🥀🥀 How Unfair That Even Broken Hearts Must Keep Beating 🥀🥀
A very angsty and sad one-shot I decided to share as part of bucktommy mpreg weekend. This oneshot is a totally different universe than my other mpreg weekend fics. I guess this could be considered a fic for day two or day three (hence why I'm posting it at 2am on the 31st) ?? Anyway it's here and on ao3 !! PLEASE READ THE TAGS FOR POTENTIAL TRIGGERS !!
Tommy knew something was wrong the moment he woke up, and it didn’t take him much longer to realize what it was. He cringed as he moved which made the cramps low in his stomach feel worse, and he pulled back the blankets on the bed to reveal a large and dark bloodstain on the sheets. Tommy let out a shaky breath as he dropped the blankets back down and and just laid there for a minute or several, taking it in.
The first time he miscarried he’d been almost 9 weeks along, he noticed the bleeding almost immediately, and Evan drove him to the ER because it was the middle of the night and they wanted to know if it was too late or if something could be done to stop it from happening. In the ER a kind doctor did an ultrasound and delicately informed Tommy and Evan that unfortunately they’d lost the baby as they held each other and cried.
The second time Tommy had been 7 weeks along, and after the first loss he’d been a little more wary about the whole thing. And it turned out he was right to be, because the morning of what was meant to be the confirmation ultrasound he started cramping. At the ultrasound, while Evan gripped his hand, the obstetrician confirmed Tommy had been pregnant, but it had stopped developing and Tommy would likely start bleeding anytime, and sure enough by dinner time he was. Him and Evan held each other in bed that night. Evan cried just as much as the first time, while Tommy shed a few less tears- not because he didn’t care, but because he didn’t let himself get as attached as he did last time.
And now this was the third time. He’d been 10 weeks along- 10 weeks 4 days to be exact. Just 10 days away from the second trimester. Evan was on a shift and would be for several more hours. Part of Tommy wanted to call Evan and ask him to come home now- he knew if he did Evan would move heaven and earth to get home as fast as humanly possible. Another part of Tommy, however, pointed out that Evan’s presence wouldn’t make much of a difference except for in the matter of Tommy’s comfort and Tommy wasn’t sure how much more of that he deserved.
The last two miscarriages Evan had been so amazing and so supportive of Tommy through all of it- in what he said, in what he did and didn’t do, in his presence and his time. Like with so many other things, Evan had been absolutely perfect. He’d been so kind and gentle and took excellent care of Tommy. Of course Evan had been grieving too, but he managed to find the perfect balance of grieving with Tommy, and on his own, and with just letting Tommy grieve.
And as much as Tommy wanted his husband to come home right now and hug him, and hold him, and strip the bedding and do the laundry without being asked, and then hold him some more, Tommy didn’t know if he deserved it anymore. How many times could Tommy miscarry until Evan got fed up and stopped caring? How many times could Tommy miscarry before they realized he was just defective and they weren’t going to have a baby? How many times until Evan left Tommy to find someone who wasn’t broken and could give him the children Evan deserved?
It wasn’t fair. It just wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair the first time, or the second, and not now. And now Tommy had reason to believe it really was his fault. The first time? Devastating but it happens. Twice? A coincidence. But three times? Now it was a pattern. Tommy had a pattern of being unable to carry a pregnancy into the second term.
Except of course, for the one time he had. There was one time he’d made it to the second trimester. And of course that was the time he threw it away. After Tommy and Evan’s hook up- months after their breakup- Tommy had gotten pregnant. He hadn’t realized at first though because it’d been early, and then Bobby died and threw everyone and everything into a tailspin, and Tommy blamed his symptoms on the grief and the stress of the reprimands and punishment he’d received from the department. Tommy hadn’t even known he was pregnant until he was 13 weeks along. He and Evan weren’t back together yet, Evan was still grieving- still a mess. And Tommy didn’t want Evan to feel trapped, nor did he feel ready to have a child by himself. The timing was the worst it could possibly be. And so Tommy exercised his right to choose, and had an abortion at 14 weeks pregnant without having even told Evan there’d been a baby.
