part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part six, part seven, part eight
10 Thousand Words Worth Of Memories (ao3) - penformeri
Summary: It was cold, and Dan was bored. The journal rested easily on his palms; he hadn't opened it since Phil went away.
He doesn't have the heart to, but the only thing he fears is losing the memories of the love they once shared before losing everything.
In which, Dan kept a journal that kept every single memory and every single moment that led to their messy breakup, rereading it only to reunite with Phil through the pages again, Phil doesn't bother reaching back.
Another Man's Obituary (ao3) - gaydreaming
Summary: Dan and Phil have an honest conversation about the suicide attempt that Dan discusses in Basically, I'm Gay
But you know that I love you (ao3) - Poodle_spit
Summary: If you or a loved one have been separated from your soul mate due to them going on tour, you may be entitled to snuggles and reassurance.
Phil is very proud of Dan but that doesn't fix the bad feeling in his tummy about this whole thing.
Catch Me As I Fall (ao3) - serenity_sky
Summary: Dan jumps out of bed in anticipation of seeing Phil’s new blond hair. Unfortunately, he gets up quickly and faints. He expresses his frustration about Phil not catching him.
disinterest in what the critics say (ao3) - pour_bot_hem2009
Summary: Phil doesn't normally let rude comments online bother him, but they really start getting to him one night
I Love to Exist With You (ao3) - s0ld_0ut
Summary: Phil is sick and sad and Dan calls him Bub a lot (that’s literally the fic-)
I wish that you would stay in my memories (I was barely just surviving) (ao3) - jazzystar13xx
Summary: It's been a couple of months since Dan broke up with Phil. They went no contact. Dan moved out. Phil tried to move on. They knew it needed to be a clean break if they wanted to be able to get over a fifteen year long relationship. But no matter how hard Phil deludes himself into thinking he's doing well without Dan, he just isn't. So he has absolutely no idea what to do on a rainy night when Dan shows up at the door of his new apartment.
Move. (ao3) - dnpcoffee
Summary: when Dan realizes that Phil has been off lately
One of Those Days (ao3) - cats_with_no_tails
Summary: Based on the anecdote from Dan’s birthday stream that Phil dropped his ice cream and cried, featuring Autistic Phil + Dan comforting him during a meltdown.
storm on the horizon (ao3) - gaydreaming
Summary: When Phil receives a piece of badly timed news, his frustration with his own illness threatens to boil over, and Dan steps in to support him.
The Archer (ao3) - dnpcoffee
Summary: Dan and Phil broke up a few months ago, What happens when they meet again at a gathering hosted by their friend?
The Beeping Penthouse (ao3) - gaydreaming
Summary: Set during the events of How Phil Nearly Died. Dan does his best to take care of Phil after their traumatic day, despite being terrified himself. As is to be expected, things dissolve into softness and silliness rather quickly, until they're both able to feel okay again.
Where We Hid and Where We Broke (ao3) - julsxx
Summary: In the aftermath of the infamous 2012 Valentine’s video, everything Dan worked to keep hidden is dragged into the light, forcing him to confront his past, his fear, and the limits of love.
Why did you stay? (ao3) - lovely_internet_stranger
Summary: What Dan thinks makes him worth staying with despite his mental illness:
Chapter 3 of Thinking Too Much is officially on ao3! Here’s the link (please tell me if it’s broken I’m still fairly new at this) or if you prefer, I posted the Tumblr version yesterday
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Additional Tags: Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, i think that tag works, I'm trying to be safe since this fic deals with consent issues
Summary:
Dan is excited to wake Phil up with a morning blowjob. Things do not go as planned.
(set in September 2010. deals with consent issues)
A/N: This is purely fictitious, I honestly don’t think this is in any way what happened. Also, this is probably as risque as my fics will get just an fyi. lol
They had just endured an annoyingly long train ride back home. They weren’t tired, just calm. They were happy to be back home and in their own bed.
They were in the moon room, tangled up in t-shirt sheets, dim lights reflecting off the moon mirror while Dan did what he did best. His teeth were attached to Phil’s thigh, trying to maintain a rhythm despite the escaped smiles caused by Phil’s moans.
Dan finished with a soft kiss to his work before collapsing beside an out-of-breath Phil.
“I love leaving you panting.” Dan whispered, leaning in closer to his boyfriend.
“Maybe I should rename my channel ApantingPhil.” Phil said.
