James always likes to fret over Regulus, much to Reggie's annoyance, but the second something happens to James, Regulus loses his shit entirely and goes BALLISTIC.
Regulus has definitely flipped a table for James before you cannot debate me on this I'm sorry.
It was one of those long, dragging Thursday afternoons where the sky outside was pissing down rain, the library smelled like dust and despair, and even Filch’s yelling had lost its sting. No Quidditch, no classes, and no immediate drama. Just the corridor outside the Charms classroom, where the Gryffindor mob had gathered like bored lions, hunting for chaos.
“I’m so fucking bored I’m about to hex my own foot just for entertainment,” James Potter groaned, flopping dramatically backwards onto the stone bench like a dying swan.
“I vote we prank the Ravenclaws,” Fabian said, arms crossed, eyes glittering with mischief. “They deserve it for being so… bloody clever all the time.”
“They helped you with your Transfiguration essay last week,” Alice Fortescue reminded, raising a brow.
“Yes, and they were very smug about it,” Fabian sniffed. “Intolerable.”
“Let’s do something fun,” Lily Evans muttered, twirling her wand between her fingers. “Not stupid. Fun.”
“Define the difference,” Sirius said, leaning against the wall with a lazy smirk. “Because I’ve found the line between the two is usually where I thrive.”
Mary Macdonald, Marlene McKinnon, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Gideon Prewett, and Frank Longbottom were all slouched nearby in various states of sloth. Peter had conjured a pocket-sized jellyfish that hovered above his hand like a squishy balloon. Remus looked like he was halfway into a nap. Gideon was stealing sips of whatever was in Marlene’s flask.
The hall echoed with yawns and sarcastic mutterings. The vibe was feral boredom.
Then—
BAM.
A door flung open at the far end of the hallway.
Heavy, hurried footsteps slapped against the stone.
Regulus Arcturus Black.
Hair windblown. Tie askew. Coat flaring behind him like some dramatic little Victorian ghost in a rush. He stormed down the hall at full tilt, not even sparing the Gryffindor group a glance. His grey eyes were locked, sharp and frantic.
The group froze mid-conversation. Neck snaps. Eyes narrowed.
“Oi,” James said automatically, already standing. “What the fuck do you want, Slytherin?”
Regulus didn’t flinch. Didn’t even glance. Didn’t even breathe in their direction.
He went straight to Sirius.
That was weird.
Like—capital letters WEIRD.
Sirius, who had been lounging against the wall like a prince in a trench coat, blinked as his younger brother skidded to a halt in front of him.
“Sirius,” Regulus said breathlessly, cheeks flushed, rain in his curls. “I need money.”
The silence was immediate and violent.
The Gryffindors stared.
Regulus’s voice was tight, fast, urgent. “It’s for this Quidditch gear. Custom order. Limited run. I’ve been saving but it’s expensive and Mother won’t give me a single fucking Knut—”
“You’re joking,” Marlene whispered.
“Oh my God,” Mary whispered louder.
Regulus, completely ignoring them, panted, “It’s in Hogsmeade. Special drop. Only available this weekend. I need it, Sirius. I’ll pay you back.”
Sirius grinned slow and wide, arms folded across his chest.
“Well, well, well,” he drawled. “Look who’s come crawling.”
Regulus groaned. “Sirius—”
“You know the rules, baby brother,” Sirius cooed. “What do you do when you want something from your big brother?”
The Gryffindors collectively leaned forward.
Regulus muttered something under his breath.
Sirius tilted his head.
“Didn’t catch that,” he said innocently, hand cupping his ear.
Regulus stomped his foot. Actually stomped.
“Fine,” he hissed, eyes flashing. Then, with the most aggressive pout any of them had ever seen, he stepped forward, grabbed Sirius by the collar of his robes, and leaned up on tiptoes.
“Please,” he said through gritted teeth. “You stupid fucking smug bastard. Please.”
Sirius beamed.
“There we go.”
And then Regulus did it—did the thing that apparently was tradition in the Black household since the dawn of time. He clung.
Like a needy little cat. Arms around Sirius’s waist, face smooshed into his chest, voice a sugary coo as he whined up at him.
“Please, Siri,” Regulus purred. “You’re the best. You’re so generous. You’re so tall. I love you so much. You’re so good to me. You’re my favourite big brother—”
“I’m your only big brother.”
“Shhh.”
Sirius grinned like Christmas. Wrapped both arms around Regulus’s waist and gave him a smug, squishy squeeze.
Lily Evans was halfway to cardiac arrest. Marlene’s flask dropped to the floor with a clang. Remus made a strangled sound.
“Here,” Sirius said, digging into his pocket. He pulled out a handful of Galleons and handed them to Regulus.
Regulus counted. His face immediately soured.
“This isn’t enough.”
“Excuse me?”
“I told you—it’s expensive. Like, ridiculous.”
“How much are we talking?”
Regulus named a number.
