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āøāāŖš¼ā« ļ½„ 17.9k
childhood bsf ķ“ėģ¹“ģ“ & fem r (ft. asshole yeonjun)
ā (OTHER). angst, family issues, fingering, first kisses, jealous, yeonjun really is an asshole, orgasm denial, thigh fucking, unprotected sex, strength kink a little bit, breeding kink, possessiveness, creampie, choking, growing pains
ash: omg!! this was such a fun palate cleanser to write. this wasn't supposed to be as big as it is, but it just kept getting bigger and bigger, and i got super into the story. this kai is SOOOO!! mm mm mm. iām so nervous posting this because iāve only ever posted tsfawc, butā¦. here you areee (^^;;
Though you fan your hand furiously over your face, the little breezes washing over your clammy skinĀ are not enough. The air is thick and heavy with summerās heat. So thick that you almost feel it each time you swallow. Itās better than just letting yourself melt away, though. The cushion at your back doesnāt help much. It holds your warmth and returns it to you the longer you sit there slumped. You suffer through it thoughāyouāve become too sluggish to move. Or care.
You let a leg dangle over the arm of a chair, watchingĀ a hopeful moth dance in the light of the buzzing porch light overhead. It flutters frantically in it, making a grand fight to reach that false moonlight, only to drop away when it realizes that itās being burnt. You watch it rinse and repeat, relentless and sure, for who knows how long. Itās no special mothāno luna moth or the ones with the pretty pink wingsābut the light falls down on it and colors it a pleasant stardust silver. Ā
You delight in letting your conscious brain turn off to watch it. It lets you forget the sweltering under your skin, and also that Kai had drug you out here. His dad gives him shit when he plays inside, but itās way too hot to be out here. Isnāt it supposed to cool off after the sun goes down? It doesnāt feel like it. The deep acoustics are drowned out each time a car whirrs by. Playing outside should be the best option, but you and Kai live right on a busy road. Ā
When the roar of some car going ten miles over the speed limit doesnāt obscure his playing, though, you admire the intricacy of it. His fingers work up and down the neck, jumping frets that you imagine would be impossible to anybody without those long fingers of his. You had always been a loud supporter of his playing, even way back when the most he could play were simple chords, but you became especially so when a few years back he put a guitar in your hands and tried teaching you. Even with his fingers guiding yours, it was quick to learn that the effortlessness with which Kai handles the instrument is hard earned. Ā
He practices on the acoustic guitar, but thatās not his domain. With houses just a dash across the street from each other, Kai had grown up at your home more than he had at his own. So vividly, you remember the stars in his eyes when heād listen to your dadās music. Metallica, The Smashing Pumpkins, Linkin Park, any of it. He had fallen in love with it a long time ago. Your whole life you knew that it was only a matter of time before he was in his own band, chasing his dreams with a boundless mind and an indelible vision of himself on stage. How had that time come so soon, though? You donāt know if the notebooks full of inky lyrics that live wherever he deems inspiration might hit him make you proud or nervous. Heās making good on his dazzling aspirations, and you?Ā
You speak finally into the air, cutting through heat waves and his music and the night. āIsnāt it weird that weāre not going back to school after this summer?āĀ
He doesnāt have to even stop playing to answer you. Playing comes to him as a second nature. āKinda,ā he answers, brown eyes flitting up to you. āBut itās not like you wonāt be back to it in September. College is the same shit.āĀ
The leg youād been dangling and bouncing pauses.Ā Thatās right; youāre supposed to be going to that college youād chosen because it was only a three-hour drive away from here. You pluck at the seatās threadbare fabric, and the moth, still there, becomes oh-so-interesting once again. When his playing stops, you drop your head back with a cushioned thud and a groan that you wrangle in your throat.Ā
āWhy are you acting like that?ā he says, voice gone sharp like accusation. He doesnāt even know the truth, but heās known you too long.
Canāt you just keep secrets for yourself, sometimes?
Kai, arms clad in a well-loved hoodie even in this dreadful weather, lays the guitar down. You maintain your silence. āSeriously, what?āĀ
Some secrets have timers, though. This one could only last you until about September, or even August when he realizes that youāre not preparing to return to school. A controlled sigh from your chest isnāt enough to soothe the nerves that sparks. āNothing.āĀ
āSecrets, huh?ā Kai says. When you do finally look to him, black spikes of hair frame his eyes and the accusation in them.Ā
Itās a simple poke, but it gets under your skin as sharp as any thorn might. Itās not like you donāt keep secrets from him, and youāre sure he keeps some from you too. But those are the little kinds, the inconsequential onesālike I ate already when asked why youāre not eating or like Yeah, Iām fine when itās been a bad day. You donāt hide this kind of stuff from each other. Usually, youād run over to his place to tell him whateverās bothering you. Why not, when heās known even the worst details of your life for almost the entirety of it? Youāve been holding this one close to your chest since somewhere around the end of senior year, though. The longer you let it fester, the worse your nervousness snowballs. āCāmon, Kai. Letās not do this. Can you keep playing?āĀ
He doesnāt like that, of course. But you watch recognition dawn over his chocolate brown eyes, helpless to stop it. āYouāre not going,ā he says. Itās not a question nor a suspicion, itās a bone-dry fact. Ā
Well. There that goes. You want to tear every hair on your head right out. Why had you even thought youād keep him in the dark about it? When heās not out in some garage making music, you two are together. The conversation was going to stroll by at some point; this was only inevitable. His disappointment radiates off him in waves and blisters you. He hasnāt even said anything yet, but you know exactly what he thinks of it. Itās why you kept it from him in the first place. Ā
Your silence is enough confirmation for him. āWhy?ā he says. āI thought you were excited to move out.āĀ
Wincing, you nod slowly. You were. Even went through the whole application process, along with most other kids your age. Ultimately, you never went through with declaring a college. You donāt exactly know why, but somewhere weaseled down in the shadowy recesses of your soul, you know. Taking those steps, the massive and terrifying ones from adolescence into adulthood, meant agreeing that this form of your life was over. It meant that at some point, youād be moving away from here to where living your days away in Kaiās room would not be a choice. Everybody has to do it eventually, you know that. Kaiās music gig could take off any day, too. Heās going to make it happen. And then what? All this stalling and wishing on just a bit more time would mean nothing, heād be off and chasing that dream. As excited as you are for it to finally become reality for him, thereās a nasty bitterness thatās budded in your chest, infecting your person. Ā
Canāt things just stay like this?Ā
āI was,ā you say. It comes out of your mouth heavy. Ā
āThen why arenāt you going?ā he says. Crickets, never seen but always heard, sing their song into the nightās darkness. āYou didnāt get rejected. Youāre too smart for that.āĀ
An ache sits heavily somewhere near the center of your chest, maybe over your heart. All those good grades, nights spent bent over a desk and AP paperworkāyouāre wasting it. You shake your head. āNo... just...ā Itās an effort to dress your thoughts in a way that might appease him. A quiet moment stretches with your thinking before you continue, āI donāt know what I want to do.āĀ
He doesnāt like that, the yellow wash of the overhead light dancing over his taut lips and hard eyes. āDonāt know what you want to do?ā he says, bringing his legs up onto the seat to crisscross them. He wears his favorite jeans. Theyāre heel-bitten and baggy enough over his legs that he can wear them around the house without any bother. āYouāve wanted to be an artist your whole life. You know exactly what you want to do.āĀ
Your chest only seems to ache harder. When the both of you were only young and hopeful, you both had big dreams. Kai was going to be the face of a metal band, and you were going to be an artist. A painter, potter, sculptor, even doing animation for those big companies like Dreamworks and Disney. You wanted any of it, just as long as you were doing art. Youād even promised him that youād do the cover art for his albums with interlocked pinkies and flushed, hopeful cheeks. That passion and love wasnāt gone from you, it blazed strong in your veins. This blaze wasnāt the kind that kept you warm and excited to push forward into life, though. It had morphed into something that scalded you when you got too close or started imagining yourself pursuing its call. Itās a taunting silvery glow, no longer a guiding north star. Taunting words of family members stamped down on that hope hard. When you were little, it was said lighthearted and in passing. The older you got, though, the more serious their faces became. They wouldnāt say it outright perhaps, but you hear what they think well enough. Art is a dead-end career. Ā
Shifting in your seat, you tell him, āI donāt know.āĀ
āWhat do you mean?ā Kai says. āThere are good colleges for that.āĀ
āI just... donāt know.āĀ
Shaking his head, he tells you, āBut you love it.āĀ
You do. In its every form, you love creating. But loving it doesnāt mean that itās right for you, or that you should trust your future in its hands. āI think I can do it in my own time,ā you say, finally pushing yourself upright from the cushion. āDonāt wanna kill the passion by doing it for a living, you know?āĀ
He thinks on that for a moment. āIf you love it, you should do it,ā he says.Ā
An awful frustration bubbles in your chest. Kai has always had a clear life path, the steps ahead of him set in stone and waiting for him to follow in them. Itās hard for him to see why you might not want to do the same. Thereās nothing that makes you as happy as the fact that he has it all figured out, that he knows just where heās going and that heās so incredible at it that he doesnāt have to worry about meeting the requirements, but your path seems obscured and untrodden. Punctuating a deep, resonant sigh, you say, āItās not that easy, Kai.āĀ
āIf youāre not doing that, then what are you going to do? Are you just going to settle for a nine-to-five?ā he says full of accusation, the tapping on his knees gone still. Ā
A dry laugh, you say, āMaybe Iāll marry a super rich guy and just do my art for a living. No nine-to-five.āĀ
His face flashes. Heād always been a bit reserved, especially around others, but he bared his emotions freely around you. You hold them dearly to your chest and made sure to do your best to make good on that trust. He says, āYouāre more than some guyās housewife.āĀ
Cheeks radiating in the heat, you snort. āI know, dork. Iām a rockstarās best friend. Itās my personal favorite achievement.ā Ā
His face sours when you reach out and pinch hard at his cheek, but he doesnāt pull away or brush you off. The skin there is warmed and clammy. Really, the two of you should go meet the cool AC inside before you suffer heat stroke. But this moment feels so niceāyour shoulders feel tons lighter without something to hide. If you had it your way, things would stay like this forever. Just the two of you, sat here like you have so many times before, just taking for granted the time youāve got together. Ā
His mouth opens to banter, probably something about how heās not a rockstar yet or to get you back for calling him a dork. Wingbeat and sterling dashes about your face send the image into a blur, though. Youāre a quick mess of limbs and a whipping head, as if itāllĀ chase the thing away from you.Ā