“I’d watch it.” Dan said with a smirk before pressing his lips to Phil’s.
The two woke up the next morning, content in each other’s company while Dan’s eyes were glued to his phone. Phil’s eyes, however, were glued to his thigh.
“Duck.”
“Excuse me?” Dan asked.
“Or sloth?”
“Do I need to call someone?” Dan asked in mock-concern.
“My bruise!” Phil finally said, maneuvering his leg so Dan could see the giant bruise on his thigh.
“Oh God, I did that??” Dan asked.
“Yes.” Phil said with a slight laugh.
“Are you okay?” Dan asked, this time with genuine concern.
“Yeah, it’s fine, but look!” Phil said. “It’s a duck!”
“You just made something really sexy become really lame, Jesus Christ.” Dan said with a cringe.
“Doesn’t it look like a duck?? Or is it a sloth?” Phil asked. “I need Twitter’s opinion.” he said as he grabbed his phone.
“What?!” Dan let out. “You can’t tweet this!”
“Why not?” Phil asked.
“Because you would be tweeting a picture of a literal fucking hickey that I gave you!” Dan said, flailing a bit.
“Wouldn’t be the first time they’d seen a hickey you gave me.” Phil said as he positioned his leg to take a picture.
“Yeah, except this time you’re showing them intentionally!” Dan fought.
“Well, I’m not going to say you did it!” Phil told him.
“Well, what are you going to say then? You know they’re going to ask.” Dan said.
“I’ll say... I got in a fight.” Phil said as he took the picture.
“Oh yeah, because actual-angel Phil Lester would get in a fight and your opponent would punch you in the thigh!” Dan spoke sarcastically.
“I know exactly what I’m going to say.” Phil said as he tweeted the picture.
“Well, tell me!” Dan let out.
Phil smirked. “I was fighting a bear.” he said, leaving Dan’s jaw hanging open.
Summary: Dan recalls Phil’s spiral down into a psychotic fit. I tried to make this as brutally honest as possible but there’ll be more fluff in later chapters.
Quote: I feel like such an imposter. I've felt like that so many times since I started youtube but now it's worse than ever. Now not only am I pretending to be funny, smart and interesting enough to deserve the attention of six million subscribers but I'm also caught not being adult enough or responsible or I don't know, something enough to be able to take care of Phil during the one time he couldn't take care of himself.
Genre: heavy angst
Word count: 2069
Triggers: mental illness, schizophrenia (implied), near death, suicide attempt (kind of, not really), kissing, vomit, termites, hallucinations
Hello Internet,
I haven't posted any real danisnotonfire videos over the past two weeks but I think that's fair, considering. Phil comes home tomorrow. This is the first time I've really tried to form any cohesive thoughts but I do have a bunch of little clips that I filmed in minute or two spurts while everything was happening. I guess I'll string those together rather than have to reiterate everything I said. I know it's unprofessional but I've spent so much time trying to be mature and in control recently that I don't want to make a neat video, okay?
- - - wednesday
Hello Internet
I tried to visit Phil today but he was in too much of a drugged up stupor for me to really talk to him. His left wrist was bandaged where they say he bit at his wrist hard enough to make it bleed, muttering something about letting them out. They sedated him and wrapped up his wrist. It hurt to see that even here he could get hurt. What was even more disturbing was remembering how afraid Phil is of blood. I can't imagine what horrors exist in his mind that made biting his damn wrist open seem like his only option.
They're starting him on clozapine. It's an atypical antipsychotic, which got explained to me really slowly. I could feel the doctor trying to think about how she could break it down for the 6'3 man-child dressed in black skinny jeans with tear rimmed eyes standing in front of her. I could tell she thought I was hysterical, which was slightly true, but I still wanted to try to understand everything. Since now I'm in charge of Phil's destiny or whatever I had to sign off that they could basically give him any medicine they thought he needed.
I feel like such an imposter. I've felt like that so many times since I started youtube but now it's worse than ever. Now not only am I pretending to be funny, smart and interesting enough to deserve the attention of six million subscribers but I'm also caught not being adult enough or responsible or I don't know, something enough to be able to take care of Phil during the one time he couldn't take care of himself. This is nothing like his overdramatic colds where I just have to make him tea. I don't have anything to compare this to. The doctor and my mirror can see right through me, I'm just hoping the sedatives blur Phil's mind enough to think that I'm worthy of being in charge of his care.
