4'690 words without the highlighted
Warnings: fowl language, sort of abuse, child neglect, self depreciating thoughts, suicidal ideation, death, and possibly more.
Edited to the best of my abilities
Scenarios are out of order because of my terrible memory and to jump around a bit easier between lyrics, scenarios are also not canonically correct because I wanted to portray emotions a certain way, I've also added my own scenarios to his life, so I guess this is a head cannon
Based around the song brother by gerard way
“Does anyone have the time to bring me down?
To the drums of the city rain?
To the drums of the city rain
And brother if you have the chance to pick me up?
To the pound of the ache and pain?
All He’s ever wanted was friends of his own who appreciated him as himself, not just as Thor’s younger brother, but as Loki, son of Odin, God of mischief. he spends most of his time alone tucked away in the back corners of the library filling all his agonizing time with the useful task of learning languages, history, the basic fundamentals of other worlds, if not any of that than He’s reading poetry, He’s always reading something. Constantly giving his internal monologue something to speak of within reason instead of listening to his suffocating thoughts.
Just to be his equal, to amount to his father's standards the same as Thor without trying to walk in his footsteps, why must he have to keep his head low why is he to live in his brother's shadow? He’s has just as much potential if not more, his intelligence is peaked compared to Thor’s.
When He’s not in the library learning by himself and not training with Thor, Sif, the warriors three, than He’s in step with his mother, one of the only people who sees just who Loki is without question and prod, his curiosity for life, learning and being the very best he can slowly being outweighed by the despair of his father's expectations, to Frigga he is everything, his heart swells with pride when He’s learned another spell or trick always followed by praise, a warmth he strives for, the admiration he has for her is so immensely strong, the one person keeping him somewhat going. Hes earned that love, he deserves more but Hes earned his mother's lively spirits hidden under the shell the bitter world of Asgard has put him in, but even than he still ends up looking up to Thor knowing that Odin will never come around even with the most understanding persuasion.
Night falls slightly early upon his home, the closer they get to the colder months, the beating against his window keeping him in a constant state of awareness to the voices that ring through his mind, something you can't just roll over and sleep through, the world is much quieter at night with all the towns people in and the only bustle of movement being the maids and servants within the castle going through all their final tasks. Outside the roaring winds and frigid temperatures feeling like a chisel against the stony walls around his conscious, letting tears fall under the disguise of percussion rain amongst his sharp features. A bright almost blinding flash brings the young Odinson out of thought covering his ears with a single second left to spare when a demonic crack of thunder echo’s through the atmosphere, the boys stiff knees buckling in fear, but quickly followed by him sprinting back to the safety of his almost soundproof room.
“I don’t know what I've done to upset him, but He’s always done this when I've done wrong” he mutters but what his head reverberates “useless” “worthless” fuck up” “shadow” and many much worse thoughts in the silence of his own company, one of the many things that lead to bruises both new and old among his head that you'd only see if he was to tie his hair up, one of the things that leads to the continuous rocking and the subconscious scratching against his freezing wrists. No sleep whatsoever but no wandering the halls while his brother is fuming. He’s no child anymore, he can't just run to hide in his mother's arms, but he longs for her comfort, the comfort that only an innocent child knows, a being who's never considered death to be the best way to give his family some relief from his chaos of existing.
A low hum of a lullaby his mother used to sing being the only thing heard in the large room, eyes closed to hold in the build of tears begging to follow the rogue droplets left as streaks from earlier, He’s far from asleep, so very far that its most likely going to be another restless night followed by an unreasonably long nap in the morning once Thors anger has subsided.
He walks through the halls from his own to his brothers' chambers, disheveled hair thrown around from the nightmare he pulled himself from with no attempt to smooth them out, Hes overwhelmed. A solid knock on the door and it fly's open to reveal his slightly taller brother, only doing this when he’s in need of help Thor instantly knows what's needed, pulling his little brother into a bone crushing hug but a hug that is well needed between the boys. They settle In Thors room no consideration of talking because they both know He’s going to struggle too much to even attempt to convey his feelings, so a silence that embraces the two boys riddled with thoughts but too tired to even attempt anything more than a simple “thank you". Loki curled up in the cushioned window seat slowly falling asleep the comfort of the low volume music his brother had playing over a music box type machine. Thor knowing his little brother is still here just by the chance of him coming when he needs help, it may not be an existential requirement but he’d do it for his brother any day of the week if it kept him from ending everything, he still very much mattered and if what tells Loki this is true is his brother crushing him in a vice hug than he shall always be there because an equal stays equal with the balance of trust.
