I don't even know where to start. There's a lot of feelings pilling up inside me for so long, it is starting to overflow and manifest physically. I've been so good at hiding them until I've reached adulthood. Every time I felt sad or overwhelmed, my brain would just shut it down and make me forget! And I'd dissociate a lot, so much that I'd often freak out looking at the mirror bc I either wouldn't recognize myself, or get reminded I was alive and living inside this flesh cage. Those still happen sometimes, but it doesn't stop me from crying. Lately I can't seem to stop being so sensitive and emotional. Very annoyed too. Living with my family has always been agonizing but I've grown so tired of it. I think I'm reaching my limit. I'm 20 and I'm not allowed to work or study where I want. I live for people who never showed me care or love. I'm not asking anyone for anything, I just want to achieve my goals on my own and be alone. I have no close friends, the only one I have currently is someone I met online and plan on living with. He's the only one I tell my feelings for, but he started being mean and condescending, so I think he's getting tired of me. I've never been in a romantic relationship, only failed attempts of connection that ends with my heart broken or lowkey abused. I feel like I'm too intense with people I start trusting, to a point I get obsessed (always with people online lol is easier to idealize them I suppose, but it hurts even more). It must be because I'm so desperate to be heard, and when someone actually does that and is at least slightly nice with me, I fall for them. I often feel betrayed and abandoned by those people, but I understand why they'd leave me, I pour all my problems at them and only them, and end up becoming a burden too heavy to carry, too difficult to deal with. I'm trying to be less intense, but it's hard. I just want to be comforted. I'm writing all of this rn bc I'm not talking to that person currently, I asked to take some time. I was getting too crazy and insecure lol and he was really hurting me.
What do you think I should do? How can I escape my house, and how can I be less obsessive? I've been thinking about writing more, like a diary ig. But I really want to be acknowledged y'know
As usual, I'm writing this before bed, and am very tired, and I apologize for anything harmful that I may say.
I'm guessing you would like a response, I honestly can't tell if you questions at the end are rhetorical or not, if you did not want a response, I apologize and you may disregard everything I say.
To be completely honest, I have no idea what you should do. I escaped my shitty parents house when I was 18, but that was only because I had older sibling that could help me.
I would say try to reach out to any trusted friend or family that you know, but I'm not sure if you have any. If so, perhaps that.
As for the obsession thing, I feel like it's natural given a lonely upbringing, probably not healthy, but very natural.
I myself tend to feel like I latch on to my siblings a lot, and I'm still not quite sure what to do about it.
I don't know your situation, but maybe just talking to and being around other people will help. For me, there aren't many people who knows me very well, just my siblings really, but I still do some group activities, I wouldn't call most of the people I see my friends, but they're friendly acquaintances who I can still talk to about small things.
For example, I was venting a bit to one of my coworker about my workload the other day, it was nice to let some of my frustration out. At a place I volunteer at I was talking to one of the people there about trying to get a vacation at my job, and again, it was nice to let out some of my frustration.
I don't believe it's good to always keep your emotions bottled up, (I'm a massive hypocrite, I bottle my emotions a lot, do as I say, not as I do.) but it can be a lot to put on one person, so I think it would be good to have other people around you.
