Drowning pt. 2 (Namjoon x OC)
Summary: You and Namjoon find out you still have some kinks to iron out.
Pairing: Namjoon x OC
Genre: Angst, fluff
Word count: 3.9 K
Rating: 18+
Warnings: sexual innuendos? if that - idk
A/N: I have, to this day, not been able to get over purple-haired Namjoon, so this fic is dedicated to whichever stylist decided to bring this into our lives. Takes place the morning after Drowning.
Tagging: @bbl32, @quarter-life-crisis2, @margopinkerton, @faearchives, @whoisbts, @purpleseoul7, @kflixnet (if you want to be added to the taglist, lmk)
Listen to: “full time lover” by prateek kuhad
namjoon masterlist | main masterlist
It’s a sunny day in the London heat, but according to Dilara, it will rain this evening.
Kaya stares at the clouds in the distance, wondering if they are rainclouds and if they are even near enough the city to provide a respite from this heat. She will be back in Amsterdam by then, though, where the weather is more bearable.
She can hear voices from close by, of Dilara and Taehyung, of her friends, of Namjoon and Chris speaking their language in similarly deep voices. It’s somewhat comforting, but Kaya can’t seem to find it in herself to join them. In fact, she hasn’t all day, and she can’t quite figure out why.
Taking a deep breath, she tries to retrace her steps from this morning, all the way from when she had woken up in Dilara’s guest room, cold and alone.
Her heart had jerked to such a stop that it physically hurt. The first sound out of her mouth had been something between a dry sob and a gasp. She’d sat up in an instant, realising a moment later that the cold was because the air conditioner had clearly been turned up - or that it felt that way because the warm body next to her that always ran a little too hot in the summers was no longer there.
She’d had to blink and rub her eyes before the grogginess disappeared and she was able to focus on the Rolex lying on the bedside table, followed by the Converse shoes by the closets that were definitely too big to be hers. She’d felt mildly ridiculous but given her heart was still beating rapidly and unevenly, she’d gotten off the bed and slipped on her shorts, now able to hear faint voices from outside as well.
Namjoon had been in the kitchen with Chris and Dilara, scarfing down a bowl of cereal while the three of them chatted. His face had broken out into a dimpled smile at the sight of her, easy and familiar, and he’d sort of held out one hand. For some reason, including the uncomfortable feeling in her stomach that hadn’t yet subsided, Kaya pretended as though she hadn’t seen it.
It didn’t end there. Dilara and her friends had a plan to go ice-skating and somehow, Kaya found herself and Namjoon being roped into it. To his credit, Namjoon seemed equally enthused at the prospect - but she had a feeling he could be convinced into anything at the moment. His happiness and relaxed demeanor was transparent, but it didn’t do a lot to help her discomfort disappear.
The cold interior was a welcome respite from the heat and their group of six meant that Kaya was able to distance herself from Namjoon without making it obvious. She wished she wasn’t, but it simply felt too overwhelming to be around him, as though it was opening the door to a room stuffed with feelings she had to begin making sense of.
Dilara and her friend Lexie, her trainer and a professional dancer, had taken off on the ice together, gliding like swans and seeming strangely coordinated, like they knew each other’s movements. Chris and Taehyung were far less graceful about it; the latter was dreadful, half-stomping and yelling in fear, and had to be coaxed by his girlfriend who was laughing but stayed patient, holding his hands and guiding him, while Chris outright refused to participate.
It left Kaya and Namjoon to be the average, normal skaters and when he had come over and asked if she wanted to skate together, holding out his hand, she’d found it impossible to be able to refuse.
The uncertainty didn’t go anywhere, though, not while skating, not after, when they grabbed fish and chips from a nearby vendor, and not now when they hung around by the Thames on a rare day off, eating and sipping on cold drinks.
The breeze by the river is slightly cooler; sitting on a ledge overlooking the water, Kaya tries to clear her mind.
