#current self

[psalm40speakstome]

Lovely Runner Episode Two.

Hilarious, adorable and I love it but for real I don’t care how in love I thought I was with some other guy if that man moved next door to me I WOULD NOTICE.

[probablyscreamingintothevoid]

It wasn't even 10:30 when I read the message from my friend: "What you lack in your childhood is what you seek in your adulthood" with an upside down smiley face at the end.

I replied, "Eddie Munson???" immediately and as a joke because I can't stand a serious thought for more than a moment. But it felt disingenuous and dismissive, I could tell my friend had more to add to their thought so I followed up with, "On a serious note, this is so fucking true."

My friend either didn't catch my joke or is a saint and chose to overlook it, continuing the conversation with, "think of what Wayne is to Eddie" with another upside down smile. "Hopper to Eleven🙃" And to my serious note they said, "So you realized that already👀"

Of course I did, I wanted to respond. But I waited, giving myself a moment to process all of these things. I finally sent back, "Give me a broken father figure who works on bettering himself for his kid even if he thinks it's going to kill him." Barely thirty seconds pass but I start to worry. "This is something I crave. It's why I try to be so solid for my niece."

"And you actively write wholesome, fatherly acts in your fics whether you intentionally do so or not."

And shit if that didn't get me thinking just how telling writing can be. Of course I write about Wayne Munson and Jim Hopper. I know it is my inner child still begging my late father to look at his children with as much love as Hopper has for El. My childhood lacked a father who could over come his own personal demons and be present for his children, it almost lacked any father at all. How could I possibly not love Wayne Munson for how he defended his nephew up until the bitter end?

What you lack in your childhood is what you seek in your adulthood.

How very true this is. It is why I have given my original characters sound family units, a father or father figure always there to save the day. It is why, even in the brief amount of time I worked with the thought of Kirishima's father being a villain i made him a desperate man, not a bad one that would hate his child for wanting to become a hero. It is why I have spent weeks writing thousands of words about how steady a presence Wayne is for Eddie, how he and Hopper collectively ensure that none of those children ever feel alone again. It is why Otabek has grown up in my story believing that his step father is his dad and why that doesn't change even once he is told the truth, because that man is his dad.

While I'm here sharing my truth I should add that it is the reason I write so much relapse and recovery. I gave Kirishima an older sibling who uses drugs until it tears him apart. but after years of struggling he begins to recover, finally able to be a good big brother, both of them happier than they ever imagine possible. It is what my younger self never got and what my current self still longs for.

What you lack in your childhood is what you seek in your adulthood.

How true this is. My God how it shapes you and all you give to the world.

[rainebowkitty]

Past Self vs Now Self Tag Game!

Another fresh post since the original was real lonk. I was tagged by the lovely @roseinbloom02 to use this Picrew in order to make my past self (left) and my now self (right)!

I wasn’t particularly liked in my youth and I’ve always been a crybaby who survives regardless? Idk, I’ve been through stuff, but it doesn’t bother me as much as it could other people. I’ve literally been told I seem like someone who has a pressing issue at hand, but then once I bottle it, I also just forget about it and therefore stay unbothered XD

Anyway, currently I’m much happier with lots of wonderful friends (I’m including you all who support me here too <3) and just a better life despite a few discrepancies. I grew my hair out a lot, and I mean a lot. I still tend to cry bunches over certain things, but I know it doesn’t make me weak. I just hate worrying my friends if it happens in public over something kinda dumb.

Tags (if you’d rather not participate, that’s totally fine): 

@ji-yaaan @muraenxdae @twstpasta @hananeneheaven @thetwstwildcard @its-nyakemi-nya @yandere-of-your-dreams @takumipineapplexd​ @yandere-romanticaa​ and anyone who wants to for funsies (seriously, say I tagged you, coward! Or don’t. That’s fine too)! 

[aurademortt]

[softspiral]

I am girl turned mess, Turned panic, I am full to the brim with liquor bottles And smoke, All gasoline, scrambling For matches so I have something To consume Besides myself. Ribs afflicted with a sickness down To the marrow, My heart hurts, My tongue is bitten off – Take my teeth, They only chatter Or rot.

[everythingunderthestarsthings]

transformation - powerful as it is - is painful

Today being a day nearing the eve of July, the 7th month of the year, I wanted to take a moment to reflect on the past six months.

Close friends of mine know I’ve been trying to figure out who I really am, and what kind of person I want to be. When you grow up with a set of pre-conceived notions and truths, it’s hard to unlearn and break the foundations of your personality and see what’s left…

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I have to kill my self.

[philipchircop]

CREATE YOUR FUTURE SELF