#discussions of

[boundlessentity]

Need to put my thoughts and feelings into the universe rn and what is the internet if not a backup therapist, amirite?

I’m reading an excellent fic at the moment where the cast all have disabilities and the author is showing the audience a piece of disability culture. It’s great, but it’s got me feeling things about my own life that I don’t love to think about.

I have epilepsy, like one of the characters from the fic, but I can’t help looking at him and myself in comparison and people diagnosed with epilepsy in general and feel confused and kind of icky. Epilepsy is generally considered an invisible disability, to the best of my knowledge, but I feel like a dirty liar for even thinking that maybe I’m a person with a disability. I felt terrible about myself the one time I said I had a disability to my friends, when there was literally a person with hearing aids and an actual disability in the car, like I was trying to say what we go through is even remotely similar.

I haven’t had any of the characteristic experiences of the disabled community, only had great doctors and access to whatever I needed quickly, my seizures are only when I’m sleeping so it’s not something I think about during the day, and my seizures are medicated and controlled.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled to be approaching four years seizure-free, but even before that my seizures were months apart. Yes, I wear a monitor to bed so my emergency contacts will be notified if I have a seizure, and yes I still live in my hometown and can’t travel by myself because something might happen, but I’m not really disabled by my epilepsy. It doesn’t really affect my daily life, and I somehow feel guilty about that?

I feel like a liar when I say I have epilepsy, because it’s not really epilepsy, is it? I’m fine. I really don’t have it that bad. I feel guilty for inconveniencing my family like this, and I feel like I’m being a fucking drama queen about it all. I feel like if someone says they have epilepsy too, we’re talking about different things.

Maybe it’s some kind of fucked up imposter syndrome, I don’t know. Maybe it’s me looking for diversity points in a culture that values that sort of thing, which is worse.

At the end of the day, I have no clue. I don’t think I have an invisible disability? I’m not epileptic enough to count, but I’m too epileptic to be normal. I hate thinking about this, because I can never land on a conclusion and having a disability, not having a disability, and not knowing are all shit options. End of words.

[last-capy-hupping]

Chapter 32 of AWY, featuring the first of many tough conversations.

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

[probablyscreamingintothevoid]

It wasn't even 10:30 when I read the message from my friend: "What you lack in your childhood is what you seek in your adulthood" with an upside down smiley face at the end.

I replied, "Eddie Munson???" immediately and as a joke because I can't stand a serious thought for more than a moment. But it felt disingenuous and dismissive, I could tell my friend had more to add to their thought so I followed up with, "On a serious note, this is so fucking true."

My friend either didn't catch my joke or is a saint and chose to overlook it, continuing the conversation with, "think of what Wayne is to Eddie" with another upside down smile. "Hopper to Eleven🙃" And to my serious note they said, "So you realized that already👀"

Of course I did, I wanted to respond. But I waited, giving myself a moment to process all of these things. I finally sent back, "Give me a broken father figure who works on bettering himself for his kid even if he thinks it's going to kill him." Barely thirty seconds pass but I start to worry. "This is something I crave. It's why I try to be so solid for my niece."

"And you actively write wholesome, fatherly acts in your fics whether you intentionally do so or not."

And shit if that didn't get me thinking just how telling writing can be. Of course I write about Wayne Munson and Jim Hopper. I know it is my inner child still begging my late father to look at his children with as much love as Hopper has for El. My childhood lacked a father who could over come his own personal demons and be present for his children, it almost lacked any father at all. How could I possibly not love Wayne Munson for how he defended his nephew up until the bitter end?

What you lack in your childhood is what you seek in your adulthood.

How very true this is. It is why I have given my original characters sound family units, a father or father figure always there to save the day. It is why, even in the brief amount of time I worked with the thought of Kirishima's father being a villain i made him a desperate man, not a bad one that would hate his child for wanting to become a hero. It is why I have spent weeks writing thousands of words about how steady a presence Wayne is for Eddie, how he and Hopper collectively ensure that none of those children ever feel alone again. It is why Otabek has grown up in my story believing that his step father is his dad and why that doesn't change even once he is told the truth, because that man is his dad.

While I'm here sharing my truth I should add that it is the reason I write so much relapse and recovery. I gave Kirishima an older sibling who uses drugs until it tears him apart. but after years of struggling he begins to recover, finally able to be a good big brother, both of them happier than they ever imagine possible. It is what my younger self never got and what my current self still longs for.

What you lack in your childhood is what you seek in your adulthood.

How true this is. My God how it shapes you and all you give to the world.

