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“Il n'est d'enfer plus cruel que l'impuissance.”
— L'Empire du Vampire, Jay Kristoff
La voie du passeur
De la naissance à la mort, nous faisons le parcours d’une vie. Chacun à notre manière, nous rencontrons des obstacles, nous vivons des intempéries, nous explorons des lieux qui parfois suscite l’émerveillement et nous faisons des rencontres qui sont déterminantes dans nos vies. Le passage de la vie est notre grande aventure, dont on ne saisit pas nécessairement le sens et dont certaines…
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Impuissance - Chapter 1
summary ⇢ Even before you saw his face, you knew it was him: Staring down at you with cold eyes was the guy you had seen earlier. Black hair framed his face with a prominent chin and red full lips. When your eyes came to his, you felt like you couldn’t move. They seemed endless and pitch black, like a sky without stars.
pairing ⇢ Taehyung x Reader
word count ⇢ 8k
genre ⇢ supernatural!au | angst | smut
chapter warnings ⇢ violence, kidnapping, emotional abuse
parts ⇢ 01 | …
a/n ⇢ All my Tae feels needed an outlet, so this is how this story came to be...
01 - Heartbeat
The music was loud in your ears. You had to concentrate on Lyn’s voice, telling you about her last concert experience. She was sitting in the stool in front of you, at your favorite bar. Your friend Cara, who was sitting next to you, suddenly poked your side.
“Hm, what is it?” you turned around to face her. Furrowing her eyebrows, Lyn stopped irritated, mid-sentence. Ignoring her, Cara leaned forward conspirational.
“That guy over there, with the black hair and hella expensive looking cloths has been staring at you the entire time Y/N.” she whispered. All your heads turned into his direction and indeed he was looking at you blatantly. When he saw that you noticed him, he even had the audacity to smirk. Heat rushed to your cheeks and you turned back to your friends quickly.
“He doesn’t even fucking care that we caught him!” you exclaimed flustered.
“Why would he tho? Have you seen him? He is extremely good looking.” Lyn observed.
Cara let out a low chuckle. “Careful Lyn, your drooling.”
Making an offended sound at the back of her throat, Lyn tore her eyes of him. And with that, the topic was off the table and your friends continued talking about the concert. You however, couldn’t quite concentrate on the conversation. The prickling sensation of someone’s eyes on you made you nervous. You were sure that the black-haired guy in the back was still looking at you, but you also didn’t want to check. Because he was indeed ridiculously handsome. You felt drawn to him and it would probably only get worse if your eyes were to find his.
You somehow successfully managed to keep your eyes of the mysterious man until your friends and you left the bar, a few hours later. It was late and the only thing you wanted right now was your warm and cozy bed. You parted ways with your friends on the next street corner. You didn’t live far from the bar, but you had to walk a few sketchy alleys in order to get home. Like always, you had agreed with your friends to text each other as soon as each of you got home safely. This gave you at least some sense of security.
Your thoughts still hung at the guy from the bar. The way he had looked at you with those dark eyes of his. He unnerved you and at the same time you felt like you wanted to see him again, to hear what his voice would sound like. Being lost in your thoughts, you didn’t notice the group of drunk men who were lurking at a bench you passed. Unluckily, they did see you. As soon as the first whistle sounded you tried to make yourself smaller, hurrying down the street to leave them behind you as fast as possible. Drunk men scared you, they were unpredictable and in most cases idiots. It seemed, however, that you couldn’t get rid of them so easily. You could hear them following you, yelling for you to stop and to talk to them. Of course, you had no intention of doing so. Your heart was beating fast in your chest and you could hear them coming closer.
Ahead was a small and dark alley, the last one and then you would be home. You sped up even more and just as you wanted to exit the alley, a hand came around your wrist, pulling you back in the shadows. You spun around, panic tightening your chest. But the firm chest you bumped into, didn’t belong to any of the men who had been following you. Slowly you lifted your head. Even before you saw his face, you knew it was him. Every single nerve in your body was prickling at the proximity you were in with him. Staring down at you with cold eyes was the guy from the bar earlier. Black hair framed his face with a prominent chin and red full lips. When your eyes came to his, you felt like you couldn’t move. They seemed endless and pitch black, like a sky without stars.
A shudder went down your spine, ripping you out of your trance. Averting your eyes, you found the bodies lying on the floor behind him. They were the noisy guys who had followed you earlier. Now however they lay perfectly still. To still. It was then that you realized something that made you cold all over. Their eyes were wide open, staring at nothing. Their hands clung to their throats as if something had been choking them. And indeed there were red burns visible all around their necks. You felt nauseous. What had happened? You hadn’t heard anything behind you, but then again you had been very focused on getting away.
“Are… Are they dead?” you whispered.
“Yes.” The man in front of you stated. “I killed them.”
His voice was a deep baritone. Cold and soothing at the same time. You wanted to run. Run home. Hide in your bed and hope that all this had just been a bad dream when you woke up the next morning. But you felt frozen to the spot. Unable to move, unable to tear your eyes of the disturbing sight. “But why?”, you whispered so low that you weren’t sure he could even hear you.
