#ragazzo trans

[blaze-ri0t]

[i-am-out-therefore-i-am]

I am out therefore I am.

Hail humans!

You can call me Greyson for now.

I’m 21 and I’m a visual artist and student.

Starting out from the name, I actually chose it years ago, as I approached Tumblr, when I was around 13. I didn’t know who I was. But life and shit happened, and I forgot about it! Sometimes I even forgot about myself.

Around that age, I started experiencing what I can now call gender - and social - dysphoria.

I slowly discovered myself through the faces, bodies and voices of other people. The more I understood, the more I feared and disconnected from myself and others. Love felt weird and inaccessible.

8 years after that, I reached out for help and started talking to a psychologist. During the last months of 2020 until recent times I started to believe that my life wasn’t valuable and worth living. I’m still struggling with a binge-eating disorder and PCOS.

On on April 14, I came out as a (gay+trans) boy to my parents. My mother is struggling real hard but I know she loves me (today's her bday). My father is supportive. But they’re divorced since I was 3. It’s hard. I protected them instead of myself. But now it’s my life, and it is more important.

“You’ve got to be selfish. It’s a terrible thing”

- David Lynch

Today I want to remember and share the past and future evolution and trans-formation of my material existence. Why? I've got an extreme fear of dying. I almost never had anyone to talk to. So I wish I could be the voice I never had for the ones who need it through this platform. It’s our safe place everyone deserves.

Feel free to ask me anything, message me your desperate beautiful struggles I’d love to hear, random stuff etc., I’m looking for friends!

I'm still shy and not out to everyone, but you can direct message me if you’re interested in my public social media and artistic life.

If you already know me and find this blog, well, I love you, sorry not sorry.

I’ll start out by publishing parts of my digital diary that records my major revelation (one year ago); reasons why I am not dead; advice; occasional stuff I obsess with.

Profile pic: art by Nikolay Tolmachev

THANK YOU!

[i-am-out-therefore-i-am]

What it’s like to have PCOS when you’re trans

We asked transgender, gender non-conforming, and nonbinary people with PCOS to share their stories and advice.

[i-am-out-therefore-i-am]

Ugh. I used to get anxiety attacks while getting my driving licence. I tried to alleviate dysphoria by cutting my hair in a different way, on my own. I loved it. But the feeling of being seen as a girl no matter what I try still haunts me.

[i-am-out-therefore-i-am]

[07/05/2021: I terribly miss the level of happiness and calmness I reached one year ago while realising I am what I am.]

[i-am-out-therefore-i-am]

awakening / liberation / protest

I’ve got to start somewhere. Lately I’ve been thinking about the fact that I don’t know how to think about my gender; that I still feel the urge to imitate/look like/feel like boys and male role models I love. It’s a physical need. I feel better by doing so. Liberated.

I used to believe it was because of my father’s absence, a creative and then romantic way to fill the masculine empty space.

Then periods and PCOS complicated everything. I felt ashamed. So much internalised misoginy.

Today I was looking at a girl and suddenly it came to me that years ago I used to think that people could think I was a lesbian, just because of the stereotype (short haired girl, tomboy = lesbian); in fact, during high school a class mate told me «You must be a lesbian!» (and he is bisexual!). I didn't even fully realize at the time how disrespectful (for both lesbians and me) that was.

I somehow unconsciously convinced myself that I had to re-grow my hair in order to be “seen” by the other sex. I felt ugly and suppressed my free way of expression...

Over the last year I acknowledged that so many people speak freely about how they feel, and act freely too. I didn’t even think I had the right to complain about my pain.

[i-am-out-therefore-i-am]

[i-am-out-therefore-i-am]