Steve Rogers and His Unhealthy Obsession with Bucky Barnes
Steve Rogers was many things.
Captain America. A national hero. A good friend.
Steve Rogers was a wife guy.
Except he wasn’t even married.
To be clear—Bucky wasn’t his husband.
They were just two idiots in love who refused to admit it and instead chose to ruin the lives of everyone around them.
And Bucky, despite all his grumbling and dramatic sighing, secretly loved every second of it.
INCIDENT #1: STEVE, A MENACE TO SOCIETY
The first time Sam realized how deeply Steve had committed to his role as Bucky’s personal hype man, they were all in the common room when Steve casually turned to Natasha and said:
“You know, Buck can kill someone in six different ways with a spoon.”
Bucky, mid-sip of coffee, nearly choked. “Steve—”
“And he never misses with a knife.” Steve beamed proudly. “Seriously, Nat, you’d be impressed. One time in the ‘40s—”
Natasha raised a brow. “Does he cook?”
Steve nodded. “Oh, yeah, and he’s really good at it. You should try his stew—”
“That’s not what I meant,” Natasha cut in.
Sam snorted. “Yeah, does he do anything that doesn’t involve stabbing?”
Steve turned to Bucky. “Do you?”
Bucky sighed into his coffee. “I breathe, Steve.”
Bucky muttered a curse under his breath.
Steve, still smiling dreamily, added, “And he’s great at woodworking.”
Natasha leaned back. “Are you gonna tell us about how incredible his battle tactics are next?”
Steve gasped. “Oh my God, YES.”
Bucky groaned. “Oh my God, NO.”
INCIDENT #2: STEVE WILL THROW HANDS
It was a casual mission. A simple extraction.
Then some random HYDRA goon had the audacity to say, “The Winter Soldier? Wasn’t he just a brainwashed puppet?”
And Steve, who normally gave his speeches about “being the bigger man”, just decked the guy so hard he left a dent in the wall.
Steve turned to him. “Yeah?”
Bucky pointed at the unconscious guy. “Did you just—”
Sam, who had witnessed everything, crossed his arms. “So, what, you just throw hands now?”
Steve nodded confidently. “If it’s for Bucky, absolutely.”
Natasha muttered, “This is embarrassing.”
Bucky, secretly pleased but refusing to show it, just sighed and said, “Steve, I literally do not care.”
Steve smiled. “I care enough for both of us.”
Bucky buried his face in his hands.
INCIDENT #3: STEVE CASUALLY DROPS GAY MARRIAGE INTO CONVERSATION FOR NO REASON
Bucky was minding his own business, sharpening his knife, when Steve just… said it.
“Hey, did you know gay marriage is legal in this century?”
Bucky froze mid-sharpening.
Slowly, he turned to Steve. “…And?”
Steve shrugged. “Just thought you should know.”
Steve cleared his throat. “No reason.”
Bucky just stared at him. “Did you wake up today and decide, ‘Gee, I wonder if Bucky Barnes is up to date on modern marriage laws’?”
Steve looked suspiciously innocent. “I just thought it was interesting.”
Bucky leaned back, arms crossed. “Uh-huh. And this has nothing to do with you calling me your ‘murder husband’ to everyone we meet?”
Steve coughed. “Completely unrelated.”
Bucky didn’t blink. “Steve.”
Then Bucky sighed. “Get out of my room.”
INCIDENT #4: “IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO BUCKY, I’M SUING”
During a mission briefing, Tony was explaining the team formations, and Steve—who was normally all about discipline—immediately interrupted.
“Wait, wait, wait. Where’s Bucky in this plan?”
Tony sighed. “Steve, he’s fine. He can handle himself.”
Steve crossed his arms. “That’s not what I asked.”
Tony rubbed his temples. “Steve—”
Everyone turned to look at Bucky, who was just sitting there, eating a protein bar.
He waved awkwardly. “Hi.”
Tony pinched the bridge of his nose. “He’s on his mission, Cap. You’re not even in the same sector.”
Steve scowled. “Then I object.”
Tony stared. “This isn’t a wedding.”
Steve pointed at Bucky. “Then put me with him.”
Steve, without hesitation: “Moral support.”
Bucky groaned. “Jesus Christ, Steve.”
Tony closed his laptop. “I’m done.”
Sam sighed, rubbing his face. “You two are so much.”
Steve turned to Bucky, softly. “You’ll be okay, though, right?”
Bucky muttered something under his breath but nodded.
Sam whispered, “I swear to God, someone needs to get Steve laid.”
Bucky, mid-bite of his protein bar, choked.
INCIDENT #5: “WOW. GROUNDBREAKING.”
And not just regular pacing—he was pacing like a father-to-be in a hospital waiting room, hands on his hips, looking like he was about to deliver the most serious speech of his life.
Bucky, lounging on the couch, beer in hand, just watched him with the energy of a man witnessing a trainwreck in slow motion.
Steve stopped pacing. Took a deep breath. Turned to Bucky with determined blue eyes.
“I have feelings for you.”
A long, obnoxiously long silence.
Then, in the flattest, most sarcastic tone possible, he said:
Steve frowned. “Wait—what?”
Bucky took a slow sip of his beer. “You don’t say, Steve.”
Steve squinted. “Are you being sarcastic?”
Bucky set the beer down. “Me? Sarcastic? No, Stevie, I am just so shocked right now. Truly, this is the most unexpected thing I’ve ever heard.”
Steve sighed deeply. “Bucky—”
Bucky gestured wildly. “I mean, sure, you look at me like I’m the last donut in a police station, and yeah, you literally threw hands with a guy for talking shit about me, and maybe you once told Tony that if anything happens to me you’d ‘file a formal complaint with the universe’—”
Steve groaned. “It was a joke.”
Bucky pointed at him. “No, it was a declaration.”
Sam, passing by with a sandwich, paused mid-bite. “Wait, he said that?”
Bucky nodded. “Oh, he said that.”
Sam whistled. “That’s crazy.”
Steve pinched the bridge of his nose. “I regret saying anything.”
Bucky smirked. “Oh, no, don’t regret it now, sweetheart. You’ve been in love with me since the Roosevelt administration.”
Steve glared. “I hate you.”
Bucky patted his knee, grinning. “You love me.”
Sam shook his head, muttering, “I need new friends,” before walking away.