“Because they wanted to hurt you.” He stated like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Your eyes snapped to his face in surprise. He was still looking at you intently. He looked like he didn’t understand why you made such a big deal out of it. “They talked about what they wanted to do to you. They were disgusting little creatures.” His voice was calm, but it had a dangerous edge to it. And for a moment, so short that you weren’t sure if you maybe had just imagined it, his eyes flashed a deep ruby red. His hand was still around your wrist. His skin was cold and yet you felt like your skin was burning were his touched yours. His grip tightened and you winced in pain as he threw back his head studying the roofs above you. “You are not safe here.” he muttered. “I will take you with me.”
Before you could voice any protest, he spun you around. Your back coming flush against his chest, as his other large hand came to your mouth, successfully muffling any sounds you made. Trying to free yourself, you threw back your head, only resulting in exposing your neck to him. His grip on your face tightening. Tilting his head his eyes ran over your neck, eyes slowly changing color.
“Please, don’t make this difficult.”, he warned. This made you panic even more. You dug your heels into the ground, trying to get away from him. But it was impossible. He was ridiculously strong with little effort. However, you had no intention of making this easy.
The black-haired male seemed to notice your defiance as his hand quickly dropped from your mouth to your pulse point. His two fingers pressing into the site of your neck, was the last thing you felt, before everything went pitch black.
________________________________________________
Light behind your eyelids was what woke you up. Slowly, you opened your eyes. They were heavy as stones and the light was so bright, it was almost blinding you. Lifting your arm, you tried to shield your face. Different things came into view: You were in a large room. Windows so tall that they reached the high ceiling, lined the walls on both sides. They were only covered by white silk sheets, which did little to block out the sunlight that was streaming through them. You were sitting in a large double bed, clad in only white as well. The bed was comfortable, and you were sure that, never in your live you had slept in such soft covers. The floor was made from old looking, polished wood. Besides a round fluffy carpet and the bed you were sitting in, the room was empty. This was most definitely not your bedroom. You tried to remember how you got here, but everything was hazy. Different images popped up in your head, all so blurry that you didn’t know if they were dream or reality. Freeing yourself from the warm covers, you stepped out of bed. On the bedside table, you noticed your handbag. You reached for it, hoping to find your phone in order to get some clue as to where you were. Everything was in there, except for your wallet and mobile phone. Letting out a deep sigh, you stood up. You were wearing, what you identified as, your cloths minus a jacket and shoes. The t-shirt and jeans were wrinkled from wearing them to bed. You could feel a light headache pulsing in your temple. Maybe something to drink would help. Next to your bed, on the floor you noticed a pair of fluffy slippers. Putting them on, you walked towards the massive double door that stood at the far wall to the bed. The last thing you remembered was being at your favorite bar with Cara and Lyn. Maybe you had gone partying afterwards and somehow ended up at the place of some extremely wealthy dude? You should probably be more worried, but the only thing that worried you right now, was finding something to drink and maybe to eat.
The wooden door lead into a long hallway lined with other doors and expensive looking rugs and paintings. Whoever the owner of this mansion was, he had a good taste in art, you noted. The delicious smell of pancakes grazed your nose and you found yourself following it down the hall. The room you entered was almost larger than the bedroom you had woken up in. Here as well, large windows lined the one side of the room. Behind them you could see lush green forest. The forest stretched onto the horizon, making you wonder once again where exactly you were at.
“Enjoying the view, are we?”
The sudden voice made you flinch. Turning around you came face to face with a very good-looking, black haired man. He was wearing a green suit with a white shirt underneath. The green complemented his dark hair just perfectly, giving them an emerald sparkle. The first few buttons of his shirt stood open, revealing the perfectly smooth skin of his chest underneath. His posture was relaxed but attentive. There was a mischievous glint in his eyes, seeing your reaction.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to startle you.” He offered, amusement layered in his deep voice.
Somehow you felt like you knew him. His voice and face giving you and odd sensation of familiarity. But if this was the guy you had gone home with last night, you should know him, right? You should ask what had happened. Ask where you where and where your phone and purse were. It was embarrassing really, but you needed to know. You could feel the blush creeping up your cheeks. One-night stands weren’t something you normally did. Being way too shy and careful to go home with a random guy.
“I’m sorry, but I must have had too much to drink last night, so I don’t really remember anything that happened. Could you maybe fill me in?” you asked hopefully. You hated how your voice sounded so small and insecure. You couldn’t help but feel intimidated by the whole situation. By the guy in front of you.
Seemingly, enjoying you being flustered he stepped closer, one of his large hands coming up to play with a strand of your hair. You felt a shudder running down your spine. Something inside you was screaming at you that this man was dangerous and that you shouldn’t be here. However, you felt yourself unconsciously leaning closer.
“Nothing much happened. You passed out and I took you home with me because I was worried.” He answered. “That- That’s all?” you wondered. A smirk appeared at his handsome features.
“You sound disappointed.” He grinned. “Wanted something else to happen?”
If it was possible to get even more red, now was the time. “NO! That’s not what I mean!” you hastily tried to explain. “It’s just.. Why would you take me home with you? Weren’t my friends with me?”
A low chuckle escaped his throat. Letting go of your hair, turning around to walk towards the huge table which was set up in the middle of the spacious room. “You were alone at that time.” He brought up one hand, signaling you to follow him. “Well not exactly alone. There were some drunk guys following you. You probably tried to run from them, bumped into something and fainted. Also, the place you were in didn’t strike me as a place that was suitable for a lady alone in the middle of the night. That’s why I brought you here.” He elaborated further.
