to get to know your special interests? Do they give you time to get into your spln? How do they react when you talk about it?
Special interests are such an important part of who we are as autistic people so don’t stay with someone who can’t get bother to learn about what makes your eyes sparkle or even worse someone who belittles you for liking your spln!
I feel like I’ve wrote everything that comes to my mind on this subject but if you think of anything more don’t hesitate to comment or reblog and add your perspective on it :)
If you’re going through a breakup please take care of yourself, communicate with friends, express your feelings and take time for yourself. You are going to heal and move on I promise. <3