Another crack of thunder plays outside his window causing the vibrations to subtly tremble through his room pulling him out of thought, the sky now drawn with an orange hue cascading just above the horizon, and here it is morning is soon among them and yet no sleep, its fine who needs it anyway.
Not much else he can do with his time he wanders back to the library, a trek He’s done so many times that he can do it with his eyes shut and has, but not today, maybe reading will put him to sleep.
Just beyond the edge of agony tearing him down, why can everything of him break and shatter but the façade of perfectly fine still stand, what is this dome of despair draped over him and only him, he can cast illusions but of all those to be seen through its like Hes behind a one-way window, him being on the side to see out, to see the world around, his insecurities' and helplessness reflecting back at himself, everyone outside his dome looking back at arrogance that only a reflection can encapsulate.
Hes not this cold, Hes not this bad even with his disregarded heritage why can't he ask for help why can't they hear him, why isn't anyone listening to his shallow ebbed screams through the gullies of his mind, why can't they break from his chest like the cracks of thunder left to a hollow residue of a mistake he wasn’t even aware of.
To the drums of the city rain
I won't sleep tonight as long as I still
Hear the drums of the city rain
It's gotten too much for him, if no one is going to notice his anguish brought on by just coexisting in the same place at the same time with dull people then he’ll finally do what's best for him, but damn will he regret this. Maybe it’s the pain talking but this feeling can't go on forever, he can't just live like this for five thousand plus years, that thought is preposterous, so of all thoughts to listen to the one aching to live up to the full meaning of his name is not the one he should listen to but who's going to stop him.
And that rebellion of his little game he played is what brought him to a new perspective, fearing that his monologues have been remotely close to truth, why wasn’t the cold bitter air nipping him how it is the others? Why is he thriving? Yes, it's in his nature but maybe the nature he is thinking of isn't the one he is truly from. The second the bone splintering grip round his wrist his thoughts stop, panic and then realization, why no frost bite? why no freeze burns? why does this feel nor- that prick, Odin will pay. That realization is one never to be expected but it's one that happened and a newfound curiosity ring through his form, more than a god, more than a prince, a young man with a story for vengeance.
Little did he know the repercussion of his actions to tempt his brother to be in such a vulnerable position would result in the person he was mere shadow to, to be sent away, but I mean now Hes out of the way, now he can win his father over since there are no longer footprints of a path to follow as those prints were covered by a layer of growing of frost over his heart.
A new sensation of not peace or justice but genuine guilt, something his label will make impossible for others to believe but what's a little understanding for both going to do, it's not the end of the world, maybe now he can feel like he is needed for something useful, maybe the voices etching conspicuous lies would finally shut the fuck up, but oh was that wrong. Just the opposite of his hopes, he missed that oaf, and the thunder that would tremble into the younger's soul keeping him awake was no longer there, how can something so irritating and terrifying that carried a meaning few understood be missed without a second thought. By the time Loki was properly punished for his actions he had stopped eating, still awake through the night, reading when he could, practicing when he felt alone and in need of his mother slowly deteriorating down to a pale, fragile state, blue like the deepest winters Hes sees flooding his vision, why did he get out of that unscathed. What is life without a little chaos but what good is chaos when you have no one to burden when that person actually quite enjoyed the small burdens. Putting on a show of shock and shrill, never to be missed even by the deaf and blind, the end of the night that inevitably told him his brother was still around but now Hes not. A sleepless night by a path of thorns oh how Hes fucked up.
Does anyone have the guts to shut me up?