Slowly following him you opened your mouth, another question at the tip of your tongue. “Shush! First have some breakfast, then you can ask me more questions.” he interrupted you. Reluctantly, you pushed back the chair at the far end of the table. In front of you, various kinds of fruits, pancakes and fresh coffee greeted you. You hated to admit, that you actually were quite hungry and that the delicious food in front of you made your stomach grumble violently. A quick glance to your left produced the handsome guy sitting comfortably in a chair at the head of the long table. He nodded encouragingly. “You don’t need to wait for me. I already had something to eat.” He clarified. It was as if he knew what you were thinking. But in this moment, you didn’t care. You just wanted to eat.
You had been so focused on the food that, only after some time you noticed him staring at you. He was watching you with interest and amusement. You wriggled in your chair uncomfortably.
“Uhm… Could you stop looking at me while I eat?”
“No.” he answered simply. Seeing the color blooming in your cheeks, resulting of his straightforward answer, a smirk grazed the right corner of his mouth. “My name is Taehyung; in case you were wondering…” he trailed off.
This made you feel even more embarrassed.
“I’m ...”, you started to say but Taehyung interrupted you: “Y/N. Yes, I know. Unlike you, I haven’t forgotten anything.”
You flinched, letting your gaze drop to your plate. An uneasy feeling settled in your stomach. You should go. You had no idea who this man was, and a moment ago you hadn’t even known his name. It just simply hadn’t crossed you mind to ask him, feeling so drawn in by his appearance and voice. One reason more you shouldn’t trust him.
“I should go now. I’m very sorry for any inconvenience I may have cause. If you could give me back my phone and purse, I will be on my way.” You bowed, pushing yourself out of you chair. You started walking towards the door without looking at him again. You wanted to get your bag and then you would be out of here.
You stumbled down the corridor, trying to remember which was the door to the room, you had woken up in. Luckily you had left it standing wide open. Since you hadn’t looked back when you left, you had no idea how the outside of the room looked, and you would have to check all the doors. Before entering the room, you gave a quick glance over your shoulder. But there was no Taehyung following you.
Letting out a breath, you didn’t know you had been holding, you stepped forward. You had no idea what made you so anxious. He didn’t even do anything, and yet you felt like you needed to be careful around him. You turned around to close the door. It fell shut with a bang that was echoing down the hallway.
But what made your freeze wasn’t the sound. No. It was the person standing next to the door: Taehyung, looking at you with ruby red eyes.
And it was at this very moment, that you knew you were screwed thoroughly. Even though his pose was casual, leaning against the wall, his set jaw gave him away.
“How- How did you get here? You were there and now you are here and..” you trailed off. As much as Taehyungs appearance unnerved you, the fact that he had come here from the dining room so quickly was sparking your curiosity. He said nothing, instead an amused smirk grazed his features. His smugness pissed you off.
“You had to pass me in order to be here earlier than me, but you didn’t. So, why the hell are you here. How is this possible?!” you tried again. But Taehyung remained silent, watching you with his red eyes.
Then suddenly: “You can’t leave.”
“Wha-“
Something about the simplicity of his statement, the way he said it so casual made you angry. Not only had he ignored you questions completely, he also had no right to determine where you went and what you did. Clenching your fists, you straightened yourself. “That is not your place to decide.” You nearly yelled, barely able to hold your voice down.
“I make the rules here, Y/N.” Taehyung growled.
The sound was so deep that it nearly sounded inhuman. He pushed himself off the wall. His movement made you flinch backwards. You felt like a helpless prey waiting for its attacker to make a move.
No.
You will not be that stupid prey waiting until it is to late! You needed to get out of here, screw your phone and purse. You made towards the door. Before your hand even could as much as touch the doorknob, Taehyung grabbed your left wrist, spinning you around. He pushed you backwards until your back slammed against the door. The sharp pain shooting up your spine made you dizzy and before you could register anything else, Taehyungs large hands came up next to your head. His body was close yet not touching yours. Not that it made any difference as you felt like your heart would jump out of your chest any moment. You could feel him leaning in until his breath was ghosting over your ear.
“Listen carefully princess: You’re mine now and you will stay where I can protect you.” He whispered and you could hear the edge to his voice as if he was holding himself back. Wanting to object you opened your mouth. But then you noticed Taehyungs eyes: They were wild, shining with such a deep red that they seemed like a raging fire. He was furious, you could tell. It probably was not a good idea to object, but you where way to proud to back down now.
“I can’t recall ever agreeing to be yours, Taehyung.” You whispered, trying to keep your voice from shaking. He didn’t need to know how scared you were.
Partly, you had expected him to get even more angry, maybe even wanted to test what he would do. But what he did next definitely took you by surprise: You felt his long fingers curving around your chin tilting it upwards slightly. The grip was light, and he leaned in until his lips where hovering over yours. His lips were soft and gentle when they touched yours, a stark contrast to his previous behavior. Your eyes fell shut involuntarily and you could feel yourself giving in to the kiss. You wanted to punch him for his audacity to just kiss you like that, but instead the kiss felt right. Like you had wanted him to kiss you since you saw him this morning.
“You don’t need to agree. Deep down you know that you became mine already.” He murmured against you lips. You felt like in a daze, trying hard to rummage your brain for something smart to say.