She smells him before she hears him, the familiar cologne making her heart involuntarily skip a beat. “Hey. Is this seat taken?”
Kaya opens her eyes but doesn’t look at him; turning in his general direction, she forces a small smile and shakes her head, looking back at the water as he sits beside her.
“Are you okay?” he asks. When she simply nods, he speaks again, and his tone is slightly different. “Something on your mind?”
Too much. Now that he’s sitting beside her, she’s finding it harder than ever to look at him, afraid he’ll see everything on her face.
“Is everything -“
“Can you -“ She interrupts him and stops abruptly. “Can you… not get up in the morning and just leave like that? Maybe wake me up or - or drop a text or something?”
By his silence, she can tell that isn’t what he was expecting. “Yeah,” he says after a moment. “Sure. Sorry.”
She nods, slightly regretting her brusque tone. Her eyes look around without really seeing anything, vaguely registering people walking around on a Tuesday afternoon. For once, Namjoon doesn’t seem about them being together in public. She wonders if that’s on purpose.
“Is there anything else?” he asks gently. “Kaya… did I do something wrong? Last night?”
Kaya shakes her head. Nothing had really happened last night for anything to go wrong. They had clambered into bed, fully-clothed minus denims - she guessed he didn’t want to presume anything and was waiting for her cue.
Somewhere in the darkness, the proximity and familiar touch and pure longing had led to her tilting her head up and finding his lips, and they’d engaged in a passionate snog session that could’ve gone all the way, had it not been for her stopping it abruptly.
“Sorry,” she’d murmured, rolling off him and feeling his hand slide off her thigh. “I just don’t think tonight is… you know, the right…”
Namjoon had saved her from stuttering and nodded, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “No problem,” he’d replied softly, and waited for her to settle back down before doing so himself, eventually wrapping his arms loosely around her body - comforting but not suffocating. She’d felt his semi against the small of her back and a primal part of her wanted to throw caution to the wind, but she’d restrained herself.
Now, sitting right next to him, it occurs to her how foreign the distance is between them, even if it’s barely a foot.
“Are you sure you want this?” she blurts out.
“This, meaning… you? Like, a relationship?” He hardly waits for her to nod. “Yes. Very much. Why do you ask?”
“Because it’s just occurring to me that the only reason we’re here is because Seokjin tricked me into going to your hotel yesterday,” she says, the words suddenly flowing. “Without that… would all this have actually happened?” she asks, finally looking at him. Would you still be here?
Namjoon frowns. “I mean… honestly? Maybe not,” he admits. “But you can say that about a hundred different things. We’re here right now because everything up till this moment fell into place a certain way.”
“But would you be here?” she asks finally. “Or do you think you’d even want to, a week or a month from now? Because… Namjoon, I can’t help but feel like I - like I ambushed you,” she confesses. “I just showed up and I said a bunch of things and I caught you off guard… emotions were running very high. But once everything calms down, in a few days or a few weeks… will this still be something you want?”
His frown deepens and Kaya can tell he’s struggling not to let his incredulity show. “Is it something I want? Kaya… I can assure you, that is not something that has ever been in question.”
“Then why didn’t you come to me sooner? Why did it take me coming there and a fight to happen and - and for you to find out about the note for us to be here?”
“Because -“ He sighs. “Look, I can’t pretend I know what might have happened if you hadn’t come over yesterday. I think I was questioning my decision enough that I would’ve eventually called you, probably to apologise or definitely at least to talk. But… no, it probably wouldn’t have been last night,” he admits. “But that’s how these things work sometimes. Would we be here if you weren’t in London for work?”
Kaya turns away as he tilts his head, his logic not escaping her.
“You did not ambush me,” he clarifies firmly. “You told me a bunch of things I needed to hear and as hard as some of those things were… you were right to say them to me.”
That’s not what I’m talking about. Not exactly. But she doesn’t know how else to put it. Next to her, Namjoon takes a deep breath.