āSeriously?ā Kai says. Youād climbed halfway over him, elbows digging into him and knee doing a number on his thigh. āItās a moth. Youāre not scared of moths.āĀ
Lingering for a few moments later to ensure the flying thing was nowhere on you or around you, you hold back a laugh before you climb off him and fix your hair with undignified tucks behind your ears. āHe was in my face,ā you say around a laugh, because you know it was a bit too much. Nobody likes wings in their ears and spindly legs in their face, though, and youāre in no control of what you do when anything with six legs tries and get too friendly. Even moths. Ā
āYou just wanted me to protect you,ā he says. A sarcastic, shit-eating smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. Ā
āOh,ā you scoff, batting your eyelashes and clasping your hands together all saccharine-sweet. āYes, Romeo, wonāt you kill that bug for me? My heart just canāt take it!āĀ
Kaiās nose crinkles, and the playful light twists into a glare. āNasty.āĀ
āWell, thatās how you sounded,ā you say. āWhatever.ā Laughing, you kick your legs out over his lap and sprawl back out. He takes the guitar back into his hands.Ā
As much as you want to escapeĀ the mugginess, youāll survive it for just a little while longerāif only with the force of an indulgent heart. The eternal moments are those you allow to linger. Ā
Some things, you forget when youāre older. Maybe itās timeās hand, eroding memories down and stuffing more in the longer you live to experience them. But also maybe because theyāre the sort of things you canāt say in the adult world without a laugh in the face and a look from down their noses. Ā
This memory is one of those forgotten things. Itās moth-bitten and dusty, something you one day folded up in a moving box and decided to never revisit.Ā
Youād been down at the creek. Kai and you had spent so many summer days there. It wasnāt too far from home, just past the filbert trees and into the shallow neck of the backwoods, but there you were out of sight and free to get up to nothing good. It was a wonder your mom ever let you do it. Kaiās dad didnāt care too much where he went or what he did, but your mom dug her claws in deep. You like to think that she imagined you two would have each other, if anything ever happened.Ā
Usually, youād be there holding your jeans up from the stream and Kai would be letting his jeans go dark with it. The bite of water was nice as it washed over warm skin. Fun was a simple thing to find, then. You dug your fingers into the mudbanks and tossed stones way too big to be throwing at each other, just because you two remembered how much the adults hated it when you did. Then, youād drag tired limbs home avoiding sweetgum tree spikes that had fallen to the ground and dug splinters out from your feet. Ā
This day, you had been in the blackberry bushes. It was maybe late July or early August, and theyād gotten heavy on their branches. Youād waited until the smell of them, summer-warmed, was sweet and cloying in the air to pick them. With buckets in your hands, you plucked only the fattest berries from their bunches. Your fingers were stained a delightful purple and perhaps a bit thorn raw, but you didnāt mind much then. You plucked for hours, and it was dusk before you could catch it. Dinner was no doubt waiting for you back home.Ā
āThereās a bunch over here,ā Kai had said. He reached a long boyish arm, still awkward and lanky with puberty, up high for ripe bush. You finished off picking before climbing around thick branches sticking out to take a peek. A bunch, there was.Ā
When you went to drop a handful of them into your bucket, Kai hissed. Heād been snagged by a vicious looking branch, those ones as thick as a finger with thorns to match and youād warn each other tongue-in-cheek to watch out for that one. Heād worn those ridiculous shorts that day, the ones that looked half pants half shorts with how long and baggy they were, and the claws of the bush had jumped at the opportunity. At first the scrapes were white, but then red blood crawled out and down his leg. Ā
āKai,ā you said, some parts chiding and some parts just wondering how heād managed that. You surveyed his leg for a bit, and then determined that he should wash his leg off in the stream. He walked there strong, but of course you noticed the hobble beneath his acting. When you squatted down into the dry grass and cupped water to wash off his leg, you laughed.Ā
āWhat?ā he had said, holding the shorts up. You covered your laugh with a hand, but it erupted past your palm.Ā You remember the glare on his face very well.Ā Ā
You still laughed. āYouāre stupid,ā you had told him.Ā
āI didnāt see it,ā he said. āI tripped over it because it was sticking out.āĀ
That time when you brought your hands to catch some water, there was a twinkle in its surface. You didnāt notice it for a second. The creek moved fast and you could see a lot of things in its reflection. When it lingered, thatās when your brows furrowed. It seemed to twirl, dancing around like alive over the stones.Ā
The sound of Kaiās voice remains with you. āHey,ā he had said, strong to call your attention but also wavered with uncertainty.Ā
When you looked up, there was silver dust dancing around you.Ā
It was fluffy and whorling, fine silver stardust. Itād moved weightless in the air, as though it barely existed. In the center of it were a few moths. They seemed to be made of sterling powder just as the dust was, and they glowed against duskās backdrop. If your memory serves you right, there had been a sweet hymn of coos from them. They beckoned you. Summerās heat felt lighter, and so did your chest. You wondered where they had wanted you to go.Ā
Almost afraid that if you spoke they might have fluttered away, you whispered soft and low to Kai. āWhat is that?ā He was stood frozen there, pant leg still scrunched up in his fist. Stardust glowed soft in his brown eyes while he took it all in, you remember. It wasnāt a scared frozen. You werenāt scared, eitherārather, it was as if that lightness had found its way into the core of your being and brushed over it with mending hands.Ā
He whispered back, āI donāt know.ā How could he have known? It was absurd.Ā
Those whisps had beckoned you, flowing toward the deeper woods. The soft moths, their murmuring brushing up against your ears, seemed to wait for you to follow. You remember a pull, soft tendrils wrapping themselves around your heart and the yearning it planted there. Ā
But there was also this reluctance, a bone-deep answering that had told you: No. Youāre not ready.Ā
āKai, I wanna go,ā you told him.Ā
You didnāt even need to tell him twice. Berry buckets forgotten; the journey home was a stranger one. When your dad asked why you returned from berry picking emptier handed than you had left the house, Kai and you only shared a look. You pairĀ kept that evening at the creek hidden so well that it became more forgotten than shared secret. Ā
Once, you had been the type of girl that loved being around family. Some of your favorite days of your life were spent in this living room, T.V. roaring over bouncing conversation. Some of those nights ended in rosy cheeks and laughs, and some ended with words thrown angry like fireworks. You never knew which youād be getting, but you endured the fear of not knowing because it was a simple loveāthe basic kind built with biology into you the moment your infant skin touched your motherās. You endured it because eventually, sleep washed away the bad taste left in your mouth and you forgave them quick, sometimes quicker than you ought to, and things would go on as if it hadnāt even happened. You endured it because you could handle its burden, if only to feel the warmth you feel when itās a good day. Ā
Kai was always thereāhis dad was hardly home, so he found family in yours. When you were younger, youād been embarrassed he was there for caustic, spitted words and intimate fights. Now, youāre just grateful for his shoulder. Ā
So, yes. Once, you had loved being around your family. But things feel tenser now, nights spent all together less frequent and when they do happen, theyāre tainted by a strange air. You think that this strangeness is new, but an awful worry also makes you think that itād always been there, that you only feel it now because youāve grown into your adult mind. A hollow ache stakes its claim in your chest, declaring that it wonāt leave until you find that youthful ignorance and joy once more. You think that it might stay there forever.Ā
Bare feet bounding down the stairs, you make a rare appearance downstairs. The cupboard is only half open to make way for a snack raid before your momās voice cuts through the air. You know quickly just by the look on her face that you shouldāve stayed upstairs.Ā
āHey,ā she says, gathering laundry into a basket. āYouāve been applying to jobs?āĀ
With an anxious belly, you tell her, āYeah. A few. Theyāre not really, like, ideal, but I sent applications.ā You donāt remember when it got hard to look into your motherās eyes, but you canāt bring yourself to do so now. Ā
āNot ideal?ā she says. āItās not like you can be picky. Mcdonalds or wherever, I donāt care, youāre going to need to get a job if youāre staying here.āĀ
āI know. I applied,ā you reiterate around a mumble. You close the cabinets, not so interested in a snack anymore. āI just... I donāt know, ma. I donāt want to do that for a living, going between those sorts of jobs.āĀ
Face hard and abrasive against the truth you bare, she does that awful taunting smile that makes you feel small. Stupid. āYouāre not going to college, so thatās what itās gonna be. You canāt sit up there and draw for a living. Youāve gotta get into the real world, get some real experience.ā Ā
Thereās a burst of hurt in your chest, dazzling and gnawing. Sheās getting closer to saying how she really feels about your dreams out loud every day. Your face burns and so do your eyes, knot thick in your throat. āYeah, okay. Got it,ā you say, nodding. Youāre at the front door before you even know it, slipping on shoes and fighting the greatest internal battle to will back tears. Sheād use those against you, no doubt about it. āIām going to Kaiās,ā you throw over your shoulder. Ā
Whatever she barks back at you, youāre glad you donāt hear. Bells on some old Christmas decoration hung on the door that had yet to be taken down, even into summer, jingle and wash it away for you.Ā
Kaiās brows shoot up when he opens the door to your face crumpling. Youād done so well at damming it up, but the wall cracks and the water crashes through once you see him. If it were anybody else, youād feel icky and attention seeking, but youād held Kai to your chest through gut-wrenching sobs as much as heās done it for you. Without question, he takes you into his arms, warm hand running up and down your back. The warm soothing is so familiar. You melt right into it. Ā
He keeps you there for a long moment. Then, his chest rumbles as he tells you, āCome on.ā The walk through the AC to his bedroom is nice. Having a house like Kaiās to come to where it can just be you is nice, too. You step around the mess of clothes and scattered belongings on his floor like you have a muscle-memory roadmap of his room. Boxsprings creak and hard mattress welcome you back home. His room is dark as always, a night-dweller you call him. The array of peeling band posters plastered over walls you two had painted blue some years ago, when itād been his favorite color, donāt help to lighten it up. He keeps a low lamplight on. Ā
āShe never listens to me,ā you say, crying gone to occasional sniffles from your chest. You rest your cheek on your bent knee.Ā
āI know,ā he says. āBut at least she cares about you. Pays attention to you.ā His voice is soft and deep and right next to you. Always right next to you, there for you even when you might not appreciate it as you should. Ā
His dad cares too little what he does, and yours care too much. The grass is always greener on the other side, you know it. Still, you hold a fantasy where youāre able to do teenager stuff. Where youād allow yourself to do bad things, because you werenāt so intent on painting yourself with their will. You two hold eyes for a long moment, your twinkling ones caught in that steady brown. āI just want to get away. Be my own person.ā Your words are muffled in the softness of your skin.Ā