When he leaned back you swallowed hard. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to upset you Taehyung. I am going to stay for some more time, okay? “
Taehyung examined your face for a moment. His thumb caressed your cheek softly.
“I know baby.” He hummed. With that he stepped back, reestablishing the space between your bodies.
“You can change your cloths and wash up if you want. Maybe you will find something you like in the wardrobe behind your bed.” He gestured towards a plain door on the wall next to the bed you hadn’t noticed before.
“The bathroom is opposite of your room. You will find everything you need in there.”
Halfway opening the door, he halted, giving you a hard look. “If you try running again, let me tell you that I have been nice until now.” Gulping, you nodded. He didn’t need to tell you twice. You had no interest in finding out what an even angrier Taehyung would do.
________________________________________________
The room behind the bed was indeed a huge walk-in closet. It contained various cloth in all different kinds of styles. The only thing they had in common was that they looked extremely expensive. You had settled for something you felt most comfortable in: a blue ripped jeans and a oversized gray sweater.
Opposite of the room you found the promised bathroom. It was spacious like all the rooms you had seen in this building so far. Furniture and decorations were of a warm crème and the floor lined with sandy marble. In one corner of the room, a bathtub was let into a platform. Pillars supported the slightly narrower celling above the tub. Two mirrors lined the walls: one above a marble panel with a sink and the other in front of a table with a chair. Another door led into a tiny room with a toilet.
Not trusting Taehyung and his sudden appearances, you found yourself checking if the door was locked three times before you let the water run into the tube. The steady flow of the water and your breathing were the only sounds filling the room. Sitting down on the rim of the bath platform, you let your thoughts wander.
The kiss had been so sudden.
Absently, you let your finger run over your lips.
After his aggressive behavior you hadn’t expected him to be that gentle. Still, he shouldn’t have that kind of power over you. Your old anger flared back up along with a feeling of deep disgust about how easily you had given in. You should have continued to fight, pushed him away as he tried to kiss you. Instead you had let him, worse even returned the kiss!
Also, what had happened with his eyes? Somehow you felt like you had seen the change of color in them before. This deep ruby red color, and the sound he had made when you had said that he did not own you. In addition to that, the way Taehyung had appeared in the bedroom, suddenly. You had no logical explanation for that. Well, at least no other than that this man was indeed not human.
Despite the warm temperature in the room, goosebumps rose across your skin. What were you doing here? You should run, get away from this place and even more importantly, from this man! He was dangerous, this much you could tell.
“Deep down you know that you that you became mine already.” Taehyung had said. You started shaking and brought up your arms to hug yourself. He had to be wrong, right? There was no way you would stay. Even if you had said so, that had been only to calm him down, right?
Yes! It had to be! You would play his game, as long as you needed to, in order to figure out how you could get out of here. Right now, you had no doubt that he would do something terrible if you tried to leave. You would have to be patient and wait for the right moment.
The burbling noise of the water hitting the spillway ripped you out of your thoughts. Maybe a hot bath would ease the nausea in the pit of your stomach. You dove into the tub so fast that the sudden difference in temperature almost burned you. The light sting, however, was a welcome sensation that halted your thoughts successfully. The shampoo that stood next to the bathtub smelled neutral with a hint of macadamia nut. It was a pleasant smell and you found yourself wondering if Taehyung knew about your shampoo scent preferences or if he had just been lucky with the selection.
You almost didn’t want to leave the warm water. It was so cozy and when you closed your eyes you could pretend you were at home, soaking in your own bathtub. You lived alone so most likely nobody would miss you there. But your friends must be worried sick. You were not sure how much time had passed but most likely they would go to the police sooner or later. At least you hoped they would. Even though nothing bad had happened to you yet, besides Taehyung losing his temper, which could happen again anytime. Pushing yourself upwards you exited the bathtub. Off the chair next to the platform you grabbed a towel. As soon as you started to dry yourself, you could not shake the feeling that someone was watching you.
You were getting paranoid.
Still, you turned around. And flinched: A man was leaning in the doorway, his dark eyes fixed on you. Hurriedly you tried to wrap the towel around you as best as you could. He seemed a few years younger than Taehyung, round doe eyes of a soft brown color featuring his face. His black hair was the same length as Taehyungs, falling over his forehead in slight curls. If it hadn’t been for the disgusting smirk that graced his lips, you would have described him as cute. He was wearing yeans and a simple black t-shirt. The tight fabric of it, highlighting every muscle on his upper body. You could feel yourself staring. Tearing your eyes of the sight you exclaimed:
“How the hell did you get in here?!” You had locked the door. You were sure of it. But right now, it was standing open, the gap letting in a draft of cold air.
“I do live here. And as far as I’m concerned, I can go where I want in my own home.” He grinned, his eyes running up and down your body. You felt awfully exposed in front of him. Pulling your towel even tighter you gave him a hard look.
“So, you are Taehyungs new plaything I guess.” He noted looking unimpressed. “I don’t really understand him sometimes. You are not even that pretty.”
“What the-“
Anger came rushing back to you, replacing the shame of standing nearly naked in front of a total stranger. “Who do you think you are, that you can talk to me like that?!” you snapped.
Raising an eyebrow, he chuckled lowly. “You’re a sassy one, huh? Well, that’s a first.”
