Creo que me estoy cansado de idealizar tu egocentrismo.
No sabia que el precio de amarte sería mi propia alma qué se está desintegrando con cada mirada tuya.
No sabia que que tus espinas lastimarían mis pétalos.
No sabia que una vez mostrándote mis heridas ibas a volver abrirlas, solo por pura satisfacción de verlas sangrar, pero ahora a costa de tu manos que me queman y lastiman.
Hello. I'm an INFP girl and I've always had problems with my INTP mom. She's always been emotionally absent and distant and that has always bothered me. We don't understand each other at all, for example I'm trying to tell her my problems and she just wants me to look for a solution, which makes me feel worse and very lonely. Other times I have cried a lot and she just stares at me like a robot, or sometimes she even explodes and acts like a 3 year old throwing and angry tantrum. Why is she like that? Yes, I know she has inferior Fe, but her behavior is very offputting to me and her cold stare triggers me. Is it possible for INTPs to give you emotional support or that would be to bizarre and illogical for them? I crave for her emotional support but I don't know if she can give me that. She has never been there for me in ways that truly matter, it's like she lives in another universe detached from everything.
I have discussed before that parent-child relationships are the most complicated and difficult relationships to sort out. What factors make them complex? Communication issues, role issues, behavioral issues, dependence issues, power differential issues, moral issues, personality issues, adjustment issues, developmental issues, projection issues… to name a few.
You didn't mention your age, so how old are you? Age is important because it will directly affect your ability to comprehend the above issues. It sounds like you are full of blame and anger, which is counterproductive, as it leads you to mischaracterize and misunderstand your mom. Are you able to step back from your personal feelings and get a more objective view of the situation?
Generally speaking, the younger you are, the less time and opportunity you have had for healthy ego development, and the more likely you are to be dependent on others to fulfill your needs. Adolescence (12-18) is the time when people should be gradually learning independence and self-sufficiency in getting their needs met. Young adulthood (18-25) is the time when people should be letting go of the last vestiges of dependence on parents/caregivers. However, in reality, ego development doesn't always proceed in an ideal manner. There are many factors that can slow or impede an individual's development.
One factor is personality. It is not uncommon for Fs to be slower than Ts at becoming independent. Due to having a higher F function, they tend to have a higher need for emotional and moral support from others (and then falter without it). Due to having a lower T function, they may experience more difficulty analyzing and solving problems on their own (and then repeat mistakes). This is not to say that they are doomed to struggle with independence; it is only to say that they may be late bloomers when compared to Ts.
However, before you go lamenting the fact that you are F, remember that all types are equal, in that they all have their fair share of burdens to carry. Due to having a higher T function, Ts tend to have a greater need for independence and freedom from emotional burdens. Due to having a lower F function, they may experience more difficulty learning how to recognize emotional needs and fulfilling them, both in themselves and others. This is not to say that they are doomed to struggle with emotional fulfillment; it is only to say that they may be late bloomers when compared to Fs.
Is it not reasonable for people to get frustrated when they struggle with learning something that they have less aptitude for? It's important to recognize that you are both struggling in the same way, just with opposing aspects of personality development. And this internal struggle will inevitably reveal itself externally, in the relationship, every time you press on each other's sore spots. You are confused about why your mom can't offer more emotional support? From her perspective, she is just as confused about why you can't be more independent and self-sufficient, which she likely was at your age. You blame her, which implies you think she is in the wrong and you are right, but is that really true? This brings us to the next point…
Another major factor that impedes ego development is persistent egocentrism. Egocentrism means that one's vision does not extend beyond oneself and, as a consequence, one treats other people merely as objects to satisfy one's own needs rather than as unique subjects in their own right. While all people are naturally egocentric to a certain extent because of the basic need for physical survival, persistent egocentrism is maladaptive because it blocks empathy development and healthy relationship formation. In extreme cases, persistent egocentrism can morph into destructive narcissism.
Generally speaking, children start off very egocentric because their world is very small and their needs are very immediate. But as one gets older and more independent, one gains more and more experience of the world that should gradually broaden one's perspective. As such, one's concerns ought to eventually expand beyond oneself into the external world at large. However, this progression doesn't always go accordingly for a variety of reasons.
