#positive focus

[cha-cha-changes]

Yas!!! And I'm entering the happiest phase of my life because of it! Go me!! 💪💗

[tiredmoonslut]

I just came to a big epiphany when it comes to positive focus (for my spiritual folx out there).

If trying to focus positively is only making your negative emotions larger and harder to ignore, it's because the most positive thing you can do in that moment is embrace the way you feel. If your attention to a subject calls it forth, then you will receive exactly what you're focused on.

If you are focusing on positivity, and what you receive is negativity, it's because the negativity (and the full feeling of it) is the most positive thing for you currently. It's not that positive focus didn't work, it's just that it brought to you exactly what you need to work on in order to give rise to that positivity.

Do this. Feel this. Validate yourself. And then you'll find that there are more and more positive actions for you to take. But sometimes, the truest positivity is embracing the negative.

Hope this reaches people.

[eyesaremosaics]

I refuse to stay a sad bastard forever. The last few days I stopped drinking, smoking, and avoiding responsibilities. I go for at least an hour jog a day (today I ran for an hour, then walked for two hours pushing a 65 lb baby stroller up steep ass SF hills). Drinking lots of water, eating healthier meals without carbs, doing squats in the morning and again at night. When I got home today, I applied to some jobs, and worked on my website for 7 hours. Feeling very proud of myself. I'm going to get well again, I refuse to be defeated by anyone--including myself. Prism Light studios published an interview with me today! I feel so grateful to have been interviewed twice in the past year, it's really an honor. Trying to focus on what is going right, instead of what isn't. It's the only way any of this will change.

[cha-cha-changes]

Mental Spring Cleaning

Clear it out.

Forgive.

Let go.

Reprogramming.

Refocus.

Forward movement.

[eyesaremosaics]

Storms

As much pain and strife as I have gone through in the last year, I truly do think that I am changing on a fundamental level. Every painful experience has been a unique life lesson. All these situations that I swore were too terrible to survive, somehow I did. Somehow, there came out the other side. There is wisdom in the wound, but the only way out is straight through. Seeing into your pain, getting clear with its roots, understanding oneself in such an intrinsic level... Is a tremendous gift to give to the world. Therein lies true compassion and attunement towards others. Inspired by the desire to do good, just for the sake of it. To be a light, unbeknownst to oneself. To recognize the need, the hunger, the shifting desires of human beings. To see their shadows so clearly. Projected wounds. I see it all. I feel it all, and always have. The problem was in my own selfishness, which came from a deep swallowing pit of neglect. This need eclipsed my understanding of others, on more than one occasion. This tectonic shift, is happening for a reason. All that has been built in the last seven years is falling away. Crumbling to dust. For the first time since I was a teenager, I am not dying of love for someone. How liberating this feels. I stand alone now, with no excuses. So much of my thinking was rooted in the past, or hovering in the next moment. Never present. Never in my body. I learned very young, being in my body was not safe. This ritual of leaving it became second nature to me. Yet the fondest memories I have are being young, fully present. The still surface of a lake, undisturbed. This is all happening, so something new can come. I can feel it. Something is rumbling on the horizon, coming towards me...something big. A new job, more money, a successful career, a new love, not clear yet... But who says you can't ask for all of it? The trick is to believe in yourself. To feel your own worth. Finally, I think all of this has been preparing me... Testing me... To finally feel it. Even if this is a momentary glimpse, even if I relapse tomorrow. This is a step toward creative consciousness. Toward building the life I want to live.

[eyesaremosaics]

Ah there it is again, the colossal ache in my chest. Come back to haunt me have you? After a brief two days of pleasant emotion? It feels like someone is putting heavy stones on my chest, slowly, over a long period of time. I can feel this aging me.

Over the last fees days I decided: misery is a choice. My moods may come and go, but they are shades. Instead of weaving these moods and negative thought patterns into a belief system, I am trying to objectively identify the emotions. The root, the origin. When is the first time I felt this emotion? The second? The third? What triggers this feeling in me? What unhealed aspect of myself is surfacing right now?

This process, is a lonely one, but only if I focus my intention there. Lately I try to shift my loneliness onto appreciation. When I do interact with a person, instead of being so deeply in my head that no one can connect to me, I try to be present with that person, so see into them, feel into them. Be fully in the moment, enjoying them as they stand there. I have to pull myself back to reality often. Always off in my imagination somewhere. Maladaptive coping mechanism.

Struggling today, but feeling hopeful, which is a nice change of pace from total despair.