“Name is Jungkook by the way. And don’t feel too special just because Tae choose you. He will grow tired of you pretty soon.” he continued. “Also, when he does, I’m pretty sure we can have some fun together as well.”
That was it.
Your frustration over the situation that you were in, how powerless you felt against Taehyung, all coming together. Causing your last string of patience to tear. You turned to your left, grabbed one of the porcelain shampoo bottles and threw it.
“Shut Up!” you cried.
However, the bottle didn’t hit him like you had hoped. Seemingly effortless Jungkook caught the bottle with one hand. For a brief second his eyes flickered red, annoyance passing through them.
“You are definitely more interesting than I first thought.” Jungkook mused. Leaving the doorway, he took a few steps into your direction. You, on the other hand retreated further into the room until your feet hit the platform of the bathtub. Realizing you could not put any more distance between you and Jungkook you swallowed nervous. You still were angry, but your senses also tingled with a hit of fear.
Before Jungkook could close the distance between the two of you, a hand came around his shoulder stopping him.
“Leave her alone Kook.”
Whoever was behind Jungkook had the voice of an angel you concluded. Or maybe it was just your relive about someone stopping Jungkook from coming any closer.
The raven-haired man shrugged off the hand. Jungkook stepped to the side, revealing a man, at least a head shorter than him. However, he was no less attractive than Jungkook. Bubblegum pink hair framed a round face with full lips and warm, kind eyes. Those eyes were fixed on Jungkook with a hard look of disapproval.
“If Tae finds out you are here, you will be in trouble.” he warned.
“As if I care what Taehyung knows. He can’t tell me what to do!” Jungkook scoffed.
Pulling a grimace, he turned around and started to stalk out of the room. He stopped shortly, placing a hand on the smaller man’s shoulder. Leaning in, Jungkook whispered so low that you could barely hear him: “Better be careful with giving me orders. I will not hold back just because you are older, Jimin.”
Without waiting for a reply Jungkook left. You blinked a couple of times, trying to comprehend the weird tension that had just crackled between the two of them. Jimin also seemed spaced out for a moment before he turned towards the door, giving you privacy.
“I’m sorry about Jungkooks behavior.” He apologized. “I will be leaving now and don’t worry, nobody else will bother you. I will see to that!” and so Jimin left as well, closing the door after him.
You waited for another minute before you let yourself relax. Even though Jimin seemed nice, you didn’t trust him. Nobody in this house seemed to be trustworthy at this point. You wondered how many other people were living here.
Your body had already air-dried, thanks to the time spent with Jungkooks and Jimin’s sudden appearance. Only needing to rub your hair a couple of times, it was dry as well.
After slipping into the new cloth you looked around for a hairbrush. Finding one on-top of the mirror-table, you tried to tame your long hair. It was difficult to brush through since you had only ruffled it dry with the towel.
Even though you hadn’t taken Jungkooks comment about your appearance too personal, it made you check your appearance in the mirror a couple of times. Only after you felt like you looked some-what presentable, you gathered you old clothing and left the bathroom.
________________________________________________
Already on your way across the hall, faint piano tunes grazed your ear. You hurried back into your room to drop off your old clothing.
It was not even a minute later, that you found yourself following the music down the hall. On your left, a huge hall with two broad staircases winding along opposite walls, opened up. Landings on either side were connected to other corridors, indicating that the hallway spun over at least three levels.
Slowly you went down the stairs on the left side, letting your hand run over the ornate black iron fence that railed them. Everything seemed old but so well intact that you wondered how long Taehyung and the others had been living here.
The white walls were decorated with sculptures and pillars. Two large chandeliers hung above your head, casting shimmering dots of light on wall and floor. You were mesmerized by the sight, the low music only adding to the feeling.
On the ground level you realized that the music was louder now, coming from behind a heavy wooden door. The tall door was located directly beneath the top of the stairs and measured at least twice your height. Reaching for the handle you hesitated: were you allowed to go in there? And if not where else should you go? Taehyung had not said anything about where to go after you were done with washing up. Also, Jimin and Jungkook had given you no clue about what to do or were to go.
Gathering your courage, you shoved the door open.
The room you found yourself in was cozy despite its size. The walls were decorated with dark wooden panels, the one opposite of the door showcasing a huge window looking out onto the park. Heavy red curtains framed it. The marble floor was a mix of white and black tiles, visible where the ancient carpet did not cover them. In one corner of the room stood two sofas with red cushions. In comparison to the hall, the air in the room was warm and smelled of old wood. In the corner opposite to the sofa, a piano was placed. Behind it sat Jimin, completely absorbed in the music. His hands were dancing over the keys with great speed. The situation gave you the chance to study him more closely. His skin was perfect and smooth, just like Taehyungs. He was slim, almost fragile looking. With each move he made the black silk shirt he wore flowed down his body. Jimin was beautiful. Compared to Taehyungs cold and proud beauty, Jimin seemed to glow making a smile tug at the corner of your lips. How was everyone you had seen in this house so far, prettier than any other male acquaintance of yours? Was it because they were wealthy? No, you weren’t that shallow. Also, Jimin had the same dark eyes as Jungkook and Taehyung. Would they change their color as well when he was annoyed or angry?
Unknowingly, you had wandered into the room, now standing right next to the piano. Jimin had finished the piece and beamed at you. “You’re here!”
