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Negotiating with a terrorist

Some time ago I was involved in a hostage negotiation. The negotiation lasted 218 days before we reached a successful outcome. That was one of the hardest 7 months of my life. I got a lot of grey hairs, and I learned a little about human behavior. Now that there's been some distance between those events and the present, I'd like to share some of what I learned.

Growing up, I remember hearing "we don't negotiate with terrorists." Unfortunately, it's something I had to learn how to do. I'm not an expert, by far. There are people out there with a lot more experience in these types of high-stakes negotiations, however, this is some of the information that I used to get to an acceptable resolution, and this blog is an outlet that I use to share my unsolicited advice.

First, you have to stop thinking "it's us vs. them." You have to change your mindset into thinking about this as a collaborative effort. They're not the enemy, they are your counterpart. You're spinning in different directions, but you still need to work together with them here.

Next, take your best guess at your counterpart's perspective. Are they spouting a bunch of bullshit about how they're the real victim here? How life owes them? How somebody owes them? Get into their shoes to get into their head. It's not that you're buying their rhetoric, but you want them to think that you're looking out for their best interests, otherwise, they're not going to listen to a word you have to say.

Build rapport with them. Repeat back to them the last few words of what they just said, using an upwards inflection to indicate benign curiosity, or a downwards inflection to indicate they can elaborate because they haven't sold you on this idea, yet. The "yet" is the operative word. Give them the sense that you're really listening to understand, not to respond.

Use phrases like: "it sounds like," "it looks like," "it feels like," and reassure them that you are listening to what they're saying. For example, "it sounds like you're pretty tired of not being heard. Tell me, what's really going on?" or "it looks like you want to be taken seriously here. You've got my attention." or "it feels like you're in a really tough spot here. What do you need right now?"

You're not saying this because you're such a nice person, you are, but you're talking to a sociopath, you've gotta do a little acting. A lot of acting. You want to use your friendly, upbeat voice, like you're talking to a good buddy. That slows their brainwaves down and makes them feel safe. If you want to speed their brainwaves up and knock them off balance, talk fast and aggressively. If you want them to cool back off then use a slow cadence, deep tone, nice and easy, real slow.

Express a real interest in their point of view. Get them talking about all the absolute trash propaganda and their own narrative. Ramp up their sense of safety by respectfully acknowledging their emotions behind what they're saying. Paraphrase a little, let them know you're really here to listen to them. If they're holding back, prime them by guessing at what they're thinking and feeling. Learn to see suffering first.

Agree with them as much as you can. This might sound counterintuitive, but you've got to make them feel like you're really looking out for their best interests, so when they say something that you can agree with, focus on that.

Understand the difference between "You're right" and "That's right." "You're right" means "Shut up, please; I'm going to do what I like anyway." While "That's right" means "I now know that you understand where I'm coming from, and I agree with what you're saying."

Ask "no" oriented questions. People are more comfortable answering a question with "no" than they are with "yes." So, rephrase all of your questions that you want a "yes" to so that the answer you want is "no."

Let your own "no" out gently and only in teaspoonfuls. They're operating with a very self-centered mindset, so when you tell them "No" it's going to be like a slap in the face to them. Instead, ask "How am I supposed to do that?" They might tell you exactly how you're supposed to do that. So, say something like "It sounds like you've really thought this through. I'm sorry. I'm afraid that's just not going to be possible from my end." Compliment their intelligence and be apologetic. This person is an egomaniac, they'll eat that garbage for breakfast.

Get them to a point of cognitive overload by asking a rapid series of "how" and "what" questions. Any more than five and they'll be mentally exhausted. This can cause agitation, so be tactful of when you use this.

When negotiating you can't be so set on what you want that you wouldn't take something even better. Don't fixate on one outcome. Be open to the possibility that your best idea isn't actually the best idea.

One of your crucial objectives here is mutual respect. Don't dis the narcissist. Things will escalate if you start speaking disrespectfully. Use deference, tact, a calm approach, empathy (not sympathy), and let them know you respect them (especially if you hate their guts). Immediately apologize if you've said or done anything to offend them. Remember you're dealing with a totally self-absorbed human here.

Another thing to remember is you must be genuinely respectful. If you're faking it, they will be able to tell instantly. Don't be patronizing or condescending. It's very likely that they have been faking good intentions longer than you have, and they're most likely skilled in manipulation. So, don't even try to sound genuine, actually be genuine. You don't agree with them, you don't like them, but you do respect them.

Another critical objective here is finding a long-term mutually agreeable solution. You can always just shoot them once you get what you need, but don't focus on the short-term. Leave them looking forward to talking with you again. And then you can shoot them.

When you're in a good mood you're more likely to notice important details and make good decisions. The reverse of that is when you're in a bad mood you're more likely to miss important details and make bad decisions. So, do your damnedest to stay in a positive state of mind. Eliminate distractions, walk as much as you can (even just a 20-minute walk can clear your head and help your cognitive processing), eat well, sleep well, keep up with your hygiene and self-care, find the time to unwind and relax when you can. You can't afford to slip up on account of low blood sugar.

When you do get them to commit to something, make them spell out all the details. Ask questions. Lots of questions. Get precise answers, nothing ambiguous is going to go through. When they can visualize the outcome with you down to the smallest details, that is a very strong indicator that they really mean business here.

All of this takes practice. If you get in enough practice with negotiating in safe, low-stakes scenarios, like talking to your partner about dinner plans, or negotiating with a toddler about naptime, this will just start coming naturally to you.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of tools and tactics. I'm probably still traumatized by some of it and have forgotten a lot. I just felt like posting what I could recall while I still have some grey cells speaking to each other.

If you find yourself in a situation where you need to negotiate with a terrorist, a narcissist, a sociopath, or just a self-centered asshole, do yourself a service and research, research, research! Read every book you can get your hands on, watch every YouTube video and listen to every podcast on high conflict/high stakes conversations and negotiations, learn about psychology, biopsychosocial rhythms, read every blog, website, white paper, magazine article, and stone tablet you can find about human behavior. Exhaust every avenue and arm yourself to the teeth with knowledge.

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”

― Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Part II is now available.

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