And now Tommy couldn’t help but wonder if the miscarriages were his punishment, or if he’d have a healthy pregnancy now if not for the abortion then. Tommy had felt guilty after the abortion, and coming clean to Evan about it when they were discussing getting back together had eased some of the guilt. But now that guilt was back in full-force and was combined with the guilt of being unable to do something his body had been made to do.
Tears slid down Tommy’s cheeks. It wasn’t fair. He’d done everything right. Everything. Anything that even had a remote possibility of being unsafe for the baby he’d avoided. He’d grounded himself from flying immediately, took a desk-job position just to keep himself and the baby safe. He took his prenatal vitamins, he got more than enough sleep, drank water like it was going out of style, and made sure to eat well-balanced nutritious meals and watch his calories to ensure he was consuming neither too little or too much. He’d done everything right. And yet for some reason, it still ended in another loss.
Evan wanted to be a dad so badly, and he was so amazing with kids, and Tommy had really begun to get excited at the idea of being a dad too and starting a family with Evan. Excited at the idea of putting together a nursery, of quiet late nights holding and rocking a baby to sleep and just staying up holding them for hours, having a little baby Buckley-Kinard running around, teaching them about the world, giving them all the love and affection and experiences he never got as a child. Tommy had never really thought he wanted those things before, and just when he realized he did in fact want them, suddenly the universe wouldn't allow him to have it.
Tommy eventually managed to get out of the bed. He was on his feet just long enough to change his clothes, put a stupid pad in his underwear to catch the blood, grab a heating pad, and make his way to the couch where he curled right back up- heating pad pressed to his stomach and a blanket wrapped tight around him. Tommy was in too much physical pain to worry about the sheets or the bedding right now, and too much emotional turmoil to allow himself the luxury of cleaning the dry blood off his ass, thighs, balls, or dick. He wasn’t sure if he fell asleep or not, but the next thing he knew it was dark out and Evan was walking through the door.
“Tommy! I’m home!” Evan called out cheerfully.
A tear slid down Tommy’s cheek and he pulled the blanket tighter around himself. He suddenly wished Evan didn’t have to know yet, but it was too late to hide it now and it wouldn’t be fair to Evan to hide it anyway. It wasn’t that he didn’t want Evan to know, but Tommy didn’t want to have to admit to another failure just yet- not when he knew how much it was going to break his husband’s heart. The couch Tommy was on faced away from the front door, so he had at least a couple more seconds before he had to face the music.
Buck frowned when he got no response from Tommy. The lights were all off in the house, but Tommy’s truck was in the garage. Buck slid off his shoes and silently made his way to the bedroom, figuring maybe Tommy had fallen asleep early. He got to their room and turned on the hall light outside their room, just to have enough light to see if Tommy was in there, but it didn’t seem he was. Buck turned on the light in their room and found Tommy definitely wasn’t in bed, but there was a large bloodstain on the sheets. Buck’s heart fell as it didn’t take a genius to figure out what it was, and then his heart-rate picked up with worry for Tommy.
Had Tommy gone to the hospital? It’d make sense that he maybe took an Uber or a taxi to take him as opposed to driving himself. But why hadn’t Tommy called Buck? When did this happen? Was Tommy okay- obviously he wasn’t mentally/emotionally okay- but was Tommy physically okay all things considered? Buck grabbed his phone from his pocket to check that he hadn’t missed any calls or texts, and found his phone was as dry as the Sahara. He hadn’t missed anything. He raced back towards the door, ready to hop back in his Jeep and drive to the nearest emergency room.
“I’m right here, Evan.” Tommy croaked when he heard Evan racing to the door and beginning to unlock it. Clearly Evan had found the bloodstain on the sheets and begun to panic, and as much as Tommy wasn't ready to face the guilt of another loss, he didn't want to make things any harder on Evan either.
Buck relocked the door and stepped into the living room. He clicked on a lamp and found Tommy curled up on the couch. Tommy’s face was red and his eyes were swollen from crying, and the sight broke Buck’s heart all over again. “Tommy,” He said gently as he kneeled down next to the couch to come face to face with his husband.
A fresh wave of tears started sliding down Tommy’s cheeks. “I’m sorry,” He started.
“Hey, no,” Buck shook his head and tried to blink back his own tears as he cupped Tommy’s face with one hand. “It’s not your fault.”