There's a chance we can walk away
In the drums of the beating rain
After so much time of a punishment he was granted access back to roam the castle how he pleased but with check ins and needing Frigga or a maid to accompany him to certain rooms. Completely stopping his training and visits with his mother and only exploring at night, spending every second of his day either in his room or the library. His roaming brought him unwanted knowledge and now Hes Pacing back and forth in his room.
wanting so badly to run off, leaving his home behind but he just can't, he can't leave his mother, the only person he has left for himself but maybe it's what needs to happen. His thoughts each contradicting the other on how he should handle what Hes learned about himself in the wrong way, why can't Thor be back, why can't he put him back in his place in the most brotherly way possible. How would Thor react to him being a frost giant, a continuous mantra of hate, regret, agony and despair ringing both between his thoughts and muttering under his breath, something only he himself could hear. why did he have to be such a vile creature, why was he still alive, the thoughts that were once just a burden now chaos rounding him over to push him off the edge, Hes not supposed to be alive he was never supposed to be alive at this point, but he was taken as a trophy or binding between two realms he was an abandoned soul all over again realizing that his existence was never one to be loved by Odin but to be flaunted, so why did his mother love him was that also just a ruse or was it sympathy, how could someone so kind and caring love someone who was not of her own if not for seeing their potential. Back and forth for hours with no time spared between each thought, is it possible that he was just some charity case in the beginning but is actually cherished by Frigga, potentially even Thor.
His thoughts only stopping when his feet held sores and his Sholders slumped just slightly too much, his breathing the same but his heartrate faster than a ticking time bomb, finally laying down on his bed the remanence of internal screaming leaving its echos to the crevices of his mind and finally falling into a dreamless sleep only to be ripped out from it not three hours later to a nightmare followed by a distraught scream making its way from his distraught body, someone please make his thoughts just shut up for once, someone please just pull him from this sinking pit, why did he have to be alive.
That’s when it hit him, his equal is a materialistic item stolen from the frost giants, his words from earlier about his existential purpose, he was never meant to be loved, he was just another stolen relic for display, a trophy, but if that is the case than in Odins eyes he is simply a participation award, you would think such a cold being would be discarded after his use is done with but he was never aware of such, up until now it's only been neglect and man does he wish that's all it was.
Home is a foreign concept and at this point so is family. In spite of all of this he still got up in search of his mother, knowing exactly where she would be. He made his way to the healer’s wing in just minutes and found her perched over a book, so lost in his own thoughts he didn’t even realize that she had closed the book and gotten up to comfort him, comfort him? she knew, and she still loved him no matter what, he felt delicate hands wipe the falling tears that he wasn’t aware of, a small gesture in size but a highly meaningful one in understanding, a movement he hadn't felt since he was a small sprout of pranks and mischief.
He wrapped his arms around her smaller figure, engulfing her in a hug he didn’t know was necessary at that time but her left hand running up and down his leather adorned back and her right in his hair, this is his home, a person not a place but the most important person in his bitter cold life, and she loved him without a second thought, he is her son whether it be by blood or what Odin called a burden, if that is so than to he is burdened with glorious purpose, but a hidden one at the moment and he would soon cause the butterfly affect that starts it all if it hasn’t yet. Pulling him to a bed in the medical room sitting down followed by him laying down placing his head in her lap, the sweet sensation of unquestionable love flowing from her as if it were a form of radiation. This is what he has missed.
Still the sensation of desperation raging through his body, she could feel it and no matter what anyone said about him, this is her son, the little boy Odin brought in as trophy, but the little boy who she herself brought back to the best of health she could without knowing if his genetics would accept her healing, the little boy who she saw as her own the second she held him, so with him as frail, tired and desperate for any type of comfort her heart swelled like it had when she first felt his scrunched hand wrap around her nimble fingers finding her as a life line, when now his much larger hands clutched a small bit of her gown pressing it to his lips. Right here right now where the poor boy who hadn't slept, who hadn't eaten and felt any form of life in several weeks, whose body was slowly but surely withering away she felt more needed from one of her boys than ever and knew this is exactly what he needed and is happily held him close.