Jumping up, he took your hand squeezing it gently. “I’m Park Jimin! It’s so nice to meet you!”
Reluctantly you curved your fingers around his, returning the squeeze. If Jimin had registered your hesitation he didn’t show it. Instead he continued to smile at you so warmly that you started to relax slightly. “My name is Y/N.” you replied slowly while letting go of is hand.
“Okay, Y/N it is. I want to show you something.” he continued lightly.
His hand coming back to your wrist, he tugged at it slightly. “Follow me.”
The sudden touch on your wrist reminded you of what had happened earlier. Taehyung slamming you into the wall, caging you with his tall body. The fear you had felt before rushing back to you with such intensity that you felt yourself flinch. Jimin’s face dropped and he frowned.
“Don’t worry. I’m not going to hurt you. I don’t know what Taehyung did to you, but I promise you I’m nothing like him.”[HR1]
The sad expression on his face made you feel bad in an instant.
“No no, it’s nothing like that!” you tried to clarify. “It’s just… You surprised me, that’s all..”
Furrowing his brows, he nodded. “Okay, but if he does anything bad, tell me. I can talk to him, we are friends.”
“Thanks, Jimin.” You said, smiling a little. “So, what did you wanted to show me?”
Being reminded of his previous idea his face lid up again: “Oh right! Follow me! Its right behind this door!”
You chuckled lowly to yourself. Jimin was adorable. There was a light bounce in his step as he turned towards the door next to the piano. He seemed so excited to show you what was behind it.
And what was lying behind the door indeed made your jaw drop: as far as you could see were books. Stuffed into shelves, climbing up to the high celling, in piles on the floor or opened on a specific page on one of the desks. The musty smell of old paper filled the air. You felt your cheeks burn with happiness.
“Can- Can I look at them?” you blurted out.
“That’s kind off why I brought you here. Just don’t touch any of the ones on the floor. Taehyung is spending a lot of time here and I wouldn’t want to mess up his organized chaos.” Jimin giggled. He seemed almost as excited about your reaction as you felt towards the books.
You started walking along the shelves, each of your steps making the old floorboards that covered the floor creak. Lifting your hand, you let it trace over the spine of the books: Some of them were old, being leather bound and the gold lettering on them faded into nothing. Others were brand new.
“How is it possible for one man to collect this many books?” you wondered out loud.
“Well, Taehyung had a lot of time at his hands.”
That sounded like a lot if he had that many books. Slowly you turned around to look at the other boy.
“How much exactly? How old is Taehyung, Jimin?” you breathed.
The pink haired boy shot you an apologetic smile: “I fear, that is not my secret to tell Y/N.”
His response didn’t reassure you at all. Quite the opposite.
“Come on Jimin, you can’t leave me hanging like that!” you tried to joke.
Jimin was visibly uncomfortable, shuffling his feet. “I’m really sorry Y/N, but I really can’t tell you more.”
You let out a long sigh while checking Jimin’s face for any reaction. His lips were shut in a tight line while his gaze was fixed on the floor. His abjective posture made you change the topic:
“Is it okay for me to take something to read?”
Lifting his head Jimin’s eyes found yours. “Sure, choose anything you like! You can take it to the living room with you.” He now beamed. “If you need anything just find me at the piano.”
You nodded absently, attention already returned to the books in front of you. A few words creating whole worlds you could lose yourself in. Ink on paper, coming to live with nothing more than your fantasy. Looking at the shelves you were overwhelmed with the choices. There was basically everything from science over novels to poetry. You tried looking for a title that sparked your curiosity.
You settled for a thin volume of poems by an author called “The Raven”. The cover was of a simple black with white bold letters reading “Eclipse” and the pages were worn out in the corners.
You noticed that Jimin had indeed resumed playing the piano. The soft tunes floated into the library, getting lost in the high celling. You followed them back into the living room. Jimin acknowledged you with a smile and short nod before he concentrated onto the piece again. Cuddling into the plush sofa-cushions you opened the book and began to read.
A few pages in, a door on your left opened revealing a grim looking Jungkook. You tried not to pay him any mind. The handsome man however had other plans: he gave you a once-over, quirking one eyebrow. “Huh. If you had to change your clothing it could have at least been something nice. You look like a bum.”
His remark stung but after all you hadn’t tried to dress up but to feel comfortable. “Jimin, is he always that charming?” you mused.
The pink haired boy gave a low chuckle. “Pretty much.”
“I can be charming if I want. I’m just not in the mood to play nice.” Jungkook shrugged, letting himself drop onto the sofa next to you. His eyes then fell onto the book in your lab. “U reading?”
You shot him a hostile glance: “I was, before you decided to get on my nerves.” Sure, that he would have a petty remark you looked at him expectantly already plotting a smart reply. But there was no remark coming from Jungkook. Instead his gaze had snapped to Jimin who’s face had taken on an awfully pale color.
“He- He’s back.” Jimin whispered. You could feel Jungkook balling his hands into fists next to you, his whole body tense. While Jungkooks posture screamed anger, Jimin had made himself so small that he seemed like if he wanted to disappear. You looked between the two of them.