āYou had the chance to do it,ā Kai says, hand playing with your fingers. āBut you didnāt.āĀ
Holding your legs closer, you lick your lips. What do you say to that? Would it ever be the time to tell him that you did it because you think that your soul is pathetically intertwined with his, and that it might snuff your lifeforce out to even try pursuing life without him? Without this? How do you tell him that youāre so frozen and unwilling to pursue any sort of future because it means accepting that this chapter is over? You clutch childhood to your chest like a wild animal guarding scarce food; you refuse. You refuse to acknowledge its end. Ā
āKai,ā is all you say, trembled and thick. Itās not just your motherās words that dig at you and tear to shreds the last bits of what dreaming you had left in you, but so many other reality checks too. This isnāt the first time youāve heard those sorts of words, urging you forward. You can only dig your heel into the ground for so long before youāre swept away in timeās ruthless, endless moving. Ā
He understands. Lifting your face with warm fingers against your cheeks, he says, āHey. How about we go get ice cream, or something?āĀ
Ice cream does sound nice. āDairy Queen?āĀ
Smirk tugged over his mouth, he says, āYes, Dairy Queen. A blizzard. Cāmon, letās go.ā Sliding off the bed, he offers you an urging hand up.Ā
But you falter. āI donāt know if we can. Sheās mad at me. I donāt think sheāll let me go.āĀ
āLet you go?ā he says, eyes narrowed. āShe doesnāt have to let you go. Youāre an adult now, you go if you want to.ā He offers his hand to you again.Ā
Itās so him, freely going wherever he ordain it. The bullheadedness is very him, as well. Always the devil on your shoulder, he was the root of any rebellious thing youāve ever done. He could never understand your apprehension, or why getting in trouble was such an awful thing to you. āI have to ask to get money.āĀ
Brows pinching, he says, āYou think Iām not gonna pay for you? You donāt need them to give you money, Iāll pay. Iāll take care of it.ā He drags you up from the bed this time. āLive a little. Do you want to go?āĀ
It was never the punishments or the getting in trouble that you were scared of, though. Disappointment was a scarier word than grounded. Sneaking out and those sorts of things, itās not like you had angel wings at your back and never considered them. Itās that you are deeply, utterly terrified of changing how they look at you. You begin to tell him, āI do, butāāĀ
He cuts you off, adamant. āThen do it. Letās go. If you want to go, then go,ā he says. āAt some point, your life needs to become your own. Itās not sneaking out when youāre graduated and eighteen years old, itās going wherever the hell you want. Youāve... Youāre gonna end up stuck here, in this town, forever. You donāt deserve that.āĀ
That sounds like both the best and the worst thing youāve ever heard. You take his hand. Ā
Your frozen fingers nurse your ice cream. The cup itself is cold, but the Dairy Queen on your side of town is always thirty degrees below what it should be. Itād always been that way. Even way back when you two couldnāt drive, youād get dropped off here to escape the melting weather and get a frozen treat with a handful of dollars. Each time, youād start off sagging with the relief of summerās weight off your shoulders and left the place shivering and sugar-mouthed. Ā
Itās really only you two in here. You crinkle your nose when he takes a spoonful. āOut of all the flavors...āĀ
Unbothered and no doubt expecting you to say it, he offers you a flat, āYou get your flavor, I get mine.ā He makes a point of taking an extra-long bite. His lips linger around the red plastic of the spoon and his brows rest high in silent challenge. Ā
The corners of your lips twitch up. āHmm. Well. I just have a hard time believing that Oreo... or, like, brownie fudge, is right there, and you actually want M&M. I donāt get how M&M your favorite.ā A familiar banter falls over your tongues. Your heart buzzes and your cheeks radiate. This is the first youāve done this all summer, and itāll be weaning off into fall soon. Any other summer, you wouldāve been here on all the hottest days. You hate that Kaiās been so busy with his music; you hate that you can hear the resounding ticks of the clock counting down your time. You also hate that the stubborn depths of you still believe that if you freeze yourself here in stasis that the world will relent and stop along with you.Ā
You look over the sharp lines of Kaiās jawline as it feathers with his chewing, and the broadness of his shoulders where his jacket stretches around it, and the starkness of his collarbones against his chest and the bobbing of his adamās apple when he swallows. No, time doesnāt stop. Some of him remains the same, though. In it, you see the boy that had love creeping up on you so long ago, with all its aching and all its hope. That freckle on the column of his neck, the bump in his nose leading down to the button tip that beckons your lips to steal a quick kiss. Ā
And, those lips. Theyāre as soft as ever around the discontented grimace he pulls. āM&M isnāt my favorite.āĀ
With a pursed mouth and patronizing brows arched over your eyes, you say, āOh, huh. Thatās funny, because if my memory serves me right, itās the only flavor youāve ordered for the past... six years.ā Ā
Kai husks a laugh at that. āThatās because they havenāt had my favorite for years,ā he tells you, scooping up the final bit and then pushing it off to the side. āIt was a blizzard of the month that they discontinued. The blackberry cheesecake one. I made peace with it, though. It lives on in my heart.ā He grins, arms crossed over his chest and his back settled into the booth seat to let you finish your cup. Ā
āBlackberry cheesecake,ā you say, voice made taunting. Your nod is slow and taunting, too. āWell, forget M&Ms. Why would blackberry cheesecake be your favorite? Ever?āĀ
His face falters, a moment where something flows over his eyes as if reliving a memory in a few short seconds. Then, he shrugs. āIt just is.āĀ
You roll your eyes. āWhatever,ā you laugh. āMaybe my palate is unrefined.ā Imagining the tarte fruit in purple swirls of ice cream, youāre taken back to a humid July day and the scent of churned mud. Ā
The strange memory unfolds itself quick. As if it were waiting for you to find wherever itād hidden itself away. With a sharp gasp, you say, āOh my god, Kai. Do you remember that one day? That weird stuff we saw down at the creek?āĀ
He nods. āYeah. I was just thinking of that the other day, actually...āĀ
Less interested in finishing your cup now, you let the spoon rest. āWhat?ā you say, the word peaking in the middle. That day hadnāt crossed your mind once since itād happened. āHow weird is that?āĀ
Scoffing a laugh, he says, āWeird, yeah. Just as strange as two kids high on fermented berries.āĀ
That draws a breathy laugh from you. āIs that what you think it was?ā you ask him with knitted brows. The berries had been fresh, and you two had popped plenty into your mouth. But no doubt, youād have spat them right back out if they were that ripe. āI mean, we saw the same thing.āĀ
āIt happens to animals all the time. Squirrells, and stuff.ā He lends you a gallic shrug. āWe just freaked ourselves out. Like that one time you said you saw the shape of something in the dark and we freaked out. And it was clothes.ā Ā
Well, hallucinating, in tandem, a glowing mist because you two by chance ate fermented berries is a very long shot. However nonchalant he acts about it, he seems to have thought long and hard about it. Enough to reason it away with some far cry explanation. Would you have even been able to get drunk off a handful of fermented berries? And, god, youāre really sure that youād have noticed. That taste isnāt really one you just donāt notice. Ā
Whatever. Maybe you were just drunk idiots. Thatās a lot easier to swallow, anyway.Ā
āOkay, but you saw that. Did it not look sinister?ā you say. With your spoon back in your hand, you punctuate the sentence pointing it at him. āYou freaked out with me, too.ā Ā
An unsatisfied scowl on his lips, he steals a spoonful of your dessert. You donāt even swat him awayāyour phone buzzes in your pocket.Ā
Catching sight of whoās calling, you share a long look with Kai. Itās funny, how fast those three white letters scramble you up. When you hesitate to answer, Kai tells you, āAnswer.āĀ
You hope she canāt tell youāre not at Kaiās by the refrigeratorsā dull buzzing. Itās an effort to tussle that invasive worry back. Youāre at Dairy Queen. Getting ice cream with the boy sheās known since childhood. She should clutch her hands and thank the sky that youāre here, not out in some nasty frat house like you could be. You thumb the green button.Ā
Her voice comes through the speaker crackled and asking you to run over to do a quick dish load. For a heartbeat you consider telling her that you will and then start rushing home. Instead, you fork out the truth through resistant lips.Ā
The hangup tone sits heavy on the air between you and Kai. Having listened to the whole thing on speaker, he says, āWhat was so hard about that? The world didnāt end, did it?āĀ
The plush of your lip takes a hard gnawing. No, it hadnāt. āI know sheās not going to get mad at me for just going here,ā you say as you rest your elbows onto the table. āItās that theyāre supporting me right now. I still live under their roof. The more I go around and insist I can do whatever I want, theyāll start reminding me of it.āĀ
His face drawn, he lets his mouth twitch to one side. āYeah,ā he muses. āI never thought yours would be the type to kick you out.āĀ
Kaiās dad had started threating him with getting kicked out years ago, when he first started telling him that he wanted to do music. How many times had he let reluctant tears flow into your shoulder over it? Because music wasnāt a real job? Back then, youād whispered in his ears that heād become everything heād dreamed of and more as your fingers carded through shaggy locks of hair. Ā
āI donāt know,ā you say, humming it out noncommittally. āIs your dad still... yāknow?āĀ
Nodding slowly, his eyes tell. āYeah. Always.āĀ
āBecause youāre taking the band seriously, now?ā you ask. Ā
āProbably. I donāt give a shit what he thinks about it. If Iām just his goddamn problem, Iāll give him what he wants soon enough.ā His eyes blaze with promise of it. Ā
It takes a bit out of you to not wince. Kai living anywhere but in the house across from yours is wrong. āI donāt think he necessarily wants that, Kai...ā You take his hand in your icy ones, the urge to reach out to him thinly veiled under the guise of searching out warmth. Heād always run warmer than youāyour personal heater. āItās probably because he can see that youāre doing it for real. Not just saying it anymore.āĀ
āYeah, well,ā he spits, āI canāt fucking wait to see what heāll say to me when I make it. That piece of shit, though, he wouldnāt even care. Itās not like he ever gave a shit about me enough for it to matter.āĀ
But, it matters to you, you want to tell him. You understand his need to throw it all in his face, though. āIs that one label going to sign you? The one you were talking about?āĀ
His tongue darts out to wet dry lips. āThey havenāt yet. I donāt know. But I donāt need that money to get out of here, Iāve been working on it.āĀ
āThey will,ā you say. āBut, where would you go? Not too far?ā You try and keep it light and playful, even as your heart aches.Ā
āCome with me,ā he says. Itās painfully blunt, as if it were that simple. āLetās go get and apartment; you and me.āĀ
āKai...ā you say. āYou donāt have to drag me along because you feel bad.āĀ
The idea doesnāt sound half bad, though. Ā
āWhat?ā His face tightens, as if somewhere under the surface your words had scraped somewhere tender. āYou donāt have to stay here forever. Please. I want... I want you to come with me. You wouldnāt have to even tell them; just bring all your stuff and go together. We could do it together. Like we said we would.ā Ā
āWe were like, five. Everybody tries to pretend running away at five,ā you deadpan. Itās a washy attempt at lightening things back up.Ā
