hi bbys :) i'm kinda back i think, mostly because i promised myself that i’d finish worst behavior this month and i fully intend on keeping that promise.
asks will still be staying off, though. i'm sorry to all my emoji anons . i love you all dearly, but i need some peace on my blog right now and this is the only way i know how to create that for myself.
i've seen all of your sweet messages, comments, and dms. i'm still slowly making my way through them all, so please don't think i'm ignoring you. i just need a little time.
and yes, i've seen a lot of people saying things like "they're just strangers on the internet" and "don't give them power." and i completely agree. and i wish it was that easy for me. but i'm just... not in the best place mentally. i've struggled with depression for a long time, and i've had some very dark periods in my life (triggering stuff that i can’t talk about) that i'm still trying to heal from. so when people say things that target those exact wounds, esp the threats — even if they're coming from anonymous strangers, it still hurts. a lot.
and of course, it doesn't mean they're right. it doesn't mean i believe them. it just means they hit something painful. and that's why i reacted the way i did. they triggered things i've spent years trying to work through. i'm still working through them. so if i seemed overwhelmed, that's why. i'm trying my best.
and i'm really grateful to everyone who showed me kindness. i love and appreciate you all so much.
and i've seen a lot of people suggesting that this “hater” could be someone i used to know. truthfully, i've had that thought too. because.. well, i will admit that some of the comments felt strangely personal. and i’d be lying if i said they didn't remind me of a ... mutual.
and if by some chance it really is the person i used to be friends with, the person who still seems to know far too much about what's happening on my blog for someone who supposedly “hates” me:
i’m really sorry our friendship ended the way it did, and i'm sorry that whatever image of me exists in your head now is so much uglier than the person i actually was. — i don't think there's anything i can say that's going to give you the closure you're looking for. i just hope that one day you're able to find peace with whatever happened between us. i genuinely wish you well.
and i just wish you'd let me go.
anyway, that was kinda dramatic but i needed to let that out. and, im sick rn and im trying to rest, so it might take me a lil while to start writing again (not long but yeah i just need some time) & i will let y'all know when the next chapter is coming out x
and about my "interactions" and "friendships" and , umm .. okay, first of all, i love all the people who support me. love you, love my moots 🩷 and this isn't directed at my moots at all. it's more aimed at people who might want to interact with me more or become closer friends in the future: i just wanna say that this whole thing has honestly given me a lot of trust issues, lmao. and whether i'm right or wrong about who was behind it, i think i'm done chasing friendships with people whose values are completely different from mine? and i mean, it's okay to be different. not everyone is going to think the same way, and that's completely fine.
but i've realized that a lot of the people i tried to connect with didn't treat me with the same kindness, respect or effort that i gave them. and i don't want that anymore.
i'm saying this because this situation has honestly made me look back on a lot of past friendships on tumblr, especially one in particular (they traumatized me). i don't think i trust people as easily as i used to anymore, i don’t think i can interact with people like i used to. so yeah, i'm just putting this out there because i think i want a much quieter experience on here moving forward. (like DAMN i jus wanna write fanfics 💔)
and please don't take this as me hating writers/readers or wanting nothing to do with this community </3 i'll always support writers on this platform. i'll always read fics, leave love on stories, recommend works i enjoy, and cheer people on from the sidelines.
i just don't think i want to be heavily involved in ... um, anything tbh. and i think it's healthier for me to have that boundary. i'm perfectly happy being part of the audience, enjoying people's work, supporting them, and then quietly returning to my little corner.
so yeah, i think that's what's best for me !! xoxo
one of my favourite running themes in bsd, is the power of gay male partnership. like you and the guy you're psychosexually obsessed with can truly change the world. anyways happy pride month asagiri