One big reason is growing up in an unsupportive environment. When children don't have their physical and/or psychological needs adequately met by caregivers, they, quite reasonably, become very preoccupied with their unmet needs. This can manifest as overdependence or "craving" (desperately seeking fulfillment from others), anxiety (always fearing that one's needs will never be met), withdrawal (resigning oneself to always having unmet needs), aggression or hostility (always blaming others for one's problems).
No matter how it manifests, the key point is that the child remains persistently egocentric into adulthood, excessively preoccupied with their unmet needs. Most importantly, since they didn't learn the right lessons about how to get their needs met in childhood, they develop unhealthy patterns of seeking satisfaction in all the wrong ways in adulthood.
A rational person would understand that it is illogical and futile to seek emotional support from a person who is incapable of providing it, not unlike trying to extract blood from a stone. However, an egocentric person isn't rational. Since they are self-preoccupied, they inadvertently treat their own needs as more important than others'. And since they view people merely as objects for personal use, they place unreasonable expectations on others to fulfill their needs. Such self-absorption is a common cause of relationship conflict.
With all that in mind, if you truly want to address relationship problems in the right way, here are the steps you ought to take:
1) Empathy: Have you taken into consideration the perspectives of everyone involved in the conflict (or do you insist on believing that only one party is to blame)? Have you objectively analyzed and identified the underlying factors/causes of the conflict (or do you insist on believing that "personal moral failure" is the one and only simple explanation)?
2) Needs: Everyone has the same psychological needs, but not everyone ranks their needs in the same way. For example, Ts rank independence higher than emotional support when compared to Fs. Have you identified and understood the unmet needs of both yourself and the other party (or do you only care about your own needs)? Have you understood exactly which unmet needs are coming into conflict in the relationship? Have you properly considered whether you are capable of meeting their needs AND whether they are capable of meeting yours? Reciprocity is necessary for a relationship to be healthy and grow over time.
3) Communication: Have you communicated your needs in a neutral and objective way that helps the other party recognize and understand what they are? Have you communicated your needs in a way that properly instructs the other party on the best way to meet your needs, in the event that they don't know how to proceed? Have you really heard the other party when they express their capabilities, with regard to being unable to meet your needs?
4) Alternatives: If, through good communication, it has been established that the other party is unable to meet your needs or even meet you halfway for whatever reason, have you considered other healthy, possibly better methods of getting your needs met? Have you considered ALL your options and do you know how to choose the better option? (I.e. Have you developed Ne enough to be a creative problem solver?)
Yes, it is a sad fact that many children grow up in unsupportive homes. Such children are more likely to develop maladaptive attachment styles and suffer from mental health issues like depression and anxiety. However, suffering privation in childhood doesn't have to stop you from developing into a healthy adult. The key is that you have to take your development into your own hands.
It is important to address the challenges you have with your parents, otherwise, those unhealthy relationship dynamics can easily carry forward and recur in your future relationships. Today you are desperately seeking validation from mom, tomorrow it might be your boss or your spouse.
The way to resolve relationship problems is to learn how to put relationships into the right perspective, i.e., to go beyond the egocentric perspective and be more objective. Parents are human beings with their own unmet needs and developmental issues. The sooner you can acknowledge and honor their humanity, the sooner you can have empathy for them and then free yourself from them, to become your own person.
If you really care about personal growth, you should want to outgrow things like egocentrism and overdependence. You can take the initiative to learn the knowledge and skills you need to overcome the challenges you've faced at home. It's not a crime to need emotional support, we all do at times, but you have to get smarter and discover better ways of obtaining it.
The archbattle in the universe is always: evolution verses egocentrism. The evolutionary drive to produce greater depth is synonymous with the drive to overcome egocentrism, to find wider and deeper wholes, to unfold greater and greater unions. A molecule overcomes the egocentrism of an atom. A cell overcomes the egocentrism of a molecule. And nowhere is this trend more obvious than in human development itself.