Living with him, moving out together, should feel like everything youāve ever wanted. And, maybe it is. But, heās not asking you to live with him the way you want him to. Not in the way that your aching heart wishes he would. Ā
Kai doesnāt share the laugh you give him. āYeah, okay,ā he says, leaning into the table. Ā
Perhaps you should consider the potent disappointment heās terribly masking with a face of indifference, though.Ā
Slowly, the knots in your belly have worked themselves out. When Kai had dropped you off, theyād been so awful that you felt borderline sick. You sat the whole ride there in his old beat-up truck picking at your nails and rambling to him. He listened to you the whole time. And then when it was time to walk in, it had least felt a little easier to do so with his eyes on you, watching to make sure you made it in safely.Ā
Youād gotten a job. Itās not too bad, folding clothes out on display. It would be nice if they kept the lights a bit brighter, but youāll get used it eventually, you hope.Ā
Most of your coworkers are around your age, but the one showing you the ropes... your heart had fluttered.Ā
āYouāll get it,ā Yeonjun says. The smile you find on his lips once he straightens up from placing product on a display is smooth and smug. Sleek strands of black hair fall over his eyes. You fluster under his gaze. Ā
With arms crossed over your chest you say, āYeah, probably.ā You reach into the cardboard box for stock to practice on.Ā
āWhereād you work before this?ā he asks, leaning back into a wall to watch you. Suddenly, you make sloppier work of your folding. āYour first retail job?āĀ
Some obnoxious pop song falls down from the speakers over the store. Nobodyās in here yet, thankfully; youāve got some time to try and get a handle on everything. āNo, this is my first job. I was so nervous walking in.āĀ
Interest catches in his eyes. It encourages that smooth smile on his lips further. āDonāt worry, sweetheart, Iāll show you the reins.āĀ
Your mind stalls. The suggestive, sly flicker to itāare you looking too much into it? Maybe thatās just how guys like Yeonjun act. Itās hard to pretend that you donāt see how heās looking at you, though. It has your belly twisted up in fluttery knots. Itās not like you hadnāt had your share of his type. But, for some reason youād rather notĀ address, heās got your heart thumping in your chest.Ā
He laughs at your fifth attempt to fold up the shirt. When he takes it from you to help, he smells of musk and vetiver. āYou going to college near here?ā he continues. Ā
āNah, just doing this, I guess,ā you answer, watching him fold it up to try and soak it up. Ā
āReally? Why not?ā he hums, crossing his arms about his chest. āYou seem like a smart girl.āĀ
Buffering, your blood buzzes in your veins and your cheeks burn. āDunno. Not really sure what to do. Are you in college?āĀ
āNah. Iām trying to figure things out, too.āĀ
The both of you pop your heads up when the bell rings to announce the arrival of a customer. Ā
āYeah,ā you say, eyeing him.Ā Heās a few years older than you, no doubt, and yet his life hasnāt fallen apart because heās not done anything grand yet. Ā
Timeās hand around your neck loosens. Just a little bit. Ā
You sit crisscrossed on top of Kaiās bedsheets. Heād thrown the windows open because the AC died, but itās no help. The hot air wafting about the room sits heavy on your skin. Youād dressed in as little material as possible to let it breathe, bare thighs clad in a pair of loose shorts and a thin tank top, but itās still miserable.Ā
Perhaps you two should be going over to yours, but you havenāt had time alone with him for a few weeks now. You hate this busier life, where you struggle to make room for this.Ā
Your new job isnāt so awful, though. Especially with Yeonjun there. A bout of nerves flows up through your stomach. That reminds you.Ā
Sitting up a bit straighter, you consider not doing it. In fact, you really shouldnāt. But your mouth moves before you can put a stopper on it.Ā
āHey, Kai,ā you say. The thickness in your throat makes you believe that your heartās jumped up into it, caught. God, what are you doing? The unsure waver in your words has you regretting.Ā
His eyes flicker up to yours. He hums out a, āHuh?āĀ
No, this is wrong. You mess with the thin cotton strap of your tank top where itād slipped down. āNever mind,ā you tell him, trying to shrug it off. Ā
That piques his interest. āNo, what?ā His brow pinches. Ā
You lick your lips and shake your head. āNothing, never mind. Really.āĀ
His eyes search you from where he sits up against the wall. āTell me,ā he demands.Ā
Really, you shouldnāt have said it in the first place. It was a ridiculous idea. But now you know heās not going to let it go. And, ridiculously, you say it. āI was just... wondering,ā you say, blood roaring. "Well, Yeonjun wants me to come over to his place this weekend, and... Iāve never...ā Sucking in a quick breath, you just spit it out to get it over with, āWould you be my first kiss, Kai?āĀ
Insects buzz outside as he looks at you, frozen in spot. You reject the urge to dart away or throw up. Youāre honestly just as shaken as him. But really, who else could you trust with something like that? You donāt want Yeonjun to be disappointed if he kisses you, or to seem inexperienced to him.Ā
And, perhaps, the hopelessly in love part of you hopes to at least feel his lips on yours at least once. If youāre going to be alone forever in your longing, you just wish that you can have this.Ā
āWhat?ā Kai says. He looks rattled. Ā
Of course, heās shocked. You shift. āForget I said that,ā you tell him, unable to meet his gaze. Ā
String-roughened fingers wrap around your upper arm. āI didnāt say anything,ā he says, voice strained and face less shock-fallen and more darkened. āBut... I mean, you want me to teach you to kiss for some other guy.ā He spits out the last bit as if bitter in his mouth. Ā
āYou donāt have to do it,ā you say. āI just... thought that I might ask you to do it. I donāt know, Iām sorry I said it. Iāll just wing it or something.ā His roomās grown ten degrees hotter, if that was possible. Especially where you feel his eyes on your face. Ā
Almost imperceptibly, his hand tightens around you. He swallows hard. āYou want to learn how to kiss?ā he says. āFine. Iāll teach you.āĀ
In a heart-stopping moment, your eyes snap to his. Brown and familiar, they hold you with an intensity that turns your limbs into jelly. The air is stifling. āWhat... do I do?ā you ask when the silence becomes too heavy. Ā
A muscle feathers in his jaw, reflected in the low light of his room. Itās quick and so easy to miss, but it tells you everything you need to know about how this is making him feel. How much disbelief heās in. āCome here,ā he says, stilted around the absolute absurdity of it. He pats on his lap.Ā
You make a hesitant crawl across the bed toward him. It seems as though your elbows might buckle beneath your weight, but you make it despite the odds. A fog settles over your brain when you rest your hands on his shoulders and bring your legs to straddle his lap.Ā
But you shove it back; you want to live and breathe every last second of this. No matter how unbelievable or blistering it is. Ā
Breaths fan out over your face. Itās seizing your mind like undiluted liquor. āWhere do I put my hands?ā you ask him. Itās breathless, the air stolen right from your lungs though your mouths havenāt even touched. Ā
āThere is fine,ā he says. His words sound breathless, too. The weight of his touch on you as he runs his own up to support your back is unsure. āAnd then...ā he says. It falls out on your mouth slowly, and then heās taking your lips onto his.Ā
The walls melt away, sound does too. All that is real is the taste of his lips and how they move against you. Your lips start tentative, but you try his mouth movements yourself. It feels like a timid danceāit feels like deep, deep down, finally everything is right. That mist, thick and blinding, falls back over you.Ā
Something changes. Something in it, where you two meet, changes. He becomes hungry. Softly locked lips turn biting and nipping, shaky breaths exhaled slow through your nose. His hands on your back become surer, and one even ventures off to grab your chin. The other holds you to his chest, melded together despite the intense smoke and flame rolling off your bodies. You wonder if he can feel your heart beating a mess there.Ā
Reluctance paints you both when you pull back. Youāre panting deep drinks of air. Itās hard to think; your mindās run off and sits just out of reach. Licking your messy lips, stained with illicitness, you can only manage to brush your fingers against it to form words. āHow... was that?ā you say, searching his eyes. You find his pupils blown so wide that they consume the warm brown. Youāre ready to jump out of your skin with that look pointed at you. Ā
Kai doesnāt answer, though. He slams your mouths back together as if starved by just the brief moment youād parted for air. Nips on your bottom lip and emboldened handsāhe moves like roaring water through a dam. A dam that heād worked hard to fortify, and yet, at a crack itās all falling down. Fingertips digging through the fabric of your shorts down to your soft hips, his chest rumbles. You feel it reflected in your core, electricity charging there and shooting up your spine and down your thighs.Ā
You kiss him for all the times you wish you wouldāve, but didnāt. The slight rolls of your hips down onto him come easy. You love how it has him making a sound into your mouth and taking the fat beneath his fingers harder into his hands. He helps you.Ā
He drops his head into your neck. Your head swims for air and he has you shuddering with just the brushing of his nose against the column of your neck. The walls of his room spin around you. āKai,ā you whine, every bit of friction his jeans provide, even clothed as you are, just enough to rile you but not to give you what you need.Ā
āGod,ā he growls, thumbs hooking under your waistband. āYou always fucking run around dressed in nothing,ā he says, letting his fingers linger like a suggestion of undressing you. āDid you do it on purpose? Expect to make me crazy, knowing I couldnāt touch you?āĀ
And, in those words, it seems that he steals every last bit of breath from you. How often had you gone braless or worn something like this around him? Laid here, in his bed, like that?Ā
Grown tired of your fruitless grinding, he brings a hand down to support your lower back and says, āTurn around.āĀ
Though you explode with the prospect of what he might be intending to do or whatās next, if youāre really going to do this, you do so in a flash of eager limbs. His chest is solid against your back, you melt against the feeling of it. Heād become such a man lately, filled out, and you watched it happen. It was hard for your eyes not to catch on muscle-corded forearms while he picked at strings or to not appreciate the timbred rumble of his voice when youād feel it come from his chest. How could it not do things to you? Now, heās dragging your shorts down your legs and youāre in disbelief. Ā
āFuck,ā he breaths out. His fingers find your panties soaked through. āSo, youāre the type to get dripping wet.āĀ
An embarrassed blush decorates your cheeks. Kai drags his index finger in circles around your clit through the fabric as if enamored with how much of a mess youād made of it. Your hips twitch every time he rolls right over it. Itās strange how heās got your body acting on its own volition with his touches. Even stranger that itās your best friend doing it. āSorry,ā you tell him, wavering. Ā
He continues those terribly slow circles. āSorry?ā he says, chin on your shoulder. Heās got you wrapped up inĀ him, with nowhere to go but to melt back into him and let his fingers work. Free hand on one of your inner thighs digging divots into the plushness there to hold it still, he tells you, āItās nothing to be sorry about. Itās hot as fuck. Youāre so excited for me to touch you, huh?āĀ
The words wreak havoc on you, feeding the flame that has your belly twisted up tight and the ignition point between your thighs pounding. To hear them coming from him, reserved Kai, has you digging your fingers into his forearm to prove that itās real. Youād never have imagined him being so... filthy. You imagine him behind falsely nonchalant eyes, devouring you with a perverted mind all the times youād spent innocently sitting together in this room. Ā
