one of the things i dont always see mentioned is how we, or i guess i specifically, dont have a reaction to even the smaller things of life. not just relationships.
for one, if i drop or spill something, i dont react emotionally. i dont get angry or annoyed. outside of me cleaning it up, its almost as though the experience never even happened.
a true disconnect with the things happening around me, even if its me that caused it. a severation between the external and internal world.
things exist, but they dont. things happen, but they dont.
me: emotion instability???? don't kno her!!! i'm in total control of my body 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻 moodswings??? never heard of the term 😤😤😤 i'm always happy and i can control my emotions 100% 😜😜😜
also me: *has a 30 minutes long crying session because someone used my favorite mug so now i can't use it to drink coffee*
im having a killer sans and my own personality disorder fixation so i might as well talk about them both. and also share how my symptoms and love for killer overlap.
ill also be talking about color and swap sans.
.°• ੈ♡₊˚•.
so for reference i have covert schizoid personality disorder. covert meaning that you would not initially expect me to be szpd upon first meeting me unless youre a psychologist that understands how my inner mind works.
anyway. szpd is also commonly compared to autism, depression, avoidant and anti-social personality disorders due to a variety of reasons and overlapping symptoms.
short comparison explanation to quickly dumb it down: autism? shared social ineptness. depression? chronic anhedonia. apd? we... avoid people. aspd? most schizoid's have limited or no empathy.
for a quick szpd description, read this brief mayo website. keep in mind, though, that while mayo clinic is mostly credible, they do reference the dsm-5. schizoid specialized psychologists are known for having beef with the dsm-5 and constantly shit on it in their introductions in schizoid related research papers.
as another thing, schizoid's have this thing called a "safety person." not all schizoid's have one, but its a clinical term used for when a schizoid trusts someone enough to rely on them for things. i guess. (similar to the term "favorite person" for bpd? but obviously not as extreme since we can easily cut our sp off if theyre deemed unsafe. we're not that attached.)
why am i explaining all of this? because i know damn well most people reading this have no idea what szpd is. from lengthy experience.
moving on!
what you have been all been waiting for... killer sans.
yeah, honestly, i love the dude. i kind of see him as a son more than anything, so outside of me projecting myself onto him, hes kind of like a son to me.
an adult son that i have not been able to kick out of the house for a millenia bc he spends all of his money on random shit that he collects and trophies in his room. type of vibe.
anyways, i know people usually headcanon killer as having aspd. and im not gonna take that away from anyone because honestly, i 45% agree with it. its not my cup of tea, but theres definitely some convincing signs.
but then do i headcanon him as having szpd, if not aspd? fuck to the fucking no. he is closer to aspd than szpd for sure, even if i dont fully support aspd killer.
but as someone with szpd, i do heavily relate to killer in quite a few things. such as the general emotional supression that comes with being a schizoid. the absolute indifference that embodies us. the lack of reaction. the lack of feeling. the lack of identity. having to mimic other people just to blend in and avoid confrontation because we dont want any kind of attention. good or bad attention.
sure, killer is much different than us when it comes to attention. honestly, from the looks of it, im pretty convinced he has periods of craving attention.
schizoids do not crave attention.
but on a lot of other things.... its easy to relate to him. its easy to see myself in him. its easy to pick apart his mind and psychoanalyze his character when you've already done half the work just by observing yourself.
a schizoids observation of the self can be described by this fellow tumblr user.
so its very easy to understand killer. stupidly easy. like a predictable animal under the influence of "classical conditioning."
classical conditioning... this does not help with my more cruel, angst-driven headcanons.
but anyway.
color sans in specific almost feels like a safety person to killer. because like... in order to be a safety person, you have to respect a schizoid's autonomy and independence. you cannot force us to rely on you. you cannot force us to open up to you.
so i make this comparison because i feel like thats exactly how it works between killer and color, too. they go at each others own pace. color only makes emotional demands when its important, but otherwise keeps a reasonable space as to not overwhelm or threaten killers autonomy. mutual respect and effort kind of thing.
i also make this comparison due to killer's absolute hatred for swap sans. how hes depicted to always be bullying or releasing his anger out on swap. and for what? because swap wants to help killer?
another trait that happens to relate to schizoid.
schizoids easily feel disgusted by reassurance and people going out of their way to "help them." mostly due to the schizoids innate superiority complex (but has a stable ego, uneffected by praise or criticism) and because schizoids "already know" what theyre being reassured on.
its like youre insulting our intelligence and logical reasoning, essentially, since we are not intune with our emotions enough to accept emotional reassurance.
which i think killer also feels when it comes to swap. swap's attitude feels more like an insult than anything, which is different from color's laid-back approach.
"how dare you tell me something i already know?" kind of thing.