PJ came over and cleaned the kitchen for me then made me eat some soup. He just left. I think I'm going to try not to dream about the way that the white bandage on his wrist was ever so slightly tinted pink even through all the cloth.
- - - thursday
Hello Internet,
When I went into the hospital Phil freaked out. I'd never seen the blue in his eyes look as stony as it did there, with his face contorted into the type of rage that I never dreamed of associating with Phil. I don't know why he was so angry at me, or what he saw me as. I don't understand any of this but he screamed at me to fucking go back to hell. I can count the amount of times I've heard Phil say fuck on two hands and one of them was during a tongue twister that kind of tricks you into saying it and at least six of the others were bedroom related.
It's kind of a joke, me trying to get Phil to swear. I guess I win. He's swearing. I just never imagined Phil could be like this. After a while of him shouting they made me leave. I don't know if I wanted to stay or not. I wanted to be there for Phil, yes of course, but seeing him so angry with me for something that I can't even begin to understand made me nauseous.
I've been on tumblr all evening, trying to distract myself. First I read over all the information packets on psychotic episodes that they gave me but then I just wanted to not think. It didn't really work but I didn't have another choice. Anyways I'm going to try to sleep.
- - - friday
I'm drunk.
Oh yeah, Hello Internet,
I'm drunk.
We had some tequila and I needed it to be able to think about today.
I thought I was nauseous yesterday but that was nothing compared to today.
Phil hid behind his bed when I came into his dorm there. I tried to say hi and he just–
He yelped and shook and begged me not to touch him. I ran out of the room. I couldn't stay there. I know that this is so much worse for him than it is for me but that doesn't help me keep any food down. Watching someone that you love as much as I love Phil in this much pain, and to think that you're causing it is indescribable.
I want to say that I'm going back purely for Phil but I don't know, I just don't know. I was always the selfish one, wasn't I?
- - - saturday
Hello Internet,
I went to visit Phil today, obviously. He seemed to recognize me at first and dragged me into his room. I was so excited that he was excited to see me, as selfish as that is, so I just let him prattle on about how the doctors here are trying to poison him. I couldn't even argue with him because I didn't want him to be mad at me. We talked for the entire hour I was allowed to be there. Well, more like he talked and I tried to resist jumping over the table and trying to hold him until the world fixes itself.
I just want to hold onto him, but I know that he's too skittish and scared and I tried to touch his forearm and he jumped so hugging is out of the question. He used to love hugs, you should have seen him once the cameras stopped rolling, he's the sweetest, most huggable person there is. Or he was? I don't know. I don't want to admit that my Phil is gone but I can't find him either.
- - - sunday
Hello Internet,
I wasn't allowed to visit him today so Louise dragged me out to see a movie. It was nice, but I can't help but feel guilty for enjoying something when Phil is stuck in that awful place with those awful misfirings in his amazing brain. I know this isn't fair, and by I know I mean Louise scolded me for half an hour about being too hard on myself but I don't know.
Anyways.
- - - monday
Hello Internet,
The clozapine worked! Sort of.
When I went to see Phil he was coherent. He told me he loved me. He then tried to stand up, to hug me no less, and passed out. Apparently, the medicine can make you extremely dizzy. Normally they would keep him on this anyways, at least until they could switch him to something else, but once he hit the ground he started convulsing and they realized that he was having a really dangerous reaction. Instead of fixing his brain it started causing seizures, so they had to take him off.
It hurts so much knowing that he had a moment of clarity and I'm the one signing the damn paper telling them that, no, I want them to hurl him back into that terrifying place he tried so hard to escape from. The doctors told me that it was the right thing to do, but still. I'm sending him back into that terrifying place.
- - - friday
They switched to risperidone on tuesday and I've been allowed to stay for longer visits, so I haven't been making these little updates every day. I feel like I'm flying. He's not perfect, to be completely honest he looks empty, but empty is better than afraid. Right? He's telling the doctors that he feels safe and I know he's not back yet, but his wrist is only a scar now and he's not shaking with fear. He's okay, or he's becoming okay. I don't know, but he doesn't look so scared and he recognizes me. He's a little cold, but the doctors say if he stays stable we can add some antidepressants.
I'm still worried about him but I want him stable and if they say that this is stable then it's good enough for me. And he can come home tomorrow!