Your cheeks squish beneath his fingers as he takes your face and turns it to him. He wants to make sure youāre look at him as he asks you, āDo you want me to finger you?āĀ
Like a record, your brain skips. Between the blunt, lewd question and his hand on you, itās in overload. How could he ask something like that so simply? Stunned as you are, of course you want him to. You want him to do anything to you. You nod. Ā
Every last nerve and neuron in your system, just below the skin, cry out when his fingers slow down to nothing. āHmm?ā he says, ignoring the chasing of your hips and the opening of your thighs to invite him into paying your poor pussy the attention heād ripped from it. He wants to hear you say it. Ā
About ten minutes ago, you lost your mind. It does not return to you now. āI want you to,ā you say, chest beating in tandem with your cunt.Ā
āYou want me to, right? Not some dumbass you met a week ago, huh?ā he says. āBecause you know that this is what itās meant to be. Me, doing these things to you. Not some twenty-five-year-old piece of shit. He doesnāt deserve you, baby. Understand?āĀ
His fingers slider under your panties. Dumb brained and cognition gone muddled, you nod. All you can really think about is the moment his fingers slide over you. Fire licks up your lower belly and your insides as he brushes calloused finger tips finally right against your clit.Ā
Puffed breaths of a scoff raise goosebumps over your skin. āTeach you to kiss so that you can go over there and get his hands on you,ā he says, middle two fingertips prodding at your entrance. āAs if you were ever anybodyās but mine. Youād come crawling back to me, baby, because it was always meant to be us. He could never satisfy you.āĀ
His words might alarm you or have you asking questions if he hadnāt pushed his fingers into you and begun curling them with strong, pointed presses, pulling soft mewls and hums from you until he finds a spot that twists up your insides. Even through the palm you press over your mouth, your moans come out more like wavering grunts and croaks. Your thighs quiver and twitch, threatening to snap closed against your own will with each. Only your feet stay planted to the mattress. Like a cone of soft serve under the sunās blistering attention, you melt down him. Just his frame keeps you upright.Ā
āRight there, huh?ā he says. The smirk on his mouth filters his words into something taunting. āThatās where you like it.ā Itās like heās learning your body step by step, fulfilling all the questions heād been forced to only guess at before this. Ā
āUh-huh.ā It comes out whiny and cracks in the middle, but you canāt find even an ounce of you to care right now. If this moment had been a long spiral, a fall from grace, down into a dark pit of forgotten inhibitions, youāve just hit the bottom. Cheeks blazing cherry blossom pink and with your fingers curling into his pant leg, you donāt doubt that you are a picturesque mess. The kind of mess thatās beautiful because itās dirty. Your teeth are not gentle on your plush bottom lip. It stings, tugged back and bitten and still a bit swollen with kisses. Perhaps you taste the tang of metal on it, but you pay it no mind.Ā
Kai redoubles his efforts. Now that he knows exactly how to play you, heās fucking you on his fingers without mercy. The sounds coming from your cunt were wet, but now theyāre differentā nasty squelching. The only noises coupling with your pathetic keening. Forget anchoring yourself on his thigh, forget muffling your sounds. Instead, your hands fly to encircle his flexing forearm. Under your nails, angry red crescents dig into the muscle there. What had been a languid, building pleasure suddenly becomes everything. Your breaths run away from you, and you chase them frantically. Deep down in your core, the muscles spasm and rage against his fingers. āHāoh god,ā you groan. Even the muscles in your thighs and tummy tighten up.Ā
āSo whiny...ā Kai mumbles, voice taut with the effort of eroding you down into pure, blinding-white pleasure.Ā
And then, in a swoop of mercy, your belly tightens. You hover here, on the precipice of something so consuming and voracious that your muscles and bones reject it, and yet your heart sings. Your eyes and cheeks and lungs and belly burn, the flame charring the edges of you in a beckon. You answer its call. Kai doesnāt mind the snapping of your legs shut around his arm, nor does your bucking or shaking deter him. He just holds you through it, arm like a metal bar around your waist. Heās everywhere, in this momentāthe smell of him, leather and utterly familiar, his mouth dusting hot kisses over your skin, his fingers guiding you through orgasm. Where youād gone silent in the initial crash of it, you devolve into mewls and grunts as you come down. Ā
He holds you even as you slump against him boneless. Afterglow simmers in your veins and has your brain all lethargic and lazy. Neither of you speak for a while, your pulse thumping a rhythm. His breaths rise and fall against you; it grounds you in this moment where you feel all spacey and gone. You become aware again of how disgustingly sweltering it is in his room, your skin sheened.Ā
That brainless bliss only lasts you for so long, though. When rational mind returns to you, no matter how you wish it wouldnāt, youāre hit in the chest with regret so hard it knocks the wind out of you.Ā
How will anything ever be the same after what youād just done? Stricken still by the thought, you barely register him pulling his fingers out of you. After all your worrying about making sure no wedge comes between you two, look what youāve gone and done. No; nothing ever will be the same again. Ā
A couple of weeks ago, you ruined the one friendship you were supposed to have forever. It presses down heavy one you while you sit sprawled out on Yeonjunās couch, his arm around your shoulder. His phone casts a glow over his features with all the lights out.Ā
It doesnāt smell like home. He, pressed against your side, doesnāt smell like home. Ā
Some stupid movie that heād picked out, yet somehow youāve ended up the only one still watching it, weaves a hum into the quiet of his apartment. Tangy hurt wells up in your throat. Even the moments when you and Kai would sit in mutual silence on your phones never felt like this. This is different. Ā
You havenāt seen Kai since that night. Heās been busy getting ready to move out, and youāve been here most days. How fast all of it had changed. You wish youād feel whiplashed, left empty, by the drifting that youād been so terrified of. But you donāt. Itās just been you, locked on land, watching him being taken away by the oceanās tide with no way to change its course. You tried and screamed to call him back, but now your voice has gone hoarse. Ā
And instead of watching him go, you choose to look elsewhere. Itās all you can do to protect yourself from the hurt.Ā
āHey,ā Yeonjun says, finally addressing you rather than whoeverās heās got in his phone. āDid you bring anything to change into?ā Ā
āI brought stuff to sleep in,ā you say, eyeing him. You know thatās not why heās asking. If it came down to it, you could just steal something from him and pull it on. He means going out clothes. Your jaw tightens. āBut nothing nice. Why?āĀ
He stretches his arms behind his head in a flaunt of long arms and tanned muscle. Hours spent at the gym lent him those; you appreciate the look of it with a watering mouth. Kai had earned his build by hours spent outside with your dad, because his own could care less, helping him fix up cars and vehicles of all ridiculous sorts. You remember when Kai had first gotten his truckājunk on wheels, honestlyāheād spent so much of summer out there getting it running. And, well... the sun-kissed bronze of his skin and frame that came with it, you had no qualms with.Ā
But those memories only sit heavy in your chest as youāre sat here beside Yeonjun. You banish them elsewhere; you need to let him drift off. If you canāt have each other, and your feelings wonāt permit just being friends, then you have to. You want him to do amazing things, and you fear that itās your presence in his life that will interrupt that. As much as your feelings are real, they are selfish. You, your unsure direction and all your dead weight, should let him go. Because you love him.Ā
āThe guys want to come over,ā he tells you, pushing off from the couch. āYou should probably into change into something less showy.āĀ
Less showy. Your mouth drops into a scoff of disbelief, looking down. A pair of shorts and a shirt, showy? You have to laugh, or else youāll succumb to the strange embarrassment crawling at the back of your skull. Whatās he trying to say? Is that what he thinks of you? āWhatās that supposed to mean?ā you say, face tilted up to him in a twist of distaste. āIām wearing something comfy.āĀ
He shrugs, hands shoved into the pockets of his black sweats. āDonāt want to give them the wrong idea about you, thatās all, baby. Theyāre guys; I just want to protect you.āĀ
āNo,ā you say, the word falling out in a barked laugh. āWhy would you even be bringing over dudes that you think will look at me like that? Why are you even friends with people that you think are gonna make moves on your girlfriend?ā He holds a hand out to you, but your hands stay right where they are: crossed solidly over your chest.Ā
Throwing that hand up in audacious exasperation, he gives you a look that makes you feel small and petulantālike youāre throwing an overblown fit. And, maybe you are. You should probably just do it; him seeing you as some overbearing or high maintenance girl has that embarrassment flaring like wildfire thatās found dry brush. āCāmon, baby,ā he says, a lazy smile on his mouth that gets under your skin. āLetās just have an easy night. Donāt make it a big deal.āĀ
Letās just have an easy night. As if youāre the one ruining the night. Something snarky tries to seize your tongue, but you hold it down. āI thought it would be just us. We wanted to watch the movie together, Yeonjun. Canāt you wait to hang out with your friends? Letās enjoy our time together; youāve got your shift tomorrow.āĀ
āMy fucking god,ā he groans, running a hand through his hair furiously. āYouāre needy, you know that? The neediest Iāve ever had to put up with. I donāt put up with needy, baby. Canāt you just chill out a little? My last didnāt mind when Iād have friends over.āĀ
Your eyes burn. Your cheeks burn. Heād been with plenty of other girls before you; that, youāre well aware of. Itās been a corrosive source of self-doubt for you. You donāt want that title: the neediest heās ever had. Donāt want him to think of you as some prude that wonāt let him have fun. Just... hearing him bring up the other girls heād been with before you stings and leaves welts no different from a slap in the face. Feelings of inadequacy shackle you and have you saying, āFine. Iām gonna borrow some of your clothes.āĀ
Heavy resentment blooms on your skin where he bends down and presses kisses to your cheek, and then mouth, and then down your neck. āThank you, baby.āĀ
And, where those ugly, wilted flowers of it bloom, you hear echoes of something. Something that tells you that Kai wouldnāt treat you like this. But youāve made your bed, decided to do it yourself, and now youāve got to lay on it.Ā
The frat parties are the worst kind of social outing that Yeonjun insists upon. The smaller kinds, more intimate gathering with just his closer friends, you tolerate much easier. Youāre not fond of the circles he chooses. Breathing in thick, smoked-out air surrounded by alcohol-coated breaths is not your type of fun night. Somehow, you end up doing that more than date nights. But thatās better than being here. The base rumbles up through your feet and makes your stomach sick, and it reeks of grinding bodies and body odor, and condensation coats your fingers from the red solo cup as full as when youād first gotten it.Ā