“Who-“
Before you could finish your sentence the large door that lead into the hallway swung open. Coming in with large steps was a tall man. A big grin showed on his beautiful face that was framed by short brown hair. The man’s clothing looked even more expensive than Taehyungs had earlier. His long shelved dress shirt was the same color as his pants, a light crème that was glowing on the satin fabric. In the V-shape of his shirt multiple tightly wrung necklaces were visible. They were gold, complementing his brown hair and white skin. On each finger he was wearing a ring, one looking more exquisite than the other. Opening his arms wide he stepped into the middle of the living room, twirling around himself once.
“Hello my friends! Have you missed me?” he smiled so broad that it made a shudder run down your spine at how fake it all looked.
“Welcome home Hoseok.” You heard Jimin’s quite voice coming from behind Jungkook, who had at some point positioned himself between Hoseok, and Jimin. The raven-haired boy however remained quiet, following Hoseok’s every movement with watchful eyes.
Hoseok’s gaze swept over the two of them with a belittling smile until it settled on you. The gaze was so intense that you felt yourself getting up from the sofa.
“Well who are - you?”, he inquired, a small smirk playing at the corner of his mouth. His eyes shone of a longing you couldn’t quite place. Not knowing how to reply to that you just stared at him stupidly. His eyes were glued to your face, or was it your neck? You tried to suppress a shiver.
You wanted to tell him to stare elsewhere but you didn’t trust your voice. Instead you pressed your lips together not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing them tremble. Because even if you didn’t want to admit it, you were scared. Not only Hoseok’s appearance itself was intimidating, no, also the effect his arrival had on Jungkook and Jimin was so immense that your instincts were screaming at you to keep it down and to not attract any more attention to you then necessary.
“You smell so delicious darling. Where did you come from?” he whispered in awe licking his lips. Crooking his head to the side he came a step closer.
“I would leave her alone if I were you.” Jungkook’s sharp voice drifted to your ear.
Your head snapped to the side looking and the raven haired with wide eyes. Hoseok stopped dead in his tracks as well. Slowly he turned around, eyes fixing on Jungkook. Now that he had the newcomer’s attention, he raised his chin defiantly, the corner of his mouth twitching slightly as if he was trying to suppress a smirk. You drew in a breath, waiting for Hoseok’s reaction. Hoseok’s face was expressionless, but his fingers were playing with his rings absently while he was looking and Jungkook. Then he lifted one of his hands, draping over his mouth as he gasped dramatically: “Oh no! I’m so scared, what will happen to me if I don’t! Please spare me great master Jungkook!”
Seemingly being the only one who found the situation funny he tripled over with laughter. You blinked, irritated. Jungkook had tensed even more while Jimin was staring holes into the ground, his small frame barely visible behind the tall and strong raven-haired man. His left hand was fisted into Jungkooks t-shirt so tightly, that his knuckles had turned white.
Fake wiping tears of laugher out of his eyes Hoseok turned back towards you. Amusement still played on his face. “You guys are so hilarious. I will go and see Taehyung to give him the new scoop.”
Waving his hand, he turned around to leave: “Have fun without me.”
And with that he was gone, leaving only the three of you standing in the room. Your heart was beating fast, adrenalin still rushing to your vines. You stared at the door that had just closed unseeingly. When Jimin exhaled loudly, the sudden sound made you jump, dropping the book you had still been holding onto the couch.
Jimin’s stiff posture had relaxed slightly. Jungkook turned to the side so he could look at the pink haired man. “Are you okay?” he inquired, eyes searching Jimin’s face. Worry was laced in his voice. The smaller man just nodded, letting his hand drop from Jungkooks shirt. Lifting his head Jimin and Jungkooks gaze met.
You knew you were spying in on an intimate moment, but you couldn’t avert your eyes from the two other men. The way they were looking at each other was so intense, their proximity closer than you would have felt comfortable with either of them. From your previous impression you wouldn’t have guessed that Jungkook would be so worried over Jimin. Maybe he wasn’t such a bad person after all.
Gripping Jimin’s shoulder Jungkook leaned forward until his forehead leaned against the smaller man’s, almost closing the space that was left between them. Jimin had closed his eyes, leaning into the touch.
Suddenly you felt alone. This wasn’t something you were supposed to see. You turned away, silently making your way to the library.
“Y/N wait.” Jimin’s soft voice called.
Apparently, you hadn’t been quite enough for them not to notice you. Jimin was walking towards you, while Jungkook was still next to the piano, leaning against the wall. His eyes were watching you, slightly narrowed.
“Are you okay, Y/N?” Jimin questioned.
“Me? Well, yes I’m fine.” You lied smoothly. Something inside you was sulking like a child. You didn’t want Jimin to know that Hoseok had scared the shit out of you. Didn’t want him to know that their intimacy had made you feel like you were all alone in this world. But you couldn’t bring yourself to snap at Jimin. This wasn’t his fault after all.
So instead, you added: “But what about you? You were white as a sheet earlier.”
“Uhm.. you see…” Jimin stuttered, his small hands playing with the fabric of his silk shirt.
“He is fine. There is no need to worry.” Jungkook chipped in. He was strolling towards the two of you now, his posture casual but gaze disapproving.
For the love of god, couldn’t he leave you alone for one second?
“Bu-“ you opened your mouth to tell Jungkook to shut up, but Jimin interrupted you. “It’s okay Y/N. You really don’t need to worry about me. Hoseok is just a bit difficult sometimes.”
