I remember when I was 13, the ideas I had in my head of this man. He was perfect in every way. He was my thought when I woke up every day. He wasn't real but I was so sure that he was where I would be now.
I remember when I was 14, how my world fell apart. How I fell in love with the girl who had hazel eyes and the silly smile. The girl who made me question my whys and everything I wanted from my life.
I remember when I was 15, being so close to almost giving up the only things I had known since birth. I remember the damaging thoughts in my head, screaming why Lord why and being ready to never bow my head again.
But what matters most is I remember that I am 16. I remember crying out to you; I remember taking the pain I thought you punished me with to the cross. I remember my shoulders shaking and my head aching, I remember my eyes crying the tears I had felt to empty to let go of for the past two years. And after so much pain and suffering, I felt peace. I felt reminder first and foremost that who I am is between you and me. I remember feeling like You accepted me for me, that this was the way You created me. I felt as if You had a use for me. I remember feeling that You loved me.
Maybe thirteen year old me was wrong about the man who I would love with all my life. He was never a person God would send to me, it was never about truck bed kisses and horseback rides. He was the Lord himself, who holds me when I cry, He who saves me when I want to die, and accept who He himself made me to be.
And maybe, I still fear the future and my parents reaction. Maybe I am still in love with that hazel eyed girl and maybe I still want us to be meant to be. But now I know that wherever He leads, I am who I am meant to be and that He is forever with me.