'Cause the nights don't last
I won't sleep tonight as long as I still hear the drums of the city rain
After the death of his mother to an unknown illness he was in and out of his own control, he had no understanding of what his body was doing or where his mind was taking him, all he was, was a soul trapped inside a physical ambient being, he had several check in moments where he was finally in control but they were just mere moments so when he said he had no idea where he was and the purpose of the staff in his hand or why there was blood on his hands he truly meant it only this time when he checked out he could still see what was going on, he could still process the actions. That glow, the glow from the mass at the cage of the staff just before the point he knew what that was but why was it here how did it get here. He reached out and touched it and in just a mere moment while standing on this building absurdly high ledge he felt his body shift, saw as his eyes turned a garnet red and his skin a sapphire blue in the window and then in no more than a second his for turned back and his grip on the staff released, he hit the floor and from the angle of his body to the window he could see both himself and a blur of a person standing behind him. Looking back at himself he noticed his eyes flicking between blue and green and then fade to a disconnected grey, “what is happening, please I don’t understand, where am I?” the person behind him stepped close enough to the window and himself that he could finally make out from the hammer and the long blond hair, Thor, holy Helheim its Thor Hes still alive and worthy once again, “brother, for the love of Odin what have you done, why are you here” and there it was that well known crack of thunder and the slate clouds rolling in faster than ever and yet the strange comfort he felt before he blacked out.
The next time he awoke the first thing he saw was his was his reflection an very pale almost blue complexion and his greyish blue green eyes and then realized Hes behind glass, his vision fixated on the metal clad man carrying the staff with a dampener around the base of the weapon “no, no put that down, you do not know what it does to you head, it will hurt you” the metal armor opening up and tony stepping forward leaving the open frame of the suit to hold the staff, “now why do I think you're scared of what it holds?” tony rasps as he leans down on the other side of the glass to look Loki in the eyes “reindeer games, what makes you think I should listen to you of all people, I've done enough by just keeping you alive, you are lucky your father is not here to take you back to where you're from” “I would much rather be anywhere but asgard but I am not a clue why I am here” out of the corner of his eye he could still see the staff glowing just as bright and possibly pulsating but because of its existence so close to him an unruly feeling to close his eyes hits him and he pushes himself into the corner of the room tucking his head into his knees and hiding from the presence of such a painful item.
A melodic thud of boots followed by his brothers voice, “Loki of all people to see through you I hate that no one but myself can, father does not want you back, you are banished among the words and I quote “no son of mine is to be seen as such a title like the god of mischief himself, he is no son and I do not want a measly boy who attempted to destroy a world conscious or not under my roof, he will repay his dues and make better to the best of his ability's to the havoc he caused and maybe I will consider letting him finish his life sentence in a cell behind guards” and he was off followed by tony once again in the iron suit, finally that stone is gone.
Hear the drums of the city rain
Make the lights come back
It took him quite a long time to realize that even in the company of his brother who would happily laugh at jokes dropped by the other avenger that his brother was not upset in this moment, this had been many years of paying respect to the people, serving many years of service happily to bring other a peace he knew would never find himself, he in this moment had nothing to prompt the thunder raging outside the window that had woken him from his nap on the couch in the lounge as the group drank and played video games and talked, still the panic the clatter from outside rang through his body, his heartrate picked up and the sound of it rang through his head, his breathing became shallow, “mother, I need mo- fuck, THOOOR” he called at the same time that everyone came rushing in from both the shout and the alert Friday had given, the small blue lantern in starks hand came as a surprise in the blur of his vision, not completely sure of what was happening but knowing someone of just pale frame not features was holding the stone that made him cause harm to many, he clutched his head in his hands clamping his eyes shut and in that moment when most of his senses cut out he felt a firm hand grasp his Shoulder and pull him up, opening his eyes when his chest hit someone else's and arms held him in a strong hold. Coming back to himself slowly but surely he realized the person who was hugging him was talking and the voice belonged to his brother “- just fine, you're fine brother, I'm sorry I didn’t warn you of the storm I just hadn't seen you sleep as long ever and felt it was important you got plenty of rest” wrapping his arms around Thors shoulders he finally realized, this is his home, not just his brother but the group even after the destruction he caused, how grateful he is that they concluded that he was welcome if he kept paying dues and helping, he realized in this hug, the first one in just over eight years he is infact equal to Thor.
