#funny twilight

[wanted-by-the-volturi]

Twilight Text Post 7/???

[lionlamb17]

Someone take my phone away

[emmetthastiktokforsure]

Don’t know if I’ve talked of this before but imagine the volturis whenever they travel to ✨handle business✨ they have that family merch like big families you know? So they can avoid having a Home Alone situation of leaving someone behind?

Like everyone has a red shirt with a number and aro counts them all before getting in the plane

[readingwithlemons]

I’m a simple woman. If I see the words “ Wolf pack” , “Paul Lahote fluff “ or “Long hair Jacob” I hit reblog. 

by @softiejacob ( I couldn’t find her post to tag so here her blog. )

[rosiecullen]

i keep seeing people say that jacob should’ve been attracted to edward in the same way he was attracted to bella for 64 days before edward and bella have sex because that’s when remesmee’s sperm cell would’ve been created. yall are so wrong. jacob should’ve been attracted to edward the whole time because edward’s sperm has been frozen in his balls since he was changed. in this essay i will

[the104yearoldvirgin]

Emmett: So you keyed Mike Newton’s car on Bella’s behalf?

Alice: Yes. But nobody knows it was me so don’t tell anyone.

Emmett: Chief Swan is investigating, you know.

Alice: Yeah but he’ll never find me. Plus we’re friends so I’m the last person he’d suspect of such a heinous and disrespectful crime.

Emmett: So you’re telling me...you’re a small medium at large?

[queertwilight]

Edward, trying to distract Bella from seducing him: So, would you like to listen to some Debussy?

Bella, sick of his celibate ass: Can’t we do something more...intimate?

Emmett, listening in from downstairs mid tiktok binge: HELL YEAH! DEBUSSY? MORE LIKE DIS PUSSY!

[yourfriendlyneighborhoodvampire]

Emmett: before u judge me for doing something dumb keep in mind that i have one brain cell and shes alone in there it's dark and scary show some compassion shes trying her best