This is a random vent post but felt the need to kinda express myself. (Under the influence of alcohol)
People who struggle with OCD will most likely get me. Hearing people who say: "Oh my god I am so OCD!" while talking about wanting to have their room tidy and organised - that's fucking normal, and it makes me so mad. I wish "wanting my room to be tidy" was the end of it, but it's so much more. It's not even about being organised in the traditional sense - it's NEEDING to have things your way, so you can be calm and comfortable. It's shout feeling anxious, sometimes to the point where you can't even function properly, simply because something doesn't feel right, your mind ruminates all the time, it doesn't "just right", your mind comes back to something you know is irrational but still let it control you, are desperate and don't know what to do, your mind just won't let you, you're in trap and don't know how to get out. It's about the feeling of when you don't finish a ritual, you get so anxious, scared, even depressed and feel like your life is gonna end just because of it. It's not quirky or cool personality trait, it's a fucking nightmare.
Yeah I have been dealing with it for a long time undiagnosed, but I never romanticised it, never enjoyed it. I finally got diagnosed and have some kind of relief that "it" now has a name, I wish everyone undiagnosed to be able to experience this kind of relief (in a weird scene, of course it's not really a relief in the traditional sense), but if you say you HAVE (not "I am") OCD and didn't experience this, then please shut up. No, being organized isn't "OCD", that's simply a trait some people have. It's when you're "organized" (focused on something) so much, that you PHYSICALLY and MENTALLY can't do otherwise, otherwise the feelings of anxiety, overthinking, madness and depression, will consume you.
Last time I was diagnosed with ADD as well, which doesn't really help my situation. My psychiatrist said I'm his first patient with this combination (at least I'm first in something right). I take meds for OCD but he said if it keeps worsening, that I might need to take another medication for ADD as well. I don't want to. What if it sends me back if it doesn't sit right with my meds I take now? And I don't even know if I could handle the burden of taking another medication with my current one. The fact that he said that this combination is the opposite of ideal and can cause serious problems, didn't exactly help me. (Although I already knew that)
Jenna Ortega opened up about her OCD issues and I'm glad someone talks about it in a way that's not describing OCD as a quirky organizations of decorations. The need to do rituals, compulsions, ruminations and fall victim to the obsessions is so tiring, exhausting, time consuming. The feeling of being embarrassed when someone sees me during compulsions... it's so humiliating. I know it looks weird, I know it doesn't make sense, but I have to do it. I don't enjoy it. You can't even imagine how much I would like to just go to bed after brushing my teeth, and not to wash my hands like a maniac, carefully drying them in my way and then leaving the bathroom in a specific way so I don't touch anything and follow my usual trajectory, before finally getting to my room. If I do one small thing differently- I go back and do it all again. The exhaustion of the need to count if I have everything, if I locked the door (constantly turning the doorknob and counting) and many more everyday stuff. The fact Jenna opened about it, when she now has such a big reach to people, is something I really appreciate and I think it's gonna help a lot people with accepting themselves. In the end, everyone is different, Jenna is different, Wednesday is different, and a lot of other people. Different doesn't mean bad. Everyone is special in their own way.
I know it might sound dramatic but at one point I got into a state where I wasn't able to function normally and it affected my physical health as well.
I apologize in advance for this rant. I'm a coward and might delete it later. The only reason why I started writing this is because of the alcohol. Sometimes I feel like I am able to talk about my feelings, thoughts and emotions only under the influence of alcohol. The feeling of having my head at least a little bit lighter...at least for a little bit....
I don't know if writing this was the right decision but I guess I also wanted to say that if you're struggling, if you see yourself in this, you're not alone. It doesn't have to be like that forever. You can work with it so it doesn't affect your life as much. You will never get rid of it, but you can work with it. While I am in no way a specialist (quite far from that) my DMs or ask forums are always open. We can talk, complain whatever. You're not alone.
As I said maybe I will delete it because in the end my mind will always say: nobody cares, idiot. But I wanted to be truthful to myself and don't hide it. However, be mindful of the grammar and syntactical mistakes you might and probably will see. It's a little bit chaotic. And also, a classic line, English isn't my first language.
If you finished reading this, thank you.
Hope you have a beautiful day. :)
