At first I was just using a walking stick, for hip pain and then for balance when my hips weren’t hurting.
Then I started to worry about using it so much- like I was going to make myself ‘dependent’ on the stick by using it all the time.
I realized, when I tried to go without it, that I DID need it all the time, and that using it was just helpful and not causing me to need it. I needed it because I needed it.
Also, I told my oldest that I was worried about making myself ‘need’ it by using it all the time, and It told me that was just some internalized Ableism.
Then we moved to another state.
My wrist started hurting all the time. I started using my other hand to hold the stick.
My shoulders started hurting again (they have hurt off and on for a few years now). I finally decided to purchase an aluminum cane to use, cause they are lighter than huge bad ass walking sticks my dad makes.
It helped. My balance started getting really bad again, and I felt like I’d really be better off with two canes. But it’s hard enough to carry just my purse and my keys with one cane so I never got a second one.
I feel like a fraud when I’m in public, because I alternate which side I’m using the cane on, based on which hip is hurting worse and which shoulder is hurting worse.
When the stores have an electric wheelchair available I use them. When they don’t I don’t stay in the store long.
Now I have a brand new Rollator in my bedroom and I haven’t used it yet. It’s been there since Thursday and this is Sunday.
I want to use it, I want to go for walks, but I don’t want neighbors seeing me use it and thinking about what a fraud I am cause they’ve seen me put the trash cans out front with no cane and they’ve seen me hobble back to the house without the cane.
They’ve seen me outside checking the mail with no cane, and I’m not hobbling cause it’s a good day.
I need to get some stuff out of my vehicle, and the rollator will help me transport it to where it needs to go.
I’ve just been kind of stuck, with the braining.
This is me. My body does not always want to support me in a standing position. I need a walker in order to actually walk, instead of hobble.
Now I just need to suck it up and get on with using the walker and show the rest of the world that this is me whether they like it or not.
whether they believe it or not.
whether they want to see it or not.
