It's been years. Years. You are happily committed to a beautiful woman who seems to make you happy and I am happy for you both. I am.
In fact, it is strange that after all this time I think of you so often but it's not hurt or loving you so much anymore. It's just compassion and kindness. I love you still but not like I did. Not in the 'let's be together forever' way that I used to feel. But I do love you. I love who you were and I love seeing you grow and live your life even though it is entirely separate to me.
I am glad you found your way, that you have made your life into soemthing you seem happy with. I think of you with such fondness because you didn't burn me. You didn't cheat or destroy me. You loved me fully. You showed me such a wonderful first love. I trusted you. You joined my family happily. You laughed at me, with me, for me and you made my years with you so incredible.
There were arguments and there were moments of doubt but I will forever be grateful to you. You rocked my world. You took a girl uninterested in romance and you shook her up. You showed her joy, warmth, love and affection. You made her feel sexy, confident and beautiful all the time and you were supportive too.
I will forever love you for being that.
I miss the dreams we had and from time to time I feel sad that we will never walk down the aisle or have the children we dreamed of. However, that dream can still exist in my mind when I let it wander.
So thank you first love. A piece of my heart will always have your named carved into it. It will stay there sheltered and protected from the world. It will hold all our memories, all our touches, conversations, wishes and dreams. It will hold our young selves immortalised in hope and love.
Thank you for everything.
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You were never really mine but I loved you anyway. You came into my life when I felt like I would never love again and you intrigued me.
I didn't immediately love you and most times, I was infuriated by you. Your indecisiveness and your crap communication but still I held on.
Our friendship has been a weird one with blurred lines and confused feelings. It's only now that I realise that I do in fact love you.
I have given you all these chances because I love you. I love your smile, your smell, your eyes and I love your thoughts. I love how you treat me when we are alone. I love the way you make me feel about myself.
Although you've never fully been mine, you've never been anyone else's either. You don't seem to let anyone too close.
I can't keep loving you because I need to prioritise myself. That hurts so much but I know it's the right thing to do.
So for you second love, know that you've hurt me through not grabbing me with your whole heart when you could have. You said you wished you had but it's too late.
But also know, that I am not angry. I will love you too but you will have a smaller carving on my heart but it will stay there forever too.
You will stay there with the memories of your touch, your breathe on my skin, your eyes staring into mine, your fingers rubbing my back as we doze off. I will remember those times. I will cherish them because there won't be anymore of them.
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Please be the one that lasts. Please be the one who isn't carved into my heart only to be memories and photographs in my mind.
Be the one who holds me tight and never let's me go. Be the one who loves my quirks. The one who wants to know about the mundane things in my life as well as being there for the big achievements.
Be the one who creates a family with me. Who builds a home and life full of love.
Be the love I have always wanted and yearned for. Be the love who inspires me to be better. The love who is inspired by me too. Be the one who is not just my lover but also my best friend, my partner and my absolute everything.
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