“You know, when I was on the way to the airport after you told me about the break-in,” he begins, a little hesitantly, “before I decided to write to management about the press release, I was… I was going to tell them I was terminating my contract. I didn’t,” he adds quickly, when she snaps around to look at him in shock, “but that was the initial plan.”
“Jesus, Namjoon,” she breathes, shaking her head. “When did you get such a flair for the dramatic?”
“I wasn’t trying to be dramatic,” he disagrees. “And it’s not like I would’ve stopped being a member of BTS that second. There would’ve been a discussion and meetings about it - and I was ready to have those. But I didn’t go through with it because as I was typing out the email…” He sighs. “I got a message from Jungkook asking if I knew where his socks were. And then one from Jimin asking me not to tell him. And I had no idea what they were talking about… but I knew I couldn’t do that to them.”
“Tell me about it. Please do not end your career for me,” she states, still reeling from this new information. “Christ. Those were really your only two options?”
“The point is, is that I didn’t break up with you on a whim,” he says patiently. “Obviously, I shouldn’t have done it at all, but… Kaya, it really, genuinely felt like my last resort then. So if you’re asking me if I still want to be with you? Honey, I never stopped. Okay?”
Kaya feels chest loosen slightly - but only slightly. The casual term of affection doesn’t escape her notice either; he’d only started calling her that when she’d started calling him that. Until then, it had been a lot of jagiya and sweetheart and baby - but this extremely American endearment had been new to his vocabulary then.
When she’d mentioned to him once, when they were thousands of miles apart, that it always made her think of how her immigrant parents called each other honey, deliberately using an American term to make each other laugh, he’d suddenly started using it much more often.
“Namjoon, I…” She exhales deeply, wishing the answer would come to her - wishing the question would come to her, perfectly structured so she could get her point across but still avoid hurting him. “I get that you think that,” she says slowly, noting how his shoulders fall but powering through, “and I believe that you think that. But it’s been six months.”
“That’s really not a lot.”
“I’m not saying your feelings have disappeared. I’m saying…” She tries but gives up almost immediately. “I’m saying that things can change in six months. And I don’t want us making such a huge decision - again - based solely on what happened last night. We’ve missed each other and we said a lot of things, but I really think we need to take a beat and think about it. Because… I can’t go through a break-up again. I just can’t. So, if you’re not one hundred percent sure… well, then this is your out.”
There’s a few seconds of silence where the sound of the river seems louder. Then, Namjoon speaks.
“I don’t need an out. I don’t want one and I don’t think it’s -”
Just then, both of them are called and they turn to see everyone starting to pile into Dilara’s Aston Martin DBX.
“Look, just - just think about it, okay?” Kaya says, standing up and dusting herself off. When Namjoon doesn’t answer, his tongue in his cheek, she hesitantly offers her hand. Despite his visible discomfort, he takes it and even though he doesn’t apply any pressure, he keeps holding her hand until they’re at the car.
—
Namjoon follows Kaya into the guest room, slowing down a few feet behind her, and watches her gather her belongings from around the room.
“Good thing I didn’t unpack a lot,” she says lightly. “The cab should be here any minute. Thank God the college is paying for it or I’d be taking the train. Do you think you’ll still come?” she asks after a moment, sounding doubtful.
“Yeah. I’ll be there tomorrow morning. Need to book the hotel and everything,” he explains, suddenly remembering he needs to inform the team and taking out his phone.
“Joon?”
“Yeah?”
She sighs. “Are you mad?”
“What? No,” he says honestly, lowering his phone. “Of course not. I’m just trying to understand…” He takes off the beanie he’s been wearing all day and runs a hand through his hair, letting breathe in the AC. “I know you may need time. And I’m fine with that, really. I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere.”
Kaya purses her lips, a small smile flickering on her face. “But?”
“No but,” he says immediately. “Yet,” he begins after a moment, “I really want to understand why you think my feelings might have changed. It’s not like I moved on with my life after we broke up. I didn’t even try,” he admits. “Why is that the doubt in your mind?”