- - - monday
Phil's asleep. There's something wrong with him. He hardly talks. He's functioning so well, so the doctors are telling me that nothing is wrong and I don't want to argue. He just looks like someone's lobotomized him. It's eery, but none of the doctors will listen to me saying that something's wrong because he's doing all the things that he needs to do, checking off all the little boxes on their charts, but something is very wrong.
- - - wednesday
Phil's in the hospital again. He tried to slit his fucking wrists. He's physically fine now, I found him before he got too far so he's back in the psychiatric hospital. Apparently, the voices are still there. I'm so angry that no one listened to me and now he has six stitches in his arm. Now the doctor explained to me that the vacant looks were probably from the "mask face" side effects from risperidone and that picking up on that could have clued us in on Phil's reaction.
He kept talking but that was where I stopped listening.
Clued us in.
US
I knew and he wouldn't listen to me. I should have fought, Phil deserves someone to fight for him.
- - - thursday
Now he's on a mix of seroquel for the disease that they're now comfortable calling schizophrenia, (I didn't even have time to be upset about that scary diagnosis when everything was already so scary), and prozac for depression and anxiety. I protested that before this Phil wasn't depressed but a nice nurse explained to me that antidepressants are often used as a stepping stone for schizophrenic patients and once they stabilize and start to recover some of them can be taken off of everything but the antipsychotics.
I don't understand how the old nurse, Leah, can be so sweet and optimistic. It seems like being around sick, terrified people and their upset, terrified families would suck the life out of you but she's been amazing since Phil first came in. I couldn't imagine ever wanting to stay in this place. I still pray, not even to god but just to the universe I guess, that this was all a bad dream and that Phil would just kiss me awake or trip in the kitchen so I could come catch him stealing my goddamn cereal.
But until then we have to learn how to survive because there's no other option. That was what Leah told me when I'd started sobbing while asking her why she came back and I guess it's true. Whenever something horrible happens you just learn to live with the unimaginable. That's what I'm trying to do here.
- - - monday
Today is the first day I've visited Phil since thursday. Friday they said he was still adjusting to the withdrawals and that it would be better for me to leave but then on saturday I came in and he was in group! I never thought I would be this proud of Phil for sitting in a room playing an empathy game with ten other hospital patients but I'm so proud. Usually, he would panic part way through or just refuse to go.
Today when I visited him he seemed the most normal that I'd seen him for months. He was still anxious but he complained about the food and asked about his houseplants. I caught him watching something behind me intently but he didn't freak out about it.
Leah told me later, after the doctor gave me a bullshit answer, that he might still experience these hallucinations for a little while but him learning that they weren't real and not reacting to them was incredibly important. She explained to me that recovering was going to be more than just medication and gave me a few more links to read up on.
- - - tuesday
Phil is coming home tomorrow! This time, even if he still has symptoms, he seems like himself. It's hard, for me at least guys, not to be cynical but this time feels different. I'm obviously nervous but I'm so excited to be able to interact with him without nurses doing their safety checks every ten minutes. I've definitely learned that hospitals are helpful but I can't imagine anyone goes back to feeling completely normal there.
I haven't felt at peace for months now and I still don't, at all really. I don't actually have a great way to end that sentence. I normally edit out those types of lines or reshoot but I haven't been editing these so I guess I'll just say, I'm not at peace but at least he's coming home.
Thank you so much for reading! This narrative is really close to my heart and based off of real experiences and I think it’s important to show mental illness without romanticizing it too much. That’s what I really tried to do here.
antisocialites watch a wilting flower (ao3) - throughtheirsnoses (det395)
Summary: Phil's an emotionally attached and loving vet and Dan's the drained receptionist with no dreams at the animal shelter who reconnect over the poor, hurt puppy dropped off. Dan's boyfriend is their boss.
Closer To Where I Started (ao3) - dizzy
Summary: An onstage accident at a convention leads to a week of stress, nightmares, and evaluating life choices for Dan and Phil.
Daddy Phil (ao3) - ReederJoe
Summary: A day in the life of little!Dan and daddy!Phil. One-shot from Phil's POV.
Grounded (ao3) - AmazingFrerard
Summary: Dan only wanted Maltesers... how did it go so wrong in such little time?
Can Phil help him before it's too late?
Heaven And Hell (Phan Fluff) (ao3) - thegirlwholikestowrite
Summary: Dan has a nightmare, Phil sleeps with him. Its light angst with fluff. They get deep and romantic.