But, still, you come along. Not every time, but when you donāt, you lay in his bed sickening yourself with images of what he might be doing here. How pathetic is it to attend parties with your boyfriend because you fear that otherwise, he might stick his tongue down the throats of other girls?Ā
Youāre looking for him right now, awkward and left alone. Heād promised to stick around; you had begged him to. That was pathetic, too. You know that you put up with too much. If he loved you, or honestly even liked you, you two would be in the thick of the throngs dancing or off somewhere talking with others. Together. The frantic skimming and weeding of your eyes through the blur of faces is not right. Thatās not how he should make you feel. Itās not how Kai would make you feel.Ā
Well, Kai would never have you here in the first place.Ā
Venturing out from your little corner, you sift between the bodies of people have a hell of a lot better time than you. Drunken, some you bounce off of like bumper carts. You press your palm over the round face of your cup to spare the floor from spillage threatening to pour over the lip. Itās not like a splash from yours would matter much, though. The linoleum has already been made a fetor mess of dirt off shoes and the sticky sugar of liquor. Your shoes peel from it as you walk. God, what would your parents think of you being here?Ā
You peek around corners and eye big groups. Heās not in the kitchen when you look there, either. Your stomach feels sick in a knowing wayāa gut feeling that doesnāt justify anger or tears just yet, but you know. Right in the center of your chest, you know.Ā
Itās in some room that you find him. Sat on the floor along with a few faces you donāt know, he pulls from his bottle. And on his shoulder, he lets a girl with shining curls and pink cheeks rest her head. At your busting in on the intimate gathering, Yeonjunās eyes slide to you. Recognition flashes over them and wars with bleary drunkenness.Ā
āHey, baby,ā he says. Their gazes all fall on you, but you can hardly see them through blurry eyes.Ā
The girl lifts her head from his shoulder. Sheād caught the memo.Ā
āI think Iām gonna go.ā You make it sound resigned, try to not let them see your shame, but your voice betrays you and crackles. Maybe itās better to pretend it doesnāt feel like youāve just been kicked in the stomach and left to reel against the force, but you canāt. Youāre nowhere near shocked, nowhere near blindsided, but still you hurt.Ā
He follows you down the hall. āWhatās your problem?ā he says, the few, plain words mending and waving into a slurring.Ā
Youāve got one goal: get to the front door, away from the shitty music and him. His words, sharpened, fall off your skin despite his efforts. What good would fighting do you, anyway? It was always going to end up this way. This is just who he is, and he doesnāt give two shits enough about you to want to change that.Ā
āBaby, seriously? That made you this mad? I didnāt even fucking do anything. Stop being insecure,ā he says. At the gritting of your teeth, he sees an opportunity and pounces on it. āYou donāt need to be jealous. I donāt do jealous shit. We can dance, or something. Shit, I donāt know what you want! Just stop throwing a fit.āĀ
Didnāt do anything? You have to laugh. Maybe you didnāt walk in on him fucking someone else, but thatās not what this is about. Not even a little bit. Youāve checked out, and the fact that he thinks he can make you believe that itās your fault this time only drives the killing stake in harder.Ā
Maybe youāre bitter. It claws at your insidesāturns your face hot and screams in your face that youāve been used. But beside it sits a sadness. Not the slow kind, but the quick sadness of hurt. Why hadnāt you been good enough for him to love you? To like you? Youād left behind Kai and rested your new life on Yeonjunās shoulders. Youād wanted so badly for his approval, or for him to want you. You did your best to try and make this work out because you needed it to. You needed so desperately proof that you could fall in love with somebody else. But your best was not what Yeonjun was interested in. Ā
Pins and needles prick your skin as you step outside, like jumping into an ice bath. It shocks you out of dizziness. Words surge up and out in a flash flood like hard reality. You spin on him. āJealous?ā you say, choking out a scathing laugh. āThe last thing Iād ever let myself suffer over you is jealousy. Get over yourself. Iām going, stay here if you want. I donāt care.āĀ
āHow are you gonna do that, huh?ā he says. The flickering yellow of the porchlight paints his features. The shadow of something fluttering around it cuts dark spots in the light, and then a small little moth comes down and jumps around in his face. He waves it off. āGonna have bitch boy come pick you up? You canāt leech off him forever; heās gonna get sick of picking up another manās girlfriend.ā It seems like you walking in on that had sobered him up, but his breath still curls out onto your face with the reek of alcohol. āItās not a big deal. Youāre making this a bigger deal than it has to be. Do you not trust me?ā Ā
āYou are such a piece of shit,ā you grit out. āI donāt know what I was thinking. Ever. I donāt know how I let this go on for so long.ā You donāt like him having Kai in his mouth, donāt like him trying to act like youāre conflating things, and especially donāt like that face heās making. As if youāre acting crazy and overblown. āNo, I donāt trust you. You didnāt fuck her, but come on, Yeonjun. Seriously? You think Iām stupid, and Iām sick of it. You thought this would be easy because I didnāt have the experience you have, but Iām sorry. I donāt like being walked over.āĀ
āIf youāre gonna be so goddamn jealous, then maybe we arenāt gonna work,ā he says.Ā
That moth, floating light in the air, is right back in his face. Yeonjun takes two hands and smashes it between a clap of his hands. He shakes its flattened, broken body off his hand. Looking down at it laying there on top of dirt-caked concrete, you get this... feeling. A tickling around your person. Ā
āSee if I care,ā you snap, throat aching against the onslaught of emotion and held back tears. Ā
Rivulets of raindrops dilute the tears on your cheeks. Your hair plasters to your face and your clothes to your body. Ā
For a week, youād went about it all as if it hadnāt happened. And then you came here. Ā
Itād not been this rainy when you first got down to the creekājust a gentle trickle, really. You hadnāt been crying then, either. But, watching the water work at babbling over stone, you let yourself feel it. Here, where youād had so many good memories. Youāve gone and tainted it, now. But for whatever reason, youād just wanted to be here. Arms curled around yourself and fingers digging into drenched sleeves, you donāt wipe away the tears or cover the sounds of your crying. You let the stream hear it; itāll sweep it right up and down the way. Somewhere far off, where you donāt have to feel it anymore.Ā
You realize that, usually, youād be over at Kaiās right now. The fact that his room was not the first place you thought you could go to anymore is a punch to the gut. You drop your face into your hands and cry harder. Really, youāve got to stop doing that to yourself. Thinking of sad thingsāputting your hurt under the microscope to see it closer. Itād be easier to just fold it up and tell yourself that itāll pass, and that relationships end all the time.Ā
Itās not him that you cry over. Well, maybe some of it is. Rather, itās that you have absolutely no idea where youāre going. Where you are. Finally, youād built yourself a raft to get off the shore and go out to sea, because thatās what youāre supposed to do, and itās breaking apart right beneath you. And, stranded and alone in the water, youāve got no way to get back to shore to build yourself another raft. Youāre stranded, and the scariest bit is that youāre doing it all alone. You werenāt supposed to do this alone. You two made promises back then.Ā
You suppose that a promise is one of those things you were supposed to leave faith in back on shore.Ā
The raindrops are heavy over you. The fall of it roars against the ground, a torrent downpour. Itās not coupled with whipping wind or flashes of lightningājust straight, still falling. Itās a somber feeling no different from the gnawing in your chest.Ā
Like chimes, thereās a distant, gentle sound. Maybe water falling over creek rock, but itās more like suggestion. A sweet sound that you shouldnāt even be able to hear over the rest of it, itās as if itās right in your ear. A whisper. Ā
You fix your blurry eyes with a wet sleeve. Rain falls right back into its place, but you see it: a silvery, whimsy haze. And the moths. They jump and call you, this time. Their glow bounces off the rainy mist against the grey of nightās arrival. Then, all you can hear is the whispering. Where you stand frozen, your feet beg to move. To follow them.Ā
Their entourage of moondust trails them where they go, wrapping you up and weaving between raindrop and space. You donāt worry where theyāll take you, or even try to wrap your head around this happening again. You just follow, mind glossed over and entranced with how beautiful it is. When youād seen them before, itād made you uneasy. Mostly because it looked so unearthly and unbelievable.Ā But this time you just follow.Ā
A far-off voice, one oh-so-familiar, peaks through the haze. Itās not enough to stop you, but then you hear it again, louder and closer.Ā
You blink a few times. Once to break away the fog, and then twice to focus your eyes on Kai stood in front of you. His hair lays in wet spikes over his eyes and beads of rain trace the planes of his face. Heās as soaked as you.Ā
āKai?ā you say. Looking around you, youāve ended up somewhere in the field between your houses and the creek. But youāve got no recollection of walking here. Whatever that mist is, sentient or not, had swept you here. Ā
His voice is strained, but you appreciate hearing it. āBreak up with him,ā he tells you.Ā
In his eyes, as you search them, thereās stardust glowing like reflection. Your face twists up. āWhat?ā you say, breath a puff of smoke ahead of you. Summer had come and gotten away from you so fast, and now itās gone all cold again.Ā
āBreak up with him,ā he echos, face solemn. He looks ruffled.Ā
āWhy?ā you ask, āAnd why are you out here?āĀ
āBecause Iām moving out today, and I think I deserve to at least see you before I go.ā His eyes look over you. āAnd... your dad said you went down to the creek.āĀ
Heās moving out today, and you had no idea. And really, itās your fault. Youād driven that wedge between the two of you. āI did break up with him.āĀ
Downpour fills his quiet for a few moments, his face swirling with emotion like the clouds above you. He nods. āGood.āĀ
There are a few more long minutes between you; just you two searching each other's faces, antsy to say so much that it bunches up in your chests and stalls. Itās what a summer of longing does to you. Even with Yeonjun, even trying to slowly chip away the stitching that had connected the two of you at the hip, you were helpless to stop the gnawing of the love you bear for him. Even just seeing him now, you feel those threads mending back up. God, why does it have to be so hard?Ā
He just looks at you. For a few beats, he just looks at you. There are so many questions in his eyes. They flit across and turn over, but all he settles on is, āWhy?āĀ
Thereās so much you want to tell him. Words pile up to the top, some threatening to spill over. But you know that if you tell him some of it, just to make up for all the time youād missed out on together, itāll all come crashing out. And you donāt think you want him to know just how much you accepted, the way you let yourself get treated. So, you shake your head and say, āIt doesnāt matter.āĀ
Kai looks like he wants to push that issue, but whatever look he finds on your face deters him. āCome with me,ā he pleads. āI want you to come with me.āĀ
Your throat tightens. Curling your arms around yourself harder, the rain only coming down on you harder, you say, āKai, I want to. I want to. I just... I donāt want to freeload off you, because youāre doing great things, and Iām just...ā Your tongue darts out to wet your lips, but theyāre already as soaked as the rest of you. āIām just going nowhere. And I donāt want to be a burden, or ever be the reason that you canāt do what you dream of. If staying here means that you become everything that youāre destined to do, then Iām happy with that, Kai. I am.āĀ