The Gryffindors gasped in unison.
“That’s like… that’s like three months’ rent,” Frank blurted.
“For you,” Sirius snorted. “Peasant.”
He looked down at Regulus.
“You’re such a spoiled little brat,” he said fondly. “Alright. What else do I get?”
Regulus groaned again, louder this time. “You’re the worst.”
“Payment in advance,” Sirius said cheerfully.
Regulus huffed.
Then—
He really leaned in this time. Wrapped his arms around Sirius’s neck. Swayed a little. Let his voice go real soft.
“Please, Siri,” he whispered, batting his eyelashes. “Please, pretty please? You’re so smart and handsome and your hair looks so good today and you’re soooo generous and I’m your baby brother and I’ll love you forever and ever—”
Sirius was glowing.
He grabbed Regulus by the hips, picked him up slightly so the smaller boy was lifted onto his tiptoes, and smooched him square on the lips.
Like a real kiss.
Like a cooing, doting, squishy, familial-but-too-intimate KISS.
“Be a good boy and ask again,” Sirius murmured.
Regulus kissed him back. Nuzzled into his neck. “Please, Siri. You’re the best brother in the world.”
The Gryffindors absolutely imploded.
Peter screamed.
Remus choked on his own spit.
Mary clutched her chest.
Marlene shouted, “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON—”
“Am I high? Did I smoke something? Did someone dose me?” James demanded, spinning in circles.
Alice stared like she was watching the end of civilisation.
Fabian looked seconds from passing out.
Gideon just whispered, “I’m gonna write about this in my journal.”
“Here,” Sirius said, shoving a small velvet pouch into Regulus’s hands. “Take what you need. Get the thing. Get two.”
Regulus beamed.
“Thanks, Siri!” he shouted, and launched himself at his brother one more time, arms around his neck, kissing his cheek, grinning like he’d just won the lottery.
He shoved the money in his pockets and ran off, skipping like a Victorian orphan who just got adopted by a sugar daddy.
As he disappeared down the corridor, laughing manically, Sirius turned back to his friends, absolutely preening.
“Anything you lot need while I’m feeling generous?” he asked smugly.
No one answered.
Because no one was breathing.
James was staring at him like he’d never seen him before.
“Did your brother just—did he just—what the actual—”
“Did you two just kiss on the—what the fuck—”
“I need to lie down,” said Lily.
“I need to die,” said Fabian.
Sirius smirked.
“Oh, relax,” he said. “We’re just affectionate.”
“THAT WASN’T AFFECTION,” Mary screamed. “THAT WAS FOREPLAY.”
Sirius shrugged. “You’re just mad your little brother doesn’t love you like that.”
“I don’t have a little brother!”
“Exactly.”
James flailed. “Are you trying to seduce him?!”
“Too late if so,” Sirius said cheerfully.
And then he winked.
WINKED.
The hallway erupted into chaos.
The Gryffindors were screaming.
Like, actual screaming. Echoing through the hallway, bouncing off the stones, full-bodied, hand-clutching-the-wall, double-over, near-cardiac-arrest screaming.
“What the FUCK was that?!”
“Did we just—did I dream that—?”
“I think I threw up in my mouth a little—”
“YOU KISSED YOUR BROTHER ON THE MOUTH.”
“I NEED TO BE EXORCISED.”
Sirius Black, meanwhile, was standing like some smug Greek god, glowing under the flickering torchlight, arms crossed and head tilted at a confident angle that screamed Yeah, and?
“Oh calm down,” he said, rolling his eyes, “You lot are acting like I shagged him in front of the Fat Lady.”
“YOU KISSED HIM,” James roared.
“ON THE LIPS!” added Peter, pointing accusingly like he was presenting evidence at a murder trial.
“He kissed me,” Sirius said, so unbothered. “And that was barely a kiss. That was a little smooch. A peck. He didn’t even use tongue—tragic, honestly—”
“SIRIUS.”
“Alright, alright,” Sirius laughed, pushing off the wall and cracking his neck. “You lot are acting like this is news. That was nothing. He used to crawl into bed with me and do all that when we were ten.”
“WHAT?!” Lily shrieked.
Marlene physically recoiled. “Oh my GOD—”
“Not like that!” Sirius huffed, hands flying up. “Jesus, you’re all so weird.”
“We’re weird?!” Frank exclaimed. “You trained your brother like he’s some sort of... of—”
“Dog,” Gideon said, nodding. “Reg’s a trained lapdog.”
“Excuse me?” Sirius snapped, instantly offended. “He is not a dog. Regulus is an expensive purebred kitten. One of those rare ones you keep in silk-lined boxes and feed by hand. He’s precious. He purrs.”
“He purrs?!” Remus choked.
“Absolutely. If you scratch behind his ear.”
Lily looked like she needed to sit down. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
But Sirius was already waxing poetic.