Handle With Care (ao3) - DisasterSoundtrack
Summary: "Sticking to one person for a lifetime is not a waste of time or lack of better ones, it means you’ve found your place of eternity."
Phil reminisces about moments that made him realize how much he cares for Dan.
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways (ao3) - outphan
Summary: Dan is feeling insecure, so Phil decides to show him that he is perfect.
Let The Salt Dry (ao3) - dandrogynous
Summary: “When I look at my old pictures, all I can see is what I used to be but am no longer. I think: What I can see is what I am not.”
- Aleksandar Hemon
2009 except Dan is a trans boy
Like A Shibe (ao3) - adorkablephil (kimberly_a)
Summary: After TATINOF, Phil's feeling insecure about how fans think of him compared to how they think of Dan. Why didn't he ever get to be drawn like a French girl in the stage show? Dan's always the sexy one. Dan tries to reassure him.
My Shipwrecked Heart (ao3) - outphan
Summary: After his heart gets broken, Dan Howell decides to chase one of his dreams: he enters a competition to go on a Mediterranean cruise! It comes true and along the way, something even better happens.
restless (ao3) - overwhelmedbysonder
Summary: Breathe. Just breathe.
In. Out. In. Out. In.
It’s not that I don’t try. I see my family, my friends, visiting with their faked smiles and forced laughter, desperately trying to pretend that things are fine, that nothing’s changed. I see them and I want to reach out, I want to look at them and smile and reassure them that I’m here and I’m fine and I’m here, but I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.
Or, the one where Phil struggles with depression, PTSD and being mute, and Dan just wants to hug him.
Rise Again (ao3) - ColdPorridge22
Summary: Sequel to Phoenix Down. Can be read as a standalone, if you're not into the angst fest that was Phoenix Down.
After the events of Phoenix Down, the boys are home and they've just gotten together. Phil is still healing from his injuries, but that's not stopping the relationship from getting more and more physical as they explore this new side of them. And then of course, there's the issue of coming out...
Shut Your Mouth and Listen Closely (ao3) - SimplyUndead
Summary: Dan is mute with an unfortunate past. Phil is a nice boy with a warm heart and love to give.
Six Ravens (ao3) - iihappydaysii
Summary: Dan meets Prince Philip at a cyberbullying campaign, but what starts as a working relationship grows complicated when Dan realizes he’s falling for the prince and maybe, just maybe, he’s not alone in his feelings.
the water might be lovely (ao3) - isleofbants
Summary: Dan, utterly fed up with uni, runs away to the Isle of Man.
Seeking escape, he gets more than he bargained for when he rents a room out from happy-go-lucky, recent grad, Phil Lester.
Trust Me, I’m Broken Too (ao3) - natigail
Summary: The Lesters – the royal family of his homeland – was nothing like Dan thought they would be. Well, the King was just as horrible as he had heard but the King’s brother’s son, who was third in line for the throne, was nothing like Dan thought he’d be. Dan had been adrift for three years going from one “place of employment” to another, only his life was seen as worthless and he was more property than an employee. He had never imagined he’s end up as the property of Prince Philip.
The Prince had no intention of ever taking on a personal servant, which was a fancy name to disguise the fact a law essentially enslaved people. Phil often had to do things he didn’t want to or risk being removed from the succession to the crown. If that happened, who knew who his tyrant of an uncle would pick as a successor? When pressured into the choosing, he’d wanted to go for the most innocent, young girl, but hard brown eyes caught his attention instead.
Vacations, Hypochondriacs and a Little Bit of PTSD (ao3) - Merrydith
Summary: Neither Dan or Phil saw this weekend as one to worry about. Dan was a great driver, even though he never really got a chance to show it, and when he asked their good friend Cat to borrow her car for a few days after Vidcon, of course, she trusted him with the keys.
wikihow to stop a divorce (ao3) - ivorycastle
Summary: Dan has finally shown that he's too difficult to love, and seldom to keep Phil inspired amidst the cold break that legally split the two flames apart. This house lease binds the two obnoxiously tight to each other like wild grapevines. Maybe this will grow over if the universe allows it to.
Heya babes, so I read this fic ages ago where Phil broke Dan's mirror and dan was mad at first but he chilled out when he realized Phil was hurt then it was super cuteeee. Prob wattpad? but idkkkk