He shakes his head, stumbling toward you. āNo, no you donāt get it,ā he says, frantically taking your shoulders into big hands. Under his touch, every taut muscle goes slack. You melt. āYou donāt get it. You are the music. Every single song is about you. Every single fucking song is about you. I want you to come with me, please. I love you, I have always loved you, and I will always love you, and I thought youād loved me too, and I donāt want to do this alone. I canāt do it alone.āĀ
He loves you. Kai loves you. The enormity of it rumbles the ground where you stand on legs you fear might just give in. You flex your fingers to combat the tears pricking your eyes. It doesnāt work; they brim and well up, spilling down over your cheeks. āWhat?ā you say, voice softly breaking. āKai, I didnāt...āĀ
āAnd just when I thought I finally had you, you left me,ā he says, throwing a hand up beside him in a big gesture. āYou left me! I woke up thinking youād be there, and that maybe you loved me too, and you had left me. And then you threw me away for some piece of shit, and you stopped coming around.ā His chest heaves for breaths.Ā
Your face contorts. That night, the one where you two had slipped up, youād fallen asleep curled up against his chest on undiluted contentment. When you woke up, you had panicked. You thought heād wake up and pretend it hadnāt happened, or heād be uncomfortable, or even be disgusted and regretting. You couldnāt handle that, so you slipped out before he woke up. Itād been an attempt to protect your tender heart, but looking at the twitching of his lip now, you begin to think itās the most selfish thing youāve ever done. He thinks you used him and left him. Your stomach twists. Voice thick, you say, āIām sorry. Iām sorry I left you, Kai. I thought you didnāt... I thought you didnāt see me that way. I was scared. Iām sorry I hurt you.āĀ
Brows knitted together, he says, āThought I didnāt love you?ā His hand cups your cheek, warm against the soft frozen skin he finds there. āIāve... Iāve dreamed of you almost every night of my life. In my sleep, I see you, and youāre happy and glowing, and that damn... mist is all around you. I couldnāt get away from you even in my sleep.āĀ
Darting between his eyes, soft and reflecting your face back to you, itās hard to breathe. Kaiās dreamt of you; heās as sickly in love with you as you are him. Thunder claps, and the ground shakes, and the heavens open up above you, the trumpets belt, and you two are in love. Somewhere deep in your center, you feel itāyour soul nodding yes.Ā
The mist. You know exactly what heās talking about. āI saw it. That stuff, those moths. The stuff we saw back then.āĀ
āI did too,ā he says, wet spikes of hair bouncing with a nod. āNot that long ago. It was the first time I saw it out of a dream since that day.āĀ
Back then, you two had only budding, innocent love for each other. Things hadnāt become mangled and lost to confused hearts or expectations. When theyād appeared to you, you hadnāt needed it. This time, youād followed it. And it had led you hereāsomehow had led you right to the very spot you needed to so that every last piece might fall into place. For this moment to happen. You know why it did.Ā
āIāll go with you, Kai. Iāll go wherever you go; I love you. Iāve loved you since forever,ā you say, each and every word massive and lovely on your tongue. āIām sorry I didnāt say it earlier.āĀ
So unlike the last times your mouth had met, he brings his mouth to yours with a dazzling clarity. No longer is it confused kisses; he locks his lips against yours with the urgency of so many years being unable to. Kaiās hands cradle your wet cheeks, hold you so tenderly into his kiss. His touch grounds you, makes the moment real. You melt into himāyour fingers curled into his shirt as if holding him there so that he wonāt disappear like something of an incorporeal dream. He sighs through his nose, kissing you harder. Even if it all were fake and this was nothing more than a feverish figment of your imagination, you think you could die happy just knowing this once.Ā
But it is utterly real, and utterly yours. You kiss him harder, too.Ā
When your lungs start to burn and plead for breath, you two pull away from each other. Your eyes flutter open to capture his. Warm and brown and the same ones youāve stared into so many times before, but not like this, you sink into them. He runs his thumb over your cheek as he sinks into yours. His tongue darts out to lick lips painted with you. In the inches between you, space no longer feels heavy or charged with grievances. Every last unsaid thing had been answered.Ā
āI have my stuff up in the truck,ā he says, breaths soft. Brown eyes dart around your face. āIāll help you add your stuff to it.āĀ
You shudder out a breath. Add your stuff to it. A nervous energy settles down over you, but it doesnāt seem so bad if youāre doing it with him. Together. Ā
āOkay,ā you whisper, a balmy secret just like the ones you used to share in small, giggly voices so many years ago. āOkay.āĀ
Shivers seize you like jittering bones, all wrapped up in a blanket. The velour cushion seats beneath you have soaked up water and become damp, but Kaiās got the heater blasting. You wind around back roads, headlights illuminating the way ahead of you. Stray droplets whip in them, but nothing much. Isnāt it funny how the rain had just stopped like that? Thatās just how the weather is, out here. You wonder how the weather might act wherever youāre headed.Ā
Your teeth chatter as if your jaw had its own will. The two of you had the windows down thinking that the wind might dry you off, but all itās done is lap at your bitten cheeks. You reach down for the handle to crank it up. Youāve got a long drive ahead of youāeither youāll eventually dry off, or you can pull off at a rest area to change in a bathroom. The wet clothes are really not helping.Ā
With an arm up on the steering wheel, Kai turns his attention on you. You know that smile. āCold?ā he asks, eyes darting between your face and the road. With the hand heās not got working the steering wheel, he runs fingers over your thigh. Soft, gentle massages, yes. The number it does on your core is absurd. Each mindless digging into your thighs and brush of his thumb, sparks sputter there. Youāve sat here, right in his passenger seat, so many times before. Day trips up to the lake, the one heād joined your family camping at for so many summers, all the times heād driven you to school in this truck, and even just a quick run down to a convenience store for a late-night snack. Youād deemed it your seat. But never once had you sat in it like this. Your heart does a flip. All those times youād wish heād reach over and do just thisāa small gesture that wouldāve been so big then. And itās your reality, now. Ā
āFreezing,ā you say. A brush of his fingers nearer the apex of your thighs sends you pressing them together and shifting in your seat. āBut not everybody runs as hot as you, though, so.āĀ
His eyes catch the movement in just the split second he looked over to you. āHuh,ā he says. He turns to look at you, his gaze flickering with something anew. Something that youād only ever seen once before. āIs that it?āĀ
Itās hard to swallow. His fingers brushĀ higher, and higher, feather-dustings of calloused fingertips that sends tingles shooting up your spine at the slightest suggestion of where heās headed. āYes,ā you say, feigning indignance to cover the shiver that threatens to overtake you. When his fingertips dance at the waistband of your bottoms, it does so anyway. āKai,ā you say, blood hot in your veins. āYouāre...driving.āĀ
His eyebrows pinch into a taunting furrow. āI am,ā he says, nodding. āDonāt worry about it, baby. Iāve got us.āĀ
And he does; fingers slipping under the band of both your bottoms and your panties, he doesnāt even tear his eyes off the road. Heād driven these roads so much, you think he might be able to do it asleep. Even drawing a mewl from you with a brush over your clit, he doesnāt look away more than a quick glimpse at your pinkened cheeks.Ā
Two fingers dragging up your folds, right over the source of the mess. āYou get excited so easily, huh?ā he hums. āYou like it when I play with you.āĀ
When he presses those fingers at your entrance, you canāt help but be taken back to that night. It echoes and reverberates through you. Long fingers, strong and punctual brushes against the sweet spotāhe was criminally good with his fingers. Playing guitar did more for him than just music. He seemed to know exactly how to utilize those roughened fingers and trained flicks. Your muscles flicker as he abandons your hole for more brushes at your bud. Ā
Those teasing, sly touches turn to something more serious. His fingers roll over your clit, slow but enough to have you sighing and rolling your hips against the seat belt. But last time had gone just like this, him touching you and receiving nothing. He should feel good, too. āShouldnāt you pull over?ā you sigh, muscles taut. Your breaths come out shuddering and half-controlled, interrupted by the tightness that each delicious swirl provokes. The door takes the brunt of your grip, white-knuckling the interior.Ā
He laughs, a husky sound that is tinder to fire. He knows what you mean. āMaybe,ā he says. āBut I think Iām enjoying this plenty. I think I want to see you cum on my fingers again.āĀ
Fingers pinching and flicking faster, you grow breathy and whiny, hips rolling against the seatbelt and back into the seat. Your muscles, all the way down your thighs and deep in your belly, jump and twitch each time his fingers run over your clit in just the right spotāthat tender spot thatās so good that it teeters on overwhelming. The kind that makes you hiss and then want more. āShit, Kai,ā you whine. āRightāthere, keep going." Ā
He doesnāt answer with any teasing words. No, he just doubles down right at that angle and pressure, leaned back into his seat and driving as if he wasnāt fingers-deep in your panties right now. His sculpted profile at total easeāit does something for you. A delicious tightness curls its fingers over your center, promising a sugary ecstasy that you canāt help but chase. Bucking into his hands as best you can, you go quiet. Right thereāright there, you feel it. The cusp. Your fingers brush over it, clenching around nothing and squeezing your thighs tight around him. Every last drop of blood in your body reaches for it, singing and dancing through your veins and making you dizzy.Ā
And then he stops. Your mouth drops open, whiplashed and helpless to its slipping away from you. You whittle your gaze into something sharp and turn to him. āWhatāwhy?ā you complain. The tide slips further and further and further back, but you still taste sea salt on your tongue. Frustration sets in its place as you feel it go. Seriously, youād been right there. āYouāre so mean.āĀ
He slows and then with the clicking of the turn signal, heās off the road and pulling the truck into park on a little secluded side road. Where the headlights pierce the pitch black, nothing but gravel and field surrounds you. He doesnāt kill the engine, instead pulling his hand free from you.Ā
Your heart, still stuttering with your lost orgasm, kicks back to life as he smears your slick over your mouth, dragging it over your lips and then taking his thumb to run it right over the plush of your mouth. āAm I?ā he says, fingers taking your chin to meet your eyes with his. Endless hunger, pupils so blown that his eyes look black, pins you. āI donāt think youāve seen mean yet, baby.āĀ
Darting your tongue out to clean your lips, you look at him through your eyelashes. āShow it to me, then.āĀ
Something dark passes over his face. It has your skeleton jumping out of your body. Then, he says, āIs that what you want? You want mean?āĀ
Brain gone to mush that can only really think about him touching you, a slow nod is all you can manage.Ā
The engineās hum prevails for some long, thick seconds. And then, he tilts his head in a gesture. āGet in the back.āĀ
