#queer guilt

[antlerjam]

[julia-not-roberts]

‎‎‎‎‎‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎‎‎‎‎and i could take another hit for you

queer - sapphic - lesbian religious guilt web weaving

[ali-tayy]

I feel such guilt for being into girls at most times

And then once a year pride month comes around and makes me see all the beauty of being queer and I feel so lucky to be the way I am

I yearn being queer without feeling guilty

I long for queer art and the truest form of love that I know I have in me

I want to kiss girls and boys and dance and laugh and kick my feet over other peoples happiness

I wanna express my feelings in art and see others do it

I want songs and movies and paintings and so much more to show that love that I know is so true and real

Because love is love

I love men and women and no one will ever take that from me

happy pride month 💋💗

[aaronsmyspace]

daily affirmation:

I am not an abomination.

I am not an abomination.

I am not an abomination.

[cat-in-the-rain]

Chapter 6 of lotf fanfic. Aged up set in the 90s au

Very sad one imo, sorry

Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5

Ao3 link here

Jack feels bile rise in his throat, he's going to throw up. The enormity of his desire disgusts him. Simon stands over him, he feels very far away, wishes he was. He looks up to face Simon feeling the heat of tears in his eyes, an ache behind them and deep in his throat. His eyes are very open. He is very open, feeling as though Simon has torn into him. He thought, rather pathetically, that he was strong enough to hold himself shut. Simon is going to tell everyone and Jack is going to lose everyone and everything. Simon has no reason not to, nothing stopping him, they already know Simon's dirty. What would his father do to him, if he knew?

Nothing good can come of this. Nothing good.

"Ok... I'm sorry." He feels like a child caught stealing sweets. Begging Simon. The apology is an admission of defeat, a white flag.

"It's ok, you're drunk." He feels like Simon is going to hit him, anticipating it. That wouldn't be so bad, his hands are a lot weaker than he had expected from a guy. Maybe that's why he did it. Simon with his long hair and dainty, weak hands. Like a girl. He can pretend. He is not dirty.

"I'm sorry." To whom? Simon? His father? ... God? He should repent for this. He feels so entirely alone, almost pre-emptively. Like he's anticipating the loss of it, the back of Simon's hand, his father's belt, the fire of hell, an eternity burning for a moment of weakness.

"It's ok. This'll... this'll all be gone in the morning, Jack." What?

... Simon's batty. Simon's just insane. What will be gone? Was that meant to provide comfort? This can't be gone. He's done it now and he's unclean. The passage of time cannot absolve him.

Simon leaves the room. Jack can feel his breath coming in very fast, his hands beginning to lose feeling from it. Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. He dry heaves onto the ground, a short stream of drool on the carpet. He feels the warmth of tears, rivulets down his face.

He clasps his hands together in prayer.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Lord, please. Forgive me Lord, please, please, make me clean, I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry Lord... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."

He opens his eyes to see the back of Simon's head, walking away, and a plastic cup beside him. He buries his head again and sobs. He's so sorry. He just wants to go to sleep. He wants this all to be a dream. No party, no drinking, no smoking, no Simon. He just wants not to be here anymore. Maurice is going to be so sick of him, if he has to be taken care of again. He can't take care of himself like a man would, can't just kiss girls like a man would, and he should wait here until they come and kill him for it. For all his wrongness and inadequacies. He'd be what is 'gone in the morning', perhaps. His father would be so disappointed, and so angry, and he isn't sure which is worse.

He hears people coming and wipes at his face furiously. The tears are quickly replaced. He doesn't want to look up. He hears voices in the doorway.

"Hey man... um... what. uh. Did something happen, Jack?" No Maurice. Nothing happened. He sees a shadow fall over him, crouched down, and a hand on his back very gently. Much more gently than what he deserves, what he thought he'd get.

"… You wanna go home?" Jack thinks about it. He doesn't want his father to see him like this. He doesn't want his father to see him sobbing like a little girl.

"Is he high? It... it smells like pot in here." He wipes at his eyes again, watching another shadow fall over him. Fuck. Ralph is watching him cry.

"Hey, Jack, can you look at me? Jack, can you look at me please." He shakes his head, childishly refusing to respond. He doesn't want them to hear the tears in his voice, as if they don't know he's crying. It would add to his humiliation. He needs to know if they know. If they think he’s filthy yet. If they know that he’s irredeemable

"Did he tell you?" His voice sounds worse than he thought. High pitched and shaky.

