I've talked quite a bit about conflict, and arguments. I've also talked about how in arguments, we shouldn't be arguing to "win" but to solve the problem. These arguments should be done "fairly." But I've been asked, what is "fighting fair?" So, let's talk about that.
Before you begin your discussion, try and figure out why you're upset.
Sometimes, we're not upset for the reasons we think. Before confronting the other person, you should have an idea of what you're upset about. This might mean walking away to calm down and collect our thoughts before engaging.
Don't use degrading language or yell. Try and focus on the issue at hand and not attacking the other person. If this is a relationship you value and want to continue, it can be important to approach this with an openness to resolve the conflict, and that's more likely to happen if the other person doesn't feel attacked.
Take turns speaking. Both parties should have space to talk about their feelings. There should be space for each party to say their piece.
Try and find a compromise if relevant. Sometimes there isn't a perfect fix. In fact, there usually isn't. This might mean compromising. Maybe you're feeling frustrated your partner isn't pulling their weight because they keep skipping a certain chore. Maybe upon speaking to them, you find out why that is and for some reason, that specific chore just is too overwhelming or not feasible for them to do. In a case like this, a compromise might involve them taking on a different responsibility while you take on that chore. This would allow them to pull their weight in a different way, and you may not have to feel like it's all on you.
Express your feelings clearly. Don't hint at your feelings, or use an accusatory statement. This might mean saying "when you don't text me when you say you will, I feel worried about whether you're okay" instead of "You didn't text me when you said you would!" While it can be hard, I-Statements usually lead to a more open discussion and are less likely to leave the other person feeling defensive to where they may shut down. Here's a longer post I wrote about them.
DEAR MAN is an overall helpful skill to handle conflict. This skill helps you to express your needs in a way that is respectful of all parties involved and its goal is to reach a positive outcome.
GIVE is a skill that can be useful in how we approach conflict, and act during conflict. It's useful to use along with a skill like DEARMAN.
If you need to apologize, I wrote a post on that here.
It's important to note that this advice isn't for all circumstances. How I approach conflict depends on my relationship to the person. To someone like my life partner, or my best friend, my goal is always to preserve the relationship and have a positive outcome. Therefore, I will put in the extra effort to make that happen. I will aim to communicate with the intent of us solving the problem together.
With someone like a certain family member, I will say what I can to appease them for my own emotional safety. And I just want to say that that is so valid. Sometimes it isn't the time for us to confront someone for many reasons. It's okay if you can't do that.
Having conflict in a relationship is normal. What I think is more important in defining a healthy relationship is how you handle conflict together.
by the way if you're in a new relationship and someone tells you "oh! make sure to never have big important conversations/discuss conflict over text!" that's great advice sometimes but some people are just way better at communicating through text. there's no hierarchy to communication. use tone tags if you're really worried about being misconstrued! you can still be next to each other if you think that'll help. forcing someone to vocalize their thoughts can be really counterproductive.
Recently I joined a course for personal development on young people (ages 18-23) On our last class we talked about Non-violent communication.
And I wanted to use the opportunity to talk about what is it so more people can benefit from it :)
I don't want this to be really theory based, so I will be giving practical examples on how you can also implement this in your life,,
So, what is NVC?
Non-violent communication is based on human feelings and needs
The purpose is to create empathy for ourselves and others in order to cooperate with our needs and feelings, all in a non violent way
However, this creates the further question: What is violence, specifically when communicating?
Sure, "you're an idiot" and/or insulting people is violent. But did you know you can be violent in many different ways?
Judgement. Judgement comes from the belief that things are this or that, good or bad, right or wrong. some examples are:
"You did this wrong"
"That kind of people are evil"
"These people don't deserve that"
When we label people "X is so lazy" we create a distance between us
Comparisons. Comparing people, or ourselves, to others. When comparing something you're also making a judgement based statement in which something is "worse" than the other thing.
Too much or too little responsibility. Things like "I was late because of X" are denial of responsibility. While things like "I have to do X" Take too much responsibility. Changing the last one with "choosing to" rather than "have to" can help us a lot. With the first one, although I don't have a clear answer, just remember that it's something out of your control.
