Dear Diary, I am an addict.
I have a love addiction.
I am a love addict.
I am addicted to love.
I feel embarrassed to admit it and ashamed of myself for allowing this disorder to consume me. Often people find it a joking matter, but love addiction is a real mental disorder.
After experiencing several shifts in the romance sector of my life towards the end of last year and at the beginning of this new year, I’ve began to examine my behavior in terms of relationships.
I used to think I was unlucky with love and that all these guys were assholes. I failed, time and time again, to recognize that there was a deeper problem at hand other than some guy cheating on me, or some other guy ghosting me or some other guy going back to his ex after sleeping with me.... I realized that my problem was that I, unknowingly, was following a behavioral problem.
At the beginning of relationships, I would get irrationally infatuated with the other person. Almost to the point where I felt like I was high on uppers and everything felt like I was floating. I would daydream about that person, write poetry, love songs and think about what life will look like with them in it. I would fantasize about the elaborate adventures we would face together. This should have been a major warning sign, but I totally overlooked it.
All my life, I loved watching movies and television shows with romantic plot lines. Most songs I listened to were about love in all forms. This fascination with love has surrounded my thoughts. I spent my high school years wishing I had a boyfriend and having unrequited crushes.
Writing this so openly, I feel so embarrassed and ridiculous for allowing love to consume my life. Admitting this feels nauseating because I used to detest girls who were openly boy-crazy and over-the-wall romantic. At the of the end of the day, in the dark of my room before I go to bed each night, I realize that secretly, I was one of them. If not, ten times worse.
I wanted romance to spice up my life. To make me feel beautiful, desirable, validated and “normal”. The lack of love from another person made me feel “alien” and out of place... outcasted.
Finally, when I got into relationships in my early twenties,they were with emotionally unavailable and problematic people. One guy was super love avoidant. The other was a narcotics addict. Another guy was emotionally unavailable after breaking up with an ex. Like I mentioned previously, I always thought I had the worst luck when it came to romance. But the truth is, my inner problems attracted people who had problems.
I was in a long term relationship with someone for almost 7 years, and by the end of it, I keep daydreaming about another ex and wanting to get out of the relationship. And despite thinking and feeling this way, I was afraid to end things because ultimately I would end up feeling alone and like a failure.
When I finally decided to end things, I felt free. I felt very locked in with reality. My mind was present and I excelled at school. I had an eagerness for living and for solitude. I enjoyed being single. I enjoyed not wanting to be in a relationship.
You would think by the way I was acting that I was in a better place.... But ultimately, what caused everything to come crashing down on me was when my ex ended up in a new relationship 3 months after I broke up with him.
My mental health started to spiral out of control. I downloaded dating apps, swipe left on most and right on some. Never met with any of them. Never spoke further. I had a one night stand. It was my first. Was crushed when he didn’t text (WTF WAS I THINKING?). I slept with this guy I had a crush on for 4 years when I visited the holidays. Was crushed when he got back together with his ex. I started obsessing for awhile.
Social media usage is the worst thing for a love addict. Comparisons begin. It hurt every time I looked, but I continued to do it anyway. I knew it brought me pain and I did it to myself every night.
Eventually, I deactivated my IG because I was sick of driving myself crazy. I was sick of thinking about guys who weren’t thinking about me!!
The next few weeks were spent turning to astrology, tarot and gratitude apps. I wanted to find solace in the metaphysical and mindfulness. And while they brought me comfort, they also brought newfound awareness of how mentally and emotionally fragile I am. How there is so much work to be done.
Discovering this newfound issue has been very emotionally heavy for me. It’s been very difficult for be to accept, but I know that here on out it will only get better. This is where the healing truly begins and I hope I can recover from this addiction and reclaim the power of my mind and heart. I hope to love myself again and find strength to stand on my own two feet.
