I've been trying to understand how self-sabotaging may act inside our head, cause I still don't always recognize it and tend to fall into its trap.
In general, it can show up as fear failure or success (1), fear of abandonment (2) and fear of commitment (3).
In the (1) first case, we tend to keep us in a comfort zone, where we dim our light. We don't express ourselves, we stay in the dark, for fear of resulting too bold or too much for others, or even saying something wrong (I think social anxiety and childhood traumas related to a strict and emotionally unstable household can have a say in this). We may also end up fearing "what would I do" imagining to be succesful or end up under the spotlight, thinking we're not good enough, or messing things up and not being able to survive the shame (which is wrong: there's no real life threat in any of these).
A solution can be to speak about our fears with someone else, to keep reminding our own worth through encouraging words and notes about our own achievements, to ask for help to someone that can guide us.
In the (2), we tend to destroy from the inside with our own insecurities any relationship we're in. Here too I sense a pattern that can be stored in us since a young age. We aren't sure about our worth, we aren't sure the other person is as committed as us, and the moment we overthink and stress for whatever reason (that often our mind makes up) we just blow up, making things worse instead of talking them out. We assume stuff, instead of trying to find real reasons. Objective reasons. We don't talk with the other about our fears, our past, and how we may react. We lack trust by all means (we don't trust to open up, and we expect the other person to be more open than us; we don't trust them even if they do that... we're confused and confusing the other, making the relationship hard to be in).
The solution is again to talk with our heart open, with no fear of judgement: if the other person won't understand, it's gonna be for our best, but if they care about us, they'll listen. You can also seek for help to a professional, or study/read about the subject, in order to try to understand yourself better.
As for (3), we tend to wait until the last moment to do any work or to speak up, until we cannot wait any longer or it's gonna be too late. We again lack confidence or security about what we want to do, what we want to experience. It can again have old roots in us, and maybe find some reasons in the lack of feedbacks we got as children as well. Like in (1), we aren't sure we're gonna top or fail, or if we are going to make the right choice, if something else (better) may come up while we are signing for a specific position... so we end up applying to anything bad and fast at the last minute, sabotaging ourselves for real (we cannot show our true potential when we act in a rush).
Again, we need to talk with ourselves, making clear what we really want, list the pros and cons, see that there's always a way out; and we need to talk also with others that can possibly help us and guide us in the process of understanding our worth and path. We also need to practice and get more confident about our own abilities, and plan better our time. Stop procrastinating/postponing jobs, applications, plans, talks. When we need to do something, we can stop a minute to get our mind clear about it, and then act.