.°• ੈ♡₊˚•.
this is all for tonight. i might make a part 2 post tomorrow. its time for bed for me.
again tho i do not think killer is szpd. this is just a comparison for funsies.
why is this being posted? bc i can. have fun reading if you do.
☁️ SCHIZOID PHENOMENA, OBJECT RELATIONS, AND THE SELF by Harry Guntrip
(“The Picture of the Shut-In Individual,” starting at page.17)
The psychotherapist must be greatly concerned with those states of mind in which patients become inaccessible emotionally, when the patient seems to be bodily present but mentally absent. One patient said, “I don’t seem to come here”, as if she came in body but did not bring herself with her. She found herself in the same state of mind when she asked the young man next door to go on a walk with her. He did and she became tired, dull, unable to talk; she commented: “It was the same as when I come here: I don’t seem to be present.” Her reactions to food were similar. She would long for a nice meal and sit down to it and find her appetite gone, as if she had nothing to do with eating.
Complaints of feeling cut off, shut off, out of touch, feeling apart or strange, of things being out of focus or unreal, of not feeling one with people, or of the point having gone out of (page.17) life, interest flagging, things seeming futile and meaningless, all describe various ways this state of mind. Patients usually call it ‘depression’, but it lacks the heavy, black, inner sense of brooding, of anger and guilt, which are not difficult to discover in classic depression. Depression is really a more extraverted state of mind, which, while the patient is turning his aggression inwards against himself, is a part of a struggle not to break out into overt angry or aggressive behavior. The states described above are ‘schizoid states’. They are definitely introverted. Depression is object-relational. The schizoid person had renounced objects, even though he still needs them. (page.18)
External relationships seem to have been emptied by a massive withdrawal of the real libidinal self. Effective mental activity has disappeared into a hidden inner world; the patient’s conscious ego is emptied of vital feeling and action, and seems to have become unreal. You may catch glimpses of intense activity going on in the inner world through dreams and fantasies, but the patient’s conscious ego merely reports these as if it were a neutral observer not personally involved in the inner drama of which it is a detached spectator. The attitude of the outer world is the same: non-involvement and observation at a distance without any feeling, like that of a press reporter describing a social gathering of which he is not a part, in which he has no personal interest, and by which he is bored. (page.18)
These schizoid states may alternate between depression, and at times be confusedly mixed with it so that both schizoid and depressive signs appear. They are all degrees of intensity ranging from transient moods that come and go during a session, to states that persist over a long period, when they show very distinctively the specific schizoid traits. (page.18)
An example of a patient describing herself as depressed when she was really schizoid may be useful at this point. She opened the session by saying: “I’m very depressed. I’ve been just sitting and couldn’t get out of the chair. There seemed no purpose anywhere, the future blank. I’m very bored and want a big change. I feel hopeless, resigned, no way out, stuck. I’m wondering how I can manage somehow just to get around and (page.18) put up with it.” (Analyst: “Your solution is to damp everything down, don’t feel anything, give up all real relationship to people on an emotional level, and just “do things” in a mechanical way, be a robot.”) Her reaction brought out clearly the schizoid trait: “Yes, I felt this was dangerous. If I hadn’t made myself do something I’d have just sat, not bothered, not interested.” (Analyst: “That’s your reaction in analysis to me: don’t be influenced, don’t be moved, don’t be lured into reacting to me.”) Her reply was: “If I were moved at all, I’d feel very annoyed with you. I hate and detest you for making me like this. The more I’m inclined to be drawn towards you, the more I feel a fool, undermined.” (page.19)
The mere fact of the analyst’s presence as another human being with whom she needed to be emotionally real, i.e. express what she was actually feeling, created an emotional crisis in her with which she could only deal by abolishing the relationship. So her major defense against her anxieties was to keep herself emotionally out of reach, inaccessible, and keep everyone at arm’s length. (page.19)
(Living in an Internal World starting at page.19)
(a) Need of the Object and of internal Object Relations
He [schizoid] is driven by anxiety to cut himself off from all object-relations. Our needs, fears, frustrations, resentments and anxieties in our inevitable quest for good objects are the substance of psychopathology, because they are the real problem in life itself. When difficulties achieving and maintaining good object-relations are too pronounced, and human relations are attended with too great anxiety and conflict,, desperate efforts are often made to deny and eliminate this basic need. People go into their shell, bury themselves in work of an impersonal nature, abolish relations with actual people so far as they can, devote themselves to abstractions, ideals, theories, organizations, and so on. In the nature of the case these maneuvers cannot succeed and always end disastrously, since they are an attempt to deny our very nature itself. Clearly we cannot do that and remain healthy. (page.20)
The more people cut themselves off from human relations in the outer world, the more they are driven back on emotionally charged fantasied object-relations in their inner mental world, till the psychotic lives only in his inner world. (page.20)
Libri: U. Buttafava, A. Buttafava, E. Gentile, Beatles Maniac, Cluster-a
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