Making demands. this is NOT asking for help. Asking for something can be a demand if the other person feels like they'll be punished if they don't do it. Or telling the other person that they MUST do something.
These were some examples that came up in my class, but I'm sure there are more. These examples aren't meant to make you feel bad about yourself. Here it's a zone without judgement, even for ourselves. They're just to bring awareness to how we communicate.
What are the steps towards NVC? pt1
I'm separating this point in different ones as I want to talk about things in between
For starters everything starts at knowing what actually is empathy.
Empathy vs sympathy
We watched this video regarding empathy vs sympathy, which I'll talk about the things I took out, but feel free to watch the video for full understanding.
Empathy is bringing no judgment when talking with someone, or ourselves. It's listening, trying to understand.
The thing is, you can't ever truly understand someone, it's impossible. What I personally do is try to relate (in my head) the feeling they're explaining to me to something I went through in which I experienced the same feeling. This brings me close and makes me connect with the person.
And, when not knowing what to say, telling them/ourselves "I might not know what to say or fully understand you. But I am here, for you."
Sympathy on the other hand is trying to be 'nice' bringing unsolicited solutions, saying that it will get better, or saying that other people have it worse.
Sympathy creates a distance between you and the person you're trying to be "empathetic" with.
My advice, aside from the technique I'll talk about later is, when talking to people, ask them what they need. Sometimes they want advice, others they want a hug and a great listener
What are the steps towards NVC? pt2
I figured the best way to explain this is by giving you the same exercise that we did in class.
NVC is based on four things: Observation. Feeling. Need. Demand/action. I'll explain them later don't worry, the exercise we'll do will be based on these four things as well
This exercise helps me whenever I'm in a situation in which I don't see clearly or I'm stressing over. Also regarding other people.
Things you'll need:
A piece of paper
A pen/pencil
1. First draw two lines on the paper making it so there's four boxes on the paper, four spaces you can write on.
On the top left box write on top: Observation
On the top right write: Feeling
On the bottom left write: Needs
And on the bottom right write: Demand/action
2. Now let's think of a situation in which we want to work through. I'll be using a random example. The non-processed example is:
I come home to a disaster. I find plates broken on the floor, and utensils, and what is that? Fu- My favorite mug is broken on the floor. I want to cry. My roommate then comes and tells me she did it. Why can't anything work in my favour?
3. The first step is "observation" we gotta strip away all the judgement and get to the facts. Write down on the first box what is the fact of the problem.
There are broken plates, utensils, and my favourite mug broken on the floor
That's a fact, that's the neutral reality. This makes us see the problem for what it is, not how we felt on the moment.
4. Now we sit on that statement and we think, how does that make me feel? Where do I feel it in my body?
Sad. Rage. Grief. I feel a tightness in my chest.
5. What are the needs that come from the problem and help the feelings?
I need a connection (the mug I loved)
I need to cry (I am sad)
I need peace (I need the space to be clean and organized)
I need peace (today was stressful)
6. Now it's time to think of an action. This action is made to fulfill the need. And it has to be something you know will work. Or something you haven't tried yet. It's of no use to say "I'm going to use a schedule" if you know for a fact it won't help you or cover your needs.
I am going to allow myself to cry. (I need to cry)
I'm going to make a drawing for my broken cup, and get a new one (grief; need of connection)
I'm going to try out to watch a new movie and rest in the sofa (I need peace)
Extra thing. That process works for ourselves, but what about the roommate? How can we communicate non-violently how we felt and the situation?
1. Communicate the facts.
"There are broken plates and mugs on the floor" instead of "The floor is a mess" or "You broke my favorite mug"
2. Ask how they feel
(roommate) "I know, I was cleaning when the cabinet broke down. I cut myself and I just came back from putting on a bandaid. I'm sorry I broke your cup"
3. Find a solution that fits both of your needs
(roommate +) (me -)
- Thanks for apologizing, right now I need to lay down, process what happened, and maybe cry a bit.