"Who?"

"... Simon."

"I... tell me what? Ralph came and got me, Jack. Said you were in a bad way. You've... you've gotta take care of yourself. I'm worried. About you... Do you want me to take you home?" Maurice is so kind to him. Why would he do that after everything?

"Please…"

"I’ll take him to the car, Ralph. You can go back downstairs. Have a good night." He wishes they had just put him out of his misery when they came in. He doesn't deserve their kindness, after the filthy thing he did. He wants to die. The way they're looking at him as he stands, his face puffy, Maurice holding him up like a puppet. A kind of disgusted pity reserved for roadkill. He is no more dignified.

"I'm sorry." His voice hardly comes out of his throat.

"It's ok, Jack. I forgive you."

... How?

He vomits on the lawn as Maurice takes him outside and it draws another sob out of him. His throat burns with the expulsion, it’s violent, like an exorcism. His body feels raw and empty with shame and exhaustion, his face damp with sweat. Maurice helps him back up and to the car.

In the car Jack manages to stop crying. He thinks about what Simon said. All be gone in the morning. Maurice is almost sober although he looks so tired. Jack is not. He feels as though he's been poisoned. Is it enough to forget? To be rid of his flaws again?

He decides that it is.

This will be all gone in the morning.

[moonlit-orchid]

I'm actually genuinely fucked.

My mother suspects/knows I'm gay. I've denied it to her and said the friend of hers (I call her aunt) that told her only assumed because of a phone conversation in where I told her I didn't like men and she assumed I like girls and I didn't confirm nor deny it.

So on the one hand, my auntie tried to save me from this marriage I'm currently in (arranged of course). On the other hand, that explains why every time I've told my mum I'm not interested in men, she jumps to "so you want us to arrange a marriage with a woman to you" and won't listen to the "I'm asexual" part.

And she's threatened to tell my dad. I asked her if she wants me to get hurt and she then claimed I'm not gonna be hurt, he just needs to know. Well, if I'm not gonna be hurt why are you threatening me with him? I don't think he'll hurt me, but then again who knows. Reasonable people turn into monsters when you're gay and religious.

So yeah. I have a few months to remain in my parents home before I HAVE to be moved in my husband's home (I left him a week or two after the wedding because he was pushing me for sex and I wasn't ready, but also things happened, and my mum had to go to her home country for a month so I just didn't get to go back anyway, this wasn't planned). And I'm scared. I don't know what to do.

I can't tell my parents I'm gay and that's why I can't be married to this man. I can't explain that it's not a choice because my mum genuinely thinks I want this bullshit. I can't.... I can't do any of this. I don't know what to do, and I've got absolutely nothing to be able to run away with. And I wouldn't want to leave my belongings behind either. That's selfish and stupid, I know, but I can't bear to leave my books or toys or sketchbooks, or my siblings, or even my shitty mother. And I can't make myself hurt them that way either by running away and adding more to their plates.

I just don't know what to do. I'm out here praying and praying for a miracle to save me. Do I fake infertility and use that for a divorce in which neither of us are at fault because he wants children and I "can't have them" (allegedly)? Do I try and get him deported from England (even though that makes me a complete hypocrite, but at least he's got his family in his country, and he's probably happier there anyway)? What do I even do this situation?

Yes, it's my fault for deciding to marry a man when I suspected I wasn't straight. But how could I have said no? My mother was so excited and I trusted her. And like an idiot I assumed an older man (he's 31, I'm 22 now, but I was 20 then and he was about 30) would be the best option without wondering what on earth is wrong with him to be happy marrying a 20 year old who had no life experience?

I've studied religion too, by the way. I have the knowledge. But because it doesn't affirm my mum's conservative beliefs, she won't listen. And I'm so scared. How much more do I need to pray for me to be saved? At what point is it hopeless?

What do I even do? Seriously, does anyone know what on earth do I even do in this situation?

[zemikite]

There's a very specific kind of queer guilt that comes from being in love with your best friend that I don't think we talk about enough

Like yes I want to hangout and cuddle n shit whilst watching a movie but would you if you knew what this meant to me?

[mightbeanangel]

and yeah I've accepted and embraced being a lesbian but a part of me deep down inside will always be that ten year old girl sobbing her heart out because she found out her best friend liked girls. part of me will always be ten and disgusted by myself when I looked at those grown, pretty women on TV and my stomach did flips. so yeah I've accepted being gay, but part of me will always be ten and praying.