“Look,” he said, tone flipping instantly into dreamy nostalgia, “Reg’s always been like that. Always mine. My baby brother. He’s spoiled as hell, always has been. I trained him like that when we were kids. I had to.”
“Had to?!” Mary blinked. “What does that even mean?!”
Sirius gave a crooked, nonchalant shrug. “Mum and Dad didn’t give a shit about us, yeah? They ignored me first. So I figured—fuck it, if I’m not getting love from them, I’ll make someone love me.”
Everyone was quiet for a beat.
Then Sirius grinned, all teeth. “So I trained my baby brother.”
“You—trained—him?” Remus said, slowly.
“Yep.”
“You made him act like this?” Marlene whispered, halfway between awe and horror.
“Absolutely. Since he was tiny. I taught him everything. Like—everything.”
He counted off on his fingers. “The pout? Me. The big sad eyes? Also me. The clinging and smooching and cuddling and begging for money with kisses and compliments and nuzzles and calling me pretty? Me. All of it. All mine.”
Peter gawked. “You built yourself a baby boyfriend.”
“Brother!” Sirius barked, scandalised.
Remus muttered, “You kissed him, man.”
Sirius waved him off. “He’s so fucking cute. You’ve seen him. Tiny little thing. Great cheekbones. Puppy dog eyes. Kisses so sweet they’d make a Veela cry. I melt every time. Cracks me like an egg. That’s my baby.”
Frank was hyperventilating. “He doesn’t even know it’s weird?!”
James was still pacing. “You corrupted him! You raised a clingy little cash-swindling nuzzling kissing machine!”
“I crafted him,” Sirius corrected proudly. “He’s my greatest work.”
Gideon held up a hand. “Okay, okay, hold on. So, wait—you’re telling us that since he was little, Regulus has been doing all that because you told him to?”
“Yep,” Sirius said cheerfully. “I made him practice his pout in the mirror.”
“Oh my god,” Alice whispered.
“Anytime he wanted anything from me growing up—new broom, sweets, sneaking out to the garden, borrowing my stuff—he had to earn it. I told him exactly how.”
“What do you mean ‘how’?” Marlene asked, suspiciously.
Sirius smirked. “By being cute. Clingy. Begging real nice. Kisses. Compliments. The whole package. He does the voice now—you heard the voice, right?”
“Sirius, pleaseeeee,” James mocked in a high-pitched whimper.
“Exactly!” Sirius snapped, delighted. “You get it.”
Remus dragged a hand down his face. “You are so sick in the head.”
“You’re all jealous,” Sirius said.
“We are concerned,” Lily hissed.
“He’s not even embarrassed,” Peter said. “He just doesn’t want people watching, that’s all.”
“Exactly,” Sirius said proudly. “He didn’t even flinch when I kissed him. He just got embarrassed ‘cause you lot were here.”
Marlene blinked. “So… you’ve done more?”
Sirius hesitated.
Remus narrowed his eyes. “Sirius.”
Sirius gave a sheepish shrug. “I mean… nothing bad. But I’m working on it. Gotta be slow, strategic. Don’t wanna scare him off. But I want him to give more. Do more. Be mine more.”
James flatlined. “You’re in love with your brother.”
Sirius was quiet for a second.
“...Maybe.”
“OH MY GOD,” everyone shrieked.
“YOU ABSOLUTELY ARE.”
“I knew it—”
“I hoped it wasn’t true—”
“WHY IS HE SO PROUD OF THIS?!”
Remus turned to the heavens. “This is not how families are supposed to work!”
Sirius didn’t even care.
He was smiling like a cat who'd licked the cream and stolen the canary too.
“Y’know,” he said, “Reg’s been wearing the necklace I gave him for three years. Hasn’t taken it off once. I charmed it to buzz whenever I want his attention.”
“You leashed him,” Lily gasped.
“I gifted him a magical reminder that I love him. You’re all freaks.”
“You raised him like a personal boyfriend pet!”
“I raised him because no one else would!” Sirius snapped suddenly, voice sharp. “He was a sad little quiet kid who just wanted someone to love him. And I did. And he loved me back. He still does. He just doesn’t know that what he’s doing isn’t normal because I made sure he never questioned it.”
The hallway went quiet.
“...I’m not sure if I’m touched or traumatised,” Marlene whispered.
“Both,” said Alice. “Definitely both.”
“And now,” Sirius continued breezily, flipping his hair, “I’m just waiting for the right moment to get more out of him. Something real. Something big. I’m playing the long game.”
James blinked slowly. “You are unhinged.”
“Maybe,” Sirius said with a smile. “But have you seen my baby brother? Worth it.”
They all stood there, stunned.
Far off in the distance, somewhere down the corridor, a familiar cackle echoed—light and airy and smug as hell.
Regulus, off to spend his money.
Sirius turned toward the sound like a man under a spell.
“God, I love that boy.”
“THERAPY,” the Gryffindors all screamed in unison.