[eyesaremosaics]

Visualization technique for changing a negative belief

My intimacy issues are something fierce. I don’t want to be close to anybody. Nobody except the few people to whom I am already close. Everyone else is served with my usual psychological perception (when called for, when seen as a necessary component to their growth) or artificially engineered charm and charisma required in social graces. I let very few people into the sanctum that is my heart. “It’s not safe to bring people below the surface. The bigger the trust, the bigger the love… The more destructive and cataclysmic the end.” Yes of course I learned and grew by leaps and bounds. Yes of course it served my expansion and in some ways I am now better for it. Yet I can’t deny my repulsion to intimacy now. People wanting to get to “know” me. I’m tired of telling my stories. Everyone has heard them all anyway.

In some ways I feel stronger than ever I have, yet on an interpersonal level I feel damaged. Especially with men. They want to know me, they are actually interested in my mind as well as my body, but I want to scream and run away. I find myself twisting my napkin in my lap, wondering when is it appropriate to leave.

I have been meditating, and being gentle with myself as I work on this issue. I have all these horrible thoughts in my head about myself, thoughts that were put there by other people. A visualization technique that helps me is this:

An untruth/ negative thought comes into your mind. Say the thought is: “I am not good enough”. Visualize where this thought first came to you. Recall all the times you were told this, or alluded to this idea, and trace back the root of this network in your brain. Where it all stems from. When you have identified this memory. Ex: your mother yelling that you can’t do anything right. Or your father calling you clumsy. Remember that 99% of what everyone says is about them. They are not defining you, they are reflecting how they feel about themselves.

Now visualize putting that thought and emotion into a box, and sending it back to them. If the thought returns, immediately send the box back to them. If you have to send it back a hundred times a day, so be it. Do this, and gradually the thought will lessen. The belief will not be as powerful, and one day it will no longer be a belief. This can take months, sometimes even years if the root goes deep enough, so be patient with yourself. Do not expect to see results overnight.

In my personal experience in the last six months, I have practiced this visualization technique, and I can feel it working. I have more self confidence now than ever in my life, I genuinely believe in my capabilities (which is HUGE for me). Of course it’s not perfect, just stronger than before. I am more comfortable in my own skin, I feel my own worth and value now. In the past I felt no value at all, I felt such little self worth that I was ashamed to exist. I wS furious to be alive when I woke up every morning.

I am here as living proof that you can overcome negative thought patterns. It is conscious, caring work, but it is possible. The patience you exercise with yourself in this healing process will build self love. This is such a soothing element. When you can talk about something without the sharp stab in your chest or without crying, you know you have truly healed.

My intimacy issues will be my next project. Now that I have a sense of self again, I need to work on not fearing deep connection with others. Fear sabotages, and is a vibrational match to exactly the kind of experiences that you wish to avoid. I recognize that this fear I have of letting others in… Comes from being deeply hurt by people with whom I was close in the past. My aversion stems from the subtext: “it’s not safe. I want to be safe.”

Perhaps safety should be my priority right now. Perhaps I am not yet ready for intimacy again. If I am being honest with myself, this fear of intimacy brings up the following thoughts: -if I let people in, they will hurt me. -if I tell them who I am, they will use it against me. -if I make myself vulnerable, they will take advantage. -if I care, they have power over me. -if they have power, they have control. -if I am trapped, I am closer to death. -if I love, I am weak. -if I am weak, I am easily manipulated or badly used. -if I invest, I lose my identity. -if I invest, I lose.

These negative constructs are directly related to emotional recall and personal experience. Words themselves are inert. They have no meaning except that which we give to them. They are merely identified sounds. Also meaning is relative. We attach meaning to words and ideas for many different reasons. One of these reasons is self defense though we also attach meaning for reasons like personal identity.

Let me give you an example. Attached meaning as self defense. Say the word/idea is “love”. To one person, love makes them think of their grandmother, their pet or their high school sweetheart. Some people have positive associations to the word, and so their brain automatically begins firing neuro transmitters that recall fond memories. However, if a person has negative associations with the word, such as the death of a loved one, the loss of a relationship, etc, the neurotransmitters will fire and recall the opposite.

Some people think of the word love, and feel a lifting sensation in their chest. Other people think of love and feel a sinking. It is also possible for a person to feel these opposite states at different times relative to the situation. And so meaning, is inherently relative.

This means a belief can be changed with positive intentionality. As they say: neurons that fire together, wire together. Yes there is resistance when you try to make them fire in an entirely different direction, they are used to the branches and thought networks associated with what it has already experienced. Yet if you continue to fire in the opposite direction. New neurological patterns will form, and once they wire together in s new direction, it will become easier and easier to activate.

Never give up fighting the good fight, it is never too late to be exactly who you want to be, and to have what you truly want.