+ I can clean up the plates
- Actually can you hug me and can we talk for a while? It's been a stressful day and I need connection with someone
+ I would love to, do you mind if I clean up quickly before tho? I need the space to be clean before I can concentrate
- Sure, thank you
Since this is a long post, I'm going to stop right here. Overall I hope I could help with the start of your journey towards non-violent communication ♡♡
Advice from an actually autistic person for actually autistic people: Don't settle for people who hang out with you in spite of your flaws. Find people who love you because of your flaws*. Surround yourself with people who don't just tolerate or pity you, but fully embrace who you are. I promise your social life will improve and the relationships you build with other people will be more satisfactory and long lasting.
*addendum below the cut
By "flaws," I mean the autistic traits people shame you for. Things like like difficulty with eye contact. Like your atypical facial expressions and body language and posture. Like your unusual intonation and cadence of speech and echolalia. Like your need for direct communication and tone indicators. Like your need for routine and predictability and preplanned activities. Like your special interests and infodumping. Like your sensory integration difficulties and sensory boundaries and stimming and meltdowns/shutdowns. Like the double empathy problem and hyper empathy and hypo empathy and fluctuating empathy. Like alexthymia and intense emotions and lack of (displays of) emotions. Like energy and spoons. Like, well, autism.
These are needs that should be accommodated and/or develope coping skills for on our own terms. Not problems that need fixing.
I do not mean racism/ mysogyny/ cisheterosexism/ ableism, repeatedly violating other people's boundaries, bullying, or refusing to listen and apologize (for real) and change when you are made aware of/called out for unnacceptable behavior. Autistic people (generally) not being actively malicious or intentionally rude does not make us immune to exhibiting toxic traits or holding predjudiced beliefs. Everyone needs to do anti-racist, anti-cisheterosexist, anti-mysogynist, anti-ableist work. Also I am begging my fellow NT passing autistics to stop throwing alexthemic, non-speaking, and high supports needs autistics under the bus. We arent all that different from each other and they deserve to be included and listened to as well.
hello! we're a median collective of 5,we don't have good communication with each other and we have amnesia between switches, is there any good way to strengthen our communication with each other? some of us are distant which makes it harder to contact and we don't front often (usually a few days where a headmate will front) so is there any tips?
Here's a few things that hopefully can help strengthen communication.
— IRL notes. Maybe a notebook where each one leaves a message, or.post its, or just a box to leave messages in.
— Twinote, an app that lets you post tweets from multiple accounts offline, to create your own, private ""twitter"" timeline! Might help organize communication and make it easier. One headmate tweets, other reacts or answers.
— Pluralkit and Discord, create a private server, proxies and just try and leave messages for your headmates to answer to with their own profiles!
— Meditation, concentrate on yourselves and on your headspace (if you have one, or just create a temporary ""space"") and try to gently nudge your headmates closer. Call out, talk. It'll get better with time.
Alright, I’m worried about y’all young people out there, I say as if I’m 40 or something, and so I’m here with some Advice From An Adult (meant for everyone, but may be most helpful for neurodivergent folks):
If you find yourself regularly avoiding a task (homework, showering, laundry), don’t beat yourself up about it, try to figure out what the problem is. Ask yourself why you’re avoiding the task? What about it is unpleasant for you? Is there some specific part of the task you don’t like? Is it a lack of energy overall? Do you have a negative association with this task?
Once you’ve IDed what the problem is as best you can, work with yourself to fix that problem. Again, do not beat yourself up. Instead, ask yourself what you could change about the task to make it more pleasant. This will go hand in hand with the next point.
There are no rules as long as you are kind to yourself and to others.
If folding clothes is tedious and annoying, don’t fold them. If you need 5 trash bins in your room or 3 laundry hampers, then have them. If you want to eat meals at different times, if you want to eat pasta for breakfast, if you want to wear a swimsuit in the shower, etc, go for it. Seriously. There are no actual rules to life and if changing how a task is ‘normally’ done makes it easier and more comfortable for you, then go for it.
When faced with criticism or someone saying you’ve done something wrong, especially if you are often quick to jump to “I’m the worst person in the world for this” or “Any criticism of me is a personal attack I must defend against”, take a deep breath and step back.