“It is.” Tommy sniffled. “Something’s wrong with me. This shouldn’t keep happening.”
“You have nothing to apologize for.” Buck insisted. “You did everything just right, and nothing you did caused this to happen. You don’t need to apologize for this.”
More tears slid down Tommy’s cheeks. “But you really want this- you want to be a dad. And you’d be a really good one too if I didn’t keep messing up. If I hadn’t killed the one that survived. You deserve someone better. Someone who can give you what you want, Ev-”
It was clear Tommy was spiraling and Buck was having none of it. “Tommy, Tommy, Tommy,” Buck stopped him gently. “Listen to me. What I want is you, okay? First and foremost, every time, all the time. You. Okay? You are what I want- my beautiful, smart, witty, firefighter-pilot husband with the driest, bitchiest sense of humor ever. Sure, a kid or kids would be nice, but I can be and have been happy without them. What I can’t be happy without is you. I never want to hear you say something like that again Tommy- about deserving someone better? There’s no such thing honey. There’s no one better for me than you, and I love you, and I want you, and I have a government issued piece of paper that says you’re not allowed to run away from me because I don’t ever want you to, got it?”
Tears continued streaming down Tommy’s face. “But the baby,”
“Of course I’m sad that you lost the baby.” Buck admitted. He was gutted. They’d been so close and it wasn’t fair. But it wasn’t Tommy’s fault and no matter how much Tommy blamed himself, Buck didn’t blame Tommy for a second- Tommy had wanted each pregnancy just as much as Buck. Sometimes life was just cruel like that, and there was nothing Buck could do to fix what had happened. “Trust me. But right now the only thing I can do to feel better about what happened is to take care of you. So what can I do?”
Tommy sniffled hard and took a couple very shaky uncontrolled breaths. After what felt like an eternity he finally managed to speak. “Can you fix the bed so we can go lay down together?” He spoke nervously, still afraid to ask Evan for what he needed. He was still afraid to need anything, to let himself ask for what he needed, to let Evan take care of him.
“Of course I can.” Buck nodded. He kissed Tommy’s forehead, then stood and went to their room to do the fastest most thorough job he could. He removed the sheets and the mattress protector and thankfully nothing had soaked through to the mattress. He put those in the wash so Tommy wouldn’t have to see them later, and put new sheets on the bed then made the bed only as much as it needed to be made at the moment. Once Buck was done he went back to the living room, unplugged Tommy’s heating pad, then went over to the couch and picked Tommy up bridal style.
Tommy didn’t even register that Evan had come back into the room until he was being picked up. “Evan-” Tommy started to protest.
“Don’t squirm or I could drop you.” Buck warned as he began carrying Tommy to their room. With all the morning sickness, and the miscarriages, and all the diet changes, and all the grief over the last several months, Tommy had dropped a bit of weight- not a whole lot, though enough Buck was undoubtedly bigger and stronger than Tommy right now. But it didn’t change the fact that Tommy was still a 200-ish pound man and he wasn’t exactly the easiest to carry. Regardless, Buck successfully got Tommy to their room and gently deposited him on the bed and plugged his heating pad back in.
“Thank you.” Tommy whispered.
“It’s the least I could do.” Buck insisted as he quickly slipped off his jeans and hoodie, leaving him in a t-shirt and boxers. He climbed into bed behind Tommy and held him. “How’s this?” Buck asked gently. He felt like he should be doing more, but he didn’t want to risk overwhelming Tommy by trying to do more than what Tommy needed.
After a moment’s hesitation Tommy clung to his husband's arms- holding him in place. Tommy still didn’t feel like he deserved the care or attention, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t grateful for it. Despite the pain and the heartbreak, Tommy felt safe and loved with Evan’s arms wrapped around him. He’d spent the last several hours feeling like he was seconds away from falling apart into a million pieces, and now Evan’s embrace was there to hold him together. “Thank you.” Tommy whispered.
“For what?” Buck asked gently as he carded his fingers through Tommy’s hair.
Tommy sniffled and looked up at Evan. “For loving me anyway.”
Buck stared at his husband for a moment, a million thoughts and feelings racing through his mind all at once. He pulled Tommy in close to his chest and kissed Tommy’s head. “Always.” He whispered and kissed Tommy’s head again. “Always.”