She shrugs slowly. “I don’t know. I know that you… love me, but I just need… I don’t know, some kind of reassurance. Something to show me that it’s more than the relief of getting back together.”
Namjoon frowns, something just occurring to him. “Is this the only thing that’s holding you back?” he asks curiously. “From…”
“From getting back together?” She pauses, evidently thinking. “Yeah, I think so.”
“Really? You’re not mad at me anymore?”
She takes a deep breath. “No. I was, yesterday. Very. But it’s getting too hard to stay mad at you,” she admits. “I don’t want to do it anymore.”
Something blooms in Namjoon’s chest at that, hopeful and happy, but he reins it in.
“I love you,” he says.
He’s not imagining it; an automatic smile threatens to creep up on her face but she suppresses it. “I love you, too. But I don’t want to move forward with this - this thing in my brain, constantly questioning me. I’m sorry, I know I’m probably not making any sense,” she mutters, shaking her head and moving around the bed with her packed suitcase.
“No, come on, don’t be sorry,” he says immediately, coming to stand before her. “I really want to understand, baby - okay, let me see if I’m getting this -“ He touches her shoulders to stop her in place and clasps his hands together.
Kaya sighs but doesn’t protest, folding her arms across her chest and tilting her head, clearly humouring him.
“You want to get back together - which, by the way, is music to my ears -“ he adds, his heart skipping a beat when she purses her lips in amusement, “and it’s not that you’re angry… you just aren’t sure if I’m serious about this?”
Her shoulders fall and she looks away, now seeming visibly frustrated at her inability to word it.
“I think you believe you are,” she says slowly. “But I think you think you’re supposed to. I don’t think you’ve thought this through beyond just getting back together. About what happens after getting back together.”
Something settles in Namjoon’s stomach; it’s like the feeling of hearing a bunch of demos and arrangements and knowing that a particular combination of them is the correct sound - but the challenge is to recreate in reality what is in his head.
“Okay.” He swallows, nodding. “Firstly, I hope you know that as much as I want this, I in no way want to pressure you. You can take all the time you need - I just don’t want this to be something that’s a factor in it.”
She shrugs helplessly. “How does that happen? I can’t tell my brain to stop thinking about it. There has to be a rationale behind it.”
“So… you want me to prove that I’m in this for the long haul?”
“I mean, it’s not a test. But… yeah, an indication wouldn’t be the worst thing.”
They stare at each other, both their points having been made, with the looming feeling of an impasse. Namjoon fiddles absently with the rings on his fingers, something he realises only now that he should have returned to the stylists yesterday.
“Alright.” He pokes his tongue in his cheek and takes a deep breath. “I think I get it. I just want you to know that… this is not the way I was planning to do this. Or even imagining it - like, Dilara’s guest room was nowhere in the picture. But I love you,” he repeats, “and if we do get back together, it’s my job to make sure that this isn’t something you ever doubt again, so…” He takes a step backwards and, with his heart suddenly starting to race almost as though it’s trying to catch up with his brain, he goes to kneel.
It takes almost his knee to touch the ground before Kaya seemingly catches on, her frown deepening one second and her eyes widening the next. An incoherent gasp escapes her mouth for which Namjoon is glad, for he doesn’t think he can get through this if he’s interrupted.
“Kaya Madaan, love of my life,” he says, slipping a silver ring off his middle finger, “I can try and convince you of this every single day for the rest of our lives - and I will - if you make me the happiest man on -“
“Oi, Kaya, your taxi is here - whoa, what’s wrong - oh, my God! Oh, my God!”
Dilara gasps in the doorway, while Kaya is still frozen in shock before him. Namjoon feels like he’s been hit in the chest with the sudden interruption and he swallows, staring wordlessly as the door opens wider and Taehyung appears next to his girlfriend.