Take another deep breath, and then try to detach yourself from the situation. Go through a mental simulation of how you would feel if a friend of yours, or a sibling, or a stranger, had done what you did and got that same criticism? If someone else had gone through the exact same thing you are experiencing, and they asked you for advice, what would you tell them? Would you think that this other person is in the wrong? Would you tell them to beat themselves up about it for days on end? Would you want them to apologize, change, and move on? It’ll all vary depending on the exact situation, but it’s easier to process these things from an outside perspective.
Be kind to yourself, as kind as you would be to anyone else. You deserve the same kindness that you would offer to others.
This same principle of stepping back and asking yourself how you would advise a friend or a stranger to react to something is really effective for a lot of things. Unsure if you’re overreacting to what someone did to you? How would you feel if someone did the same thing to a friend? Wondering if you should bring up an issue you have with someone? Would you want a friend to talk to that same person?
Writing this process down can also help a lot to make it feel more real. As can explaining it to someone else.
Moving on, but on a related note: ask for help when you need it.
I know asking for help is scary, and it can make you feel guilty, but please learn how to do it anyways. If you would tell a friend to ask for help in your situation, then you should ask for help too.
A lot of times, people are actually happy to be helpful. Humans like to feel needed. Have you ever been asked for help, been able to help someone, and then gotten a good feeling afterwards? That’s how most people feel!
When asking for help, or asking for anything, keep these rules in mind for asking:
If you are asking someone (particularly someone in a position of authority over you) to fix something (ie, a grade, work hours, an accommodation) do not accuse them of causing the error on purpose. Even if you know that they did it on purpose, you do not want to turn this into a ‘you vs them’ situation. I know your frustration, but it will not serve you well.
Instead, frame your request as ‘both of you vs an outside force’. Imply in how you ask that both of you are on the same side in this, and give them an easy out for having made ‘a mistake’. Easy targets to blame include technology, forms getting missed, things not being in quite the right place etc.
Ideally, frame your request as the obvious answer, rather than a “would you maybe do this?”. (IE: “Hello (name), I was double checking the schedule and I noticed I was accidentally being put on shift Wednesday when I’m unavailable instead of my Thursday shift. Would you be able to fix that? Thank you (name)”)
If you’re asking an informational question for something you don’t know a lot about, ask your question first, then give background detail. You may not know enough about the topic to know what details are important or not, so start with what question you want answered, and then add specifics afterwards. (IE: “I’m trying to figure out what requirements I need to complete for this degree. I already have x/y/z, and I was told I needed t/r/e, and I have these requirements already planned, but am I missing any or not fulfilling them correctly?“)
In general, don’t apologize unless you have done something wrong. If you have done something wrong, and you regret it, then that is a case to apologize, but try to resist the urge to apologize for everyday things.
A great piece of advice I’ve seen is replacing the “I’m sorry” with “Thank you”. Rather then putting yourself down for minor slights, for talking for long periods, or for getting really into something, make the interaction positive by thanking the other person for their patience/time/attention.
Not only will this make you feel better over time, but it will also make the other person feel better about the interaction.
This also goes for asking for help/requesting things. Don’t apologize for needing help, thank the person for offering it.
In general, don’t put yourself down. We’ve talked about treating ourselves kindly already, but seriously, try to remove self-deprecating language from your vocabulary. It takes practice, but changing thought patterns always does, and it’s well worth the pay off.
A good rule of thumb is pausing to ask yourself ‘Would I say this about a friend?’ before you say it about yourself. Does it sound cruel to say it about a friend? Then don’t say it about you.
This goes for serious interactions, but it also goes for casual interactions too. Don’t put yourself down to lift others up. It’s not good for anyone involved.
“I really love your artwork, I could never do anything like this.” -> “I really love your artwork, my friend could never do anything like this.”
Is the second one something you’d say? No? Then don’t say the first one either. Again, Treat yourself as kindly as you treat others.
Okay, this post is getting long, but in summary, there are no rules to real life, treat yourself kindly, ask for help, and don’t apologize when you can say ‘thank you’ instead.
Oh also register to vote if you’re old enough (or check up on older friends to make sure they’re registered if you’re not), make sure you are voting on everything, and look into your local politics if you have the time/energy to do so. They’re often way more fun than you might think.