Holy shit. You want to sit there frozen in an overwhelming sort of excitement, but his seatbelt clicks undone and youāre set into motion. In a flurry of giggles and clumsy limbs, you climb up over the center console and into the backseat. He slips out of the front seat, not bothering to even kill the engine.Ā
The door beside you opens in a swirl of cold wind. In nothing more than a blink, a strong hand has both your wrists pinned to the cushions and your back flush against it. Nose-to-nose, his breath hot over your face. āIāve got plenty of ideas as to how I can warm you up.āĀ
You appreciate each otherās faces for a beat more, you looking up at him big-eyed and waiting. Kai breaks the moment to attack your neck in a processionĀ of bites and kisses. Your mouth falls into a silent sound.Ā
āYou know,ā he says, free hand working your pants off. His eyes are trained on you, though. āI thought about doing this to you all summer. Touching you again.ā He moves on to your top, pushing the fabric up until your chest is freed, clad in soft cotton. He eats the sight up. You want to reach down and cup the back of his head or feel his hair between your fingers as he presses his mouth against the soft beginning of your cleavage, but heās got your wrists firmly planted. So much so, that you wonder exactly how heās got you so secure with just one hand. Kai is strong, but maybe you hadnāt seen just how strong. Your skin aches under the purple bites he decorates you in. The sight of himāface in your chest and marking you up so lazilyāhas your teeth abusing your bottom lip. Whatever sounds you might make otherwise would be embarrassing. Kai lifts his eyes to you. āAnd I think you thought of me, too. Didnāt you?āĀ
āOh, god, yes,ā you say, writhing beneath him. Heās going so slow. You want him all over you. āSo much.āĀ
He likes that. He takes your pebbled nipple into his mouth through the fabric. Soft grazes of teeth and sucks, youāre burning all over. When he pulls back, heās left you dark wet patches when the bra had only just dried against your body heat. āGood,ā he rasps, taking his big hands demanding and hungry over your torso. They swallow your frame up, soothing skin but lighting it aflame all the same. āGood girl.āĀ
You never thought just words could unravel you, but those did the job. Not a gasp, nor a sucking in of breathāno, you go silent and brainless, fumbling for rational thought.Ā
The dropping of your jaw has Kai delighted. āYouāre so pretty,ā he says. In a swift and powerful hoist, heās tugging you down the cushions toward him with greedy fingers. Heās got your thighs pressed up to your chest. Youāre bent right in half.Ā
Out of breath, you huff out, āYou too.āĀ
A quick laugh falls from his mouth, lips pulled into a smug tilt. He nips at your calf up by his face. āSo sweet, it almost makes me feel bad for what Iām about to do to you.ā Reaching down for your panties, he pulls back on the suffocating press for only enough time to drag them up your legs. Those get discarded somewhere on the floor. Who cares about that right now, though? All you can register is the metallic clinking of his belt being undone. Itās got your nervous system twisting up.Ā
And, those words. Electricity shoots bolts of pure, sizzling revery into your core. What Iām about to do to you. You imagine a great deal of things that he might mean, but still, you think that none could hold a candle against the promise his voice held in saying it.Ā
Kai presses his body to your thighs and hooks your calves over his shoulders, and it all becomes real. The press of his heavy cock to your folds, the digging of his fingers into your outer thighs, his pretty eyes sparkling with something feral. As real as it getsāmore real than anything youāve ever felt in the entirety of your life. Your hands find perch flattened to his broad chest.Ā
The position leaving you two no option but to look right into each other, he holds your gaze and begins slow drags of his hot length up and down your slit. Tantalizing, awful, awful drags. When his tip nudges your eager clit, you jolt. And then he does it again. And again.Ā
āKai,ā you mewl. A press against your hole has you hopeful, and he lingers there for a moment, but doesnāt give it to you. Canāt he just fuck you? Youāve never been more pitifully in need of something in your life.Ā
āShh.ā His ruts get more daring, smearing your slick up onto your belly. āTake it.āĀ
You wiggle your toes in the air and make passes at arching yourself into him in search of better friction. Heās got you pressed so suffocatingly into the seat that it does absolutely nothing for you. In fact, he holds your harder and changes tack so that your thighs press together. At the very apex of them, his weeping cock slips through the seam.Ā
Pressing his cheek into your calf, he watches you. Every gasp and shaky inhale, he watches. It spurs his rutting on, sticky sounds and pants eating up the air. Your nails claw at his hands as, finally, a knot tightens in your core.Ā
āYes, please,ā you breathe. He fucks your thighs harder. Faster. Every nudge at your clit and hole becomes euphoric. āKai, babyāIām gonnaāāĀ
Just as furiously easy as last time, he rips it all away from you. The rushing away of the buzzing and promise of shaking thighsāhe takes it from you again. It brings prickling tears to your eyes. āKai?ā you hiss. āAgain?āĀ
His eyes arenāt playful. He pulls your calves back over his shoulders, handling your hips into a better position to press his cock right at your entrance as if you weigh nothing. Face utterly straight, he says, āI donāt think you deserve it, do you? Not after what you did with Yeonjun.āĀ
A swallow goes down your throat hard. He presses himself just a bit harder into you. Not in yet, but right there.Ā
When he does begin sliding in, the stretch of it... You cling to him and squirm between him and the warm cushions behind you. Each inch is a heady feeling, all the way up to the hilt of him. He shudders a controlled breath. āYouāre so fucking tight, though,ā he grits out. āDid he not fuck you right?āĀ
Slaps of skin bounce off the car interior and between your bodies. He starts off at a brutal pace; you know itās meant to make your brain go foggy. Squeezing your eyes closed, you manage, āI... didnāt fuck him.ā It comes out strangled, voice bouncing as he fucks you into the car seat.Ā
Thumb tugging your bottom lip down and then dipping into your mouth, he watches the show of your ecstasy down to every last detail. āYeah?ā he says, voice shaking and almost desperate. āAlways thinking of me, huh? Such a good little princess. You know exactly where your heart belongs.ā Ā
You want to answer him, even just with a whine or moan. You try to. But with his thumb pressing down on your tongue, enough to pin it to the floor of your mouth, itās not gonna happen. He tastes salty in your mouth.Ā
His truck consists of his grunts and whines, and your taut groans for some moments that seem to stretch forever. The planes of his groin grind against your clit when he delivers occasional pointed rolls, but mostly itās just an animalistic, feverish dancing of your two sweaty bodies, holds growing more frantic the closer you get. Ā
Thumb wet with saliva; he frees your mouth. The hand trails slowly down your face and your chin, brushing feather touches, until he finds your neck.Ā
Your eyes fly open, wide. He pressed his fingers into your neckāno real pressure yet, he looks at you through damp strands of dangling hair and says, āWant my fingers around your neck?ā His thumb brushes over the buzzing pulse point there.Ā
āYes,ā you grit out, body bouncing and back raw with friction against the coarse cushionās surface. Your breath stutters, your mind stutters. Even your blinks stutter, eyelids too lazy to keep up. āPlease.āĀ
The pressure of his fingers thereāit frightens you and has you tightening around him at the same time. But you would trust nobody more with your life than Kai.Ā
He presses his cheek to your calf to indulge in the sight of you like this: underneath him, folded in two, nowhere to go but to take his pistoning hips, cheeks blazing, and his fingers pressed into your windpipe. If the way he becomes sloppier and more desperate in his tempo has anything to say for it, it does something for him.Ā
āGonna be my pretty little girlfriend, huh?ā he says. His voice is tightāso is your belly. Youāre both so close. Hopefully, this time heāll let you cum. āTake you to every show; show you off to everybody. Fuck.āĀ
Brain like static and swimming with a pinched flow of oxygen, you slur your words. āYouāreāhahāgonna have other girls all over you.āĀ
The taunting, split-second raise of his brows flips your belly. You tighten around him again. If he keeps hitting that spot, tip ramming into the soft spot deep inside you that heād taken such delicate care of finding last time, youāre going to burst into sparkling flame and firework. He growls, āWell, Iāll just have to knock you up so that they know Iām yours, huh?āĀ
Holy shit. You like the sound of that. Your nails dig into his wrist around your neck, but you cry out a pitchy, āYes!āĀ
āOh, you like that?ā Kai releases your throat to take both your hips. You gulp for air, finding nothing but the thick air of sex and humid breaths, at the opportunity. Heās ramming into you like heās found a purpose. āIsnāt this the perfect position to do it? Get you pregnant?āĀ
With every last bit of brain power youāve got, teetering on the edge excruciatingly close to salvation, you groan a long, hoarse sound. āFuck, yes! Please, Kai, insideāā A hot trail of tears roll down your temples.Ā
Itās all heās got to hear to still inside you. His growl rumbles deep in his chest, holding you in place and filling you with his hot cum deep in your cunt. That feeling, coupled with his short grinds against your clit as he fucks his seed deeper, takes your soul by sinful claws and crumbles it down into nothing. You burst into aĀ shaking, whimpering peak, sucking your lips into your mouth to bare through the sheer twisting of your insides and the flame that consumes up your thighs and cunt.Ā
He falls on you heavy, face in your neck. Warm kisses against your clammy skin meld with your slow floating down, the two of you a beautiful, nasty picture of fucked out. He stays right inside youāthe absolute stillness of him, you think he has no plans of pulling out any time soon. His long fingers card through your sweaty locks of hair.Ā
Finally, he presses himself off you. You get a glimpse of the window behind himāfogged up and filthy with your affairs. Anybody to see the truck from the outside would know exactly what went on inside, but right now, you donāt care. Not one bit. Your panted breaths drag in nothing but musk and thick, hot air. The drumbeat in your chest tells you that, despite how you feel ripped straight from your body, you are very much still alive. More alive than ever.Ā
āWarm?ā he says, pushing sticky hair off his forehead. Heās a mess, too. His hair is ruffled with your touch, his clothes rumpled the same, beads of sweat rolling down the planes of his cheeks and neck, and his eyes a lazy smolder. As much as he looks like sex personified, a soft smile twitches at his lips.Ā
You snort. You canāt help but feel giddy, here with him. Youāre with him. Nothing has ever felt more right. Unplugged when he pulls out of you, your mess trickles down onto the seat below you. āYeah,ā you say. āVery.āĀ
Warm is not enough to begin to describe how you feel. In your ears, you hear whisperings. Soft and gentle. Perhaps it was divine intervention, or the fates lending you their word, or maybe just rational thought. It says:Ā
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ash: how do we feel about these twooo? i really didn't mean for this to get so long, but i ended up RLLY liking their chemistry. i had to do their story justice. also, i finished this with kai as a guitarist and then his drummer performance came out... hmm.
ļ¹„ (ęµćæ). @lvrs-street2mmorrow , @soohashits , @f4iryfever , @arcturus444 , @linqed , @serenityism00 , @immelissaaa , @luv4cheol , @lickingan0rchid , @20-cms , @hhoneylix , @beestvng , @hyucktapes , @bewitchless , @prince-jjae , @blankliving , @yaoizee , @stormy1408 , @missychief1404 ,
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