Now Jimin refused to talk to you as well? Being all trusting and lovey dovely with Jungkook but lying straight to your face? That stung, harder that you had expected.
“A bit difficult?!” you exclaimed loudly. “Are you guys all nuts? You were fucking terrified of him! He looked at me like he wanted to eat me as a whole and you call him a bit difficult?!” You threw up your arms.
“You know what Jimin? Fuck this. You guys don’t want to tell me shit and I am so done playing your stupid games. I’m out!”
Jimin’s eyes widened at your outburst and hurt flashed over his face. His bottom lip quavered. “I-“
A low growl made your gaze flicker to Jungkook.
“Don’t. You. Ever. talk to Jimin like that again!”, he hissed as his arm came up to give your shoulder a hard shove, away from Jimin. Stumbling backwards you were able to take a hold of the library door, successfully toning down your fall. Still, the impact made you flinch, reminding you of who you were dealing with. That you were not Jimin, who he would play nice with. No, Jungkook was towering over you, his gaze cold and calculating. Your previous anger was slowly replaced by fear and despair. You stood no chance against him.
“Come on Jimin, let’s go...” Jungkook snorted. He grabbed Jimin’s wrist, walking towards the door Hoseok had vanished through earlier. Yanking on the pink haired boy’s arm, Jimin stumbled after him while he shot you one last sad glance.
The door fell shut with a loud bang, leaving you alone on the cold marble floor. The sound echoing in the library behind you. You brought up your legs, draping your arms around them. Letting your head fall on your knees you closed your eyes.
You were stupid.
You had just squandered your one chance to get out of here. Jimin had been the only one friendly to you so far and you had yelled at him. And for what? A stupid sense of envy.
Who would help you now?
Nobody.
You were all alone…
Jour blanc
Désolé, les vœux, cette année, ils ne viennent pas. Une autre fois. Il y aura une fois. Ou pas. Perdu la veine. Perdu la foi. Ou quoi ? Jour de l’An, jour blanc. Un blanc, une banquise, un monticule de boîtes vides, en polystyrène blanc, sur une chaussée mouillée, avec personne devant, personne derrière, une ville désertée. Des vœux comme autant de boîtes vides. Rien d’autre à vous offrir cette année. Je ne vais pas non plus jouer au nostalgique de la veille. Touché, coulé. C’est fait. Et maintenant ? Cet Abri Durif va-t-il à son tour devenir une coquille vide, une maison aux courants d’air. Ouvert en 2012, fermé en 2020 ? Ce n’est pas comme si la partie était déjà jouée. Pas encore. À cette minute, petit pois je me vois. Je démarre l’année tout en bas, au ras. Tu n’as qu’à sécréter une sorte d’angoisse pour la résoudre. J’y suis. Il n’y a pas de sursis, c’est maintenant ou jamais, ça ne commence pas demain. Ce jour de l’An, s’il est prémonitoire, eh bien, ce qui vient, ça ne va pas être marrant. C’est dans ces moments-là que l’on aimerait avoir recours à une drogue forte. Champagne ou je meurs ! Je me contenterai de ce que j’ai. La solitude, ça rend fou ? ou c’est un feu à construire, une façon de se consumer soi avant d’entrer dans la folie d’un autre ? Si cet Abri n’en est plus un, il n’est pas non plus sépulture, lieu d’une fermeture. Quand je suis entré dans les pompes funèbres, je reconnaissais avoir besoin des autres pour avoir le sentiment d’exister, mais j’ai aussi appris que les autres ne m’appréciaient qu’à partir du moment où je leur rendais un service, les faisais exister à leur tour. Il n’y a pas de relation désintéressée. Pour sortir de l’homme et des tourments qu’il trimballe, il faudrait accueillir en soi tour à tour le règne animal, le règne végétal, ou le minéral. Se faire patient comme la pierre ou puissant comme le végétal qui soulève la pierre.
Corps de pierre
Insignifiant, pourquoi es-tu si tragique ? Pourquoi mes yeux brûlent de votre manque, Quand le vrai théâtre se réchauffe à l’extérieur Je regarde mes veines qui se dévouent à mon corps Quel est mon corps à moi ? Je n’irrigue que ma liberté dans un monde mollasson Moi, qui me suis senti inimportant, comme rarement, J’ai refusé de voir le bon cœur qui était là, Comme un drap que j’écrase sans regarder La gratitude, d’accord, quid du besoin de reconnaissance ? Je picore, le sentiment fardeau d’être une statue Un figurant qui habille les vrais protagonistes. Ils ont bien besoin de sang pour se donner chair, les prot’ À quel moment je pourrai vivre, grande sœur, sans importuner Le monde de tes yeux, où tu contrôles ? Ma romance naïve, ma timidité face au grave, mon ban de l’avenir Doivent-ils se taire car ils ne sont importants que pour moi ? Je dois me pétrifier davantage, je présume
On prend la banalité pour la simplicité ; il n'y a pas pire erreur. C'est confondre la force du pur avec l'impuissance du neutre.
Edmond Gilliard
Jamais il ne posséda aussi exactement le sentiment de son impuissance. Pour lui, le monde ne se peuplait que de formes vides. Il y avait de quoi hurler, il y avait de quoi mourir.
Pierre Drieu la Rochelle (Le Feu Follet)