[chuchudance]

Wet Ass Pussy is a contradictory concept. The ass and the pussy are diametrically opposed openings, but as a whole they become a metaphorical icon of lust. Tell me, Will, are you the ass, or the pussy?

[toriasimmons]

au meme (otherwise known as shameless wish fulfillment)

when all-star college football player Ward invites four of his “friends” - brainy transfer student Fitz, activist/hacker/conspiracy theorist/casual stoner Daisy, aspiring doctor (and champion boytoy) Lincoln, and wide-eyed bookworm Jemma - for a weekend at his uncle’s cabin, they figure it’s just going to be swimming in the lake and drinking a little too much beer. what they don’t know is that sinister forces are targeting them, and after the boys get horrifically dropped one by one, it’s up to Daisy and Jemma to hold each other together, figure out what’s going on, and save themselves - and possibly the world.

(a Cabin in the Woods-inspired Agents of SHIELD altverse)

[detectivejigsawpines]

Another funny Gravity Falls dialogue idea

I imagine Ford is a big fan of Star Trek, and likes to think of himself as being a human version of Mr. Spock-until one day Stan points out to him that personality-wise, he has more in common with Dr. McCoy.

“What?!”

Stan stares at him flatly.  “You’re about as stoic as a chihuahua, Poindexter.”

Ford sulks for the rest of the day.

[luckthebard]

Trauma, Faith, and Caleb Widogast

*As often with my Caleb meta, this is going to draw heavily from my personal feelings and experiences, not all people experience trauma the same way, etc.

I find it interesting that Caleb “I don’t believe in anything” Widogast is consistently interested in, encouraging of, and respectful of the other character’s religious beliefs (the only real exception here is an objection to the Betrayer Gods, which seems understandable). He asks Jester about the Traveler and tries to talk to him. Tells her “you have faith so you should have faith” when they discuss casting high level spells. When Molly first mentioned worshiping the Moonweaver, an outlawed goddess, Caleb’s only response was to say “I am satisfied” with Molly’s whole personal reveal. He’s interested in how Jester and Caduceus cast spells. He picked up a symbol to the Archeart, another illegal god, while in the merrow den, but Liam described it to Matt only by the shapes and as “from my memory” so it’s possible, being raised in the repressive Empire, he doesn’t even know what god that symbol is for. And while he perhaps took it only for the comfort of the memory, he hasn’t touched it or done anything with it since.

My theory therefore, is that due to trauma, Caleb admires the idea that faith can bring comfort, but cannot find it for himself.

I imagine Caleb might have been raised to casually worship one of the Empire approved deities; perhaps the Dawnfather because his parents were farmers. Or perhaps we might consider his first “religion” to have been blind belief in the Empire itself. But - and here’s where my own experience with trauma comes in - something earth-shatteringly horrible happening in childhood is a pretty good way to lose all ability to have faith in the religion you were raised in. This can also happen if people start to disagree with something serious within the institution or ideology of that religion. A few things tend to happen. Some people reject religion altogether, and condemn the idea broadly. Some people will seek out other faiths, if they like the idea of maintaining some kind of religious comfort, but just not in the same way as the faith they lost. But there’s something else that can happen where, as much as someone might learn about and admire the tenants and ideologies and histories of many religions, they just cannot find the ability to believe that way anymore. The shattering of that first faith was too complete.

So what happens is not the kind of rejection of religion that leads to a condemnation of all forms of faith as naive. Rather, it’s a personal rejection of religion that leads to wistful musings about perhaps finding another belief system, but never being able to take the leap. My understanding is that Caleb might be interested in the idea of religious faith, but due to his life experiences can’t let go, or let down his guard or personal understanding of the world enough to find it. 

I do think the loss of that first belief in the Empire is what allowed him to open up his empathy to the outlawed religions. It’s not even just a “he doesn’t care enough to turn them in” thing, he’s seemed to respect the belief system of every outlawed worshiper they’ve encountered. That’s an empathy that’s surprising to a certain degree, but ties into the idea that his trauma might have made him more empathetic to the histories and comforts of faith, without having his own.

While trauma along these lines can lead to anger, it can also lead to a distant feeling of respect that’s coupled with a firm understanding that this can never be something the traumatized person can have. The first one, the anger, is just as valid and perhaps more so depending on the situation, but the second one happens too. And it’s something I’ve been thinking about since Caleb declared he didn’t believe in anything - because I believe him that he doesn’t, but that’s rarely stopped him from supporting his friends (especially Jester) in their own faith.