“What happened? What’s - oh.” Taehyung’s eyebrows disappear into his bangs and he swears in part-shock and part-awe - and in Korean, Namjoon notes somewhere in his mind.
“Oh, God, I’m so sorry!” Dilara exclaims, wincing in guilt and looking at Kaya.
“Damn,” muses Taehyung, back to English, “I always thought I was going to go first.”
“What?” Dilara smacks his shoulder in horror, making him gasp and wince as he clutches his arm.
Namjoon’s brain finally snaps out of its shocked silence and he gets to his feet. “Alright, get out,” he snaps, walking over and slamming the door, hesitating for a moment before turning around to face Kaya.
“That was definitely not part of the plan,” he mutters, running a hand through his hair and shaking his head. “Okay, where, uh, where were we? Oh, right -“ He moves to go back to his original spot, but Kaya stops him.
“Namjoon.” Her voice is still a little shaky but her grip on his shoulders is firm. “You don’t have to do that. You don’t - you shouldn’t. Not now.”
From her expression, he knows she isn’t referring to the location. He reaches up to brush his thumb against her cheek. “I really do want you to know that I - Kaya, I’m not afraid to do this. Granted, it should be more romantic, more planned - and definitely far, far away from those two. But I mean it just as much right now.”
Kaya bites her lip and even though he knows all the things wrong with this situation, she shakes her head slowly. His heart sinks unexpectedly but he hopes it doesn’t show on his face.
“Not like this,” she says softly. “We’re not there yet - on multiple fronts. But, someday… maybe.”
His chest loosens slightly. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. I still don’t think we should get back together this minute,” she says after a moment, waiting for Namjoon to nod. “But… come to Amsterdam tomorrow. Help me move in… maybe christen my new apartment?”
He half-chuckles. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I just wanted to -“
“I know. And… you did.” She gives him a small smile when he meets her eyes. “This was not what I had in mind when you said prove,” she says, giving him a look, “but I think it did the job. But… God, Joon, what would you have done if I’d said yes?”
He takes a deep breath and shrugs. “Well, for starters, I would get you an actual ring.” He slips the ring back onto his finger, the metal feeling cold in the AC. “And told Big Hit that as my legal spouse, they fly you back and forth to wherever I am.” He pauses. “You know, I think I’m going to do that anyway.”
Kaya raises her eyebrows. “You can do that?”
“Yeah. I think so. If you’re my significant other on paper - and, yeah, there will be a paper,” he adds, slightly apologetically. “But they can afford it.”
“Well, you are a shareholder,” she points out. “But you know what? If you manage to swing that, I’ll take it.”
He squints. “You have never let me pay for a ticket in three years. I had to convert it into a birthday gift for the Rome trip.”
“Take the win, honey,” she murmurs, reaching up and kissing him. Namjoon almost sighs when he feels his chest relax and his stomach unclench with worry. Pulling her closer by the waist, he kisses her back, every cell in his body cherishing the moment.
“You have no idea how much I love you,” he mumbles into her shoulder when they pull away into a hug.
“I may have an idea,” she replies, equally softly, tightening her arms around his shoulders.
There’s a knock on the door. “Er… I don’t mean to interrupt,” comes Dilara’s voice, sounding extremely hesitant, “but the security guard just called me to say your taxi is still waiting.”
“Shit, I’m going to miss my flight,” mutters Kaya, immediately stepping away and fumbling for her suitcase and bag. Namjoon tries not to be disappointed as he takes her suitcase from her and wheels it to the front door, waiting while she pulls on her shoes.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he promises when she stands up again. “Call me when you land?”
“I will.” She reaches up to give him another quick hug and a kiss on the cheek before heading out, tucking her long hair behind her ear and calling the lift. Namjoon watches until the lift arrives and she steps in, blowing him a kiss as the doors close.
Missing her already, he trudges inside and shuts the front door behind him to see Taehyung and Dilara surreptitiously staring from where they are on the sofa.
“I’m going to kill you two.”
—
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