Remember when you and I would make things up?
To the place we would hear them play
To the drums of the city rain
The play battles the boys had when they were still small, when frigga would watch over them running around in the garden using sticks as swords or for loki sticks as daggers, when they would paint their faces blue pretending to be the enimies and laughter filling even odins chest at the young boys antics, oh how he longed to go back to that time but in this moment he knew his time was up, the boy who once wished to die because the world had an unjust amount of pressure on him from the day odin found him, the rush of his blood heard in his ears, the settled beat of his heart the same as the thud of his boots as a child marching through the halls pretending to be a sophisticated soldire to attack trees with his blades. The hum of his mothers song under his breath like the cascading memory between now and what comes afte this, its okay to let go when you know what comes of it, he will eventually be to his first home again and itll be worth everything more than ever.
I won't sleep tonight as long as I still
Hear the drums of the city rain
Like strangers laugh and like subways feel
Things I'm trying to break
Oh, just wait until this is all we have to keep us ill
I won't breathe tonight as long as I still
Hear the drums of the city rain
“if I might interject- if you're going to earth- you might want a guide, I do have a bit of experience I that arena” the glint of light shimmering from the gauntlet catching Loki's eyes but doing everything to keep his façade up, as the cocky Asgardian, “well if you consider failure experience” a small grimace for just a measly second going unnoticed by everyone but himself and shackled up Thor, “I consider experience, experience”. The titan clad of a smirk tilting his head urging the god to continue, “all mighty Thanos, I Loki, prince of Asgard- his slight glance over to Thor as a look to say I all, - Odin son, the rightful king of Jotunheim, God of Mischief” disregarding his brother on the side, the despair in Thors eyes, he knows exactly what Loki is giving up the second a dagger comes to form in the clasp of his hand, “do hereby pledge to you, my Undying fidelity” the las few breaths of unsoiled air to his form and he throws the hidden dagger up at Thanos but not well enough executed, he knows, he knew it wasn’t going to work but he did it to give Thors life a fighting chance, for just this moment he is beyond Thor, at the very last of his life and Thanos holds him still with the power of the one of the two stones to the gauntlet, the blue that caused him panic attacks among nightmares among sleepless nights of fear now holding him at the very edge of what his fate to come is. “undying” Thanos reaches out and grasps the wrist that unsteadily wields the blade meant for the hopes of the titan's death, “you should choose your words more carefully” Loki struggles as show but knows that this moment was the best he could possibly do for his brother, when this is how he proves that mischief isn't always selfish.
The titan forcing Loki's wrist down causing the blade to clang on the ground at its release, clutching Loki's neck in his gauntlet clad hand, the way they the boys used to clutch stones in their palms before skipping them in the pond to see whose stone could make it the farthest, lifting the god in the air, the suffocating sounds form Loki's struggle, his honest fear even though he knew this was to come, Thanos clenching his hand as if Loki's esophagus was just a stich causing his airways to collapse and his cervical spine to snap discarding what's left of the god to the side letting his body fall away from the grasps of life. Loki side glancing over to his brother one last time before using the rest of his energy to close his eyes, Loki's skin falling to its natural sapphire color, his body deathly cold for even a frost giant. And just moments later his soul left to those seven minutes of memories before he goes upon his journey to Valhalla to meet his mother, his soul can feel as Thors hands touch the body followed by his entire weight of his torso against Loki's, the vibrations of desperation in Thors pleads and begs for his younger brother, always his brother, the goodbye, by a hug. Thor reaches over picking up Loki's discarded blade grabbing a lock of his brothers' hair and cutting it near the roots, about an inch away and tying it into his own with trembling hands. “i love you, fight on, and may mischief be your guide back home”
The very last boom of thunder rattling his deceased body but the beginning of a storm and hes off on his adventure to his mother's side.
》~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~♡~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~《
Please let me know what you think, id love to make more for other charcters. Also i sat and rewatched the beginning of infinity war to get the death part.
